Choosing a sperm donor

[Tropicaliyes]

Hello,

I would like to know if you was in a SS relationship and TTC would the donors race matter to you?

If you are for example both identifying with one race would it be an option for you to get a donor that is the opposite and not going to reflect you both as a couple?

If you both had completely different ideas on what you wanted out of the donor racially how would you meet half way?

Apparently I’m being unreasonable not wanting a specific race and am lessening our chances because that maybe all the bank has (I don’t know any bank that only has one race to have to settle with what you don’t want).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting a specific race even though many couples choose a donor based on more than just race like eye and hair colour and I don’t care for that, just the race?

Just need some opinions because I’m tired of having the same argument and being made to feel like I’m in the wrong non stop to the point where it makes me want to not bother full stop.

TIA

‘ keep hearing that IUI has a low success rate compared to IVF but then it’s so much more expensive doing the IVF i’

That’s true because many couples with fertility issues start with IUI but I know MANY Rainbow Families , ourselves included, who used IUI successfully in a clinic or even at home as they had no fertility issues.
And a clinic will start by running some basic tests to check there’s nothing obvious that might indicate a fertility issue.

‘ Clymene
The issue with using sperm from overseas is that your child can never get in touch with their donor when they're an adult. The law to remove anonymity in the U.K. was changed for a reason - because it's better for the children conceived using donor gametes.

Remember that the most important person in the process is the child, not the parent.’

That’s not true- perhaps if you haven’t experienced donor conception, or tried to find a donor, you shouldn’t be giving out advice?

@BloodyloveGeorge

‘ Clymene The issue with using sperm from overseas is that your child can never get in touch with their donor when they're an adult. The law to remove anonymity in the U.K. was changed for a reason - because it's better for the children conceived using donor gametes.

Remember that the most important person in the process is the child, not the parent.’

That’s not true- perhaps if you haven’t experienced donor conception, or tried to find a donor, you shouldn’t be giving out advice?

This is in AIBU, so fair game for anyone to have an opinion

My two cents is that I would go for a pale skinned black donor or mixed black and Chinese/white.

‘ This is in AIBU, so fair game for anyone to have an opinion’

That’s not an opinion - it’s a statement of ‘facts’ which are wrong.

@BloodyloveGeorge

‘ Clymene The issue with using sperm from overseas is that your child can never get in touch with their donor when they're an adult. The law to remove anonymity in the U.K. was changed for a reason - because it's better for the children conceived using donor gametes.

Remember that the most important person in the process is the child, not the parent.’

That’s not true- perhaps if you haven’t experienced donor conception, or tried to find a donor, you shouldn’t be giving out advice?

Sorry, what's not true? That the most important person is the child?

That's a bit of a worrying stance to take. Surely all parents want the best for their children.

@BloodyloveGeorge

‘ This is in AIBU, so fair game for anyone to have an opinion’

That’s not an opinion - it’s a statement of ‘facts’ which are wrong.

My children are donor conceived and are teenagers. How many donor conceived children do you have and how old are they?

No like others have stated if they are white/black/mixed etc. couples they would like a similar donors, as it would ethnically be the same or similar as both and so we have the same requirements as others had stated. The children will know where they came from when they got older which is why them being related is also important to us.

Features are not something we worry about however coming from a similar background is something we would like us all to have similarities, not exacts.. but that’s all really. I have a half brother and a full sister and we were many years apart from our half brother however if it was back when we were younger I cannot imagine the questions that would have arisen, nonetheless we are prepared for any eventuality and I’m grateful to hear peoples opinions and journeys as it makes me feel a lot better about our journey going forward..

Thanks again everyone ☺️

I really recommend you get in touch with the donor conception network. Your children should know how they were conceived from the moment you are able to have those conversations with them. It shouldn't be something you do a big reveal on when they get older; it should be something they have always known about themselves.

The DC network has some very helpful resources to help you have those conversations. They also have a forum where you might find other mixed race couples having similar conversations.

Most Caribbean people are quite mixed though and genetics of additive genes are complex and random. I'd not overthink it and just go for someone who is from one of the Winward Islands or Jamaican.

One of my exs is St Lucian and his 9 siblings varied from white to black even though his parents had similar colouring.

Hi can you please give me some advice, I’ve been helping two women to conceive and they have recently sent me a photo of a positive test, they said they are going to pay for a early scan but when I asked about seeing a photo with a update after they have it done they suddenly said they aren’t now going to have a early scan done. There is so much going through my head that I don’t know where to turn

What's your issue? What was your end goal?

The end goal was to help them conceive with contact with child when 18, we drew up a friendly contract which stated they would give me updates and scan photos etc. They gave me the option of seeing a early scan photo just for peace of mind that it is happening and when I went to take them up on it they then said they aren’t now doing a early scan. But will update me on the 12 week scan

I can't imagine there's any way to prove they are indeed having an early scan. You will have to see if anything materialises at 12 weeks and if not, remind them of their contractual duties.

They are trying to say now that they don’t have to contractually give me a 12 week scan photo that I’m suppose to take their word that they are pregnant. I mean she hasn’t even been to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy