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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think proposals are overrated?

75 replies

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 10:15

I dont know if I have just ruined my own proposal....

I'd never given marriage/engagement much thought but now that its becoming relevant to me I've decided that I dont want a massive thing of it. All that matters to me is the meaning behind getting engaged. I find the act of it being an ordeal all quite showy and pointless. I dont see why in todays day in age it needs to be a "surprise" or even initiated by the man. I told dp I would much prefer a nice conversation where we both agree to take the next step of our relationship and be engaged together, maybe in a nice setting but it really doesnt bother me if its even in our bed!

When I told dp this he seemed abit dissapointed. We have a holiday booked and he was quite taken back with what I said although he agreed he isnt fussed about the nature of the engagement. He said he would like to "surprise me" with it but why?

Aibu in thinking "proposals" are just abit out dated now and dont really matter when it comes down to it?

What was your engagement like?

OP posts:

derekthe1adyhamster · 26/03/2022 11:18

We had the shall we get married chat in McDonald's. Married now for nearly 25 years.
I didn't want a big showy proposal, just a chat about where we felt our relationship was going.
We decided to sit on the conversation for a month to check we were still in the same page, then went to buy the ring!
I guess that fact I still remember the conversation means it was probably one of the most important conversations DH and I had

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 11:20

I feel like a proposal and engagement ring is all rather much so catered towards the woman since men dont even receive a ring. I much less care for it all...

It is. It's old fashioned and outdated, putting the man in the (albeit traditional) in a position of 'power' - in other words deciding they'll only get engaged when he decides to officially ask. See also women being 'given away' at the wedding.

Zazdar · 26/03/2022 11:21

My DP took me to a beautiful place full of meaning to us and asked me in a simple and sweet way in a secluded area. I didn't post it online.

That’s more or less what mine did. I didn’t post it online, and neither did he.

There was no show and it wasn’t big because there were only two of us present.

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 11:23

What separates out the moment you decided to marry the love of your life from a discussion about what to get from the shop?

If you have to ask that, they're really not the love of your life.

CharSiu · 26/03/2022 11:24

My proposal was lovely, it was in the garden of DH great grandparents house in the sunshine laying on the lawn having just drunk tea. It was a remote house in a few acres of land, We didn’t tell a soul for three days, we were completely cut off and we didn’t have mobile phones, we then rung everyone on the ancient Bakelite phone. Travelled to the closest big city and chose a ring together and had a nice dinner at the house dressed up as we had been to a black tie do on the way for our break. It was 25 years ago and still one of the best moments of my life.

Zazdar · 26/03/2022 11:26

I’d be interested to know what a big showy proposal actually involves. I don’t think I have ever seen one.

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 11:28

@Thatswhyimacat because its the actual getting engaged which is the most romantic gesture to me. More romantic than any proposal would ever be. I dont find it to be sad. I dont think it takes any value away from the engagement just because it wasnt done in a particular way

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 26/03/2022 11:32

'I find the idea of just having a chat on the sofa and saying OK we are engaged now a bit depressing. Do you not have any interest in making moments of your life memorable and a bit special?'

Nothing wrong with celebrating. You could open a bottle, or book a fabulous dinner, or a day out, or a weekend away, or however you like to celebrate stuff. It's the 'proposal' and ring that I can't get on with

And yes, I am fully aware that this is none of my business, and people can do what they like. Other people can have opinions about it though 😊

Original poster

Pinkorchid23 · 26/03/2022 11:34

@derekthe1adyhamster i love that! Its the conversation and agreement of getting engaged which is the special part and most memorable, not where you was and what was done. Thats how it should be. Well in my eyes anyways.

I think the main thing is I dont want to be asked! I just want to both agrees as equals that we want to get married hence why the only way I saw that playing out was during a conversation.

I hate that it only falls on the man to decide such a big important milestone in both of our relationship!

OP posts:

PaddlingLikeADuck · 26/03/2022 11:36

My husband came home from work one day and came straight in to me in the living room where I was sitting on the sofa watching some quiz show, and he just got down on one knee, presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him.

It wasn’t showy at all but the surprise element made it so, so romantic.

HotChoc10 · 26/03/2022 11:39

@BeautifulMemory

My DH proposed 12 years ago. It was one of the best days of my life and a memory I'll treasure for ever! He proposed on a mountain (we both love walking), and gave me the ring on Easter weekend, on the mountainside, hidden inside a chocolate egg :)

It was lovely sitting on the mountain together, in the sun, chomping on chocolate and laughing about how he'd managed to get the ring inside etc..

I'll never forget that day and was so touched with DH choice of ring (gorgeous) and way to propose with all my favourite things! (Walking, mountains and chocolate!!)

A really lovely memory and one we both cherish

That's so lovely!

I would have loved a thoughtful proposal to be honest, sadly my partner is more on the pragmatic than romantic side.

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 11:40

I can't think of a single situation where I'd get down on my knee/knees to ask anyone anything.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 11:46

I find the idea of just having a chat on the sofa and saying OK we are engaged now a bit depressing. Do you not have any interest in making moments of your life memorable and a bit special?

It was extremely special. We were sitting on the window seat actually while he had a roll up out of the window and talking about how we felt about each other. I'll never forget it.

Lottapianos · 26/03/2022 11:50

' I can't think of a single situation where I'd get down on my knee/knees to ask anyone anything.'

😂 Exactly! I know that's what's supposed to make it 'special' but ugh. It's really not the 1800s anymore

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2022 12:01

I agree with all of this. Celebrate a joint agreement to marry, rather than the man thinking you’re now worthy of commitment.

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 12:03

Also, would anyone here be happy if their daughter got on her knees to a man to ask him something like this? Or to ask him anything actually?

HRTQueen · 26/03/2022 12:08

My ex husband said one day let’s get married I liked that we were very happy and madly in love at the time choose the ring together but just outgrew each other we were young

Another ex took me away went out for lovely hotel went for a lovely dinner got back to the hotel lots of roses abs champagne ready and proposed I said yes becuase I felt I had to. A few days later I called it off. He didn’t know me if he did he would have known that I’m not romantic and do not like romantic gestures at all. He was engaged to someone who appreciated being romanced within a year of us splitting up (though apparently devastated we had )

PaddlingLikeADuck · 26/03/2022 12:14

Also, would anyone here be happy if their daughter got on her knees to a man to ask him something like this? Or to ask him anything actually?

This made me think of a Samantha Scene in an episode of Sex and The City that I watched last night

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 26/03/2022 12:15

Too much expectation . Its an act of ego, not love imo.

Carrotten · 26/03/2022 12:20

Dp didn't get down on one knee but he did propose. It was a surprise and it was lovely. One of my absolute favourite memories. We then chose a ring together over the next few weeks.

For me what made it so special is he is a very practical, pragmatic man. So for him to go about and organise a romantic proposal was just lovely.

Life is short, and quite boring. Yes we could have sat on the sofa and had a chat, but that's quite dull. I'm glad I've got a lovely memory of Dp proposing. It's like if your Dp spends time and energy sorting out a lovely present for you, it makes you feel special. Yes we could sit down on the sofa and talk about what I want for my birthday, the end result is the same and ultimately your happy with the present, but it's a nice feeling if your partner puts time, effort and thought into doing something to show they love you.

Our relationship is equal, DP is not in a position of power over me. One gesture does not change that. It is the everyday grind that determines whether your relationship is equal, not whether one time in our 10 years together DP asked me to marry him.

Carrotten · 26/03/2022 12:23

And ultimately if you sit on the sofa and have a chat someone has to initiate that chat. Which is essentially asking

Zazdar · 26/03/2022 12:34

Celebrate a joint agreement to marry, rather than the man thinking you’re now worthy of commitment.

Accepting a proposal is a joint agreement to marry, and it doesn’t have to be the man doing the proposing.

Thatswhyimacat · 26/03/2022 12:42

[quote Pinkorchid23]@Thatswhyimacat because its the actual getting engaged which is the most romantic gesture to me. More romantic than any proposal would ever be. I dont find it to be sad. I dont think it takes any value away from the engagement just because it wasnt done in a particular way[/quote]
OK, but a proposal also ends with getting engaged so how does it somehow in your eyes end up as being LESS romantic?

As I said I believe it's a personal choice and noone has to do anything in any particular way, I just don't like the flipped narrative that people who like proposals are shallow and only a conversation on the couch is worthy.

SaggyBlinders · 26/03/2022 12:43

I cringe at the idea of being proposed to without prior discussion. If anyone spontaneously proposed to me, then they wouldn't know me well enough for me to marry them.

That plus:

Being given a ring that I have not chosen and expected to wear it for the rest of my days.

My partner asking my dad's permission beforehand.

Being walked down the aisle.

Having the groom, best man and my dad being the ones to make speeches.

Can't wait for these traditions to finally die out.

What was your engagement like?

DP knew my above thoughts, we discussed getting married, had a couple of weekends away to look at rings at different second hand jewellers, chose a ring. Put ring on, had our families round for Sunday lunch the next weekend and told them that we were engaged. Drank lots of prosecco.

balalake · 26/03/2022 12:44

I'm with the sentiment of what you say OP. It is to me another example of upscaling what should be a simple but important thing.

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