I'm worried about my sister who is writing to a prisoner

[bucksfizzrock]

Not an aibu really but thought more people may see this here. My sister is 31 and has been writing to a prisoner in America for a couple of years now. She recently told me what his crime was and it kinda turned my stomach (I'm not going into it but it was related to kids). She initially started to write to prisoners as something to do with a part of college at the time and then I think she thought the letters and friendship would make a difference.

She's attractive, kind and empathic. She's also bisexual and has a female partner and has made this known, but this man keeps pushing her to speak on the phone and video call her. He seems to have a totally different view of things even though she has laid down boundaries.

She showed me his original penpal ad where he was looking for a woman in her 30's for friendship (this guy is well into his 50's). Obviously it's upto her to do what she sees fit but the whole thing makes me a bit uneasy. Does anyone have any experience of something like this?

@Pumpfive

This is a huge trend on tik tok. There's a couple of ladies who have fairly big accounts where they are now engaged / In a relationship with the prisoners. None have met IRL. I don't understand it and I too would be worried.

I saw an article a few days ago that a woman has been arrested for posting drugs into some US prisons. To the man she met through writing penpal letters. They are engaged but from what I can make out, they only met once.

So OP, I do think you have grounds to be cautious.

OP I am torn
I guess it depends on the crime

If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I'd be worried about her too. Now I am a bit more open minded

I am surprised the letters don't go through a central address though. How did she even decide who to write to?

I think it is valid that you should be concerned, even though it may turn out to not be or become an issue, and agree with the suggestion of contacting charities that support contact with prisoners.

People who do this must be seriously looking for something in their lives. There are so many victims and others in need of compassion

I think I can understand wanting to write to someone to bring some brightness to their day. I think in this case and though people deserve a second chance, this man is a paedophile and both I and my sister have other family members who have had their lives ruined by sexual abuse, so I kinda feel a bit torn on it all

I have a professional background in prisons. Writing letters to incarcerated people can be an act of humanity and compassion, and may the only glimpse of either that long term prisoners get. There’s a really powerful book you might be interested in called Invisible Crying Tree, which is essentially the published correspondence between a lifer and a (male) volunteer, which developed into an unlikely but enduring friendship. You get a powerful sense of the benefits each person gets from reaching across the huge divide between their different life circumstances.
There is a huge ‘but…’ however. We also see penpals that develop intense but ungrounded romantic or sexual relationships. People in prison tend to have a lot of time on their hands and may be glad to enrich their fantasy lives. At the same time many outside penpals find them safe romantic partners because they give a lot of attention without actually coming to the house. All this is okay so long as both parties have the same expectations and no one is trapped into continuing beyond where they are comfortable, safe and legal. Sadly I’ve also seen it go horribly wrong, for instance I’ve seen women blackmailed by prisoners into sending in contraband which has then got them onto the wrong side of the bars. Blackmail is a really easy trap to fall into, for example sending an intimate picture that he then threatens to send to her partner unless she does more such as sending in money, or drugs. I remember one woman who married a (horrible) lifer whom she never thought would be released, but he used the marriage as evidence of reduced risk for a parole application. I’ve known other women who have had a really nasty awakening when their fantasy lover in prison turns up on their doorstep wanting to continue in real life, or maybe wanting somewhere to live.
So my strong advice to your DSis or anyone else wanting to volunteer or support prisoners is, by all means do it, but under the auspices of a recognised group that works with the approval of the prison authorities. That’s the best way to combine humanity with risk mitigation. And please make sure your real life partner knows and is okay with it so this can’t be used against you.

Compassion isn't a limited resource, it doesn't need "saving" for certain cases. You can have compassion for both.

It's about where you choose to show that compassion. I do think only certain people would consider this. I also think they would benefit from counselling.

@bucksfizzrock

I think I can understand wanting to write to someone to bring some brightness to their day. I think in this case and though people deserve a second chance, this man is a paedophile and both I and my sister have other family members who have had their lives ruined by sexual abuse, so I kinda feel a bit torn on it all

Does she think he is not guilty?

A neighbour, who has since moved away, told me she was engaged to a man she had been writing to via a usa prison penpal webpage. He was serving a life sentance but she thought he'd get out within a few years I think. I think his crimes were to do with armed robbery, but not sure.

@Sometimeswinning

Compassion isn't a limited resource, it doesn't need "saving" for certain cases. You can have compassion for both.

It's about where you choose to show that compassion. I do think only certain people would consider this. I also think they would benefit from counselling.

Yes I agree, too much compassion could mean zero boundaries. And time is limited resource. People should value their time.
I also think that anybody who chooses to write specifically to a prisoner would benefit from talking about what makes them want to do that with a therapist. Been in therapy twice myself so i don't mean it as a put down. I think therapy is a pro-active responsible thing to do.

The hashtags are as you would expect #writeaprisoner the one I used to see was jodi... I'm not sure if I can post the whole username but a bit of a search you should find. She hasn't posted in a while. I just think tik tok has made it a trend and glamourised it.

I don't blame you for feeling worried. Does her partner know?

I have written to a man in prison for over ten years now. We have never had any sort of romantic link. I started writing because I believe that prison should not just be about punishment but about rehabilitation. These are human beings, and many had zero start in life, which led them to crime. I’d like to think that I am better than just writing off people as if they were not human beings.

As someone else said, empathy and compassion are not finite resources. I have plenty to go around. I also have compassion for victims.

I have written to other men, over the years, but they fell by the wayside upon release, which is fine. I have no expectations. I stopped bothering with DR when it became apparent the vast majority are overwhelmed by penpal requests because of their notoriety. Bog standard prisons are generally those who can be alone.

The judging on this thread is insane. Not all of us are mentally unwell and being fleeced for money or promises of eternal love!

@sausageandeggs so, your motivation is to contribute to their rehabilitation
Do you share your motivation with them?
Do you feel you have the ability to contribute toward's somebody's rehabilitation with your words?

Change isn't easy. People can be in therapy for years before seeing significant change.

@OverWorking9to5

Despite having a psychology background, I’m no therapist, but I don’t try to be. There’s plenty of research that shows that prisoners having someone there for them, who treat them with compassion and empathy, massively helps move them towards a more positive outcome. No specialist knowledge is required. Usually one of the first conversations involves what we both want out of the relationship.

It’s bizarre to me that people here are so happy to dismiss a large percentage of the population.

I wonder why she chose a paedophile to write to? There are thousands of charities and non-criminals she could have chosen to help...

Good luck with helping her to see sense and set out her boundaries if she chooses to continue...

@Chilmark79

I have a professional background in prisons. Writing letters to incarcerated people can be an act of humanity and compassion, and may the only glimpse of either that long term prisoners get. There’s a really powerful book you might be interested in called Invisible Crying Tree, which is essentially the published correspondence between a lifer and a (male) volunteer, which developed into an unlikely but enduring friendship. You get a powerful sense of the benefits each person gets from reaching across the huge divide between their different life circumstances. There is a huge ‘but…’ however. We also see penpals that develop intense but ungrounded romantic or sexual relationships. People in prison tend to have a lot of time on their hands and may be glad to enrich their fantasy lives. At the same time many outside penpals find them safe romantic partners because they give a lot of attention without actually coming to the house. All this is okay so long as both parties have the same expectations and no one is trapped into continuing beyond where they are comfortable, safe and legal. Sadly I’ve also seen it go horribly wrong, for instance I’ve seen women blackmailed by prisoners into sending in contraband which has then got them onto the wrong side of the bars. Blackmail is a really easy trap to fall into, for example sending an intimate picture that he then threatens to send to her partner unless she does more such as sending in money, or drugs. I remember one woman who married a (horrible) lifer whom she never thought would be released, but he used the marriage as evidence of reduced risk for a parole application. I’ve known other women who have had a really nasty awakening when their fantasy lover in prison turns up on their doorstep wanting to continue in real life, or maybe wanting somewhere to live. So my strong advice to your DSis or anyone else wanting to volunteer or support prisoners is, by all means do it, but under the auspices of a recognised group that works with the approval of the prison authorities. That’s the best way to combine humanity with risk mitigation. And please make sure your real life partner knows and is okay with it so this can’t be used against you.

Thanks for posting this @Chilmark79. I found it really interesting hearing it from someone in a position to see what can and does happen.

Could I ask though, in your opinion, why would a woman marry a man who is never due to be released? I assume they met whilst he was incarcerated.

@Sausageandeggs It’s bizarre to me that people here are so happy to dismiss a large percentage of the population this.

And yet that's also what makes prison reform so unbelievably challenging –because it's easier for people to just lock this stuff away under black and white thinking than it is to actually think about it.

Label them 'evil' and be done with it.

I don't think ''all prisoners are evil'' so don't attribute that meaning to concern for people like OP's younger sister. OP has said that the man a good two decades older than her has very different expectations than she does.

It's a little naive and optimistic to think that your letters could rehabilitate an offender. I know there are worse things than optimism and naivety though. It's not the huge criticism you think it is. Hesitancy writing to prisoners doesn't make me a ''black and white thinker'' or whatever.

Probably, a job when prisoner released has more chance of contribution to his rehabilitation (or not) and you've no control over that.

@OverWorking9to5 Try to imagine this:

You were raised in poverty and had little opportunity for education. Your community encouraged street crime. You knew nothing else. You committed a crime, and you ended up in prison. Your family doesn’t bother contacting you, your friends slipped away. You have nobody. You have nothing. You hear about prison writing programmes so you place an advert in the hope that maybe someone will respond. Eventually someone does. You now have access to someone who has not had the life you have had, with experiences, opinions, and possibly education that you had no knowledge of. Suddenly your world is expanding. Suddenly there’s the idea of hope that actually, you’re worth something, and perhaps you can change the path your life is on.

Prison life sucks. It’s a dog-eat-dog world. There is an unlikely chance of real human connection. Your food is crap, your access to exercise is crap, your ability to educate yourself is slim. You’ll repeat poor behaviours you have displayed your whole life. Having access to someone outside who seems interested in your future, who cares about your thoughts and feelings (when nobody ever has), and who believes that you have choice, can be a lifeline.

I’m very sorry that you are so cynical.

I'm not cynical. But I would protect my friend or my sister over a stranger.

Expressing hesitancy at the wisdom of writing to a prisoner does not mean that somebody doesn't understand the backgrounds these prisoners had.

They had rough starts, few breaks and there should be rehabilitation programmes. But it isn't ''cynicism'' to question the wisdom of individuals (MOST of whom are vulnerable) handing over their addresses and sharing a lot of personal detail with men who are in a prison.

There are ways to support rehabilitation programmes that do not erode sensible boundaries and to label anybody who doesn't see things through your rosy lens as cynical is every bit as judgmental.

But it's easier for you to label me as cynic, or a black and white thinker who doesn't understand what kind of a start in life prisoners had I guess.

Good luck.

@abyssiniam8 it’s dangerous to generalise, but you might make sense of this by thinking about what each person gets out of writing. As a prisoner you are time-rich and stimulation-poor. You are short of money for vapes and phone credit, but the prison allows you to send out unlimited free letters. Your case management conversations focus on past offending and future risk, so you perpetually feel judged, and that the world stigmatises you. You are denied intimate contact with the opposite sex. You might love to get letters from someone who is a mother or father figure because they make you feel like a human being and worth something- which @Sausageandeggs rightly says has some rehabilitative value. You would probably love to hear from your family, though maybe they aren’t much for writing. But if you had a pen pal who showed any personal interest in you, you might make those letters longer and fuller and more frequent and intense than is usual. And if any of that were reciprocated you could very quickly get into a fantasy relationship by letter. That’s not to say that all penpals are lonely women craving attention and desirability, but if you did fit that description a prisoner could be primed to supply your wants, at least while he remained incarcerated.
The woman I mentioned previously who married a lifer had had two prior abusive relationships and I think she felt this was a ‘safe’ romance. He made her feel special and intensely desired but couldn’t lay a finger on her, and they got engaged by letter before meeting for the first time. Other women get involved with prisoners because they are attracted to a ‘bad boy’ and believe their love can save him. And then there’s the classic unhealthy relationship “I know he did awful things to other people but he’ll be different with me- just look at his letters”

I absolutely agree with the points about how if you have unstable mental health then you could be taken advantage of or could end up in a strange situation. But you would if you were online dating or writing to a non-prisoner and had those issues. People commit crimes prior to being in states, obviously. That doesn’t have much to do with the act of writing itself and everything to do with the person who is writing.

Of course people should take precautions. That makes perfect sense.

I’m still not comprehending why compassion is apparently limited though. A person doesn’t run out of compassion. Resources, yes, but that’s a whole different game.

*incarcerated!

@Sausageandeggs compassion, like justice and mercy, isn’t finite, but not everyone has it to the same degree. Saving it for one group rather than another suggests lacking compassion rather than limiting where it’s directed. I started working in prisons over 20 years ago. For me it was a vocation and I had boundless idealism. Over the years my sense of vocation didn’t wane but my idealism was tempered by experience. The reality of life in prison doesn’t often bring out the best in people- it’s a series of challenges to humanity and integrity and most people, being imperfect, will use any opportunity to ease the experience, even if that means doing things they normally wouldn’t be proud of. It might be judgemental to see people as either good or bad, deserving or undeserving of compassion, but it’s not judgemental to understand how risk and threat manifest, and look at ways to mitigate or minimise these.