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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ex and children

67 replies

YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 18:08

Have names changed as this is very outting.
So DH has his 2 DC a week on and a week off- ex who doesn’t work has form for booking holidays during her week to have them but has never taken them- for context we always take them away with us.
DH has told her in future if it’s her week and she wants them to stay with us she has to run dates past him first due to work, childcare and commitments we may have. Today she has announced a holiday is book for May the day they return to her so we need to have them 3 weeks in a row. This date is also my birthday (bank holiday) and we have pre booked plans for something step children don’t like (Harry Potter) but is sold out so can’t even be added to booking. DH has told her that’s fine despite previous communication to discuss prior to booking.
One of my DC has ASD so the week without them he needs as one of them is very loud and now husband just says we won’t go on trip.
I am fuming though- why should we cancel something to suit his ex when she can’t have the curtesy to discuss plans in our time.
AIBU to take my boys and just have a day away as right now am so angry and fed up of her always effecting things

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 20:06

I would be taking your dc away for the whole week. Once it impacts on him/his job he may rethink his doormat status.

Szyz2020 · 23/03/2022 20:08

Oh my. If you don’t have shared children, I would honestly suggest you leave. Your kids suffer when his are around. You do all the childcare and your needs come last. And his ex books holidays in her week, without her own kids? What a nasty person she is.

GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 20:11

@Midlifemusings

They are his kids and they are going to be his priority over your birthday or an outing. Do your kids spend half their time with their dad? I doubt you would refuse to allow them home if their dad said he was going away.

What message does it send to kids when mom, dad and step parents are arguing about how no one wants them but someone has to take them.

This logic is ridiculous. If it were a nuclear family, no one would think anything of prioritising a parent’s birthday or whatever. But in a stepfamily, the kids must always be the only priority. Even when they are supposed to be with their other parent. A stepmother should just know her place and accept that her husband’s ex gets to determine whether she can do what she planned for her birthday. 🙄
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 20:12

The Brucey Bonus of throwing my exh out was not having to deal with similar crap op. His ex went batshit that we were taking my 3 dc away on a UK holiday my dm had paid for without dsd... But....
We couldn't take dsd as it wasn't fair she had fun and her dm wasn't there to see her.. We went anyway and she rang every night. First time ever dsd had wanted to ring.
She was 3..

BrightonBunny · 23/03/2022 20:16

Is this relationship working for you? I can see how it suits him, but not so sure your needs are being met Sad

Not saying LTB but definitely start prioritising yourself and your DC, and leave him to deal with this cock up.

I would probably fuck off for a week and leave him to it but that's probably why I am single

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 20:21

I can’t go away for the week as the following week me and my DC are in another country for a few days for a family wedding. DH and step children are not coming as DH couldn’t get the time off work and wasn’t great notice so he chose not to come and I can’t afford to go away 2 weeks in a row and I have work full time (NHS so rotas in advance)

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 23/03/2022 20:35

@GahAndTheBear

In a nuclear family, parents don't send their kids away every time they have an occasion and they don't say we just had them for a week so we don't want them again this week.

In a nuclear family the kids are part of the family and it isn't a case of uggh who has to take them this week. Or we have a birthday this week so someone send the kids away for the week so they aren't around when we have our birthday.

In a nuclear family you might get a sitter for a night out but you feel repsonsible for your kids all the time - you don't only see yourself as a parent every other week and you get to not be a parent half the time.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 20:42

[quote Midlifemusings]@GahAndTheBear

In a nuclear family, parents don't send their kids away every time they have an occasion and they don't say we just had them for a week so we don't want them again this week.

In a nuclear family the kids are part of the family and it isn't a case of uggh who has to take them this week. Or we have a birthday this week so someone send the kids away for the week so they aren't around when we have our birthday.

In a nuclear family you might get a sitter for a night out but you feel repsonsible for your kids all the time - you don't only see yourself as a parent every other week and you get to not be a parent half the time.[/quote]
In a nuclear family a decent husband wouldn't just say "we won't go" on his wife's birthday trip, either.

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 20:43

I am not ‘sending’ them away for a week the palms were made around the schedule we have had for the last 5 years that this is the week with there mother.
In a nuclear family if you made plans (ie booked a child free holiday) you would surely arrange childcare prior to booking said holiday as we have asked her to do on numerous occasions and she never does as she could easily go the week before or after when it’s her week not to have them.
As a nuclear family I wouldn’t know for example I have childcare on Friday so book everything for Saturday and expect others to change to suit me as it’s my child but because I am a step parent I am expected to change and accommodate all her demands despite the effect on my like and my children?

OP posts:
GahAndTheBear · 23/03/2022 20:52

[quote Midlifemusings]@GahAndTheBear

In a nuclear family, parents don't send their kids away every time they have an occasion and they don't say we just had them for a week so we don't want them again this week.

In a nuclear family the kids are part of the family and it isn't a case of uggh who has to take them this week. Or we have a birthday this week so someone send the kids away for the week so they aren't around when we have our birthday.

In a nuclear family you might get a sitter for a night out but you feel repsonsible for your kids all the time - you don't only see yourself as a parent every other week and you get to not be a parent half the time.[/quote]
It’s not ‘sending the kids away’ though. Is it?

The kids need to spend time with both their parents. So, of course, people arrange things for when it’s not their contact time. Both nice things, like birthday trips, but also (and more commonly) boring or crap things. People tend to do the crap activities while the stepkids aren’t there rather than dragging them along - and try to make their contact time full of more enjoyable stuff.

It’s fine to be annoyed if the other parent decides to mess with the contact schedule for no good reason. It’s not an emergency situation; the mother simply has decided she’d rather go on holiday so she’s not going to see her kids for 3 weeks. And expects everyone else to rearrange their plans to accommodate that. She didn’t even check first; just announced what was happening.

Incidentally, it’s very common for nuclear families to ship the kids off to grandparents or aunts/uncles every time there’s an event or occasion. Of course it is. No one gets all weird and insists that it means the kids aren’t ‘part of the family’.

Another crucial difference is that the OP doesn’t see herself as her SC’s parent any of the time. Because she isn’t.

Midlifemusings · 23/03/2022 20:55

The reality is that sometimes plans change when you have kids. Childcare falls through, a kid gets sick. Sometimes parents have to not be able to do what they wanted to do because they have kids.

Let's say it is your DHs burthday and he wants a week away. Your kids are supposed to be at their dads. Then he bails but your husband says that he and his birthday need to come before the kids so you better just drop them off at dads or find somewhere to send them because that is his birthday weekend and no way are your kids going to inconvenience your plans. Where would you send the kids to be sure you don't inconvenience your DH and your birthday plans?

Single parents and nuclear family parents have to adjust and readjust all the time for the sake of the kids. I don't think that if you remarry that means you no longer have to do that because the new step parent has to be prioritized above your kids. The kids didn't choose to be in a house where they are the inconvenience.

liveforsummer · 23/03/2022 20:57

Personally as a mum I'd never turn down time with my dc (even though I'm the one that has them all but 4 nights a month anyway) and I'd respect a man who does the same, especially given he isn't the primary carer. He probably wants them as much as possible, however there's nothing wrong with you going without them to the trip with your dc. I hope you enjoy it

Midlifemusings · 23/03/2022 21:00

@GahAndTheBear

Of course nuclear families arrange for their kids to visit grandparents etc but if those plans fall though...then they had to change their plans and take the kids back. If you are sending your kids to grandmas to go away to celebrate your DH's birthday and then grandma says she can't babysit anymore - do you just go anyways because DH's birthday is a higher priority or do you feel a responsibility to your kids and change your plans. If you do prioritize the birthday over the kids - where do you send the kids if your planned childcare fell through.

Yes, it is frustrating that the mom isn't being responsible but dad is still a parent even if the mother is irresponsible and not holding up her end of the bargain. Unfortunately sometimes plans change, Flaky parents happen all the time where a parent bails on visitation - in those cases, the other parent has to still parent. It sucks but that is the reality of parenting.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 21:01

@Midlifemusings you are ignoring so many elements that make this a dick move. Firstly, the mum having no good reason to not have them at her arranged time. And then there's the fact that her husband hasn't even TRIED to organise childcare, or even acted apologetic, he's just unilaterally said "they" won't bother going.

This isn't a case of him trying his best to organise something so his wife's birthday can be celebrated and it just not being possible, like you are describing.

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 21:07

I do find the thought odd that because there own mother does want she wants my whole life should be on hold and change to suit her whenever she decides and I should just accept that as my life.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 21:08

She is paying for her trips with cash she should be raising her dc with.

chaosrabbitland · 23/03/2022 21:14

@YeahIamdone2022

I am annoyed it’s my birthday and the total disregard for plans and my children. But also for our family life that this woman has 2-3 holidays a year has never once taken the children, never discusses dates always claiming it a surprise, someone else book etc and we just have to accommodate regardless of plans and he doesn’t have the ability to tell her no. He turns it round saying I am saying he can’t have his kids- which isn’t the case we have them half the time but i won’t have my home disrupted to be her personal holiday club
i lived with someone for 2 years a lot like this , couldnt say anything about his ex pisstaking without being accused of making out i didnt want his son there or saying he couldnt have him , yet he would bloody moan frequently about it himself though , just couldnt stand upto her , i packed up and moved out , it was a relief to be free of it all ,

your husband is taking the mickey as much as his ex is and your the one caught in the middle of it , if your having them more often than every other week than its well more than half the time

im aware its easy to say you might need to rethink your relationship and if you see it having a future ,even a tad bit dramatic , but if things carry on in this vein , thats what you might need to consider doing , in the long one it will just grind you down with resentment and you wont respect him anymore because as you have already said the word spinless , if you continue to see him in that light it will colour your whole relationship , i felt the same , couldnt even fancy going to bed with him anymore , i just saw him in a whole different way the longer it went on sadly

liveforsummer · 23/03/2022 21:14

You don't need to change your life at all. Your du might but you do not.

eldora · 23/03/2022 21:18

Ugh, he’s a twat.

Dump him and save your kids from him.

RantyAunty · 23/03/2022 21:24

Does your DH do any of the care for his DC or is that your job?

BeHappy91818 · 23/03/2022 21:40

I’d honestly leave him. No way in hell would I put up with this shit.

My partner has a daughter and he would never agree to have her on a day we already had proper plans made just so her mum can do whatever she wants.

You have no DC together. Just leave.

Original poster
YeahIamdone2022 · 23/03/2022 21:53

Despite plans we have always accommodated if she is ill, hospital appointments, drs, events such as friends parties however if we have something on our days we sort children and find childcare for all or we don’t go. I had major surgery 3 years ago and has to go alone as she wouldn’t swap 1 day (the day of the op) as it was day 7 of there time with us.
Her DH has his kids EOW so I find it comical they book for our weekend without them as they have his children on the weekend of having hers so he also purposely books to miss his time.
I suppose reading this shows I am done doing this, constantly having to change, be let down and come behind his ex in priority. I know his kids come first and hence we have them 50/50 but this is now to much

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 23/03/2022 22:05

As some others have said, I don't think this is an ex issue it's a DH issue. The way he's handled this is just awful and shows a complete disregard for you and your children. Emergencies are one thing, but spoiling your trip because of something that could and should have been pre-discussed and pre-arranged is not.

You can't be a 2nd class citizen in your own home. He need to sort out his co-parenting with his ex so plans are agreed in the way normal adults would.

Hollywolly1 · 23/03/2022 22:17

Your husband seems to be a good father and you knew when you met him he had children, I'm saying this in general not to you but what do women expect when they are involved with a parent,they don't want to be disappointing them

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 22:22

@Hollywolly1

Your husband seems to be a good father and you knew when you met him he had children, I'm saying this in general not to you but what do women expect when they are involved with a parent,they don't want to be disappointing them
Dear Lord.
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