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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ex and children

67 replies

YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 18:08

Have names changed as this is very outting.
So DH has his 2 DC a week on and a week off- ex who doesn’t work has form for booking holidays during her week to have them but has never taken them- for context we always take them away with us.
DH has told her in future if it’s her week and she wants them to stay with us she has to run dates past him first due to work, childcare and commitments we may have. Today she has announced a holiday is book for May the day they return to her so we need to have them 3 weeks in a row. This date is also my birthday (bank holiday) and we have pre booked plans for something step children don’t like (Harry Potter) but is sold out so can’t even be added to booking. DH has told her that’s fine despite previous communication to discuss prior to booking.
One of my DC has ASD so the week without them he needs as one of them is very loud and now husband just says we won’t go on trip.
I am fuming though- why should we cancel something to suit his ex when she can’t have the curtesy to discuss plans in our time.
AIBU to take my boys and just have a day away as right now am so angry and fed up of her always effecting things

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 23/03/2022 18:27

As is said so many times in MN, you don’t have an “ex” problem, you have a DH problem.

He has the choice to say no, and he has chosen not to - don’t you change your plans, go on your trip.

HeckyPeck · 23/03/2022 18:31

YANBU at all. I would go on the trip and not change any other plans or do any of the extra work.

You're DH is an arse to expect you to cancel your birthday plans!

AndAsIfByMagic · 23/03/2022 18:31

While your husband is weak enough to agree she'll carry on doing it.

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 18:39

I have told him I can’t and won’t carry on like this previously and we are not her personal babysitters and she is welcome to do what she wants in her time without them but booking during our time is not on.
His DS is hard work, refuses to behave in restaurants or out so I am annoyed that a planned day will completely be change because he is spineless and have told him as much.
He is currently sulking in bed while I am up doing housework and sorting stuff while I have covid as I couldn’t bear to be near him

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 23/03/2022 18:42

Take your boys and enjoy your day out. Leave him to look after his DC as he was happy to agree to it. Does he have any redeeming features?

TurquoiseDragon · 23/03/2022 18:45

Sulking? Not very attractive behaviour.

Stick to your plans, take your DC out/away. Your DH needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, or he'll just do this again and again.

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 18:46

I will definitely still be going and stopping for dinner on route home I am just annoyed that there is always something and he knew full well that’s my birthday and the plans and once again can’t tell her no and I am just expected to just change around her schedule.
Also doesn’t help I have ASD so change causes huge stress and anxiety- which he knows

OP posts:
LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 18:52

Absolutely 100% stick to your plan. He can stay home with his child.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 18:52

I can understand why you’re so annoyed. But @ExtraOnionid right: it’s not an ex problem (for you); it’s a husband problem.

He’s the one that went back on what he said. Who disregarded your birthday plans and said yes to his ex’s demands. Who then said you should cancel your planned birthday trip as a result.

He’s communicating that you’re at the bottom of the pile and that’s not ok. Of course you’re angry.

As others have said, go on the trip anyway. Leave him with his children and go as planned. Is there anyone you’d give his ticket to?

The bigger problem is that he would rather upset and inconvenience you than stand up to his ex. I bet that causes a lot of problems in your life. Do you think counselling would help?

HeckyPeck · 23/03/2022 18:54

I'm glad you're still going. I hope your DH wakes up when he's the one missing out and stuck at home.

Make sure you don't do anything else extra either like cooking, cleaning or ferrying his kids around.

His choice, how consequences.

familyof4boys · 23/03/2022 18:57

Also- can’t you swap weeks for the holiday week to break up the 3 weeks? Eg if you’re meant to have weeks 1 and 3, and ex has 2 and 4, but she’s away week 2, then she does week 1, you do 2 and 3, and she has the kids back week 4?

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 18:59

I will be at work the rest of the week so won’t be doing anything extra- I say that as if he cleans up after them

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2022 18:59

So your family had plans when it was not your turn to take care of step-dc.
Ex has, on purpose, made plans when it is her turn to have the DC.

DH believes ex's plans trump yours and yours should be cancelled so you can do her a favour. Ask him to explain his train of thought here.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 19:04

@YeahIamdone2022

I will be at work the rest of the week so won’t be doing anything extra- I say that as if he cleans up after them
Well that’s something to stop doing for him then.
lunar1 · 23/03/2022 19:06

You aren't wrong, but he isn't really left with much choice is he. So often one parent ends up being the responsible one after a split while the other does what the fuck they like without a care in the world.

Maybe he needs to look at having them full time and her having access EOW.

Sadly you can't force someone to be a decent parent or have contact that they do want. But your DH could look at changing the pattern and claiming maintenance from her if he's the one expected to always be there.

He needs to be that person because their mum sure as hell isn't.

Georgeskitchen · 23/03/2022 19:09

Take them back a day early and leave them with her. Tell her she will have to arrange alternative care because you are busy

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 19:18

We don’t claim maintenance and in fact she claims and receives child benefit and universal credit for both children and keeps every single penny- we provide everything here, lunch boxes, clothes, coats, shoes.
I told him she should surely change her week and have them 2 weeks and we have them 2 weeks but he won’t.
I honestly can’t see my whole life evolving around his ex and kids and a spineless man who can’t stick to fair and clear boundaries

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 19:25

I'm gobsmacked he actually said "we just won't go" knowing that was your birthday celebration and didn't expect you to be bothered by that. If he felt he had to say yes he could have suggested asking family to babysit or something. He's showing a total disregard for you.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 19:29

@aSofaNearYou

I'm gobsmacked he actually said "we just won't go" knowing that was your birthday celebration and didn't expect you to be bothered by that. If he felt he had to say yes he could have suggested asking family to babysit or something. He's showing a total disregard for you.
Exactly. He could have done all sorts of things. But he decided @YeahIamdone2022‘s birthday didn’t matter.
Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 19:33

I am annoyed it’s my birthday and the total disregard for plans and my children. But also for our family life that this woman has 2-3 holidays a year has never once taken the children, never discusses dates always claiming it a surprise, someone else book etc and we just have to accommodate regardless of plans and he doesn’t have the ability to tell her no.
He turns it round saying I am saying he can’t have his kids- which isn’t the case we have them half the time but i won’t have my home disrupted to be her personal holiday club

OP posts:
G5000 · 23/03/2022 19:36

but he isn't really left with much choice is he

He could say no, ex, you can't go as you have the DC and we have other plans, so can't swap.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2022 19:38

Do you have children together or are your DC his step kids?

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 19:41

My DC are my children we don’t have children together- I do all there childcare and am helped by my parents as DC with additional needs won’t go to childcare he doesn’t do any of my childcare

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 23/03/2022 19:45

They are his kids and they are going to be his priority over your birthday or an outing. Do your kids spend half their time with their dad? I doubt you would refuse to allow them home if their dad said he was going away.

What message does it send to kids when mom, dad and step parents are arguing about how no one wants them but someone has to take them.

Duchess379 · 23/03/2022 20:01

@Midlifemusings

They are his kids and they are going to be his priority over your birthday or an outing. Do your kids spend half their time with their dad? I doubt you would refuse to allow them home if their dad said he was going away.

What message does it send to kids when mom, dad and step parents are arguing about how no one wants them but someone has to take them.

But I bet their mum celebrates her birthday without her children. Why should the step mum be guilted into caring for them?

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