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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn up on her doorstep tomorrow? Estranged mother who has decided I no longer exist

97 replies

ReclaimingMe · 26/03/2022 19:02

With flowers of and a card telling her what I think of her. I will not cause a scene and will leave immediately if she starts one.

She cut me out of the entire family over 10 years ago and I’ll never get over it. It eats me up inside when I think of my DC being snubbed by their cousins, only having a few people from DH’s family at their future weddings on their side, knowing half their family don’t care about them at all despite pretending they did.

I have a good life - DH, DC, friends, work, hobbies, holidays but no matter what it’s always there in the background like a blackness following me about. My whole family hate me, I’m worthless, crazy, nasty, blah blah. I can never be truly happy with this hanging over me.

She cut me off to punish me as she knew it would, horribly. She used to tell me I was the only one who cared.

All I did was tell her how her psychological and physical abuse made me feel. Ask her if she was aware of the sexual abuse I suffered from a sibling and why she prevented me having a relationship with my real father. Tell her I wouldn’t tolerate her continuing to single out one of my kids for her emotional abuse.

She has been going about her life making out she’s the victim and I’m the bad one. My siblings obviously all on her side. I just don’t want her to get away with airbrushing me and my DCs out of her life. I want to remind her I do in fact exist. She has said I don’t anymore.

Yeah, I also want to ruin her Mother’s Day. She used to tell me I was a shit one and my ASD DS didn’t have anything wrong with him, I made him like that, so I have spent years judging myself and thinking I’m a failure as one. Never ever would I cut off my own child though Hmm.

WIBU to do this?

PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST THERAPY OR ‘MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE’. I’ve done both. It doesn’t change anything.

OP posts:
Frostylaudanum · 26/03/2022 19:05

I think this will probably hurt you more than it hurts her, but I obviously don't know that.
I'm sorry. Flowers

Bootskates · 26/03/2022 19:06

She sounds awful and I truly wouldn't blame you

But

I personally think you should have the best mothers day ever with dh and DC without letting her taint it. Sounds like you wouldn't get the chance to get half of that ^^ out. However much you need/deserve to.

QuebecBagnet · 26/03/2022 19:06

Don’t put yourself through it, she’s not worth it. I say that as someone who was cut off by my mother. Believe me, your life is better without her in it. She will never change. I’m sorry but you do need to grieve for the loss of a daughter/mother relationship, you will not be able to have one with her. Focus on your dc tomorrow.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 26/03/2022 19:08

I think it will cause you more hurt than her and if you tell her what you think it'll feed into her narrative of you being the bad one giving her more fuel for the fire and avle to say "ReclaimingMe turned up on the doorstep telling me how bad a person I am etc etc"

DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 26/03/2022 19:10

Sounds absolutely horrendous OP and I have nothing but sympathy for you. You’ve had an incredibly tough time. But I can’t see any good or real closure coming from this idea. She sounds dreadful but honestly, I think time would be better spent contacting the relatives who you would like to rebuild a relationship with, rather than wasting time on someone so dreadful. Good luck.

Hausa · 26/03/2022 19:11

PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST THERAPY OR ‘MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE

But, this is what you need, OP. I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through, but what is your desired outcome here? She doesn’t care. Turning up on her doorstep won’t make her care and it certainly won’t make you feel better. So, what’s the point?

Your DC won’t miss family that they don’t know. Their weddings will be fine. If your family has cut you off, then fuck them. You don’t need them and you need to learn not to care. There shouldn’t be a blackness following you around because some people who don’t matter aren’t speaking to you. That’s what you need to work on.

Xmassprout · 26/03/2022 19:11

What is it you hope to achieve?

Are you looking to make yourself feel better or to hurt her, or even both?

I don't think this would make you feel any better. It's hard when you have so much built up resentment, I totally get it. You just really have to think If this will help you in any way

Returnoftheowl · 26/03/2022 19:12

While I can understand it's tempting I don't think it's going to achieve what you are hoping for. Your not going to spoil her Mothers Day, your just going to give her ammunition to keep printing herself as the victim.

Focus on your own DCs and have Mothers Day with them and leave her to continue on without you in her life.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 26/03/2022 19:13

YANBU.

I think I'd have to leave dog shit on her step one night.

Badtasteflump · 26/03/2022 19:14

So sorry OP. I have been through very similar from what you've said here. I know you say don't suggest counselling, but I'm going to anyway. The right counsellor would absolutely be able to lighten the load, even just a bit - you absolutely deserve to be free of the cloud that follows you around. At the very least, I would concentrate on you tomorrow and give yourself a relaxing day doing something you enjoy tomorrow. There is no point whatsoever in confronting your mother tomorrow 💐

phishy · 26/03/2022 19:15

My brain would say, don’t do it, because it will just give her pleasure that she is still affecting you so much.

But my heart would say I want to give her a piece of mind and get closure. Maybe not on Mother’s Day but if you think she would see you, I would be tempted to pour out all the anger and pain on to her.

But logically, I know it’s better to go with the first option.

I’m so sorry for what you went through. If there is a hell, she and your abuser will end up there Flowers

Badtasteflump · 26/03/2022 19:15

Oops apologies for the multiple 'tomorrow's...

IncompleteSenten · 26/03/2022 19:16

What makes you think it will ruin her mother's Day? Do you think she will give a shit?
It's more likely she'll love it because she'll be able to wave the card and flowers about, lie about what happened and use it to further paint you as the villain. "And she came to my doorstep to scream abuse at me..."

TellySavalashairbrush · 26/03/2022 19:16

I echo the other posters. It will cause much more pain for you than her. No one could blame you for wanting to make her as miserable as she has made you , but the best revenge would truly be to live your own best life with your dc and partner and give her nothing more of your time and energy. You are all so much better off without someone this toxic in your lives.

MrsBerthaRochester · 26/03/2022 19:18

Yanbu op. I totally unserstand how you feel. My mum had some kind of mental breakdown four years ago and decided I am the devil incarnate. Threatened to stab me if I darkened her door again. My two sisters are to scared of her emotional outbursts so decided just to ignore this behaviour and also cut me off. My dcs havent seen their aunts or cousins since.
I am done with being the family scapegoat and if I ever see any of them again they will know about it.

Neolara · 26/03/2022 19:18

I think that would be an exceptionally bad idea OP.

RestingMurderousFace · 26/03/2022 19:19

Don't give the bitch the satisfaction. Spend the day with your own family instead Flowers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2022 19:19

It won’t ruin her MD, but it will probably ruin yours.

picklemewalnuts · 26/03/2022 19:19

She's the sort of person who'd make it work for her:
Guess what, Reclaiming came crawling back on Mother's Day! I made it clear it was too late, she's not welcome!

Honestly it won't help you and may make things worse.

What you want is for her to have missed you, to regret it, to wish things were different... and that isn't going to happen, I'm sorry.

Also, you've not lost anything. Your family on that side are not worth having. At best they kowtow to a bully, at worst they are sexually abusive, manipulative liars.

It's a good thing they aren't in your DCs' lives.

Rinatinabina · 26/03/2022 19:20

I think it will hurt you more. These things never go as you plan in your head. I’m so sorry OP she sounds absolutely fucking horrible. But don’t do this to yourself.

LefttoherownDevizes · 26/03/2022 19:24

I've said YABU but only as doing this wouldn't make you feel better and would likely make you feel worse. And I say this as someone who's mum walked out when I was 3

Original poster
ReclaimingMe · 26/03/2022 19:29

TBF I just want to piss her off. Poke the bear.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 26/03/2022 19:30

Then do it.
But be prepared for it to affect you far far much more than her.

MrsWooster · 26/03/2022 19:31

You want to spend Mother’s Day looking backwards at your cruel mother instead of forwards at your own children and your own role as a mother. This will not affect her because she’s a psycho who has chosen cruelty but it will hurt you.
Try and make a different choice to leave her behind.

sonjadog · 26/03/2022 19:32

Don't do it. When people imagine scenarios such as this one, they have an idea in their head of how the conversation will go. But in reality the other person isn't going to follow the script you have created in your mind. They are more likely to behave according to their past responses. The only person who will walk away hurting from this will be you. Try to make your peace in ways that don't involve the other person.

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