Married friends finding it tough

[Saintofsanto]

I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or if I have friends who are breathtakingly insensitive but I regularly, regularly have married friends talk at me about the things they find difficult. Like money, when their OH pays the mortgage etc, looking after kids on their own for a few days and how exhausting that is. And I do mean at me because it's not a two way conversation. They don't want to hear my reality.

The important context is that I'm a single parent, Dad not on the scene at all so no free weekend/evenings. No family nearby so need favours or paid babysitter to go out or work late. I pay all my bills, mortgage etc with no benefits or help.

I feel really fortune that I'm not in a miserable relationship, I only have to finance one child, that I'm in well paid industry and have the security of my own home. So I'd never dream of moaning to a SP on benefits and insecure housing.

So am AIBU in thinking my married friends are being insensitive at best...?

No you're not and I totally get how you feel!

Yab slightly unreasonable. It’s not a competition, I have friends who are objectively better off than me, it doesn’t mean their lives don’t have problems and being a friend is about being there for people when they need a moan.

However 1) they should be reciprocating and 2) I do think it’s a bit off to specifically moan to a lone parent about having to look after your child solo. If I wanted to have a winge about that I would make sure to pick a friend who wasn’t raising a child solo! Or at least it would be in a ‘fuck me Jane, I don’t know you do it’ way and very much in passing rather than a proper moan.

But to the point more generally, just because they’re married doesn’t mean they don’t have problems too,

You having problems doesn’t invalidate theirs. Different problems.

Yeah it's the lack of awareness that what they find difficult for a short time is what I do all the time.

I don't have an issue at all about them talking about other issues, and I get it because I'm far happier single than I was married so I know it's not a bed of roses. It's just those ones that stick a bit.

What makes you sobsure they don't want to hear your reality?

I'd be happy I was managing to do what you're doing while they have two adults and are fucking it up.

God forbid they had to look after their kid alone for a few days, dunno how they survived.

They are allowed to have problems and difficulties too.

It's like saying someone can say they have a headache / feeling unwell, just because I have MS.

I don't Trump my friends.

Coming from a single parent.

It sounds like you feel confident and happy with your life and they feel stressed and insecure - I'm not sure that how many adults in the household is necessarily the key point in these conversations, so perhaps they see you as a reasonable outlet for their frustrations as they are presumably aware of your position.

If they are selfish in conversation and don't reciprocate, that's an issue, but it's not something that is unique to married couples, it's just being a bad friend!

Depends on just how much they’re moaning. I think friends should be honest, so if you ask how they are and they genuinely had a tough week because they had less support than usual I think it’s fair enough to briefly mention that. Same if money is a bit tight. But a prolonged one-sided moaning session about money or childcare when they are aware that they’re in a more comfortable position than you would be insensitive, yes.

Well you are a bit, because friends have to be able to let off steam, and you aren’t on your uppers.

But if they don’t want to hear your woes then they aren’t really friends, so time to find some new ones.

looking after kids on their own for a few days and how exhausting that is.

But it is exhausting? That's just a fact.

I get what you're saying, but other people are allowed to find things hard and tireless too. They can't be never allowed to mention such things because you have it harder.

Aren’t friends supposed to share and talk and discuss their lives etc.. not just be tip toeing around the possibility of upsetting someone?
I have one friend who always brings up her “single” status as trumping anything in my life - issues with DH, severely disabled DD, one dead DD, multiple miscarriages, recent sexual assault by a doctor and all the ramifications of speaking up about it.. she’s divorced and has had so many relationships and disappears when they are good. But in between it’s oh wow is me, you are married..
I also can’t work because of my DD, have no “me” time etc.
Dare I mention it?
No..
Do you see what I mean Op?
Not being nasty but we all see life through our own lense and if we don’t share we aren’t really connecting

Woe

I don't think they're being insensitive, just talking about the reality of their lives from their perspective.
No situation is perfect and as you stated yourself, despite being a single parent & having to deal with all the added work etc that entails, there are some benefits & you're not without some level of comfort & security.

No, you’re not being unreasonable. I could have written your post as I have experience similar with friends. Over time my social circle has changed as I’ve discarded friends who made me feel shitty, made more single mum friends and supported friends through divorces.

I kind of get this. However, I have 3dc and my friend has 1; she’s allowed to moan about parenting issues. My issues don’t trump hers and honestly, you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors so the little bit they’re telling you is only ever part of the story.

@Blue4YOU - I have a friend who seems to be obsessed with the fact I don’t have kids and brings it up when I mention any problems. It has made me less keen to spend time with them as I get the distinct impression they disapprovingly view my life as one never-ending round of pampered self-indulgence.

I agree with the connecting comment as I feel like I’m self-censoring around this friend and can’t be myself.

YABU.
everyone has their difficulties.
I'm a single divorced mum of 1 for context.
Even with exdh who did equal share of parenting when we were together, we still found it bloody hard.
Its not insensitive. Its life. Its hard.

I"m not sure I understand your point. You are happy, financially secure and have your own home. But you don't want to hear from friends who might be having relationship problems?

I'm in your position but don't identify with what you say at all, or perhaps I don't get triggered by similar conversations.

I think you're taking it way too personally and defining yourself by marital status. By your logic nobody married should have reason to complain, and I know from my own experience how miserable the wrong relationship can make you.

@ClafoutisSurprisetjats what I mean! I hear you.
If friends were really friends the differences would not matter so much.
Similarly, I’m stuck in a shit marriage because of all the things I’ve described- and all I get is friends saying stupid throw away remarks (I promise I listen to everything they say and actually do care).

YABVVU

You both have problems/difficulties. It’s not a competition whose life is harder.

Sorry OP I don't understand what you're saying either.

They aren't allowed to be tired looking after their kids because they are married and you aren't?

They aren't allowed to have money problems because they have a husband?

Pretty easy to shut it down - next time they say they're tired just turn round, laugh and say - ha try doing it 24/7. They'll get the hint.

Or just take the positive that your friends feel like you're so together, you're the best sound board for their problems.

What, so because you’re a single parent no one else is allowed to find anything hard ever?

Some friend.

I get what you are staying, maybe they should think a little before speaking, especially if they are really going on about it.

However in general I prefer that friends assume I'm happy/confident about my life and don't walk on eggshells in our conversations. I wouldn't like them to think "oh dear better not talk about x because poor lime is single, so sad for her" - that would be a bit patronising and also not true.