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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn up on her doorstep tomorrow? Estranged mother who has decided I no longer exist

97 replies

ReclaimingMe · 26/03/2022 19:02

With flowers of and a card telling her what I think of her. I will not cause a scene and will leave immediately if she starts one.

She cut me out of the entire family over 10 years ago and I’ll never get over it. It eats me up inside when I think of my DC being snubbed by their cousins, only having a few people from DH’s family at their future weddings on their side, knowing half their family don’t care about them at all despite pretending they did.

I have a good life - DH, DC, friends, work, hobbies, holidays but no matter what it’s always there in the background like a blackness following me about. My whole family hate me, I’m worthless, crazy, nasty, blah blah. I can never be truly happy with this hanging over me.

She cut me off to punish me as she knew it would, horribly. She used to tell me I was the only one who cared.

All I did was tell her how her psychological and physical abuse made me feel. Ask her if she was aware of the sexual abuse I suffered from a sibling and why she prevented me having a relationship with my real father. Tell her I wouldn’t tolerate her continuing to single out one of my kids for her emotional abuse.

She has been going about her life making out she’s the victim and I’m the bad one. My siblings obviously all on her side. I just don’t want her to get away with airbrushing me and my DCs out of her life. I want to remind her I do in fact exist. She has said I don’t anymore.

Yeah, I also want to ruin her Mother’s Day. She used to tell me I was a shit one and my ASD DS didn’t have anything wrong with him, I made him like that, so I have spent years judging myself and thinking I’m a failure as one. Never ever would I cut off my own child though Hmm.

WIBU to do this?

PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST THERAPY OR ‘MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE’. I’ve done both. It doesn’t change anything.

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 26/03/2022 19:34

No. Don’t pick at the wound.

Wolfiefan · 26/03/2022 19:35

This won’t make you happier. It won’t give you peace. Focus on what will

Siepie · 26/03/2022 19:36

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're still thinking about her

HeyItsPickleRick · 26/03/2022 19:41

It will just feed into her narrative that you're the crazy one.

I'm sorry OP Flowers

felulageller · 26/03/2022 19:42

Rise above it.

InFiveMins · 26/03/2022 19:48

Seriously OP, I sympathise massively, I would be equally as pissed off as you are, but by turning up on her doorstep you are going to give her so much satisfaction of knowing how much she's hurt you. She'll know she has succeeded in making you feel like shit. She'll also tell your estranged relatives and spin it into another story to make you sound 'crazy'.

I DO know from personal experience it's easier said than done but the best thing you can do is block her from your life entirely.

BronwenFrideswide · 26/03/2022 19:48

Your mum won't care, it will just confirm in her mind everything she has said about you and in everyone she tells as well.

Your children have not lost anything either not having these people in their lives, why would you want them associating with you or your children?

Schoolchoicesucks · 26/03/2022 19:50

Sorry you are hurting, OP. I don't think this would help you. I hope you can have a good Mothers' Day with your husband and children. She doesn't deserve any of your attention on this day.

MintJulia · 26/03/2022 19:52

No good will come of your little plan. You're only going to make yourself more angry. Sad

ineedsun · 26/03/2022 19:52

PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST THERAPY OR ‘MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE’. I’ve done both. It doesn’t change anything.

Respectfully, you haven’t moved on with your life. You’re planning to spend your Mothers Day seeking to make her feel bad precisely because you haven’t moved on.

You’re angry, that’s understandable, but she won’t accept any anger that you throw at her so the only one left holding it is you.

You have a choice, spend the day with people you love and have a nice day or spend time trying to upset someone you don’t like in order to make them feel bad and end up feeling worse yourself.

Lunificent · 26/03/2022 19:52

You have a dreadful mother, particularly for how she’s dealt with you telling her about the sexual abuse.
Nothing good will come of confronting her. If will be drama she thrives from and fuel to her fire. She will use it to run you down to family.
It’s easier said than done, but don’t let her eat away at you. Your conscience is clear. You’re a good person, whatever she thinks and whatever she’s told other people.

LittleWins · 26/03/2022 19:53

Oh love. I hear you and feel the same about my father.

It’s no use. They are rubbish parents. I’ve decided to go down the route of mourning the relationship and accepting I’ll never get what I need from him.

Some people are incapable of parenting. Of loving. They won’t change.

Flowers
romdowa · 26/03/2022 19:55

It sounds like she's done you a favour tbh. Why would you want her and them in yours and your children's lives ?

picklemewalnuts · 26/03/2022 19:57

@ReclaimingMe

TBF I just want to piss her off. Poke the bear.
There's that saying, something like: "never wrestle a pig in the mud. You won't win and the pig will enjoy it".
Bryonny84 · 26/03/2022 19:58

@ReclaimingMe

TBF I just want to piss her off. Poke the bear.
No, no and no. I've been there and believe me you will only hurt yourself. You don't need this woman in your life. Walk away and be happy.
dapsnotplimsolls · 26/03/2022 19:59

You'll just be giving her more ammunition. Living well is the best revenge.

Whydothat · 26/03/2022 20:00

You wouldn't ruin her mothers day, you'd make it. All the satisfaction she'd feel knowing you were still hurting and being able to prove to everyone she knew that you are always the one in the wrong, afterall you've gone out of your way to be hateful on mothers day when she hasn't done anything or even spoken to you for ages Hmm
Enjoy your day as best you can surrounded by your family and people who love you. Ultimately that will hurt her more than anything you can say or do to her.

Chloemol · 26/03/2022 20:02

Tbh I would now report the sexual abuse and her part in not believing you

godmum56 · 26/03/2022 20:08

well you may have had therapy but you obviously haven't moved on because she is still in your headspace.....

Pallisers · 26/03/2022 20:11

It eats me up inside when I think of my DC being snubbed by their cousins, only having a few people from DH’s family at their future weddings on their side, knowing half their family don’t care about them at all despite pretending they did.

Think about this. Your lovely children are going to have people at their weddings who are decent, normal, loving people - not the dysfunctional abusive people from your mother's family. Your children are lucky and the children stuck in the abusive cycle with their grandmother and aunts/uncles are the unlucky ones.

I feel for you and understand why you want to make her suffer but it is you who will suffer. She will LOVE the drama and the upset and it will give her yet another excuse to push down the actual abuse and instead think "but she tried to ruin my mother's day"

OP some things can't be resolved. You have a lovely life. You are angry with your mother and family. That is ok. Just try to make decisions that will benefit you - not give them their dysfunctional jollies.

tkwal · 26/03/2022 20:16

Don't poke the bear. You will be the one who gets her head bitten off. Sadly some relationships never recover from vindictiveness like hers. Do yourself a favour. Buy yourself some flowers and have a day with your daughter, try not to think about her

Sometimeswinning · 26/03/2022 20:20

What helps you? If a bit of revenge helps. Ignore the rise above it. Sometimes we know what helps us. You don't always have to be the better person. But be prepared for giving her ammunition!

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 26/03/2022 20:20

I'm estranged from my mother.

I went to her house to collect something I need if it could be replaced I wouldn't have gone. I stood for an hour quietly and waited on her drive whilst she was inside I spoke calm and politely I recorded the whole thing. She was rude, verbally abused me and was physical. I have a video.

She called my sister and told her I'd turned up and caused a scene.

Even when I have proof and know I behaved well She spins it and makes out she was a victim and even I start to fall for the gaslighting.

Please save yourself the hurt I faced this week.

Much love

ButtockUp · 26/03/2022 20:22

If you really want to make her look like she's chewing a wasp then do it.

Then report back here tomorrow evening with exactly how you're feeling.

I strongly suspect that you won't feel like a winner.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 20:25

I voted yabu, because this will just make you feel worse.

Tomorrow is mother's day. Spend it with your kids. Have a nice day.

All you will do will give her more 'proof' of how awful you are.

Rather than spending the day heating yourself up for this then reeling from, whatever her reaction is....spend it doing something nice. You are a mother. A fat better one than her.

Enjoy your day. Don't let her cause so much more upset.

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