Choosing a sperm donor

[Tropicaliyes]

Hello,

I would like to know if you was in a SS relationship and TTC would the donors race matter to you?

If you are for example both identifying with one race would it be an option for you to get a donor that is the opposite and not going to reflect you both as a couple?

If you both had completely different ideas on what you wanted out of the donor racially how would you meet half way?

Apparently I’m being unreasonable not wanting a specific race and am lessening our chances because that maybe all the bank has (I don’t know any bank that only has one race to have to settle with what you don’t want).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting a specific race even though many couples choose a donor based on more than just race like eye and hair colour and I don’t care for that, just the race?

Just need some opinions because I’m tired of having the same argument and being made to feel like I’m in the wrong non stop to the point where it makes me want to not bother full stop.

TIA

I think there was a case recently which caused a bit of outrage because the white couple used the egg of a black woman. Or something to that effect. I feel like if you're paying for sperm you can pick whatever the hell you want. Else surely they'd make it all random and you'd just get the pot at the front of the shelf.

It depends. If you are white and partner is black for example and you wanted a white donor (if you were carrying the baby) or vice versa if she was carrying the baby.

I personally think the baby should reflect the parents.
A white couple choosing a black donor or a black couple choosing a white donor because they want a mixed baby is extremely strange to me.

There are lots of variables.

When me and my wife were choosing a donor, we also had fertility counselling. They advised that of we chose a black donor (we are both white) they would question why. Would we be able to discuss their culture and ethnic origins that kind of thing.

Ad it happens, we wanted a white donor. What are the reasons for choosing a black donor?

YANBU to want your donor to reflect your own race IMO.

It's not unreasonable to want a donor that reflects the racial make up of you as a couple. You want your child to feel like the belong. Choosing something that will mark them out so obviously as not being biologically related to both of you seems a bit cruel tbh.

Hi all and thanks for replying..

So we are both Caribbean, my partner was born in Jamaica with a partially Chinese dad (the Chinese features came out a lot in her and her brother). I was born in England with a St. Lucian mum and a white English Dad (I came out with more white features than black).

Trying to find someone that can give us a child to reflect us both is already incredibly hard however I feel choosing a Chinese person can reflect my partners Chinese features while giving it a lighter skin tone that could potentially pass as both of our child.. If we choose a black donor or a white donor is will swing either way as neither of us are fully one race.

@DuvetHugger I honestly don’t understand how the councillor can advise you both go with having a black donor when you are both white and honestly if it is not something that you both want then you both should dispute it!

What they have not taken not consideration is cultural differences, potentially raising a child with let’s say a hair type you might not know how to manage, even your surroundings, if you live in a predominantly white area it might not reflect well having a child not of the same race and not to mention the child not being able to reflect you both..

Like @Easymeasy said it does seem incredibly strange when seeing couples choose donors of a completely different race, I mean everyone has their right to choose what they want but it does leave a lot to be questioned.

We are planning to use both of us however I’m to be used first, if you mix a white donor with me it will make the child more white than black (my partner is more black than Chinese or even white).. we have the same issue with using a black donor and her (it wouldn’t reflect me at all)..

We have decided to contact Manchester fertility clinic as they said they have more diverse ethnic groups to choose from (not too far from us in London) to see what our options are.

@Tropicaliyes I honestly don’t understand how the councillor can advise you both go with having a black donor when you are both white and honestly if it is not something that you both want then you both should dispute it! the counsellor did not advise them to use a black donor. Did you read the post?

Will you use the same sperm donor for both?

Right I read it wrong, I thought it said they that’s what they advised however it said they would question it if they chose the opposite, my bad

@ReeseWitherfork yes we was planning to have them be half siblings so same donor.

I think if you are not using the same donor for both potential kids you choose a donor who mirrors the non genetic mum. You say your parent is dark but a black donor would lead to a child who wouldn’t look like your colouring. But that would be the case for a true genetic mix of you and your partner too?

Ignore me, cross post.

Do you think they might have a mixed heritage Caribbean and white donor? It’s not like that’s in common?

Partner not parent I meant

Good luck with Manchester Fertility, my wife and I had our son with them. He’s 7 now. They really are fantastic.

@MaryGubbins I’m not sure if we can use a donor with the same or similar mix, I mean when we get there we will be able to see what is available but I’m not going to set myself on that because it is a big ask. If my partner and I could mix genetics it would be at least 3/4 black or a little less with white and Chinese left over.. it seems a bit complex trying to match genetics so I guess we will have to see what is available but I’m happy if we can get it close.

@Coldilox thank you so much and I cannot say how great it is to hear of someone that has actually used them and have good feedback! This whole experience is a first for us and would be very daunting to say the least but I guess that would be the same for all of us using clinics 😬

Did you both have success the first time with them or it took a while? I see with IVF they can refund you if there is no success.. we are not sure if we will do IVF or IUI but will have them call us tomorrow hopefully to help clear some stuff up 🤞

The guarantee plan where you get a refund wasn’t available when we did it.

We had three rounds of IUI which didn’t work, but then I got pregnant on the first round of IVF. I found the staff really lovely, I could call up and talk to one of the nurses any time if I had questions or concerns, they were very clear and honest when talking to us about our options etc. Would definitely recommend them.

We always thought we’d have two but then decided to stick with one, but we would have been quite happy to go back to them to try again had we decided to go that way.

I keep hearing that IUI has a low success rate compared to IVF but then it’s so much more expensive doing the IVF it’s hard trying to decide which one to go for.. I’m not sure if it is only a issue if you already have fertility issues or not but wow we have to pay so much for something that is free for others 😭.. hopefully it works out in the end and is worth it 🤞

Btw if you didn’t use the 3 cycles what happens to the rest?

We are both white and were basically told by our clinic that we had to pick white, I mean not that clearly but it was made clear they would frown on us making any other sort of decision.

Have you looked much at donors yet? We got our from a big American sperm bank and the choice was pretty limited. I went in with all sorts of things on my list and basically had to let about 80% go! There isn’t a lot of choice, so it may well be a bit out of your hands. Especially if you need CMV- donors.

Good luck! 😀

This all seems very messy.

I would never want a child it it meant this level of questioning.

If you and your partner were a heterosexual couple, you could’ve a child who would look black, with a look of mixed race about them. Genetics is a funny thing.
I would just pick any of your ethnic background and go with it tbh. Or just go for someone who is mixed race - white and black? They are plenty of mixed Chinese/black around these days. It’s just not ‘easy’ to tell at first glance.

@Shamoo are you in the states?

Is it usual for them to push you to whatever they say? Was the bank you used one that you knew had limited selection or did they say they had more than what you found they had?

We are going with the clinic we have chosen because it said it has the widest range of donors in the country including what we are looking for. When we speak to them we will find out what is and is not available before we start so hopefully there is not so much disappointment as you had to experience 😔.

@Pangolin44 what questioning are you speaking of? And unfortunately when going through a clinic and using donors you have to go through all levels of questioning and tests that isn’t usually needed but that’s our life I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️

@TheBeautifulMoors I hope we could find a donor mix like what you stated but it seems like not many donors are available as the mixes you see out there in every day life.. the banks are always saying how limited they are especially for certain groups so it seems like we would have to see what is available and choose the closes match for us.. I’m just hoping we can find something we both agree on because trying to find a good reflection for us both is important to me and in fact both of us to a certain degree.

I used Manchester Fertility as a single woman and they were excellent. My daughter is almost three and a half. The donor team were very good at helping me to make the right choice.

With adoption they like you like to be able to help your child identify with their background so that’s why there are so many mixed race boys waiting to be adopted as they won’t let white couples adopt them.
Maybe it’s the same with speed donors

*sperm donors