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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared my baby will forget who I am ...

98 replies

sadmum22 · 27/03/2022 21:04

NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

I've been working PT since Jan after returning from maternity leave. Baby is now a few weeks away from her 1st birthday. I have to go back to work FT from next week. I have been working only 2-3 days per week these past few months and it's been a lovely balance having a few days in the office being "me" again and a few days at home with DD. From next week DD will be in FT childcare (with one day at home with her Dad), because we have no other family help.

I know IABU because women do this all the time ... but my heart is breaking at the thought of so much time away from her. Please can someone reassure me that she won't forget who her mummy is?

OP posts:

Benes · 28/03/2022 13:58

@Bananabutter

So many women here who’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy that leaving their child for someone else to raise is a good thing.

No wonder we have so many problematic blended families these days.

Yes. It's such a shame that women have choices, that they can have a career and a family.

Attitudes like yours do nothing but make women feel unnecessarily guilty.

Benes · 28/03/2022 14:00

@Bananabutter

So many women here who’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy that leaving their child for someone else to raise is a good thing.

No wonder we have so many problematic blended families these days.

Not to mention that the whole of this post is judgemental bullshit.

Working parents still raise their children.

And are you suggesting that couples don't stay together because women work??

GreenApplePear · 28/03/2022 14:01

I understand how you feel. I felt the same too. I really struggled with the idea of other people looking after my baby.

Unless you would struggle financially I'd go for the 4 days. Your baby will only be this small once.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/03/2022 14:03

I think you are being a bit dramatic.

Surely you know other mothers who work full time and have not been forgotten by their dc?

AdventureAhead · 28/03/2022 14:33

She won't forget you.
Look at it this way, you are not going to forget about her whilst you're at work are you? And she's only been in your life for less than a year, a tiny fraction of your life. You have been there for the entirety of her life. You are all she has ever known. There is no way she is going to forget you.

NewMum0305 · 28/03/2022 14:35

Could you do compressed hours for less of a wage drop? I do 4.5 days over 4 and have every Friday off with my daughter

NewMum0305 · 28/03/2022 14:37

Sorry, I should add, that’s in response to you saying it’s a difficult decision to give up working full time.

I absolutely don’t think your daughter will forget you, or it will negatively impact your relationship, if you have to stick with 5 days a week

dottydodah · 28/03/2022 14:38

She will know who her Mum is! I was a Nursery Nurse and Babies were very keen to see Mummy .Please dont worry OP

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 14:42

Op are you getting help for the trauma that has caused this reaction? This is important for both you and your child. I think you know it’s irrational to think she will forget who her mother is because you go to work, like eighty percent of mothers now do, but it’s real to you and causing you pain and distress.

The key thing here is to focus on your recovery so going forward you can have a normal parent child relationship.

dottydodah · 28/03/2022 14:44

Would it make a huge difference for 4 days instead of 5 do you think? It will probably be beneficial even in a few years .Maybe think of that as an option? If you are going then I think you need a balance you feel happy with for your own peace of mind really .

cafedesreves · 28/03/2022 19:22

@Bananabutter

So many women here who’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy that leaving their child for someone else to raise is a good thing.

No wonder we have so many problematic blended families these days.

Show me the evidence that women working leads to blended families

Tumbleweed101 · 28/03/2022 19:31

Even the babies who are happy and excited to come in and see us each day never forget who their mum and dad are. They all have a special smile and excitement when seeing their parents :). A good nursery will give them all the care and support they need to make good progress but they all have a special bond with parents.

Qwill · 28/03/2022 19:33

I would say that the majority of men since the beginning of time have spent the majority of the week working rather than seeing their children and I don’t know of any cases that have caused their child to forget them (assuming they all live together of course!). Yes, it’s a big change, but your little one will have a great time playing with their friends all day, then coming home to a loving family.

As for Bananabutter’s comments, I think we can all safely ignore them!!

Stompythedinosaur · 28/03/2022 19:34

@Bananabutter

So many women here who’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy that leaving their child for someone else to raise is a good thing.

No wonder we have so many problematic blended families these days.

What rubbish! The idea that women having careers is somehow damaging for their dc is fully part of the patriarchy. Feminism supports women's right to work and men's right to be carers.

Bunnycat101 · 28/03/2022 19:39

They won’t forget you. Really she’s doing 4 days if your partner is at home and that is quite a good balance. I also wouldn’t wfh the day she is at home. You ideally want to spread your risk (ie illness days, random traffic jam delaying pick up) across the week and if you wfh a different day it generally would mean less stress on 2/5 days rather than 1/5.

I think be prepared to find it hard. I found it hard going from 3 to 4 and noticed a difference at first but it is much better work wise.

Rosebel · 28/03/2022 19:44

@SisterBeaverhausen

I've just spent 15 days in hopsital separated from my 4 month old. I was so worried she'd forget who I was. I've been back home for 6 days now and she instantly recognised me. She won't forget you. You've got this Mama 🧡

I had to go in to hospital for a week when my baby was only 8 weeks old and I was so terrified he wouldn't know me but he did. Your LO is older and will always know who her mum is Also I worked as a nursery nurse and sawl lots of mums with this worry but can honestly say none of the babies ever forgot their mums and that smile at pick up time is so heart warming.

Bunnycat101 · 28/03/2022 19:53

Also don’t be upset by people mocking you. It is bloody hard leaving little ones if you’re not really ready to especially if you’ve experienced some additional trauma. I have felt torn for years now. I know deep down my children love/have loved nursery and working gives us more choices but there are periods I’d love to just be around more.

TheSunIsStillShining · 28/03/2022 20:26

On one side I am the anti-mother: had 10-12 hour days for months in one contract when my kid was 3-5 yrs old. Basically dad was there more than me.
I left my kid for 6 months with her dad when he was 6. I went home to visit every 3 weeks. Apart from the usual teen (now 16) drama we have a great relationship.
on the other hand I did stay home for the first 3 years of his life, which was the best decision ever and I am ever thankful for my H who made it possible.

So overall - no, they never forget who their mummy is. :)
As a teen they might love to, but it still doesn't happen.

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 28/03/2022 20:29

She won’t I had to go back full time when DD1 was 5 months and then again when DD was 4 months. Not ideal, not what I wanted. However now they are 20 and 12 and we are the closest little family everyone could know. I broke my heart leaving them and wished for days that I could spend with them but me and my girls are a super team! Xxx

Shinytaps · 28/03/2022 20:40

She absolutely won’t forget you. She’ll be thrilled to see you come home time from nursery. She’ll have a lovely time at nursery too and learn loads.

But you’re right in that she is only little for a time. I know you’re worried about giving up hours and not getting them back later but is there any chance you could compress your hours and have a day or half day off? That might give you the balance you need.

I’ve worked a range of hours since I had my kids and some days off in the week with them on a compressed contract has been the best for me. Appreciate everyone is different.

Original poster

sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 21:40

@Lifeisbeautiful01

This is so lovely and heartwarming to read 💗

OP posts:

Original poster

sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 21:47

@Shinytaps

Yes, compressed hours is an option. My options are:

a) work my full hours over 4.5 days, which will consist of 4 days in the office (with one slightly longer day on the day DD is home with her Dad) and half a morning WFH (on this day I get to pick my DD up at lunch time). This means 3.5 days in nursery for DD, and I get half a day off a week with her. We will lose none of my income.

b) drop a full day a week and work 4 full days in the office. DD will be in nursery 3 days, with her dad for 1 day, and with me for 1 day. This way we lose some of my income and I risk not being given those hours back in future if I wanted to, but I get a full day instead of a half day with DD.

Trying to decide between the two!

OP posts:

missmoon · 28/03/2022 22:37

She won’t forget you, and she’ll learn lots of valuable skills that will help with the transition to school, and beyond. Both my DDs went to nursery full time from around 5 months. We have a really close relationship (they are now 8 and 10). They also made many friends, several of whom are still their best friends at school.

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