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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think proposals are overrated?

75 replies

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:15

I dont know if I have just ruined my own proposal....

I'd never given marriage/engagement much thought but now that its becoming relevant to me I've decided that I dont want a massive thing of it. All that matters to me is the meaning behind getting engaged. I find the act of it being an ordeal all quite showy and pointless. I dont see why in todays day in age it needs to be a "surprise" or even initiated by the man. I told dp I would much prefer a nice conversation where we both agree to take the next step of our relationship and be engaged together, maybe in a nice setting but it really doesnt bother me if its even in our bed!

When I told dp this he seemed abit dissapointed. We have a holiday booked and he was quite taken back with what I said although he agreed he isnt fussed about the nature of the engagement. He said he would like to "surprise me" with it but why?

Aibu in thinking "proposals" are just abit out dated now and dont really matter when it comes down to it?

What was your engagement like?

OP posts:

Qwill · 26/03/2022 10:17

They’re only overrated if you rate them in the first place surely? I didn’t know they were ‘rated’, I just thought you get married if you love someone, how you do it is by the by.

Qwill · 26/03/2022 10:19

It sounds like you both have a different idea of getting married. I think it’s better if you have a proper chat about it as it doesn’t sound like he knows you very well if he thinks you want a ‘surprise’ when you definitely don’t.

Skinterior · 26/03/2022 10:19

Mine wasn't a surprise as DH wanted to do it with a ring that i'd designed.

It was still lovely. At the end of the day - the person you want to marry has just asked you to marry them, does it need to be a surprise?

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 10:23

YANBU, 'big proposals/surprise proposals' date back to when women were supposed to be absolutely thrilled and grateful that a man wanted to take care of them for the rest of their lives.

If people are into the big public thing that's up to them, but I think it's even more ridiculous if they're living together with children. How the fuck are they supposed to be grateful for it?

thatweirdhippygirl · 26/03/2022 10:27

I would have liked a surprise tbh 😂
I would have hated public and getting down on one knee, that’s not my thing, but a genuine surprise might have been nice 😂

We decided to get married, he bought a ring and gave it to me while I was lazing about in my Oodie, possibly with sauce spilled down my front 😂 zero romance.

BeautifulMemory · 26/03/2022 10:27

My DH proposed 12 years ago. It was one of the best days of my life and a memory I'll treasure for ever! He proposed on a mountain (we both love walking), and gave me the ring on Easter weekend, on the mountainside, hidden inside a chocolate egg :)

It was lovely sitting on the mountain together, in the sun, chomping on chocolate and laughing about how he'd managed to get the ring inside etc..

I'll never forget that day and was so touched with DH choice of ring (gorgeous) and way to propose with all my favourite things! (Walking, mountains and chocolate!!)

A really lovely memory and one we both cherish

Lottapianos · 26/03/2022 10:28

'Aibu in thinking "proposals" are just abit out dated now and dont really matter when it comes down to it?'

Not unreasonable at all. Just the thought of a proposal makes me cringe. Getting down on one knee FFS it's all so coy and naff. You're two equal adults in a relationship. Have a discussion like you would about any big decision. Some people will say that it's 'unromantic' but I don't have much time for 'romance' to be honest 😁

harriethoyle · 26/03/2022 10:28

DH and I had agreed to get married but I didn't know when he was going to propose and so it was a surprise from that perspective. It was incredibly meaningful for me because it turned out DH had secretly taken my engagement ring to show my late Mum just before she died - so incredibly thoughtful and confirmed exactly why I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 10:28

YANBU
Been married once and engaged twice and never been proposed to. It's just weird. I want to have agency in decisions around my life not wait for a man to decide he's ready to marry me.

ABitBesotted · 26/03/2022 10:29

I texted him and said we may as well get married. He texted back "good idea."

Married 15 years so far

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:32

I have spoken to my dp because part of me thinks he feels there is an "expectation" there to make something of the proposal. But i'm really not bothered. To me its the whole thing of getting engaged that is romantic enough in itself. I dont need a fancy view/restuarant or flowers or a piano player.

I just felt like abit of a kill joy when I told dp this but I feel as its all very traditional and over the top. It isnt a marriage which is to be celebrated, its just both parties coming together and delcaring that they have intentions of getting married together.

I dont want/need a surprise or a show. Me and dp already live together and have dc. I just feel there is a pressure there to want to want it because its meant to be a big deal and we are both relatively young...

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/03/2022 10:33

My proposal was perfect. DP proposed on top of a mountain in the Peak District in the driving rain, during a weather warning, whilst I was wearing a cagoule and a (sodden) furry hat with ears, in front of 15 of our equally sodden and hungover friends. I thought he’d fallen over when he was there at my feet and asked him what the fuck he was doing and to get up. He’d been hoping for a gorgeous sunset and secluded country spot whilst we were away but then when the weather was set to be shit all weekend he just thought “fuck it” and went with what we had. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

If you don’t want a surprise, just tell him you’d rather the two of you went somewhere special to each other and exchanged rings or whatever. But I don’t think it’s “showy and pointless” to want a memory and a story to tell of it, quite the opposite.

KeepAgnusSafe · 26/03/2022 10:35

Dh proposed on one elbow 😂 who cares anyway...the whole getting married thing is too dull for words, all that fuss, and divorced a few years later...it's just nonsense really.

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:38

@ABitBesotted ahh that sounds so lovely and easy going. That would be my ideal. I got the impression dp was let down by my not bothered nature so I told him we can hold off getting engaged until we are on holiday so it is more "special". But I still feel like im doing that because I have to rarther than want to

OP posts:

MotherCupboard · 26/03/2022 10:38

Me and dh had a conversation about our future and agreed we would like to get married, sitting on our sofa. Voila, engaged. No ring required. Married 10 years very happily.

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 10:40

I think all the 'man proposes on bended knee', is a massive hangover from all the Disney princess stuff we were sold as little girls. I'd love to think we (as women) were over all that now.

Especially as so many couples have already got the house and kids at the point of the 'bended knee'.

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:43

@ComtesseDeSpair but thats my point. I dont understand why such a big thing of it has to be made. Just getting engaged is massive enough the context of how doesnt add or take away from that. Im not doing it so it would make a cool or amazing story. Im doing it because I wanted to get married. I just think its a weird thing that now has connotations on it of having to be made into this special unique and romantic moment.

I feel like a proposal and engagement ring is all rather much so catered towards the woman since men dont even receive a ring. I much less care for it all...

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:46

@MotherCupboard to be honest that was kind of how I was hoping our conversatio would pan out. Instead I felt I had to make more of a thing of it so said lets leave our engagement until we are abroad

OP posts:

EmpressCixi · 26/03/2022 10:47

YANBU, the traditional proposal of a surprise and down on one knee formality is all outdated imho. I don’t understand the couples who agree to marry and then the woman waits for a formal proposal and ring. Is it for their online Instagram or Facebook feed? Once you agree to get marry, you’re engaged and the next step should be the marriage at the registry office or religious wedding, not the proposal. It’s a complete time waster from my perspective.

That said, some couples do proposals because it’s something that at least one of them enjoys and wants. It’s not dissimilar from deciding to have a wedding (as you don’t need a wedding to get married either).

So if your DP wants these extra bells and whistles, I’d go along with it as it doesn’t matter much to you and it costs you nothing to let him do a proposal and/or wedding if he wants one of those too.

HangOnToYourself · 26/03/2022 10:48

I dont like the idea of showy proposals and also think they are outdated.

However, if he wants to make it more special then I would go with it as getting married and getting engaged are about both parties and if he has always had an idea in mind of a romantic and special proposal is that any less valid than your indifference? Sometimes these things seem to be all about what we as women want but some men really care about these things. I would just make sure it wouldnt be anything showy and embarrassing

Musicaltheatremum · 26/03/2022 10:53

I was proposed to at the top of a hill after being told it would be worth it when I got to the top. I'd just done 10 days of alternate nights on call as a junior doctor so I was exhausted but thrilled at the same time. We were married 24 years until he died. This time I was on holiday we'd had a lovely day out and were having a lovely meal of sausage casserole and discussing how the lucky person got the left over bayleaf! This led to a very romantic speech (so unlike him) and a proposal that I was so shocked to get as I didn't expect it.
My daughter was horrified he hadn't got down on one knee and totally taken aback that my first husband (her dad) hadn't got down on one knee.

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 11:05

@EmpressCixi

You literally took the words out of my mouth . we have both conveyed our wanting to get married and engaged so I dont see what the use of a proposal is. The two just dont add up in my head.

I dont know if dp wants to make something out of it or if he feels pressure/expectation that he needs to. Which is why I communicated that I dont mind for a proposal.

I just dont really understand what we are waiting for. Its like we are doing it just so we can have a big announcment. I thibk honestly the most romantic thing for me is just him wanting to be with me is this way. I would be so happy if he just took my hands on the sofa and said he loves me and lets do this.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/03/2022 11:07

But if you “just want to get married“ then perhaps there’s an element of acknowledging that marriage involves two people - and your OH clearly does want to have a story and a memory of his engagement. So rather than deride his feelings and call something which appears to mean something to him “showy and pointless”, wouldn’t it be more in the spirit of marriage to agree something in the middle which captures the way you both feel?

Thatswhyimacat · 26/03/2022 11:11

Of course you don't need a surprise proposal if you don't want one.

But people on here sneer at proposals saying they're showy, big, public and just for Instagram etc. It's snobby and patronising. A surprise proposal can be thoughtful, meaningful and private. My DP took me to a beautiful place full of meaning to us and asked me in a simple and sweet way in a secluded area. I didn't post it online.

I find the idea of just having a chat on the sofa and saying OK we are engaged now a bit depressing. Do you not have any interest in making moments of your life memorable and a bit special? What separates out the moment you decided to marry the love of your life from a discussion about what to get from the shop?

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 11:14

@ComtesseDeSpair because he said he wasn't fussed either. But didnt seem fully on baord with it. If that is the case as well he doesnt believe in engagement rings where as I would like them. So surely if im to compromise on this then he could compormise on the rings? The rings mean more to me than a proposal as its symbolic and something to show for it

OP posts:

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