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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married friends finding it tough

53 replies

Saintofsanto · 24/03/2022 21:11

I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or if I have friends who are breathtakingly insensitive but I regularly, regularly have married friends talk at me about the things they find difficult. Like money, when their OH pays the mortgage etc, looking after kids on their own for a few days and how exhausting that is. And I do mean at me because it's not a two way conversation. They don't want to hear my reality.

The important context is that I'm a single parent, Dad not on the scene at all so no free weekend/evenings. No family nearby so need favours or paid babysitter to go out or work late. I pay all my bills, mortgage etc with no benefits or help.

I feel really fortune that I'm not in a miserable relationship, I only have to finance one child, that I'm in well paid industry and have the security of my own home. So I'd never dream of moaning to a SP on benefits and insecure housing.

So am AIBU in thinking my married friends are being insensitive at best...?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 25/03/2022 02:34

You don't sound like you are being a good friend to them so maybe it's you being insensitive towards them.

Or maybe you come across as having your life so together that it never occurs to them that the thing they are finding hard at present you may also be finding hard.

Original poster

Saintofsanto · 25/03/2022 06:05

I do think I'm a good friend, I'm a good listener and I'm supportive. I wasn't at all saying my single status trumps any problems people were having in their own lives. And it's not about me being single it's about being solely responsible for the mortgage, for looking after DS. I don't tend to moan about about it because it's my life. And my feelings don't apply at all in situations like bereavement. It's only those very specific points that are doubly hard as a single parent.

I asked if I'm being unreasonable and general consensus is I am. So that's fair I'll take that on and try to reflect on my reaction in those circumstances to check I am being a good friend.

OP posts:

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/03/2022 06:51

Yeah you're unreasonable and I say that as a single parent. My friends come to talk to me about things like that when they're married, it doesn't bother me. They have their own stresses and tbh they aren't used to looking after a child on their own all the time. Plus they're my friends, I can talk to them, they can talk to me. It's how friendship works.

MakeABaer · 25/03/2022 07:10

I think I kind of understand what you're saying op. Being solely responsible is hard but it's also your status quo so you won't feel like chewing it over with friends as it's your 'normal'. Your friends are talking about their problems because these are the things that bother them right now and disturb their peace of mind. Just remember that everyone has their cross to carry at one time or other. Be open and understanding but if you feel your friends are self absorbed you might need to find new ones.

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 25/03/2022 07:10

I don't think it's UR that you're niggles by it.

When you have an ongoing situation that people are tone deaf to it can really rankle, but probably just best to mentally roll your eyes and move on.

I have a couple of friends like this, but the good bits of their friendship far outweighs the occasional irritation.

ShadowPuppets · 25/03/2022 08:28

My dad has a chronic illness, one that causes me an immense amount of stress, one that he’s had since I was 17 and will only get more challenging as time goes on.

My best friend lost her dad unexpectedly to a massive heart attack a few years ago.

She’s never turned around to me when I’m stressing about hospital admissions for dad and told me I’m lucky to still have a dad, which by position of some of the people on this thread she’d have every right to do.

Hankunamatata · 25/03/2022 08:34

Ones friends woes don't trump another. Good friends moan to each other without judgment. My friend finds their only child, neurotypical incredibly difficult, I have 3 sen children. Of course I want to be their sounding board when things with crappy with their dc the same as they listen to me. It isn't a competition.

Original poster

Saintofsanto · 25/03/2022 08:39

@ShadowPuppets

My dad has a chronic illness, one that causes me an immense amount of stress, one that he’s had since I was 17 and will only get more challenging as time goes on.

My best friend lost her dad unexpectedly to a massive heart attack a few years ago.

I don't think it's the same as that actually. DS's Dad isn't around at all but I'm hugely sympathetic to other SP friends who have Dads that dick around with contact. Just less so with friends who have to look after kids for a weekend whilst their DH is on a jolly.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 25/03/2022 09:02

As a single parent with no support whatsoever and no unpaid childcare at all I totally relate to what you say.

But I also think that people have problems and the fact you are a single parent doesn’t invalidate their problems. It’s not an automatic trump card.

Its difficult to empathise when someone is going through a situation you have not experienced yourself. A good friend will try though.

Steelesauce · 25/03/2022 09:11

Lone parent of 3 who works full time here. I do get your point, I have a SAHM friend who's husband works away a lot and she has a lot of support (including from me!) And I do eye roll inwardly sometimes when she struggles with her 2 kids.

However, we're friends. She was there for me when my life was falling apart. So I listen, make the right noises and take her kids sometimes to help her out when she feels overwhelmed. I know damn well she will return the favour when I struggle, like she has in the past. Plus, now I am settled into lone parent life, I find it way easier then having a partner. I only have to consider me and the kids, no ones permission to ask if I want to make a big purchase, no worrying what time they are home for meal times etc. Yes they have someone, but I do think it can make it more difficult sometimes.

Hankunamatata · 25/03/2022 09:22

@Saintofsanto

I asked if I'm being unreasonable and general consensus is I am. So that's fair I'll take that on and try to reflect on my reaction in those circumstances to check I am being a good friend.

I do think its important to consider if they are being good friends to you or even if you are just different personality types. You say you dont moan and just get on with it perhaps it would help to have a moan about life and its blah

DamnUserName21 · 25/03/2022 09:26

YABU.
I'm in a similar situation to you, OP. But I recognise people struggle whatever their circumstances and, quite frankly, I feel better off (emotionally, financially, socially) than a lot of two-parent families, I know.
The stressors are similar but different.
For instance, financially, I live paycheque to paycheque but that's my money to control unlike a two-parent family that might have a partner splurging all the time.

Mangogogogo · 25/03/2022 09:32

I always find it odd when people complain about looking after their own children on their own for a weekend or even a day! I always thought it was usually men but actually a famous person on his podcast always says his wife ‘has been alone with their kids ALL DAY and how guilty he feels and how she’s going to be soooo tired and annoyed’ and I just think.. what do you think we all did on maternity when our partners went back to work?! We had three under 6 at one point and I mean.. they’re my bloody children and partner had to go to work to pay our house!

Lunalicious · 25/03/2022 09:33

YABU single mothers don't have the monopoly on finding life hard! It isnt some contest.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/03/2022 09:56

The thing which does wind me up is when coupled parents bust my balls about working too hard and not spending enough time with my kid. Or bang on about how no one ever wished they had worked harder on their deathbed etc. (My pet hate).

It shouldn’t take much empathy to recognise that this luxury is not open to many single parents.

Onlyforcake · 25/03/2022 10:04

If you don't want to listen to what they're saying, don't spend time with them.

Itwasnotmeormydog · 25/03/2022 10:15

I think if you are not prepared to listen to your friends because you think your own problems are bigger and therefore they shouldn't mention theirs then you should accept you aren't really their friend. Stop seeing them. Stop resenting them. Life is short. Go find some friends whose problems you consider worse than your own. Of course, you'll not be able to moan about your problems in front of them but you can listen to them without irritation or resentment.

Samanabanana · 25/03/2022 10:36

Everyone's pressure points are relative. Just because your friends aren't single parents doesn't mean they can't find things hard or let off steam to their friends. You sound like you don't like them very much!

NeedleNoodle3 · 25/03/2022 10:42

I’ve been a single parent and have had some difficult times in my marriage, health, DH working away etc and both situations have been tough at times.

crispmidnightpeace · 25/03/2022 11:32

I wouldn't really call people friends if conversations were all just one way. You're a sounding board. That's not friendship. It's not about them being married, it's about them not treating you like a friend.

Ditch them. Just keep real friends with whom you have mutual respect, enjoy each other's company (doesn't sound like you enjoy their company), and care for and about each other's circumstances.

WellThisWentWell · 25/03/2022 11:43

YANBU

I’m not a parent, but I understand what you’re saying.

I’m life long single, not by my choice and there are times when it’s really difficult to listen people complain/still not be happy, even when they have so much, I mean partner/kids.

So many strange comments, looks like many took what you wrote personally….

Original poster

Saintofsanto · 25/03/2022 12:12

@WellThisWentWell

YANBU

I’m not a parent, but I understand what you’re saying.

I’m life long single, not by my choice and there are times when it’s really difficult to listen people complain/still not be happy, even when they have so much, I mean partner/kids.

So many strange comments, looks like many took what you wrote personally….

I'm a little surprised by the vitriol too, but it's AIBU so happy to take it on board.

I think you understand where I'm coming from. I have a friend who couldn't have children and I just don't do any woe is me to her about parentlife because I can see how hard it is for her to listen to it.

This thread has been really interesting to see other people's viewpoints. This single mum will now get over herself 😂

OP posts:

Natfemale · 25/03/2022 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Momicrone · 25/03/2022 12:26

I don't know, relationships are hard, if you're not in one that takes out a lot of stress, I am talking from experience, let your friends moan, you sound like you're in a good position

Chely · 25/03/2022 12:32

Everyone needs a good moan.
Try moaning to them too.

I am not a single parent but my dh works away for long periods so I do cope alone. The lone mum I know has our mutual friends offering her help because she is on her own, nobody offers me help because I have a husband. Everyone has some shitty bits in their life, they can feel alone or overwhelmed and need to vent about it.

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