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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think proposals are overrated?

75 replies

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:15

I dont know if I have just ruined my own proposal....

I'd never given marriage/engagement much thought but now that its becoming relevant to me I've decided that I dont want a massive thing of it. All that matters to me is the meaning behind getting engaged. I find the act of it being an ordeal all quite showy and pointless. I dont see why in todays day in age it needs to be a "surprise" or even initiated by the man. I told dp I would much prefer a nice conversation where we both agree to take the next step of our relationship and be engaged together, maybe in a nice setting but it really doesnt bother me if its even in our bed!

When I told dp this he seemed abit dissapointed. We have a holiday booked and he was quite taken back with what I said although he agreed he isnt fussed about the nature of the engagement. He said he would like to "surprise me" with it but why?

Aibu in thinking "proposals" are just abit out dated now and dont really matter when it comes down to it?

What was your engagement like?

OP posts:

GettingStuffed · 26/03/2022 12:49

My husband never proposed he just asked if the holiday we'd booked should be our honeymoon. We're celebrating our 34th anniversary this year

Silverclocks · 26/03/2022 12:52

I really don't understand why the norm still seems to be loads of women waiting for him to ask so she can be a princess for a day.

I also don't understand engagement rings. It's like having the territory marked.

We've come so far and yet in many ways seem to be going backwards

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 13:08

@Carrotten

And ultimately if you sit on the sofa and have a chat someone has to initiate that chat. Which is essentially asking

Yes but not on your knees if you have any pride in yourself.

GeneLovesJezebel · 26/03/2022 13:11

There was no proposal, we agreed to get married after a shag 🤣

Echobelly · 26/03/2022 13:13

Horses for courses, really. I would have found a carefully planned proposal really cheesy and TBH if I guy had done that for me it would show he didn't understand my personality all that well! But for other people it's not meaningful unless they feel it's had lots of thought put in to it. Some people hate the idea of a public proposals, others would feel let down if it wasn't.

DH proposed totally unplanned (literally he says the words just came out!) on a cold January evening after visiting a museum exhibition not long after we moved in together. I loved the fact it was impromptu and that it wasn't some really obvious scenario, but was still really meaningful. Other people I know have literally or more or less had a proposal while doing the washing up.

Zazdar · 26/03/2022 15:05

I also don't understand engagement rings. It's like having the territory marked.

Quite useful as such.

mnnewbie111 · 26/03/2022 15:09

@KeepAgnusSafe

Dh proposed on one elbow 😂 who cares anyway...the whole getting married thing is too dull for words, all that fuss, and divorced a few years later...it's just nonsense really.

Bless

Silverclocks · 26/03/2022 15:10

@Zazdar

I also don't understand engagement rings. It's like having the territory marked.

Quite useful as such.

Hmm. Yes, that'll be why men don't tend to wear them?!

bcc89 · 26/03/2022 15:46

@Thatswhyimacat

Of course you don't need a surprise proposal if you don't want one.

But people on here sneer at proposals saying they're showy, big, public and just for Instagram etc. It's snobby and patronising. A surprise proposal can be thoughtful, meaningful and private. My DP took me to a beautiful place full of meaning to us and asked me in a simple and sweet way in a secluded area. I didn't post it online.

I find the idea of just having a chat on the sofa and saying OK we are engaged now a bit depressing. Do you not have any interest in making moments of your life memorable and a bit special? What separates out the moment you decided to marry the love of your life from a discussion about what to get from the shop?

I came here to say pretty much this, but you've taken the words out of my mouth.

I always find it really kind of sad when someone says that they discussed it like adults and then decided they were engaged just then. Where's the excitement in that?

Proposals aren't always massive showy occasions, sometimes they can be small and personal. Sometimes people might want a massive proposal.

But personally, I find having a talk and tnen saying 'we'll be engaged then' a bit boring.

You could say this for anything.

Why even bother having a nice wedding day? Just nip to the registrar with two witnesses. Why have birthday parties? Why have housewarming dos?

Lottapianos · 26/03/2022 16:05

' I really don't understand why the norm still seems to be loads of women waiting for him to ask so she can be a princess for a day.

'I also don't understand engagement rings. It's like having the territory marked.

We've come so far and yet in many ways seem to be going backwards'

A huge YES to all of this. Plus ditching your last name and taking on his instead 🤦🏻

EllaVaNight · 26/03/2022 16:12

I can see why people like and dislike them tbh. On here there's some weird competitive "my proposal was shitter than yours so we'll last longer" vibes from many. Oh and they have to have been wearing casual clothes with food stains!

I don't ever want to be married but I can see why some people want to do something romantic. If you really know each other you'll know how you both feel about marriage and will have talked about it. I'd hate anything public but again, it's personal choice, some people love to be the centre of attention.

Equally, what one person finds romantic the next person probably won't. For me it's my partner randomly taking the children out to give me peace and quiet or if I'm feeling off he'll buy me flowers or my favourite chocolate etc. It's taking on more than his share of housework even though we each work 44hrs a week as he knows I hate it etc.

KeepAgnusSafe · 26/03/2022 16:59

@GeneLovesJezebel

There was no proposal, we agreed to get married after a shag 🤣

Must have been a good shag!😂

DelilahBucket · 26/03/2022 17:08

Mine was a big surprise, totally out of the blue, although we had discussed getting married. It was Christmas day at home, just me, DH and DS and it was brilliant. He picked a gorgeous ring, perfect for my tiny hands, all very well thought out and he had a box made with "All I want for Christmas..." printed on it. That bit was cheesy but I loved it and it was in my favourite colours. He just showed he knew me so well. I think that is what counts.

SmellyWellyWoo · 26/03/2022 17:37

I find it all very patriarchal, along the lines of the man choosing the woman and being the one to make the decision about the future of their relationship. Part of the reason we plumped for a civil partnership as it comes without all of that baggage.

AgathaOvercome · 26/03/2022 17:56

I think YABU purely as it’s nice to cement engagement with a nice memory. We had talked about getting married. DH proposed in our house one Saturday evening after we had had a lovely idyllic day together enjoying drinks in the sunshine in our garden and were both just so contented with life. We then went out for dinner together to celebrate. It’s especially nice to have that memory and the memory of our wedding day when the period that followed our marriage was 5 years of infertility and several incredibly close family bereavements. I am now pregnant and we have had several special days out / nights away to create nice stand out memories during the pregnancy.

I think people should do more to celebrate good things in life when they happen and to have stand out memories to look back on. Life can be hard and unfair. We need the good things to see us through!

Zazdar · 26/03/2022 19:16

Hmm. Yes, that'll be why men don't tend to wear them?!

Perhaps they don’t get so much attention from women that they need to wear visible statement that they are in a committed relationship and not looking for a new one.

Blackbirdflyintothelight · 26/03/2022 19:19

We did exactly what you've suggested- had a very lovely grown up talk about when we wanted to get married and decided to get engaged. No ring, no grand gestures. We're 8 years married now after 15 years together and we have a very equal, loving marriage and we are partners in every way. We started as we meant to go on.

Jimmer253 · 26/03/2022 19:26

I was 19yrs old, madly in love and had already discussed wanting to spend our lives together. We knew we wanted to get married before we had bought a house and had children. He got down on one knee in a hotel restaurant, where he had booked a room for the night, on my 20th birthday. I kind of knew it was on the cards, but I didn’t realise he had already asked for permission from my parents, or that it would be that night. Everything was perfect. The mood, the setting, the ring…everything! But each to their own. There are no set rules. Do whatever makes you happy!

Deadringer · 26/03/2022 19:57

I think showy 'romantic' proposals are cringey as fuck, but each to their own. My dh and i decided together to get married because we were growns ups and we both felt ready.

Moody123 · 27/03/2022 08:06

If your just wanting to be married, why not skip the whole engagement and go to the office and get married?
You could be happily married for your holiday and use it as a honey moon

You do have to think of what your other half wants, maybe he wants to make a fuss of you, maybe he actually wants a ring too? It's like everything in a relationship, give and take and compromise .

But in the end, how ever you do it, you'll be married to the person you love, and that's the whole point of it :-)

Zazdar · 27/03/2022 10:37

If your just wanting to be married, why not skip the whole engagement and go to the office and get married?

Because, in England at least, you have to give at least 29 days notice that you want to marry. You are going to be “engaged” for those 29 days whether you like it or not.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/03/2022 15:49

I totally agree OP. I have always found the idea of engagement nauseating, old fashioned and pointless.

And the money and stress that goes with it… good grief.

Zazdar · 27/03/2022 16:26

And the money and stress that goes with it… good grief.

What money and stress? When you decide to get married, you are engaged. No money, no stress.

There are some weird presumptions on here.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/03/2022 18:54

@Zazdar

Engagement rings are expensive. And a complete waste of money. I’m with you by the way: it should be just about agreeing to get married. But there’s all this ridiculous ritual and paraphernalia.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/03/2022 19:10

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@Zazdar

Engagement rings are expensive. And a complete waste of money. I’m with you by the way: it should be just about agreeing to get married. But there’s all this ridiculous ritual and paraphernalia.[/quote]
An lovely engagement ring can be a couple of hundred pounds from an antique shop. I agree that if either party in a relationship feels under / puts on pressure to buy / receive an expensive ring valued at the fabled “X months’ salary”, and this overrides the broader desire to be engaged and get married then yes - it probably is ridiculous. But a ritual and memorable occasion for both involved doesn’t have to be confused with a display of money, any more than the ritual and performance of a wedding has to cost tens of thousands.

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