AIBU 100% of housework

[729927luc]

Hi, after some impartial advice and I think this could be the place! So... I work 3 days a week as a teacher. My days are long (7-6ish plus some evening work). My husband works 5 days a week from home 9-5 but hours are pretty flexible. On my days off I take/pick up our child from school, have some school work to do and manage to do the vast majority of the housework. I also take full responsibility for the mother's load (if you've seen Motherland!) Basically dealing with all of the day to day parenting decisions (think world book day, reading, homework, pe kits, lunch boxes etc. etc.) I do all the food shopping, all the cooking (even on my work days) 90% of the washing up, all the washing, ironing, pretty much everything. Husband will occasionally have a wipe round in the bathroom if i ask and mow the lawn in the summer but that's it. Hw even needs reminding reminding do the bins which he often forgets so I'm there dragging out before 7 when I leave for work. My aibu is this. If we have a really busy weekend planned, I may ask him to step up and do a bit more so all the jobs are done before I go back to work but he insinuates to me that I should have enough time on my days off to get everything done. But I don't as you can see I do 99% of everything! I find it really exhausting and it makes me feel like I'm slacking! Should i do 100% of everything when I work 3 daysand he works 5?? He often seems a but surprised when I'm still having to do housework etc. on a Sat or Sun but we have a 4 bed house and that's how long it takes! Sorry for rambling I'm feeling exasperated by it all!

Absolutely not fair division of labour at all. How old are the kids and how have you fallen into this routine? Need to agree which tasks your husband is going to take responsibility for and stick to it!!

Fuck no, you should not be able to every single household task in 2 days. Your dh is being ridiculous and needs to step up and do his fair share.

Make a point of doing no housework on your 3 days at work. Get a cleaner, cook ready meals. Sleep in a separate room - cos your sooo exhausted from work. Don’t do any laundry. Let him experience fair division of Labour.

Yes I think he simply doesnt realise - so stop on your work days in particular and then stop cleaning etc for him.

Because he needs to step up massively

Do you have two days where your kids are at school ie you have 9-3 free? If so then I think YABU a bit. If my DH didn’t work two days a week I’d expect him to do almost everything. If you can’t get all the housework done then, what’s the point in being part time if your kids are at school? If I were you I’d just go full time and use some of the extra money to pay a cleaner. Then split everything else 50:50.

Although I should add I don’t think you should do all the cooking, especially if you’re not getting home until late on your work days.

I think part of the issue is that you are a teacher. It's not like a 9-5.30 job and can be difficult to understand if you're used to a 9-5.30 job. It is also a job which can be never ending and fills all the time you give it. If you tot up the time you spend working each week, it's probably the equivalent to a standard office job.

So basically you work 36 hours a week and he works 40? That means theoretically your housework split should be roughly 53/47. In practice you have 3 days off - but as a teacher, do you really? How much of that time do you need for lesson planning and marking?

YANBU, your DH should be stepping up at the weekend and picking up bits and pieces in the evening too. Lazy, lazy man.

@soootiredddd I think there is a difference between the big cleaning tasks that need to be undertaken on a weekly basis and those that need doing every day.

I suspect that the OP DH has not thought about the sheer number of those tasks and says on her work days it is 90% her

Well of course it’s unfair. Why would you put up with this shit?

Do you honestly need to ask? On the basis of your sex you think all this shit should fall to you? Why? What happened to make you think this? How can you have the smallest shred of respect for a man who you have to mother and maid for?

Is having a man, any man, worth this?

I'm constantly amazed by how many women are happily wasting their one and only life skivvying for men. Just, why?

I often see it mentioned here: equal leisure time!! Are you both getting the same amount of time “off”? DH and I are always encouraging each other to have some time “off” for a few hours at the weekends
Or evenings. It means that we are both happier with each other

@pointythings

So basically you work 36 hours a week and he works 40? That means theoretically your housework split should be roughly 53/47. In practice you have 3 days off - but as a teacher, do you really? How much of that time do you need for lesson planning and marking?

YANBU, your DH should be stepping up at the weekend and picking up bits and pieces in the evening too. Lazy, lazy man.

This.

Just ask him about whether you have equal leisure time.

You sure don't!!!

I can see both sides here.

I work FT as a teacher and DH does 4 days. On his day off he has 2yo at home but usually manages to do the garden or vacuum. He cooks on his day off and weekends. However I do the mental load. We have a cleaner 2 hours a fortnight and do the rest between us.

If he was home for 2 days I'd expect the cleaning done by him. How high are your standards?

3 days teaching should be done 7-6 on those days tbh. I do 7-4 in school and 2 hours a night FT. You're letting the job fill too much time. Teaching is like expandable foam.

Cheeky pig (him) you can't do EVERYTHING on your days off because home jobs/kids jobs/life admin, is a daily thing. Certain things need done every day, not just once a week on your day off. In a sahm mum so do the bulk of all these things - i can do tons in one day, but the next day there will be another 100 things need doing - packed lunches, washing, food prep, bill paid, swim bag packed. He needs a wake up call pronto - give him a list with your weekly/daily chore breakdown and let him crack on - that will give him a hypothetical kick in the fandan. 😑

he insinuates to me that I should have enough time on my days off to get everything done.

I can sort of see why he might think this is worth a try. I wouldn't expect an adult human to assist once called out on it.

You have pointed out that this is unfair, haven't you? The only fair division of labour allows equal down time. Do you have that ?

I feel like you have the worst of both worlds OP - you work nearly full time hours in practice but ALSO do 95% of the work at home.

In your situation I'd have the RAGE

I'd honestly go back to work full time in September or asap.

I'd also say to your OH that you need to redistribute tasks. Make a list of absolutely everything that you do daily, weekly, monthly and ad hoc.

Tell him he needs to take on half of the list. So for example if he takes on dentists trips for the kids he has to remember to take them for check ups, schedule the appointment, go with them and handle any follow ups. So he takes the whole task.

If this discussion and division is impossible, I'd go to couples counselling.

I just wouldn't stAnd for this.

I'd be raging if I were you too. It sounds like he literally has no idea. You would be better off working full time and sharing home duties 50/50 because this arrangement is not fair on you at all.

Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate them. I understand the mindset re. working full time but I want to see my child at some point and I think if I taught full-time it would really impact on my relationship with him.

Add up all the hours of work you do a week (at work, extra lesson planning and marking, housework, and admin). Add up the same for him. When yours is much higher than his, ask him to work out how it's fair. If he reckons he could do a better job and quicker, get him to show you how it's done without dropping standards

Also just checking you're not one of those mad mumsnetters who washes towels and bedding after a single use and creates a load of unnecessary work for yourself are you?

Yanbu. In term time you are doing equivalent of a full time job. He needs to step up more.