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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared my baby will forget who I am ...

98 replies

sadmum22 · 27/03/2022 21:04

NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

I've been working PT since Jan after returning from maternity leave. Baby is now a few weeks away from her 1st birthday. I have to go back to work FT from next week. I have been working only 2-3 days per week these past few months and it's been a lovely balance having a few days in the office being "me" again and a few days at home with DD. From next week DD will be in FT childcare (with one day at home with her Dad), because we have no other family help.

I know IABU because women do this all the time ... but my heart is breaking at the thought of so much time away from her. Please can someone reassure me that she won't forget who her mummy is? Sad

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 28/03/2022 03:11

I certainly didn't forget my mother, nor question her love for me--not for a single minute. Nor did I forget who my father was, or love him less.

Some of the babies in nursery are still some of my best friends, well over three decades later.

I loved school. It helped to make me a curious and independent child. And I still to this day fiercely love my mother and father, both of whom put me in nursery, and both of whom were always my parents and the center of my life.

Overtheroadroundthecorner · 28/03/2022 03:15

I returned to work when mine were both 3 months. Ds1 is now 4 and he still knows who I am. Ds is 18 months and I’m the light of his life.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/03/2022 03:18

I was previously a childminder for 10 years. I had babies , the youngest 6 weeks old- all knew and loved Mums we had a bond but different

PurpleMarie · 28/03/2022 03:29

Lol

Meh2020 · 28/03/2022 03:37

My DD was in nursery full time from 15 months. She never forgot me and I truly believe nursery played it’s part her being a happy, confident and interesting 8 year old. She still remembers nursery fondly.

It’s hard but you will adapt. If possible my only thing would be if you can afford a cleaner do get one - that way your weekends can be more focussed on enjoying your time with her, rather than catching up on the house stuff missed during the week (I didn’t have one due to money sadly!)

IlFaitBeau · 28/03/2022 04:03

The thread title led me to think you’ve received a terminal illness diagnosis or were being incarcerated.

But - I suppose worth saying: the children of people that work do not forget their parents because they work.

PrincessNutella · 28/03/2022 04:08

When I read the title to your thread I was afraid to open it because I thought you might be dying of cancer! No, OP, your little one will definitely not forget you are her mother.

Jobsharenightmare · 28/03/2022 04:42

When you say you'll see baby every evening but don't think it is "enough", really I have to agree it isn't; in an ideal world what little one wouldn't prefer to spend more time with their mum than that. That's why I only worked part time for a while but I appreciate not everyone has that option (or wants it).

twinsetandpearl · 28/03/2022 05:48

You're being a bit silly - she's 1 years not 1 day

All mine were in full time childcare are from 20 weeks

Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 06:27

[quote LoisLane66]@sadmum22
Why the name change?[/quote]

Because I anticipated criticism and "don't be so ridiculous" type responses. Because I'm aware my anxiety and guilt is a bit off the scale about this, for my own personal reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 06:27

@PurpleMarie

Lol

Thanks for your helpful input and empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 06:29

Thank you to those who have answered without being shitty or sarcastic. I really honestly appreciate it.

For my own personal (trauma related) reasons, leaving my baby at all has felt like the most monumental and painful of tasks. I won't go into the trauma because it's deeply personal.

Thank you again to those who have shared their experiences and reassured me.

OP posts:
Sushi7 · 28/03/2022 06:36

@sadmum22 could you do 4 days instead of 5 so the baby has mum or dad for a full day x2 a week? How long do you spend with dd between picking up from nursery and her falling asleep? Use that time to bond. She won’t forget you because she sees you everyday! Smile

Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 06:39

@CoastalWave

She won't forgot you. But this is why so many women don't go back full time. Unless the amount you earn significantly exceeds the amount of full time childcare and that extra makes all the difference.

I chose to be with my babies after going back initially.

But she won't forget you - which is what you asked! It's more about how hard it's going to be on you.

Yes my monthly wage exceeds FT childcare fees by about 4 times, so despite the saving on childcare it also would be a significant loss if I didn't go back FT.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 06:42

@Sushi7

Thank you. We get home around 5.30 on an evening and she settled for bed anytime between 7.30-8.30 (she's a bit all over the place at the moment with her sleep). So it still gives us some play time and bath time etc, which will be lovely. It helps to remember that.

Yes I can drop to 4 days but my employer can't guarantee I could have those hours back in future if I wanted to go back to FT - there's a chance it would be a permanent reduction. I don't want that, I want the option there. So I need to give it careful thought ...

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 07:03

On a different note: I do wonder what compels someone to come onto a thread and just type "LOL". I mean, firstly, what does that add? It's not the most intelligent of comments, is it? And secondly, do those people genuinely not care that they are essentially laughing at another person's real life? That 5 minutes before I posted I was sobbing my heart out thinking how the hell am I going to leave my baby every single day? I can't imagine having such little regard and empathy for other humans that I would leave such a thoughtless goady comment. But there you go. It takes all sorts ...

OP posts:
NdefH81 · 28/03/2022 07:04

No evenings together?
No weekends?
No holidays?

Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 07:07

@NdefH81

No evenings together? No weekends? No holidays?

All of the above. It just feels a lot to be leaving her all day every day Mon-Friday. I appreciate to others that's the norm, and I appreciate others might regard me as being "ridiculous". But nonetheless, it feels a lot to me.

OP posts:
NdefH81 · 28/03/2022 07:11

@sadmum22

Thank you to those who have answered without being shitty or sarcastic. I really honestly appreciate it.

For my own personal (trauma related) reasons, leaving my baby at all has felt like the most monumental and painful of tasks. I won't go into the trauma because it's deeply personal.

Thank you again to those who have shared their experiences and reassured me.

Is your DH aware of this?
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 08:30

@NdefH81

Yes he's aware.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 28/03/2022 08:32

In a few years she will be full time in school, it’s no different.

BurntEnds · 28/03/2022 08:33

The hellos when you pick them up from childcare can be amazing

NdefH81 · 28/03/2022 08:36

Past trauma
This is monumental to you
You’re very anxious about it
Feels like the “most painful” of things

Op, you dh os aware of this. I think the family priority needs to be on focussing on somehow sorting it that it’s you and not you dh that gets the day with the baby

Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 08:42

@NdefH81

Thank you for understanding. It really is the hardest thing I've had to do and it just feels so unbearably painful. I lose the ability to think rationally about it.

We looked into me having a day off with her instead but I'm the higher earner by quite some way, so it made more sense for me to keep at FT. Also DH's work will let him adjust his hours temporarily whereas mine are offering a permanent reduction in hours or nothing (ie no option to increase back in future). So I need to think carefully. But I'm at the point of seriously considering it tbh, as the impact on my mental health isn't worth it.

I just worry that a few years down the line, when I'm able to leave her at school for example and feel far less upset and traumatised, I'll be wanting to work my FT hours again and won't have the option.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 08:44

Her age has a lot to do with why I'm struggling. She's only a baby so I'm not able to explain to her in a way she can understand, that mummy is leaving just for a few hours to go to work and will be coming back later. If I could explain communicate with her in this way I'd feel so much better. It's the just leaving her with her not having any way of understanding why, that I'm struggling with (this is linked to the trauma).

OP posts: