@Justonemoreepisode
Hi, sorry been at work all day. In terms of my mental health, I had post natal depression at the time he had a female work colleague who I felt he had gotten too close and we would argue about - it was at this time that I would be paranoid about where he was. Never any evidence of anything physical happening but I felt that the way she behaved was inappropriate; at the time lots of arguments etc until I ultimately said it’s her or me. He told her he needed to end the friendship at which point she told him she loved him, lots of phone calls crying etc. He was genuinely shocked by this and lots of apologies for not trusting my feelings.
Since then I’ve had counselling and CBT and am in a really good place. He goes away for weekends away with friends and stays away from work regularly - no drama or problems from me other than a lack of respect in telling me or considering my plans and that the excuse is alway my MH rather than his lack of consideration.
I’ve tried a paper calendar on the wall, syncing phone calendars, apps and telling him just to email me when he knows - still we have this. Real life friends think I make his life too easy as I do pretty much 100% of the child care etc.
For context, not that it should make a difference, but in similar level positions with negligible difference in income (£2000 a year).
Wow. That's kind of different. As they say - It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. He uses your mental health as an excuse to treat you in a way which will exacerbate mental health problems! It's kind of shocking.
He doesn't sound like he has much respect for you, to be honest. Which is a hard thing to come to terms with and a very difficult thing to change
I think your friends are partially correct, except it seems to put the blame on you. I wonder how much it's that you have made his life too easy and how much it's that he has just never tried to pull his weight properly and insisting on it was always going to be too much work?
Making him take on more of the responsibility for childcare wouldn't be a bad idea, though. And not in a way where you do all the anticipatory stuff and he just plays at being dad doing what you've told him to but letting you pick up all the pieces if he ducks out when something else comes along - make him responsible for arranging care on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend, say. And if he isn't going to be around he'll need to check with you and arrange a babysitter or something of you aren't around. Get yourself out of the house more and find some none family and home based things to do so that he can't just expect you to be there. Say "no - find a babysitter" at least some of the time when he asks you to change plans.
Ultimately, though, since you've already tried talking to him and asking him for what you need and he's just continuing on his merry way because it works for him, I think you're going to have to be prepared to rock the boat a bit and be as selfish back if you're going to bring him round. Either reciprocate in kind or threaten divorce and mean it.
Have you considered marriage counseling? It may help you communicate as you push your agenda.