To turn up on her doorstep tomorrow? Estranged mother who has decided I no longer exist

[ReclaimingMe]

With flowers of and a card telling her what I think of her. I will not cause a scene and will leave immediately if she starts one.

She cut me out of the entire family over 10 years ago and I’ll never get over it. It eats me up inside when I think of my DC being snubbed by their cousins, only having a few people from DH’s family at their future weddings on their side, knowing half their family don’t care about them at all despite pretending they did.

I have a good life - DH, DC, friends, work, hobbies, holidays but no matter what it’s always there in the background like a blackness following me about. My whole family hate me, I’m worthless, crazy, nasty, blah blah. I can never be truly happy with this hanging over me.

She cut me off to punish me as she knew it would, horribly. She used to tell me I was the only one who cared.

All I did was tell her how her psychological and physical abuse made me feel. Ask her if she was aware of the sexual abuse I suffered from a sibling and why she prevented me having a relationship with my real father. Tell her I wouldn’t tolerate her continuing to single out one of my kids for her emotional abuse.

She has been going about her life making out she’s the victim and I’m the bad one. My siblings obviously all on her side. I just don’t want her to get away with airbrushing me and my DCs out of her life. I want to remind her I do in fact exist. She has said I don’t anymore.

Yeah, I also want to ruin her Mother’s Day. She used to tell me I was a shit one and my ASD DS didn’t have anything wrong with him, I made him like that, so I have spent years judging myself and thinking I’m a failure as one. Never ever would I cut off my own child though .

WIBU to do this?

PLEASE DO NOT SUGGEST THERAPY OR ‘MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE’. I’ve done both. It doesn’t change anything.

Honestly I’ve told my abusive mother what I think of her and the damage she’s done. On several occasions. It didn’t achieve any resolution . She just used it as an opportunity to be the victim.

But I do think possibly it helped me to move on. As I put it all out there. But the trick is to be aware of your motives in doing it. I did it because I think a part of me thought that finally she would get it and understand and apologise and change it. It made it clear that this wouldn’t happen. And so it helped me to move on.

But she is not worth it? She is inadequate. You are not. Move forward. You are amazing.

It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.

I have some similarities in my background OP (narcissist parents, sibling abuse) except for me it is both of my parents and they are still together. I am lying on my bed and I can almost see their house and I haven’t spoken to them in years.

I don’t think there would be any benefit for you tomorrow saying what you need to your mother’s face as she is likely going to use all of the emotionally manipulative tactics she already a uses like stonewalling the issues, dismissing, minimising, deflecting and on and on which will just result in more pain for you.

A very important part of my own healing from my family’s abuse was sending emails to my parents saying how their actions made me feel. They might never have read them but it was never about that for me, it was about me regaining the voice I had lost through abuse and saying what I needed to say. I never called them names or got abusive myself something that might have happened in the face of their stonewalling face to face due to the hurt if I was in their presence, instead I focussed solely on writing about my experiences on what had happened to me and the effect that their behaviour had on me. It was never about responses or what they did with my messages. I know that their capacity to hear me was affected by their own limitations and I accept that but I still wanted to alleviate the pain they had caused me by metaphorically dumping the shit back to their doorstep. Might something like that help you? Face to face just seems so risky for your emotional well-being.

I am absolutely clear for my parents that even though I don’t know the full mechanisms that it is their own past trauma that caused them to behave this way, it always is past trauma that causes these behaviours, being a narcissist is an adaption to trauma and narcissists like your mother still suffer that core pain from that trauma.

I know that it doesn’t alleviate your suffering to know that but it is likely there is a reason why your mother is like that.

I think the hardest part to overcome is to not allow yourself to view yourself as the narcissists in your life view you. You deserved better than this. You deserved a mother who was capable of mothering, you deserve to be as happy as you possibly can. Mind yourself and make your own family the family you deserve.

I think this will cause you more pain.

Op

In your head how do you see it going. You'll turn up, she'll tell everyone 'see I told
You she was batshit'
You won't spoil her day. You'll simply ruin your own.
She doesn't deserve your headspacex

If you must poke the bear, so if another day, like her birthday. I get that you want that conflict, to scream/sort it all out, to say your peace. Tomorrow though should be about you as a mum, not the shitty mum you have.

If you really want to poke the bear, just be mindful that she’ll push back. Also, if I were you, I would be poking her family with some truths as well… It may not make a difference, as people see what they want to see, but personally I could then rest knowing I have made things clear as to why no communication.

Wishing you the best xx

You cannot influence other peoples behaviour. You are flogging a dead horse. What if you did turn up on her door step and she laughed at you? Or humiliated you ? Or behaved in a way you did not anticipate? You cannot guarantee that you will get the reaction you want. So just sack her off . Get therapy. Move on. I know you are angry and it’s not what you want to hear, but you only get one life, don’t wAste it on festering hate

Don't waste your money, and don't turn up on Mother's Day or you risk spoiling Mother's Day for you, not just tomorrow but every other Mother's Day in the future.

And you should report that sibling that sexually abused you. They may be doing the same to their own children.

The problem is, the bear will probably relish being poked. She can once again paint you as the terrible one, whilst being absolutely delighted at seeing the effect she clearly still has on you.

You’re making the mistake of assuming she won’t enjoy your obvious pain.

Also, what if your other siblings are there? The one who abused you? Do you want to be publicly chased away with them snapping at your heels, as everyone extends sympathy to your ‘poor, lovely mother’?

Give this day to your own children. Don’t allow your mother to consume any more of you than she already has.

Sounds like she wouldn’t give a fuck and the only person it would hurt is you.

💐
Get flowers for you.
Do not give this crap excuse for a so called mother any oxygen of yours.

I know of the shadow or blackness that follows you about. It won’t always be so dark. I promise. But it will always be there.

I know you’re hurting and in terrible pain, not of your own doing. A castaway. She’s actually given you a gift, you know. There would have been even more damage to your life if she had stayed in it. And that of your kids.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
She was severely lacking. Your kids have been spared the abuse. It’s quite something when someone who has been abused turns to face the fire as you have done.
No more children down the line will suffer because you were courageous. And not through choice.

Do not waste your precious sanity on this woman. Please. Look after you instead.
I understand the need to try to make your mother face her wrongdoing.
She’s not capable. She will not take any responsibility AT ALL. You won’t get any resolution.
She’ll just enjoy the drama and the chance to be a victim.
Happy Mothers Day to you OP. I hope you find some peace xx

Turning up with a card and flowers, and your opinion of her on mothers day is just playing into her hands. It is a bit mad.
Enjoy mothers day with your children, and you've said not to mention it, but move on.

Why the fuck are you giving this awful woman and the rest of your equally awful family head space?

I get everything you've said because my family are quite similar, dysfunctional fuckers that they are.

Myself and my children are well out of it, yes they hurt me, yes they hurt DD emotionally. It isn't worth looking at it as they've done and can't get away with, but they did, that's who they are, and why even if they begged wouldn't have a place in me or my children's lives

Your mother sounds a lot like mine.

If I did this to her she would absolutely love it, especially on mother's day.

She would have a sob story about how awful I am and she would get so much attention because I ruined her special day with my junkie brothers.

I know how tempting it is, believe me I've been over a million scenarios of what I could do to piss her off. At the end of the day she is a twisted manipulative bitch so doing absolutely nothing is the only thing that won't feed the drama.

I do, on occasion, write pages and pages of a letter to her and burn it. Once I printed out photos of her face and lined the cats litter tray with it 🤣🤣

You can be petty without involving her at all.

And you should report that sibling that sexually abused you. They may be doing the same to their own children

She may already have reported and therapists will report if the abuser is still a likely risk to children. For the record though rarely if ever does anything come from reporting historic abuse. If there is abuse still being perpetrated by the brother that is not OPs responsibility (my brother continued his abuse for decades - still no prosecution in spite of tonnes of testimony to police from 3 victims and a number of British judges have given him unsupervised access to his children even though SIL has fought access).

I’m so sorry, this is horrible and hard. One thing I realised a few years back is that you can never, ever, ever make anyone see you point of view if they choose not to. If your goal is to cause her embarrassment and discomfort then maybe that will happen. But I think you will walk away feeling utterly broken. I don’t see the point. Be the mum you wanted. Get her back by succeeding.

@HeyItsPickleRick

It will just feed into her narrative that you're the crazy one.

I'm sorry OP

This.

Don't give her flowers. xx

Unfortunately I fed in to the narrative my parents needed me to live up to.

I had a reaction to being hurt and then when I said ''you hurt me'' stonewalled so it's so easy for them to discuss how crazy I am. They go on about how I shouted at them.

But they hurt me and they decided between themselves that they wouldn't talk about it with me, and then texted me that pronouncement. I feel like they were following an instruction manual on how to make me go crazy. Even though what I was saying to them was logical and rational, the emotion I felt made it seem ''crazy'' to them. I was right about what I said but any emotion is crazy to them, except of course for their own indignation and martyrdom

I understand why you want to poke the bear and it sounds like the bear deserves to be poked….hard and repeatedly. I don’t think the outcome will be that cathartic though. It’ll give her further ammunition. You are better than this. Have a great day with your family, knowing you’re a million times the mother she could ever be.
I really do empathise with you saying you’ve had therapy and you can’t move on. Therapy won’t ever cure you of the pain and anger. I wonder if all the mother’s day stuff has just triggered you off which is totally understandable. Sleep on it but please don’t make any decisions that you’ll regret. It sounds like her reaction may not be predictable and could potentially harm you more. You deserve better than that, even if the bear doesn’t!

You won't hurt her, you will feed into her 'victim' trope. You will be hurt again.

Spend mothers day as a mother and enjoy love and breaking the cycle of abuse.

Do what is right for you OP. Therapy isn't some kind of magic that can cure everything. Sometimes you have to find your own cure and feel you have stood up for yourself before you can move on.

I have had no contact with my mother for over 10 years. I worked through all the rage, shame and desolation I felt that I had to be born to such a horrible mother. I now feel nothing for her. You need to get to that place to feel indifference. When you do you will feel no need to see her, 'poke the bear' or anything else. Mourn the loss of a mother who did not love and care for you, but don't go see her. It will upset you and ruin a day which can be spent with your lovely children. Please don't go you will regret it.

@ReclaimingMe, if she really is the person you're describing here (and I have no reason to disbelieve you), all you'll do is make the wound that you're carrying worse than it already is - don't do it.
Live your best life, safe in the knowledge that she can never taint it again. Be the better person, not because of what she did to you, but because you know there are better ways to be with your children.
Don't give her the chance to hurt you again.

Don’t give her the satisfaction; she will love it. Please, do not do this to yourself.

Enjoy Mother’s Day with your dc and spoil yourself a bit.

By all means tell your mum how you feel, unload if you need to, but don't do it by way of a scene at her door on mother's day. That would only feed into her narrative about big bad you.

Call her one random day while feeling calm or put a letter through her door. Just tell her what she's done to you and don't expect any specific reaction.

Or perhaps just phantasise about doing something like that. I occasionally write letters to my father's second wife in my head. Never write them down and think it is better that way.

There are two opposite things happening here.
You say she has disowned you because you saw what happened in your life for what it is and did something about it.

The first thing I took from that is that you and only you from your family said no more. Instead of seeing the abuse as normal and accepting it, you called it out.

You can't want a relationship with any of your family as they are either abusers (your mother and sibling) or enablers (because of the trauma they have been through).
You won't want them to abuse you or your children. The only way for this is NC. You are amazing to have stopped the cycle.

The other side is that you feel rejection even though it's from a toxic and very damaging situation. Any rejection as awful. There will be a part that wants to be accepted.

Your family isn't having a lovely family time. It will be abusive and a very poor environment to be in.

You are amazing for changing your life. You should pity them , feel angry but also be grateful you saw it for what it is.