Choosing a sperm donor

[Tropicaliyes]

Hello,

I would like to know if you was in a SS relationship and TTC would the donors race matter to you?

If you are for example both identifying with one race would it be an option for you to get a donor that is the opposite and not going to reflect you both as a couple?

If you both had completely different ideas on what you wanted out of the donor racially how would you meet half way?

Apparently I’m being unreasonable not wanting a specific race and am lessening our chances because that maybe all the bank has (I don’t know any bank that only has one race to have to settle with what you don’t want).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting a specific race even though many couples choose a donor based on more than just race like eye and hair colour and I don’t care for that, just the race?

Just need some opinions because I’m tired of having the same argument and being made to feel like I’m in the wrong non stop to the point where it makes me want to not bother full stop.

TIA

[quote Tropicaliyes]@TheBeautifulMoors I hope we could find a donor mix like what you stated but it seems like not many donors are available as the mixes you see out there in every day life.. the banks are always saying how limited they are especially for certain groups so it seems like we would have to see what is available and choose the closes match for us.. I’m just hoping we can find something we both agree on because trying to find a good reflection for us both is important to me and in fact both of us to a certain degree.[/quote]
I completely understand. All the best in finding the best fit for you both.

[quote Tropicaliyes]@Shamoo are you in the states?

Is it usual for them to push you to whatever they say? Was the bank you used one that you knew had limited selection or did they say they had more than what you found they had?

We are going with the clinic we have chosen because it said it has the widest range of donors in the country including what we are looking for. When we speak to them we will find out what is and is not available before we start so hopefully there is not so much disappointment as you had to experience 😔.

@Pangolin44 what questioning are you speaking of? And unfortunately when going through a clinic and using donors you have to go through all levels of questioning and tests that isn’t usually needed but that’s our life I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️[/quote]
I personally would advise using a European sperm bank like Cryos. They have a way bigger range of all ethnicities.

I used them and their service was amazing. Whereas the American bank I used was hit and miss.

Local banks have fewer donors and many donate based on the fact they're having fertility treatment there. I personally didn't want to run the risk of there being 10 families in England with my donor and this likelihood was reduced by using a European bank.

My friend used double donor. She's Pakistani, and she'd say a dark colour, and opted for a white Greek egg donor and Arab sperm donor. She was definite she wanted a lighter skinned child. Unfortunately, the child looks nothing like her nor her family and has led to lots of questions why etc.

I personally would stick to races that will most likely result in a child representing you both.

@Tropicaliyes no we are in the U.K. They would have let us pick a none white donor obviously (they can’t stop it) but they made it clear they thought it would be a stupid choice as two white women!

We used a massive US donor bank. There just really aren’t that many donors once you start adding in your criteria (and the fact they have to be allowed for use in the U.K.)

@Latenightreader ooo thank you so much for letting me know your success, I am starting to feel less apprehensive going forward with this clinic now having heard success stories, and even if people are not successful, just knowing they have handled peoples situations with care and respect is very comforting to say the least! And your LO is 3 1/2!, 🤗🤗

@pinkstripeycat that is news to me, we tried to enquire with the local adoption/fostering services quite a few years ago to start and then again a few years later and then this year and it honestly seems like the people in control are the ones causing the delays because we have been turned down countless times simply because of a lack of bedroom.. They didn’t even allow you to put your name down on a list or better yet when we said we can make the room or are planning to move to a bigger place they didn’t care to hear any of it! Even saying that a newborn needs their own room even though it said different online so 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Also I have known a few people adopt children of opposite races near us, I can’t say I know lots or many but I know they are out there so it’s strange white couples cannot adopt mixed baring in mind they can be half white (if that’s their mix) so naturally they could have been raised in a white family as that’s the case with a lot of us, a lot more than the way I was raised with the black family so very strange.

The issue with using sperm from overseas is that your child can never get in touch with their donor when they're an adult. The law to remove anonymity in the U.K. was changed for a reason - because it's better for the children conceived using donor gametes.

Remember that the most important person in the process is the child, not the parent.

I'm in a SS marriage and we did IVF with sperm donor. DW is part-Chinese and the clinic were desperate for her to agree to do the IVF on tbe egg-sharing basis as it's so hard for them to find Chinese egg and sperm donors. Or Asian donors generally. So if you're fixed on that, you may well have quite a wait.

Could you ask you DPs brother for a donation if you're going to carry the baby? Or is that weird?

@ChoiceMummy we actually was going to use Cryos a few years ago and seemed like a great idea as it seemed they could deliver to your home which took out the great cost of clinics however it turned out they won’t deliver to homes in the U.K. so wasn’t an option back then when we was looking.

I have even seen people in the U.K. on here say they got cryos to deliver to their homes also but when I spoke to them they said that was never the case so 🤷🏽‍♀️. Now we are in the position to be able to go with an affordable clinic it doesn’t seem as far fetched to use somewhere like cryos now, but luckily when choosing a clinic we can go ahead and use any bank so if they don’t have what we are looking for we can always go ahead and find what we want elsewhere.

I understand with the 10 local families thing, for this reason we was going to use a private donor from online as most hadn’t been successful in donating however it just seems ridiculous as they will say no for any reason and if they say yes then getting them to meet you in the time needed seems like it hasn’t worked out.. so many unnecessary stresses we can’t be bothered to deal with now.. we don’t plan to stay in England when our children get older so I guess it doesn’t matter if families here have the same donor (also many of them donate to other countries also which defeats the point 🤦🏽‍♀️).

As for your friend, it’s very unfortunate that she is now being questioned about her baby and such but then I feel she could have played it very different if she was using double donors and gotten lighter skinned Pakistani donors or other Asian light skinned donors without making them so light it would lead people to wonder but then at the same time as long as she is happy then it doesn’t matter what others say now as the baby is already here now..

@Shamoo ooh right I see what you are saying, yes I can understand the whole limited donor situation, it seems to be a reoccurring theme with banks now, I will be open minded and optimistic but then I will also bare in mind that we might not get what we want.. besides race we don’t have any requirements so hopefully it won’t be too bad 🤞.

@Clymene the thing is in a time like now true anonymity isn’t a thing when you have places like ancestry DNA and similar places now offering traces of your ancestry line it is not that much of a big issue now so you don’t have to worry so much.

@1Wanda1 funnily we saw it would be like £700 ish to do egg sharing in comparison to other options and I guess it is because of what you mentioned, getting eggs in general is not as easy as sperm donors especially as retrieval is more invasive for us. Luckily we have the ability to use our own eggs, and I wouldn’t share my eggs simply because I have a potential of a genetic illness being passed on which I wouldn’t want another person to deal with.. but hopefully as we are just looking for sperm is shouldn’t be too hard or we can just get it from another bank and ship to our clinic.

I hope the process went well for you both and all went according to plan.

@KindergartenKop yeah using my Partners brother is not an option as he is only 12, also we both find it morally wrong for us to use either of our brothers especially if they would be around the babies knowing they biologically came from them not eachother however if anyone chooses that method then I support their choices as we do what we have to 😊

Yeah maybe not a 12 year old

We are both white, we never considered sperm from another race as felt the child was up against it already having mothers that were same sex without being from another culture as well.

@Clymene

The issue with using sperm from overseas is that your child can never get in touch with their donor when they're an adult. The law to remove anonymity in the U.K. was changed for a reason - because it's better for the children conceived using donor gametes.

Remember that the most important person in the process is the child, not the parent.

No, there are anonymous and non anonymous donors using banks from abroad.

That's good to know @ChoiceMummy. I do think saying we have access to ancestry dna data is a bit glib.

@Clymene

That's good to know *@ChoiceMummy*. I do think saying we have access to ancestry dna data is a bit glib.

I agree with this.

You sound quite flippant about your own child's right to know their genetic heritage.

There is a lot of evidence in this day and age about how many donor conceived children can suffer emotionally and mentally from lack of access to their own genetic history and biological family.

You're the adult, you're making this decision. Be responsible and consider this aspect, don't just handwave and say your child can handle it with ancestry.com one day. That's not good enough.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but it sounds to me like your OH is anxious about this. She might need to know what you're willing to give on in certain scenarios. Maybe she needs to know what you're prepared to do in the scenario where you can't find sperm with the ethnicity you want. Maybe she's feeling anxious by the whole process, chances of success and so on and focusing on this as something you can both actually control. I think trying a couple of clinics would seem reasonable to me, for her that could be too much of a delay. Feelings aren't defined by their reasonableness or not.

@juneybean

We are both white, we never considered sperm from another race as felt the child was up against it already having mothers that were same sex without being from another culture as well.

This is how I would feel. I think people should really consider this. My first two children are mixed race (via their father) and it’s a bit of a struggle sometimes because I feel bad that they don’t have any connection to their heritage etc. I try to provide that but obviously it’s not the same, and it can raise awkward questions if the child looks distinctly mixed race. So my kids often are asked. Even simple things like me having to learn to care for dd hair in a different way than I do my own and little dd. The child could feel isolated or conflicted.

Wow things must have changed from when I had my donor treatment 14 years ago. There was a 6 month wait to get one donor, and literally no choice at all.

I would say as well choosing a donor of a certain race won’t necessarily guarantee the child will have a certain skin tone/look. My two oldest kids are the exact same mother and father and yet my daughter is more light skin, light hair and eyes etc. Compared to my son who is darker skin, dark hair and eyes. Like you can’t guarantee the child will reflect the exact way you hope they will.

I honestly wasn’t bothered about the donor’s colouring, and chose a donor who looked different from me. However, in hindsight, I’m glad that DD ended up with the same colouring as my relatives and me, as she can easily see that she “belongs” to our family.

To be honest, I missed out on the first two donors I liked as they “sold out” very quickly. I decided the next time I saw a donor profile I liked, I would go for it. And I did. One one hand, it seems quite random, but on the other hand, it feels as though it was meant to be.

This does sound very designer baby made to order with this level of worrying about skin colour and facial features. But if you are determined to go ahead then take the advice of the prople providing your treatment.

I had four children by donor many years ago with my now exH. I had to have ICI at for all four, two were at one clinic and the others at another as we moved. We didn’t get any choice and donor sperm was in shortage as the anonymity laws were on the cusp of change. One of my kids was born with multiple and complex disabilities (hydrocephalus, epilepsy, cerebral palsy etc). As my child shared a sibling with this donor, we informed clinic and donor was withdrawn. We then found out a genetic reason why this donor should have not been selected; in addition to high miscarriage rate and a sadly a stillborn baby. The other two were different donors as there was no supply left two years on after the third child. My convoluted point is that back in mid 90s/2000s, through NHS we had no choice of donor. Came in when ovulation test was positive and I say it was ICI. It was also paid for by us not NHS funded but treatment at NHS. Good luck and all the best on your journey. I suppose I’m interested in fact that nowadays there is a choice whereas before it was difficult sourcing donors and matching to father was really non existent.

Thanks all for the replies, I wanted to say that for us personally we don’t have any specific hair/eye colour or features or anything designer like that, the most we wanted to choose was the ethnicity since there are many things tied up with this as many people have expressed in this one thread through their own personal experiences.

My sister and I have the same parents and are complete opposites… I have all my white fathers features including a lighter skin tone and my sister has all my mothers features including a darker skin tone so I am not expecting a carbon copy of each other however using the same sperm donor but using both my partner and I wouldn’t make copies either and there is no way they would look the same as the genetics are different for both but it would at least secure them as half siblings.

My parents were separated and growing up in the early 90s I had to endure people questioning or even stating I had been stolen from a white couple, I had people ripping me from my mothers hands/arms and was treated extremely different simply because society didn’t accept a light skinned mixed child being born to a black woman.. these things I still remember to this day and it’s such horrible memories I would hate for anyone let alone my own children to go through.. luckily things have changed a lot now but not 100%

Indeed you can choose who you want as a donor from loads of profiles made available to you which contains the donors hobbies, traits, appearance, medical history (to an extent), occupation and other things. There is always the chance things can be withheld and you potentially have a child that has to pay for it, but then that is also a chance in nature as standardly you don’t do genetic testing with a potential partner you will have children with so I think in a way being able to see more info on a person is a plus and if anything is missed it is a risk but one that could have happened anyway, we all just hope that wouldn’t be the case.

Lastly I was not saying that because a child doesn’t know their father to tell them ancestry DNA exists and so good luck… I was just pointing out that anonymity is a little harder to keep now days because the likes of ancestry DNA and similar exist and even people that had closed adoptions and donors in the past can benefit from these things even though it was meant to be anonymous. Now you also have the option to know about the donor even if they chose to have no contact with future children.. if I knew they didn’t want any contact I would try to respect their wishes and know that should my children want to find them at 18, it may not go so well as it was already stated they wanted no contact if that makes any sense.

I'm not sure why you are trying so hard to create a child whose appearance reflects you both, as you are both women and therefore can't expect to be both genetically linked to your child. For whose benefit is it ? Once the child gets older, they will know that both mums didn't pass on their genes. If it is for you, to somehow feel more connected to the child, I would put those feelings aside. As other people have said, there are no guarantees that your child will look like the donor anyway. I had a child through egg donation and she looks nothing like the donor's description, nor me obviously. I couldn't love her more and we are very close.

I think if you want your culture and heritage reflected then you think about that. DW and I are both white,
So we used a white donor. Friends used a black donor as the birth mum was white, non birth mum
Was black.

‘ I'm not sure why you are trying so hard to create a child whose appearance reflects you both, as you are both women and therefore can't expect to be both genetically linked to your child. ’

We picked a donor who had the non- birth parents colouring - should we not have bothered then?
Of course people choose donors based on their heritage, culture, background or what’s important to them - eg education over ‘looks’ etc
Why wouldn’t they?