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Original poster

Settling a family argument- 2nd/3rd etc weddings

68 replies

Wiggleit12 · 23/03/2022 09:00

Not sure if this is the right place to post but,

Currently in a to-do with my Brother, SIL to be and my parents over the “size” of their wedding. Not due to get married until 2024 so just in the planning stages. It’s 2nd wedding for them both, both late 30s have children from previous relationships who all get on well for what it’s worth.

B and SIL not sure what they’d like to do yet but thinking abroad or largeish wedding somewhere local. I’m of the opinion, as are they that it’s their money and their choice so they can do what they like.

My parents are quite old school (don’t know if this makes a difference to the situation) and seem to have this idea that it’s a 2nd wedding so they “shouldn’t make a fuss”.

I’ve also spoken to a few work colleagues and friends parents who have said something similar. Is there some universally accepted suggestion that you should be almost embarrassed that your first marriage failed and you shouldn’t make a big deal out of any subsequent marriages?

OP posts:
Ikeameatballs · 23/03/2022 09:02

I think that’s a really old fashioned attitude although I have seen similar comments on here before.

Ops1 · 23/03/2022 09:04

Their money their choice. Marriages break down people get new partners. I think most people acknowledge that as long as the people are happy who cares. I love a wedding. All my friends are now married. Awaiting the weddings of family members now in their 20s so could be waiting a while so if I got invited to a big 'second marriage' wedding id wish them well and have a blast!

Aimee1987 · 23/03/2022 09:06

I'm with you, their money let them do as they like.
For what its worth my DP has been married before but I have not however we are beginning to think about weddings and hes the one who likes the idea of the big Irish wedding more then me.
I dont think theres any problem with having a big wedding even if it's your second

DontbesuchanarseGlenda · 23/03/2022 09:08

If they're paying then they can do whatever they please. Everyone else can attend or not, as they please. Anyone who isn't getting married and/or paying should keep their opinions to themselves or find they aren't involved in any wedding conversations at all, which is a shame, it should be a happy family time.

Wiredforsound · 23/03/2022 09:11

I know two people (both on second marriage and in their late 50s) who are having a huge wedding because they’re so delighted to have found each other and want to share that joy with all their family and friends. And good for them. They deserve every happiness.

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/03/2022 09:12

Their money. Their choice. No one else's.

Ragwort · 23/03/2022 09:13

I do secretly cringe at big second/third weddings .... we went to one which was really OTT and it was the bride's third wedding (over 50 in a big white dress)....... obviously I would never say anything but it's not what I would choose to do.

I have been married twice, my second wedding was very small - three guests at the register plus lunch afterwards.

DaffodilDandilion · 23/03/2022 09:13

That is so lovely Wired.

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/03/2022 09:16

I wouldn’t want anyone at my wedding who thought they had a right to an opinion on the size or style of it. If I was your brother, I’d be telling your parents that if they’re not bothered about second weddings, they needn’t come - after all, they’ve already been to the one they consider important.

ChampagneLassie · 23/03/2022 09:16

Your parents sound quite mean. Why not have a chat with them about it to save your Brother the hurt. They're not being asked to pay for it, so what's their issue? Life is long, marriages breakdown and people find love and happiness again - why shoukd t they celebrate that. I had a small 1st wedding, iwas young and nervous and poor. Now I'm confident and have money if I get married again I'd love to have a big celebration.

LibraryFairy · 23/03/2022 09:18

The thinking behind a smaller 2nd wedding for me wasn't about not celebrating as much or not being as excited, but more about having different priorities for the money and our time and energy.
By the time of my 2nd wedding, now-DH and I already had 2 children and a house and we just couldn't justify a huge blow-out event (and couldn't spare the time and effort for it either). We just wanted to be married, celebrate with a small group of loved ones and move on with our family life.

Having said all that, if someone does have the money and energy and time to plan a huge shindig then why not? Good for them!

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/03/2022 09:18

I wouldn’t spend a lot of money on any wedding, first or not.
Their money, their choice, though.
Are they expecting guests to pay if it’s overseas?

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 09:20

They can do what they want but shouldn't expect extravagant presents or lots of financial help IMO.

ChicCroissant · 23/03/2022 09:20

I'm probably of the same era as your parents and I do get what they mean - bear in mind that in our day, the options for a wedding were Church or Registry Office only, and you couldn't marry in Church if you were divorced. So that meant a Registry Office wedding which often had very limited numbers due to the size of the room. So it may not always have been the couple's choice to have a small wedding.

NewBrownMouse · 23/03/2022 09:21

The person paying makes the choice.
Interestingly all the second marriages I have attended recently have actually been bigger/more expensive than the first wedding of the person I know from the couple in each case and I've heard a few comments about this time they've had the wedding they really wanted possibly as the result of more disposable income.

Sofadog · 23/03/2022 09:22

My mother has similar ideas, she’s made comments before about specific types of wedding dresses being more suited to a ‘second wedding’ as in dresses that are more subtle and less bride. She’s very old fashioned so it don’t know if that has influenced her views.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2022 09:27

The thinking behind a smaller 2nd wedding for me wasn't about not celebrating as much or not being as excited, but more about having different priorities for the money and our time and energy.

Same here. DH first wedding was a massive white wedding, mine was medium sized but quite weddingy. Our wedding was very small and not expensive, done with a couple of months notice and exactly what we wanted, wouldn’t have changed a thing. We were in the process of buying a house, he had two DC, we wanted one together and we just wanted to be married. Friends were delighted for us and foisted hen and stag dos on us as excuses for get togethers and we had a picnic with friends after our honeymoon but we wouldn’t have planned any of that. We were older, had other financial priorities, but weren’t embarrassed to be having a wedding, it was what suited our circumstances.

One of my SIL was on her third when she married my brother and it was a hell of a display but they’re still together and it’s going okay.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 09:27

I find it odd when parents/wider family think they have a say in anyone’s wedding. Totally up to them. I don’t find it odd for people to have a big second wedding.

I think if someone got the 3rd/4th wedding I’d be sceptical….but more about the actual marriages than the wedding itself.

bridgetreilly · 23/03/2022 09:28

I don’t think it’s so much about making a fuss but what they are expecting from other people. Their friends and families have already attended one wedding, given presents, bought outfits, paid for travel and accommodation. I think that asking the same people to do that again, especially for an overseas wrdding, is a bit rude, tbh.

Original poster
Wiggleit12 · 23/03/2022 09:30

I’m intrigued about the money comments, so the reason this has turned into a bit of a debate is because my parents, who are quite well off, have said they’ll pay for parts of it but on the understanding it’s a small event, for reference this isnt (from speaking to them) because they can only afford to contribute towards a smaller event, but because they want to dictate the set up.

There is some history of my mother particularly being a bit toxic when it comes to her money, but we’ve always been firm with her and if she says I’ll pay, but only if you do it like this, we all tell her “no thank you I’ll pay for it myself”, but that’s a different issue.

So my brother is in a bit of a mess but frankly this is just typical of my very controlling mother, who wants to be seen to be involved but only by her own standards. So he feels a bit rude rejecting my parents offer but equally doesn’t want to plan their day to my mothers request

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 09:33

People paying make the choice.

FWIW, my DB asked his first wife to marry him but we were estranged from him then (due to her) so didn't go to the wedding.

Second time around he was in love, we all got on with the bride so all invited. His first wife was a mistake he now says.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 09:34

@Wiggleit12

I’m intrigued about the money comments, so the reason this has turned into a bit of a debate is because my parents, who are quite well off, have said they’ll pay for parts of it but on the understanding it’s a small event, for reference this isnt (from speaking to them) because they can only afford to contribute towards a smaller event, but because they want to dictate the set up.

There is some history of my mother particularly being a bit toxic when it comes to her money, but we’ve always been firm with her and if she says I’ll pay, but only if you do it like this, we all tell her “no thank you I’ll pay for it myself”, but that’s a different issue.

So my brother is in a bit of a mess but frankly this is just typical of my very controlling mother, who wants to be seen to be involved but only by her own standards. So he feels a bit rude rejecting my parents offer but equally doesn’t want to plan their day to my mothers request

@Wiggleit12 - I'd advise your DB not to accept any money towards this and have his own wedding be in larger etc than his mum wants.
Gimlisaxe · 23/03/2022 09:37

When I get married again it will be a tiny wedding, both myself and DP have been married before, both had a large one, but things are different for us both now and neither want that.

But from your last comment its very different from I and probably a lot of people are thinking,

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 09:38

@Wiggleit12 what’s horribly controlling mother. If I was your DB I’d do the biggest wedding anyone had ever seen. If I were you I’d just be there to support him and be enthusiastic to make up for your mums deficits.

SeasonFinale · 23/03/2022 09:39

Their money their choice here too and with the update I definitely wouldn't take any money from his DM not even if she changes her mind and makes it no strings attached because it will be brought up some time later I suspect of he does.