I'm worried about my sister who is writing to a prisoner

[bucksfizzrock]

Not an aibu really but thought more people may see this here. My sister is 31 and has been writing to a prisoner in America for a couple of years now. She recently told me what his crime was and it kinda turned my stomach (I'm not going into it but it was related to kids). She initially started to write to prisoners as something to do with a part of college at the time and then I think she thought the letters and friendship would make a difference.

She's attractive, kind and empathic. She's also bisexual and has a female partner and has made this known, but this man keeps pushing her to speak on the phone and video call her. He seems to have a totally different view of things even though she has laid down boundaries.

She showed me his original penpal ad where he was looking for a woman in her 30's for friendship (this guy is well into his 50's). Obviously it's upto her to do what she sees fit but the whole thing makes me a bit uneasy. Does anyone have any experience of something like this?

I would be curious to know whether those who do this type of thing also write to female prisoners? So many here saying it's not a romantic thing, but all the talk is of writing to men in prison.
For all the talk of compassion, I think there's a particular type of woman who is motivated by being in a "rescuer" role, thinking she can rescue the "bad boy" from his demons. You see it all the time in relationships and this is just another version of that IMO.

And yes, these prisoners probably have had a bad start to life...that's why there are professional therapists and rehab programmes with trained people who know what they're doing. Getting random well meaning people to be penpals with convicted murderers and sex offenders just seems like a recipe for disaster and I'm actually shocked to hear there are charities who encourage it.

@LutzClutz I did try, but female prisoners are very few in number compared to men and thus generally have way, way more people writing to them. I wanted to write to people who didn’t. It had zero to do with the sex of someone, and I have no idealistic notions of pure redemption. I’m actually a very cynical person generally.

I’ve done my research, I’ve never been romantically linked to a prisoner. I’m bowing out of this thread now.

@LutzClutz my experience is mostly with long term male prisoners. But my understanding about women in prison is that they tend to be more mutually supportive and more ready to talk to prison staff & one another (and anyone who’ll listen, really) so they are often less emotionally isolated than their male counterparts, (although sadly women in prison tend to have far fewer family and social visitors than men). There’s a more understanding public attitude to women prisoners and a somewhat kinder culture. I’m sure most correspondents approach the issue in a similar principled way to @Sausageandeggs but I’d say you are right that plenty are attracted to the idea of a dangerous bad boy. That’s been going on for ever- from Roman ladies and gladiators via the romantic figures of 18th century highwaymen to the so-called ‘hot felon’ with his modelling contract.

@Sausageandeggs

I have written to a man in prison for over ten years now. We have never had any sort of romantic link. I started writing because I believe that prison should not just be about punishment but about rehabilitation. These are human beings, and many had zero start in life, which led them to crime. I’d like to think that I am better than just writing off people as if they were not human beings.

As someone else said, empathy and compassion are not finite resources. I have plenty to go around. I also have compassion for victims.

I have written to other men, over the years, but they fell by the wayside upon release, which is fine. I have no expectations. I stopped bothering with DR when it became apparent the vast majority are overwhelmed by penpal requests because of their notoriety. Bog standard prisons are generally those who can be alone.

The judging on this thread is insane. Not all of us are mentally unwell and being fleeced for money or promises of eternal love!

You've only mentioned a man and other men; do you always choose male prisoners/felons and if so, why?

Oh I see you've attended to answer that.

Well given you're only writing to one at a time (?) therefore you only need one , does it really matter if they're not male.

Also I'd be interested to see the facts behind females having loads of people quoting to them, surely there mist be exceptions to that, if they had such great support they may not have ended up in three.

*writing to them

My very clever, attractive and single friend started this with a US prisoner. Two years later, after renting a room.in her house to pay for a 'legal review' of his trial- he is after all 'innocent' -she has now sold her house, moved to some god awful part of USA and lives in a shithole apartment so she can be close to prison. Getting married next. If I had not seen this happen I would not have believed such a smart person could throw away her life like this.

Having compassion for people in dire circumstances is not the same as thinking that a person (usually a woman) writing to a prisoner (usually a man) where they could be potential for exploitation, mixed signals or down right wrong expectations etc.

Those of us who think this is a very unwise move for this women, are not saying we have no compassion, we are saying we can see it is a potentially dangerous situation.

sorry - Having compassion for people in dire circumstances is not the same as thinking that a person (usually a woman) writing to a prisoner (usually a man) where they could be potential for exploitation, mixed signals or down right wrong expectations etc is a good idea.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2011/nov/30/women-dating-men-behind-bars

"There are currently around 100 British women engaged or married to men on death row in the US, most of whom met through anti-death penalty campaigns. I have spoken to a number of women in the UK who are involved with male prisoners. Most tell me that they had no intention of forming a romantic attachment, but simply wanted to offer support. So how does it happen? Such a relationship is hardly free to blossom at its own pace, and the limitations are endless."

Please note - "Most tell me that they had no intention of forming a romantic attachment, but simply wanted to offer support."

So, what one intends at the start is nbot necessarily how things wind up.

There are plenty of prisoners of conscience who have committed no actual 'crime' and are imprisoned for 'religious or political beliefs'. Amnesty International and other charities report on this.

So one can support those in prisons quite easily (and yes, I have).

Do many men write to prisoners? Where’s their infinite compassion of the type women are expected have? What’s the word..support human🙄