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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm worried about my sister who is writing to a prisoner

61 replies

bucksfizzrock · 27/03/2022 13:51

Not an aibu really but thought more people may see this here. My sister is 31 and has been writing to a prisoner in America for a couple of years now. She recently told me what his crime was and it kinda turned my stomach (I'm not going into it but it was related to kids). She initially started to write to prisoners as something to do with a part of college at the time and then I think she thought the letters and friendship would make a difference.

She's attractive, kind and empathic. She's also bisexual and has a female partner and has made this known, but this man keeps pushing her to speak on the phone and video call her. He seems to have a totally different view of things even though she has laid down boundaries.

She showed me his original penpal ad where he was looking for a woman in her 30's for friendship (this guy is well into his 50's). Obviously it's upto her to do what she sees fit but the whole thing makes me a bit uneasy. Does anyone have any experience of something like this?

OP posts:
PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 27/03/2022 13:53

Their are charities who organise this sort of thing and it doesn't sound like she went through one of them...Can you see if they have any advice / dos and don'ts that you can show her?

Original poster
bucksfizzrock · 27/03/2022 13:54

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn that's a great idea, I'll look into that. I think she found his address on a prison penpal website

OP posts:
VeronicaBeccabunga · 27/03/2022 13:59

For many years I have written to prisoners via this organisation

www.humanwrites.org/

Writers are supported and protected by a well-established network of experienced organisers.

EishetChayil · 27/03/2022 14:01

Blergh - why would anyone want to write to murderers and nonces?

Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 14:01

Not surprised that concerns you.

Could she be persuaded to volunteer somewhere instead ?

Original poster
bucksfizzrock · 27/03/2022 14:04

@EishetChayil yeah I kinda feel the same way about it.

@VeronicaBeccabunga that sounds great and really well set up

@Lurking9to5 I was going to suggest that to her.

OP posts:
Glugglejug · 27/03/2022 14:06

@VeronicaBeccabunga I’d really like to get involved with this, do you mind if I PM you for more information?

OP, I think you are worrying unnecessarily. I think your sister is doing a kind thing for a person who is (now) very vulnerable (as all people in prison are, regardless of why they are there and what they have done in the past). Did she go through an organisation? If so, maybe she should seek advice from them if she is feeling pressured, as I’m sure this has not been the first time this issue has come up.

Ultimately, it sounds like you’re the one with the issue, not your sister. She has laid down her boundaries and if she doesn’t have a problem with it, just support her to maintain those boundaries.

SevenWaystoLeave · 27/03/2022 14:09

Is your sister not capable of setting her own boundaries?

enjoyingscience · 27/03/2022 14:09

I used to volunteer in a prison visiting room, in a family area (toys and books with young kids while adults talked). There were lots of volunteers there - running the visitors shop etc. could your sister do this instead? It helps immensely- making a terrifying and unwelcoming experience for families just a tiny bit more human. The kids of prisoners have a terrible time through no fault of their own.

ProofAloof · 27/03/2022 14:11

I've changed my user name because this is such an emotive subject. I write to an inmate on death row in the US. I do this via a charity called Lifelines. My penpal is convicted of a very serious crime as you would expect given where he is. I do not have a romantic relationship with him and that is not why we write to each other. I do occasionally video call him but mainly it's emails (it depends where the inmate is incarcerated as to how you can contact them). I've been lucky and my penpal and I get on well and he does not expect money or a romantic/sexual relationship. However it is not unheard of for inmates to request penpals and then try and extract money etc from them. Everything costs money in US prisons and if an inmate doesn't have support on the outside then some will try any means necessary to get it. If your sister is uncomfortable with what she is being asked for then she needs to either set very blunt boundaries or just stop correspondence. I get a lot from my relationship with my pen pal but I realise some people find it very odd and so I tell very few people I do it. My DH knows but my kids don't (I don't want them looking him up or taking to their friends about him). Look up Lifelines if you are interested - they provide support to writers, so if you have problems with boundaries they can help.

Perpop · 27/03/2022 14:14

Tell her to watch this.. rarely ends well!
Love After Lockup g.co/kgs/m97ZTX

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 14:16

Haas she said why she likes writing to him?

That would tell me whether to be worried or not

Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 14:17

What motivates people to do this?

Pumpfive · 27/03/2022 14:18

This is a huge trend on tik tok. There's a couple of ladies who have fairly big accounts where they are now engaged / In a relationship with the prisoners. None have met IRL. I don't understand it and I too would be worried.

fromagreatheight · 27/03/2022 14:21

@EishetChayil

Blergh - why would anyone want to write to murderers and nonces?
Do you actually want an answer to that question or are you going to stick your fingers in your ears and make more throwing up noises?
Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 14:21

Does it make people feel good? Or worthy? (In comparison)

I really cant understand why anybody would want to write to a prisoner

SevenWaystoLeave · 27/03/2022 14:22

@Lurking9to5

Does it make people feel good? Or worthy? (In comparison)

I really cant understand why anybody would want to write to a prisoner

Human compassion?
Tlollj · 27/03/2022 14:25

I’ll save my compassion for their victims.

Original poster
bucksfizzrock · 27/03/2022 14:28

Thanks for all the great replies. I guess my sister can make up her own mind, but I was just a little worried about her but ultimately it's her decision. @Perpop I have got hooked on that show Grin

OP posts:
VeronicaBeccabunga · 27/03/2022 14:30

[quote Glugglejug]@VeronicaBeccabunga I’d really like to get involved with this, do you mind if I PM you for more information?

OP, I think you are worrying unnecessarily. I think your sister is doing a kind thing for a person who is (now) very vulnerable (as all people in prison are, regardless of why they are there and what they have done in the past). Did she go through an organisation? If so, maybe she should seek advice from them if she is feeling pressured, as I’m sure this has not been the first time this issue has come up.

Ultimately, it sounds like you’re the one with the issue, not your sister. She has laid down her boundaries and if she doesn’t have a problem with it, just support her to maintain those boundaries.[/quote]
Please do!

For those of you asking 'why??'

I used to take part in Amnesty's postcard campaigns but always wanted to know more than a name and an address really.
I'm interested in how society deals with crime and punishment. I like writing letters. It's one tiny part of my commitment to supporting all sorts of charitable organisations. It's being a human contact for someone who is in a very, very bad place in every sense. Why not?

SisterMichael · 27/03/2022 14:30

There is a British woman who does this but also goes across to visit inmates on death row. But I think it’s definitely just support and compassion - I think she is older so some may see her as a mother figure. There was an article about her in a Times/Telegraph type weekend magazine. I think she might go every year and the rest of the time works at Tesco or something.

lap90 · 27/03/2022 14:32

@Pumpfive

This is a huge trend on tik tok. There's a couple of ladies who have fairly big accounts where they are now engaged / In a relationship with the prisoners. None have met IRL. I don't understand it and I too would be worried.
Yet to stumble across that side of tiktok. What are the hashtags?
SevenWaystoLeave · 27/03/2022 18:57

@Tlollj

I’ll save my compassion for their victims.
Compassion isn't a limited resource, it doesn't need "saving" for certain cases. You can have compassion for both.

But since you're so compassion for victims I'm sure you'll share which victim support charities you volunteer your time to? Because at least people who write to prisoners are actually doing something proactive. Putting much more good into the world than sitting back being self-righteous.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:00

Is he a peadophile?

SevenWaystoLeave · 27/03/2022 19:07

I wrote to a death row prisoner when I was younger, until he passed away (natural causes, never reached execution). I oppose the death penalty regardless of crime committed, and the American system is deeply unjust, racist, classist, and inhumane. The man I wrote to was Black and grew up poor, and it's a fact he probably would not have ended his life on death row had he been white and/or able to afford a good lawyer. This doesn't mean he didn't commit a terrible crime, although he had already been in prison for 20 odd years before we begun to correspond, spending most of that in isolation because death row prisoners are treated differently from the general population. There were people serving life sentences in the same prison who had committed the same or worse crimes than him. My aim in writing to him was to let a little light into the bleak, desperate place where he lived - this is not to excuse his crimes, but because suffering is suffering, and I find it impossible not to feel compassion for someone in such a dark place.

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