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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared my baby will forget who I am ...

98 replies

sadmum22 · 27/03/2022 21:04

NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

I've been working PT since Jan after returning from maternity leave. Baby is now a few weeks away from her 1st birthday. I have to go back to work FT from next week. I have been working only 2-3 days per week these past few months and it's been a lovely balance having a few days in the office being "me" again and a few days at home with DD. From next week DD will be in FT childcare (with one day at home with her Dad), because we have no other family help.

I know IABU because women do this all the time ... but my heart is breaking at the thought of so much time away from her. Please can someone reassure me that she won't forget who her mummy is? Sad

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 28/03/2022 08:59

Has baby forgotten dad since he's been back at work?

My children remembered me when I went back to work.

They also remembered their dad.

And grandparents who visited monthly.

Tee20x · 28/03/2022 09:04

Also I want to add that babies aren't stupid. Your concern is that you can't explain in an age appropriate way, but she will soon learn that you drop her off at nursery and then you come back later.

Honestly not sure how your nursery works but mine has an app where they upload cute pics and are always doing fun stuff, arts and crafts and going out in the garden. She has such a good and varied time there and interacts with the other kids. Try and focus all the good things that she will be getting up to there rather than focusing on the fact that you're leaving her.

You're helping her get used to getting on with things without you, and developing a secure attachment by teaching her that even if you're not always there you will always come back and aren't just abandoning her.

pointythings · 28/03/2022 09:06

She won't forget you. My two were in full time childcare from 6 months old - no whole year's mat leave back then! And we have the most amazing bond. They also still have fond memories of the staff at their nursery and still say hi when they run into them in our small town - and they're 19 and 21.

Your feelings are understandable, but it will all be fine.

rainyskylight · 28/03/2022 09:11

I don’t really know why you’re posting on aibu if you’re not up for receiving some eyerolls, sarcasm, and comments about pulling yourself together. You are aware that you have anxiety issues and that this is a bit of a ridiculous question. In honesty it sounds like you need some proper help in working through your worries.

MayMorris · 28/03/2022 09:19

She won’t. But do take other action to ensure that at weekends you get thee time you need and want to maintain that close bond
Try to outsource all domestic chores your DH can’t do on his “day off” . Get someone to do washing and ironing if you can afford to, or certainly iron only what you personally need and when. Shop on line in late evenings and get delivery in late evenings after LO bed times. Get a cleaner if you can afford to.
Spend as much time at weekends doing small stuff with her, as well as stuff with family as a whole. Think of something you can do every day even if for 5 mins that is unique and special to you and dc- a time to just sit and snuggle and play a certain little game, or sing some songs or something. These little things will be the things that , drones routinely, dc will look forward to each day and build your relationship
Remember it is not about quantity it is quality. You could be a stay at home mum and spend less time with your dc as you have a list of domestic chores as long as your arm , school runs, clubs, etc and never can actually find time to do the small 1:1 with each child.

Clymene · 28/03/2022 09:31

No of course she won't forget you. But if it's causing you this level of distress, maybe you should seriously consider going down to 4 days. You say your current employer won't let you go back to 5 but you can always change jobs if that's something you want to do when your child starts school.

@rainyskylight - there's no need for people to behave like absolute cunts when the OP has made it perfectly clear she has reasons for being this anxious. Posting nothing but 'lol' is pathetic.

Timeturnerplease · 28/03/2022 09:33

Our eldest is 3yo and we have both worked full time since she was 9mo. She’s been with grandparents four days a week and nursery one day, until she started preschool.

If the amount of times a day she yells Mummeeeeeee is anything to go by, I don’t think she is suffering any confusion about who her parents are.

HaveringWavering · 28/03/2022 09:35

Does not she already go to nursery on your part time days? She’s already used to the routine of you always coming back to pick her up. So no need to explain anything- she knows.

If she doesn’t go to nursery already she’ll soon work it out after about a week if you always turning up to collect her.

And the staff will tell her that you will be back later.

Bananabutter · 28/03/2022 09:38

No, your baby won’t forget you Flowers

I understand the worry though because it’s not natural for mama to leave her babies and it’s such a shame that as a society it has come to this. Women shouldn’t be forced to be separate from their babies and go to work if they don’t want to.

Somethingsnappy · 28/03/2022 09:44

@sadmum22

On a different note: I do wonder what compels someone to come onto a thread and just type "LOL". I mean, firstly, what does that add? It's not the most intelligent of comments, is it? And secondly, do those people genuinely not care that they are essentially laughing at another person's real life? That 5 minutes before I posted I was sobbing my heart out thinking how the hell am I going to leave my baby every single day? I can't imagine having such little regard and empathy for other humans that I would leave such a thoughtless goady comment. But there you go. It takes all sorts ...
You hit the nail on the head with the 'not the most intelligent of comments' comment! Grin. When I see that type of post, I just automatically assume the poster lacks intelligence and empathy. And so I forget them very quickly.

As for your anxiety about your baby, I think many mothers feel varying levels of this when maternity leave ends, so you are in good company. But no, you are the most special person in your baby's life; she most certainly will not forget you. The time apart will make your time together even more wonderful and special. I had to leave my firstborn at 3 months to go back to work (4 days a week) when my partner lost his job. Her excitement every day when I got home was just gorgeous.

justme2022 · 28/03/2022 09:46

My 1 year old goes to nursery 2 days a week, her grandparents 1 day a week and once a month I do a week in the office which is 300 miles away so I leave Sunday lunchtime and get home after she's in bed on Friday night. She knows exactly who I am and It's a lot harder for me than it is her.

ScarlettSunset · 28/03/2022 09:48

Of course she won't forget you.

I had to return to work full time when my son was 12 weeks old and he still understood I was his mum!

He's an adult now and away at university most of the time but we still get on great and enjoy the time we do spend together just as we always did.

I genuinely feel that the nursery gave him a brilliant start, both in terms of learning and socialising.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/03/2022 09:56

Trust me - it doesn't matter how many hours with how many people, they will know who they can call on for help when they are teenagers who have missed the last train and had too much to drink and need an emergency pickup.

It won't be the former nanny or nursery nurse.

justme2022 · 28/03/2022 10:31

@C8H10N4O2

Trust me - it doesn't matter how many hours with how many people, they will know who they can call on for help when they are teenagers who have missed the last train and had too much to drink and need an emergency pickup.

It won't be the former nanny or nursery nurse.

Teenagers??? I was 35 the last time I had to make that phone call Blush
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 13:12

@rainyskylight

I don’t really know why you’re posting on aibu if you’re not up for receiving some eyerolls, sarcasm, and comments about pulling yourself together. You are aware that you have anxiety issues and that this is a bit of a ridiculous question. In honesty it sounds like you need some proper help in working through your worries.

There's a difference between saying "you're being unreasonable" and just being rude and posting "LOL". If you can't see that, you're part of the issue I'm referring to.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmum22 · 28/03/2022 13:15

@HaveringWavering

She does already go a couple days a week, yes. All the feedback I've received so far suggests she loves it and she's thriving. So that's positive.

In all honesty I think I'll be going with the option of reducing to 4 days a week and if my employer won't consider increasing my hours again if I want to in future, I can always look for another FT job at that point. I'll never get this time back with her, I'm acutely aware of that.

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 28/03/2022 13:16

@Bananabutter

No, your baby won’t forget you Flowers

I understand the worry though because it’s not natural for mama to leave her babies and it’s such a shame that as a society it has come to this. Women shouldn’t be forced to be separate from their babies and go to work if they don’t want to.

She does want to work. She earns a lot of money.
Clymene · 28/03/2022 13:17

@Bananabutter

No, your baby won’t forget you Flowers

I understand the worry though because it’s not natural for mama to leave her babies and it’s such a shame that as a society it has come to this. Women shouldn’t be forced to be separate from their babies and go to work if they don’t want to.

Oh don't be absurd Hmm
emmalouisehodson · 28/03/2022 13:24

I can imagine how difficult this is for you.

I've been a nanny for the best part of 20 years and I have looked after a variety children at different ages, from 2 weeks old; and for a variety of hours, including 24/5 which is literally 24 hours, 5 days a week.

Some parents have been lovely, just like you sound, and some parents couldn't give a toss, and would spend maybe less than an hour a day with their children. I can assure you, that while I had very close bonds with the children I cared for, absolutely nothing can break the connection and need that babies and children have for their parents. It's instinct. Even when the parents were emotionally neglectful, it made no impact on how much the children wanted to be with their parents and how much they loved them.

As sad as those jobs were, I hope it goes some way to convince you that your daughter certainly won't forget you and it will not affect her unconditional love for you. X

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 28/03/2022 13:27

@Clymene I agree. @Bananabutter FFS.

Come on @sadmum22 you know she won’t forget you. You may wish to seek support for the deep seated trauma though, it must be exhausting being so anxious about these normal events/things. I wish you well.

soootiredddd · 28/03/2022 13:27

You know YABU but have explained that it’s due to anxiety and trauma.
I do sympathise and it sounds very difficult for you.
But the solution here is not to end your working hours to spend more time with the baby. That might temporarily feel like a fix but it won’t be.
You need to work through and resolve the trauma. Otherwise you are going to suffer in other ways in the future. And it will be good for your relationship with your child too.
Wishing you all the best

soootiredddd · 28/03/2022 13:28

*amend not end

Bananabutter · 28/03/2022 13:48

So many women here who’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy that leaving their child for someone else to raise is a good thing.

No wonder we have so many problematic blended families these days.

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 28/03/2022 13:51

@Bananabutter

Yes, such a shame women have choices these days. Awful.

You stay at home and do your thing, I’ll go to work and do mine. I’m not judging you, so you can take your thoughts about working women leaving their children being unnatural and take them elsewhere.

I love my DC. I also fucking LOVE my career. It’s possible to do both you know.

Benes · 28/03/2022 13:55

@Bananabutter

No, your baby won’t forget you Flowers

I understand the worry though because it’s not natural for mama to leave her babies and it’s such a shame that as a society it has come to this. Women shouldn’t be forced to be separate from their babies and go to work if they don’t want to.

Who is forcing her? She wants to work and that's fine!!

OP, don't worry. Your baby absolutely won't forget you.