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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying away for work

64 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 28/03/2022 07:54

Trying to settle an argument with DH and would like opinions on which of us is being unreasonable.
We are Married, 2 Dcs - one senior school, one primary. Both work in fairly stressful roles requiring some out of hours work but both ‘home based on paper’.
DH’s job requires away stays, this has always been part of the role - been less through Covid but now starting up again.
So the issue is Should nights away with work be discussed in advance or is it ok to announce on the day that they will be away. DH thinks it’s a known part of the role and Unless I state that I/the kids have plans he doesn’t need to say in advance away . I think it lacks respect mentioning it prior to the day.
For context, I have historically suffered with poor mental health which can make me paranoid/anxious, I am currently in a very good space though. He sees this as a reason for not telling me earlier so I have less time to worry.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 28/03/2022 09:02

Sounds like you need a couple of nights away for work yourself.

Tell him today that you're away tomorrow night and Wednesday too. After all, if he hasn't already told you he's away those day, then he doesn't need to know in advance does he?

Is this part of a wider 'you are the default parent who will always be available to do everything and all he has to do is go to work' issue?

Womencanlift · 28/03/2022 09:09

Typically it would be rude (and not normal) to turn round on the morning of a trip and say see you in 3 days

However you mention your paranoia. How does that manifest itself? If you have history of pestering him beforehand about where he is going/who will be there/what will they be doing at night/what time will he phone etc. then I can potentially understand why he tries to avoid that by telling you last minute

YanTanTethera01 · 28/03/2022 09:18

Can't even believe someone is asking this question! Of course you should know in advance.

pitterpatterrain · 28/03/2022 09:25

I travel - as soon as I know it’s in my DH calendar even as a tentative “HOLD - pitter travel”

Completely rude and unnecessary from your DH and the tone is grim - I would never assume my DH doesn’t need a heads up as he could be pondering anything - and if my travel layers on top of something he already has planned then it’s my problem to move / get childcare sorted

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 28/03/2022 09:25

I think you should know in advance, otherwise you'll be constantly on edge and wondering if he's going away soon and hasn't told you.

I work away sometimes and tell DH as soon as I know, and I make sure it doesn't clash or cause him any issues before I okay it with the client too.

He's being hugely unreasonable not to tell you and to leave you to deal with everything last-minute. An emergency would be different but he clearly knows about this in advance.

daisyjgrey · 28/03/2022 09:26

I cannot fathom why he wouldn't tell you when he found out.

Original poster
Justonemoreepisode · 28/03/2022 16:50

Hi, sorry been at work all day. In terms of my mental health, I had post natal depression at the time he had a female work colleague who I felt he had gotten too close and we would argue about - it was at this time that I would be paranoid about where he was. Never any evidence of anything physical happening but I felt that the way she behaved was inappropriate; at the time lots of arguments etc until I ultimately said it’s her or me. He told her he needed to end the friendship at which point she told him she loved him, lots of phone calls crying etc. He was genuinely shocked by this and lots of apologies for not trusting my feelings.
Since then I’ve had counselling and CBT and am in a really good place. He goes away for weekends away with friends and stays away from work regularly - no drama or problems from me other than a lack of respect in telling me or considering my plans and that the excuse is alway my MH rather than his lack of consideration.
I’ve tried a paper calendar on the wall, syncing phone calendars, apps and telling him just to email me when he knows - still we have this. Real life friends think I make his life too easy as I do pretty much 100% of the child care etc.
For context, not that it should make a difference, but in similar level positions with negligible difference in income (£2000 a year).

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 16:59

OK so he gaslit you over his inappropriate behaviour / emotional affair with another woman - and you’re STILL labelling yourself ‘paranoid’.

And now he’s gaslighting you again.

Awful.

pitterpatterrain · 28/03/2022 17:16

Why do you do 100%?

Xiaoxiong · 28/03/2022 17:19

I'm the one with the job that has trips (far more frequent pre-covid), as soon as I know about a trip I mention it to DH immediately. In fact, I mention it to him when it's not even set in stone, "oh I think I might have to go to Paris next week...yeah not sure yet but probably Weds-Thurs, should be back before dinner on Thurs night..." Telling him the morning of would cause serious ructions unless there was a giant work emergency.

Xiaoxiong · 28/03/2022 17:21

And on the basis of your update, I'm going to guess that your MH would improve immeasurably without this gaslighting prick in your life.

50DaysAF · 28/03/2022 17:33

How much notice does he get? You should know when he knows surely?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/03/2022 17:40

As soon as possible, especially if there are children who are too young to be left. At one point I could get a phone call from DH asking if I could drop off his overnight bag and passport, but thankfully hos current role we get a lot more notice (although the dates can be slightly wooly).

Blossom64265 · 28/03/2022 17:42

He should never assume that you are available to be the default parent. He needs to ask every single time and it should be as early as he knows.

luxxlisbon · 28/03/2022 17:45

It obviously helpful to know in advance if he is working, equally if you have plans you should tell him in advance too.

It depends entirely on what the backstory is with worrying in advance. Does this affect your behaviour?

violetbunny · 28/03/2022 17:46

It boils down to a complete lack of respect and his fundamental belief that it's YOUR job to pick up any slack while he does his important man job and goes off on jollies with his mates.

Have you discussed your relationship in your individual counselling?

kimchichichi · 28/03/2022 17:48

Always discussed in advance regardless of whether you have kids.

AuntieStella · 28/03/2022 17:51

Of course he should let you know as soon as he knows that trips are in the offing. And, if he has any control over the timings, to negotiate the least inconvenient times.

Buggering off at weekends with friends is taking the piss - unless you get equal numbers of opportunities to do stuff child free.

I think the root problem here is that he is trying to act like a single man, rather than a father with responsibilities. And I'm not remotely surprised that that is taking its toll on you.

If I asked what would you do if you has had 48 hours all to yourself, would you even know what you wanted to do? I was thinking that you might have lost sight if you

Gladioli23 · 28/03/2022 17:52

@JurassicPerks

DH writes it on the calender when it comes in. He will mention it immediately if it's more than a single night. He reminds me before I do the food shop for that week.

I couldn't deal with the notification on the day. That WOULD make me anxious not knowing if I was going to get sprung with an absent husband that night.

This would be my expectation, especially with one at primary. This is the whole point of joint/family calendars.
GreenApplePear · 28/03/2022 17:52

Of course he should let you know in advance - at least when he knows.

What would he do if you had plans?

Benes · 28/03/2022 17:53

He has no respect for you.
Why are you doing all the childcare? What would happen if you needed to travel for work?

I can't believe he had an emotional affair and YOU are the one having counselling and being blamed for being paranoid.

Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 18:23

You work FT too and do all of the weekday parenting, and your H works as though he had no DC.

And this is how he treats you.

Glittertwins · 28/03/2022 18:41

DH is the one away for work every so often now. He knows which night are less inconvenient for me to sort DCs out and lets me know what is coming up and when, even if shared calendar might not have every last detail on it.

BiddyPop · 28/03/2022 18:54

Absolutely - even apart from the previous problems with colleague - he should be telling you in advance.

You may have other plans that need to be changed. Even if you are the main childcare etc - there are lots of things that can happen in the evening. What about things like PT meetings - does he have all those in his calendar and marked to avoid being away? What happens when DC get older and you need to go 2 different directions to juggle ECAs/playdates/different sports teams etc?

Let alone knowing who is in for dinner or not, and what nights are about fast/beige or batch-cooked meals from freezer, and what nights are about proper food and everyone eating together. What night you can go out and do food shopping after dinner - and what nights you need to have it planned and organised the day before or over the weekend....what night to have a plumber calling about fixing something who would want to talk to DH and what night to say "no he won't be here then".

What would happen if you were to get a change in your job needing you to travel as well on occasion?

HIBU.

thebabynanny · 28/03/2022 18:54

What a disrespectful prick!

He needs to tell you as soon as he knows.
He also needs to do 50% childcare!
I would start scheduling yourself in some time away too.