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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender reveal to family

80 replies

treetop122 · 24/03/2022 20:33

I am 19 weeks pregnant with my third baby and plan to find out the gender at the next scan. I already have two sons (which we kept gender a surprise until born with both).

My SIL is due her first long awaited baby in the next few weeks and she doesn't know the gender.

Husbands family only have grandsons (we are currently on 6 grandsons) so everyone is hopeful that a girl might appear soon!

Also worth mentioning that no one on husbands side has ever found out the gender of baby before birth, so no gender reveals etc.

I told my husband I would like to wait until after SILs baby is born before we tell anyone the gender. I feel like if we were to have a girl and tell everyone, weeks before she gave birth to a girl would be stealing her thunder.
Husband says I'm being silly.

AIBU to tell family the gender of our third baby before the birth of SILs baby?

I am happy to wait! Husband is not!

Although I realise there are lots of ifs ands and buts to this AIBU..

If we were to have another boy, I wouldn't wait to tell everyone, because we have all boys anyway! We might not be able to find out sex at scan if I'm wrong position.. etc etc so all this could be a none issue..

So what would people do in my situation?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 24/03/2022 21:01

If you want to know the sex of the baby for your personal reasons then find out.

If you want to share its sex then do. If you want to wait then do.

What if SIl has a girl and then you do? It's her girl likely to be treated as favourite? Do you worry yours will be treated differently if she's a girl and sil has a boy?

Whatever sex the baby it should be welcomed into the world equally.

Abouttimemum · 24/03/2022 21:01

I do agree with you, for the reasons you stated, but even if you were to wait until say, a couple of weeks after SIL gives birth, then it’s still going to look a bit thundery stealy (spesh if she has a boy and you find out you’re having a girl)

So I think either just tell people after the 20 week scan, or at birth.

You can always ask her what she thinks. I wouldn’t have been bothered at all, in fact I’d have been devastated to be having a girl 😂😂 (joke) but I know some people are.

Original poster
treetop122 · 24/03/2022 21:02

@anonanonanon123

I personally wouldn't hold off for someone else if you want to find out and want to share the news with family, I don't think it really matters. It's not your fault your SIL doesn't want to know sex before hand. Maybe a big reveal party might be a bit off but if you want to get a scan find out then not keep it a secret from family then I don't see why you shouldn't.
This is how my husband feels...

And no gender reveal party planned. We would just pass on the news in normal conversation/text. Nothing fancy!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 24/03/2022 21:04

Let everyone wait till the babies are born.

No one needs to know. If you two want to know for planning then keep it to yourselves.

But then I do think ‘gender’ reveals are the spawn of the devil 👹

HellToTheNope · 24/03/2022 21:04

I would hold off so your SIL can have the spotlight. It's a really lovely thing for you to do.

DappledThings · 24/03/2022 21:04

Just tell them. Dragging it out makes it a far bigger deal than it needs to be and makes it look way more that you are being competitive than just telling people casually when you know.

Original poster
treetop122 · 24/03/2022 21:06

@DappledThings

Just tell them. Dragging it out makes it a far bigger deal than it needs to be and makes it look way more that you are being competitive than just telling people casually when you know.
This is my concern too.. I kind of feel like I'm damned if o do and I'm damned if I don't.

Feel like maybe I shouldn't find out again so no issues..
Maybe it's all too much overthinking and not worth worrying about..:

Much much bigger things going on in the world.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 24/03/2022 21:09

I definitely agree about overthinking! It's nice you are doing so but I really wouldn't get too concerned about it. If you find out the sex and don't intend to keep it a secret till the birth then I would just mention it when you know. I don't think anyone remotely sensible could object to you doing so!

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 24/03/2022 21:11

I'd be amazed if a scan can tell you how your baby might like to dress, but by all means find out the sex and do or don't tell people before or after your sil has had her baby. There seems to be a lot invested in the sex of these babies, does it matter that much? We never found out the sex before the birth with any of our 3, I'd say if you didn't with 1 and 2 you probably shouldn't with the 3rd either. We already had 1 of each but even if we hadn't I didn't actually care about the sex.

internetpersonme · 24/03/2022 21:15

You do realise no body gives a shit if someone is having a boy or a girl?

Original poster
treetop122 · 24/03/2022 21:16

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

I'd be amazed if a scan can tell you how your baby might like to dress, but by all means find out the sex and do or don't tell people before or after your sil has had her baby. There seems to be a lot invested in the sex of these babies, does it matter that much? We never found out the sex before the birth with any of our 3, I'd say if you didn't with 1 and 2 you probably shouldn't with the 3rd either. We already had 1 of each but even if we hadn't I didn't actually care about the sex.
Haha I like your comment..

You are right and maybe I am putting too much emphasis on the clothes!

It's not just that, we are also decorating and planning how to room share our children (as we are currently in 3 bed).. when the baby is older obviously, but big decoration of whole upstairs will be happening before baby arrives.

I am not overly fussed and plan on reusing lots of clothes regardless (which is why I have stored every thing I could!).. so not overly boy clothes/ girl clothes rigid... but there are a lot of clothes up there!

OP posts:
LabelMaker · 24/03/2022 21:17

Completely up to you and your husband. Don't do a tacky reveal and big it up though. Especially if you're having a girl. All the grandchildren should be seen as equal by the grandparents. My inlaws are the reverse and want more boys to carry on the family name.. forgetting that theirs nothing that says they have to have their last name.

LabelMaker · 24/03/2022 21:18

How will the room sharing make a difference?

Original poster
treetop122 · 24/03/2022 21:18

@internetpersonme

You do realise no body gives a shit if someone is having a boy or a girl?
This is very true... Except I kinda feel like it would be a big deal (rightly or wrongly) for my in-laws to get a granddaughter from SIL after 5 years of trying and 3 rounds of IVF...

Not saying that's right, I just think they want the fairytale..

OP posts:
Bizawit · 24/03/2022 21:20

Aw I think it’s lovely that you are being so considerate of your sil. I agree keep it private and let her have her moment. The rest of the family will find out the sex or your little one soon enough ☺️

ExMachinaDeus · 24/03/2022 21:21

Whatever the baby’s sex, please teach it the difference between sex and gender.

Original poster
treetop122 · 24/03/2022 21:22

@LabelMaker

How will the room sharing make a difference?
There's a 4.5 year age gap between DSs

So if we have another DS, then youngest two will eventually share. Given older DS more space.

If baby is a girl, then 2 DSs will share.

Both bedrooms getting newly decorated before baby arrives. So need new furniture, toddler bed and cot etc.

DS2 is in cot still.: so just trying to work out the logistics

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 24/03/2022 21:26

I knew for #2 and #3 but we didn't tell anyone. Why don't you do that?

If people asked with #3 I'd say "if we have a girl, it's easy, because we have everything. If baby's a boy, then I get to go shopping again-isn't that great!" We didn't mention that we knew and that worked best.

With #2 people did know that we knew and a few people tried to second guess from things we said. In fact MIL was so convinced that #2 was a boy that dd2 received a "Congratulations on your baby boy girl" card and a blue jumper Grin that she'd bought in preparation.
Some people promptly went and asked dd1 what it was. I think she said "a kitten" to a few and they went off that idea. Grin

We chose to know with #2 as the scan had brought up some issues, so people weren't really focussed on the boy/girl thing. With ds it was obvious as he was waving all very obviously.

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 24/03/2022 21:31

@treetop122 if you've had 2 surprises before you must have loads of white/neutral 0-1 month clothes, we reused all the neutral stuff from the first so they all wore white lots the 1st month. We did have a fleeting moment of should we find out with the 3rd as we kept all the boy and girl clothes from 1 and 2, in the end though my husband got the clothes out the loft and I sorted and labelled bags of clothes into age and sex. We could have had a major clear out before they arrived if we'd found out. I wanted the finding out at the birth again though, I think it's lovely, even after a horrid birth it's still a lovely moment.

LabelMaker · 24/03/2022 21:36

Ah I see. In that case then I'd find out personally. But don't do a massive reveal. If it's a girl then it's best the family know now and then if SIL's is a girl too then hers is still the first girl. If hers is a boy and they are like oh well there's a girl on the way then they are complete shits.

HP87 · 24/03/2022 21:41

I'd just say in the 20 week scan that you don't want to know, then go for a private scan after sil baby is born. Might annoy your dh in the scan but oh well, it will be done then and he'll have to get over it.💁🏼‍♀️

Boxowine · 24/03/2022 21:57
  1. Sex not gender. 2. If you’re only 19 weeks you have months to go to start spilling the beans. 3. People don’t really care all that much. 4. We should all be focusing on what a gift it is to have a healthy baby. 5. Why did we invent all this internet/ social media stuff anyway. 6. My second son was predicted to be a girl. Surprise. 7. Before sonograms we all just waited for the baby to be born and most newborn clothing was either yellow or mint Green and babies were just dressed like babies.
Blossomtoes · 24/03/2022 21:58

@ChairCareOh

Just wait. If your husband won’t agree then just don’t find out the sex at the scan.
This. You’re being generous and sensitive. What a nice woman you are. 💕
SallSall · 24/03/2022 22:03

You sound lovely and thoughtful. At the end of the day the first girl born will the first girl in the family - irrespective of announcement timings. I would also keep your baby clothes until afterwards.
good luck

Passthebubbly · 24/03/2022 22:04

I agree with you totally and you are so considerate and sweet. Enjoy the secret between the 2 of you for a few weeks if you decide to find out. You will know when the time is appropriate to share the news. Please come back and update us as soon as you find out though 😘

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