DH ex and children

[YeahIamdone2022]

Have names changed as this is very outting.
So DH has his 2 DC a week on and a week off- ex who doesn’t work has form for booking holidays during her week to have them but has never taken them- for context we always take them away with us.
DH has told her in future if it’s her week and she wants them to stay with us she has to run dates past him first due to work, childcare and commitments we may have. Today she has announced a holiday is book for May the day they return to her so we need to have them 3 weeks in a row. This date is also my birthday (bank holiday) and we have pre booked plans for something step children don’t like (Harry Potter) but is sold out so can’t even be added to booking. DH has told her that’s fine despite previous communication to discuss prior to booking.
One of my DC has ASD so the week without them he needs as one of them is very loud and now husband just says we won’t go on trip.
I am fuming though- why should we cancel something to suit his ex when she can’t have the curtesy to discuss plans in our time.
AIBU to take my boys and just have a day away as right now am so angry and fed up of her always effecting things

and reading your latest update op is what you have to think is this could potentially go on for the next how many years , depending on their ages , , my exs son all those years ago was only 8 and i knew even after only 2 years i wasnt going to be able to handle years of feeling the way i did .

not trying to be a debbie downer , but i honestly look back at that time and its one of my biggest regrets , the fact i rushed into moving in with him when i should have waited at least a year to get the measure of things , but he was pushing for me to move up as i lived nr london and he said the travel was too much , even though i traveled upto him frequently , but also the fact that once id chucked my job in , got a new one , my mum a widow decided to sell the house and move up nr us as she was getting on a bit , by the time i realised it was hopeless and i couldnt stand him anymore it was too late to move back , in two yrs prices had gone up , id never have been able to move back and rent there on my own , plus id have felt terrible for my mum who moved up to be nearer to me which i was glad about .
and the fact is i cant get any of it back , not where i used to live ,that i still miss so very much , id go back tomorrow if i had the money to and not the wasted two years of which i was miserable more often than not

i honestly wouldnt waste too long hoping this situation you have will change itself , life is too short to spend years in unhappiness if you dont need too and you dont , with no children together leaving him shouldnt be too hard if needs come to it

@Hollywolly1

Your husband seems to be a good father and you knew when you met him he had children, I'm saying this in general not to you but what do women expect when they are involved with a parent,they don't want to be disappointing them

He also doesn’t want to be cleaning up after them or the boring bits of parenting (by the OP’s account).

The bars are set low for parents but weirdly high for stepparents. He’s brilliant dad for not standing up to his ex. She’s fine for shirking her responsibilities. But if the OP wants to actually do what she’s planned for her birthday on a non contact week, she ‘knew he had kids when she met him’ 🙄.

Why did you ever decide it was a good idea for your ASD child who needs a break from the noisy one, to be subjected to all this chopping and changing in the first place?!
My second husband and I delayed living together 3 years when we personally were ready to, because it’s not always right for children to have their homes mixed.
Move him out and date.

This is uncannily similar: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4496413-He-has-spoiled-my-birthday-to-accommodate-his-ex

OP, if you’re a different poster, you might want to read the responses on that thread.

there must be a ton of men like that. A good friend of mine has the same - mum just books herself child-free holidays whenever she wants and dad rolls over, and expects my friend to change and cancel all her plans. She has cancelled all kind of holidays, celebrations, days out with her own small children. Any complaints and dad makes it look like she's the unreasonable one, 'You're saying I can't see my children!?!'

@Hollywolly1

Your husband seems to be a good father and you knew when you met him he had children, I'm saying this in general not to you but what do women expect when they are involved with a parent,they don't want to be disappointing them

He's not a good father.

And his ex isn't a good mother.

The kids have a routine where they know they spend alternate weeks with each parent.

Screwing around with this routine is not good parenting. It leads to children who don't know whether they are coming or going, so they suffer insecurity and mental health problems.

Your DH's ex is a twat. Your DH is also a twat.

It's not just you that's being messed around by them - it's your own kids too. It's bloody awful that your DH said 'We just won't go' when you had plans to do something with them for your birthday. I know people will say 'they're his children, of course he has to put them first' but this isn't even about his relationship with his children - it's about his ex. He could have said 'Sorry, but we've told you many times before that you need to check this stuff first before you book things. It's your week, so we've made plans. You need to either move your holiday or take the kids with you.'

If people are making excuses for him because 'he must put his children first' then they're missing the point that what he is actually expecting is for you to put his children first, and your own children second. And that's not on.

Your DH doesn't do any childcare for your children, but he expects you to revolve your life around his ex's whims. And now HE is the one who is sulking? I genuinely think you and your kids would be better off without him.

Either way, definitely take your kids away on your own for your birthday, and have a bloody lovely time. It's not as if your stepkids are even missing out, given that the planned trip is something they're not interested in anyway.

Why on earth does your DH allow this?

One of two separated parents can’t just book stuff in their week to have the kids, and assume the other will step in. Or they shouldn’t be able to!

Sounds like he has them way more than half the time if she doesn’t even ask for a swap.

Shouldn’t it be from her: “hi exh, I’d like to book a week away in the week of x May, could you do a swap for y week please?” . And then accept his answer if he says not /wait for a yes before booking.

Is your relationship with him making you happy? The whole relationship and everything it brings. Not apart from this, this, this, this and this...

If it was possible to put your happiness into a percentage, what would it be and is that enough for you?

I do feel your H’s pain a bit as my exh is crap at sticking to plans and will try to flake out of stuff. Normally due to “work” (bad time management) rather than holidays tbh.

I try to be really firm with him as it’s not on to prevent the other party being able to make plans. I wouldn’t mind having the kids even more than I already do as a rule but not last minute changes. (But he likes to have lots of time allocated to him on paper, obviously )

Just have to say to him “no, x that’s too short notice” and be firm about it.

I don’t have a new partner to work around so that makes it easier - but it’s sort of a deliberate choice but I don’t need an added complication in the mix of my life - full time work and parenting. Your exh needed to weigh up the fact that you would have needs of your own before getting into a new relationship with you imo

Sorry not your exh, your H!

I feel for you but I am of the view that the kids should come first and I think your dh is unfortunately right to pick up the slack from his feckless ex. When the alternative is risking his child hearing a fight between his parents about neither wanting to have him, I think he has made the right choice.

Lots of parents have their kids with them 24/7 anyway, time off is not always part of parenting, though I know if can become so after divorce. Perhaps you could get a babysitter and ask her to pay? And yes to reiterating that she must not do this.

It has been discussed around 10 times in the last 5 years and because he always does what she says she does it over and over because she knows she can.
I refuse to live my life beholden to his ex wife’s holidays and have told him as much

DH’s ex used to do this. In the end, DH just had to say no if it didn’t suit us. We weren’t arseholes about it, don’t get me wrong. If she gave sufficient notice that we needed to have the kids so she could go away, fine. 24 hours notice, the chances are it would be a no as we’d have things planned.

My DC are my children we don’t have children together- I do all there childcare and am helped by my parents as DC with additional needs won’t go to childcare he doesn’t do any of my childcare

that makes it a lot easier for you to tell him to fuck off into the great blue yonder, surely? You don't want your life to be like this, so don't let it.

Prioritise your own kids, not your husbands, and don’t accept him conveniently sulking while you do chores. Why parent his kids for him when he doesn’t bother with yours? Sounds like a tedious life.

I would be seriously considering that if I split from my spineless husband, I would never have to deal with this shit again.