Settling a family argument- 2nd/3rd etc weddings

[Wiggleit12]

Not sure if this is the right place to post but,

Currently in a to-do with my Brother, SIL to be and my parents over the “size” of their wedding. Not due to get married until 2024 so just in the planning stages. It’s 2nd wedding for them both, both late 30s have children from previous relationships who all get on well for what it’s worth.

B and SIL not sure what they’d like to do yet but thinking abroad or largeish wedding somewhere local. I’m of the opinion, as are they that it’s their money and their choice so they can do what they like.

My parents are quite old school (don’t know if this makes a difference to the situation) and seem to have this idea that it’s a 2nd wedding so they “shouldn’t make a fuss”.

I’ve also spoken to a few work colleagues and friends parents who have said something similar. Is there some universally accepted suggestion that you should be almost embarrassed that your first marriage failed and you shouldn’t make a big deal out of any subsequent marriages?

It’s their wedding so it’s their choice.

If wealthy parents are contributing then contribute and let couple have the wedding they want, it’s really mean to offer to contribute and then think you have a say in the day.

It’s totally different if money is accepted and then a foreign wedding is organise and parents can’t/won’t go to.

May be easier to pay for wedding themselves and choose their own day.

@Thewindwhispers that made me chuckle, I don’t think anyone will get up and shout “but you said that last time!” 😂

To be honest I think if you’re a guest at a wedding then you’re only job is to attend and be supportive and have a nice time, I know plenty of couples who (possibly a bit cynically) I’ve attended the first wedding for and they seemed madly in love then separated shortly after, or they don’t seem very compatible but they’ve stayed together. But really why someone is getting married or how they want to do it isn’t anyone else’s business.

I don’t think I agree with @AskingforaBaskin, if you don’t want to be supportive to that person at that time because of a choice they’ve made previously then I probably wouldn’t attend their 2nd wedding at all.

Your brothers wedding is up to him and his fiancée. Nothing to do with your parents. For the record l think people can celebrate weddings in ways they see fit and it’s not up to others

Conversely my mother wants us to go bigger but doesn’t want to contribute a penny. I’m not saying she has to contribute but she definitely shouldn’t be trying to call the shots!

I think people should celebrate getting married in whatever way they so desire, whether it's their 1st or 10th wedding.

I mean I probably wouldn’t attend a second third forth or whatever wedding unless it was my own child’s.

I mean you can’t expect people to keep buying new outfits and presents because you found another new love.

Then again my first and so far only wedding was at the registry office anyway so I don’t get the need for the big deal huge fuss even more so the couple that already have children and own a house by that stage it’s just tying up lose ends legally really.

@AskingforaBaskin

Very much their money their choice.

But I wouldn't spend loads to attend a 2nd wedding if I'd attended the first.
That part would be the cheeky bit for me. Imagine asking people to fork out again so they can see you make the same promises to someone else.

Not all second weddings are because the first one failed. My family were over the moon when I had my second wedding after being widowed young

[quote Wiggleit12]@Thewindwhispers that made me chuckle, I don’t think anyone will get up and shout “but you said that last time!” 😂

To be honest I think if you’re a guest at a wedding then you’re only job is to attend and be supportive and have a nice time, I know plenty of couples who (possibly a bit cynically) I’ve attended the first wedding for and they seemed madly in love then separated shortly after, or they don’t seem very compatible but they’ve stayed together. But really why someone is getting married or how they want to do it isn’t anyone else’s business.

I don’t think I agree with @AskingforaBaskin, if you don’t want to be supportive to that person at that time because of a choice they’ve made previously then I probably wouldn’t attend their 2nd wedding at all.[/quote]
You can be supportive of the marriage and their life together without having to fork money out for the party.

@Wiggleit12

I’m intrigued about the money comments, so the reason this has turned into a bit of a debate is because my parents, who are quite well off, have said they’ll pay for parts of it but on the understanding it’s a small event, for reference this isnt (from speaking to them) because they can only afford to contribute towards a smaller event, but because they want to dictate the set up.

There is some history of my mother particularly being a bit toxic when it comes to her money, but we’ve always been firm with her and if she says I’ll pay, but only if you do it like this, we all tell her “no thank you I’ll pay for it myself”, but that’s a different issue.

So my brother is in a bit of a mess but frankly this is just typical of my very controlling mother, who wants to be seen to be involved but only by her own standards. So he feels a bit rude rejecting my parents offer but equally doesn’t want to plan their day to my mothers request

I would be refusing the offer and making it clear that their only involvement will be as guests. It’s completely manipulative to wave a chequebook in order to force someone into a decision.

@Horst

I mean I probably wouldn’t attend a second third forth or whatever wedding unless it was my own child’s.

I mean you can’t expect people to keep buying new outfits and presents because you found another new love.

Then again my first and so far only wedding was at the registry office anyway so I don’t get the need for the big deal huge fuss even more so the couple that already have children and own a house by that stage it’s just tying up lose ends legally really.

Really? That's a bit sad. You don't have to buy a new outfit or presents. But not going is a bit sad.

The nerve of them. I will be my DFiance's second wife. His family I'm sure will be delighted to flex their muscles of toxicity and start making snide remarks about second marriages and . We've already agreed that there will be no cajoling them to attend or allowing them to dictate a single thing. Each one of them is getting a single "here is the date and venue, hope you can make it, no problem if you can't" invitation and no other discussion.

I find attending the second wedding of a couple who cheated on their spouses and got together and then have to throw a HUGE wedding to SHOW HOW MUCH IN LOVE THEY ARE abit odd. especially in the vows - forsaking all others etc

I think second time around you should realise how much of a waste of money a large wedding is and keep it smaller, not just for the finance but being able to pick who you really want to have attend rather than those you feel obliged to invite.

@Wiggleit12

I’m intrigued about the money comments, so the reason this has turned into a bit of a debate is because my parents, who are quite well off, have said they’ll pay for parts of it but on the understanding it’s a small event, for reference this isnt (from speaking to them) because they can only afford to contribute towards a smaller event, but because they want to dictate the set up.

There is some history of my mother particularly being a bit toxic when it comes to her money, but we’ve always been firm with her and if she says I’ll pay, but only if you do it like this, we all tell her “no thank you I’ll pay for it myself”, but that’s a different issue.

So my brother is in a bit of a mess but frankly this is just typical of my very controlling mother, who wants to be seen to be involved but only by her own standards. So he feels a bit rude rejecting my parents offer but equally doesn’t want to plan their day to my mothers request

Ok this is making sense now.

Nah he should tell mum to jog on and let him live his life. Trying to control people with conditional "gifts" like this is abhorrent. I've been to various 1st and 2nd weddings (no 3rds yet) and they've all been very varied in size and style without any particular trend to or prevalence between 1sts and 2nds. But lots of them have been affected by the machinations of an overbearing mother or father of one or other of the happy couple and the best occasions are the ones where such machinations were roundly rejected.

Up to them .
Parents shouldn't try and control adult children over anything.
Fwiw, some of the best weddings I have been to are second weddings.

I do think making a big fuss over a second wedding is ridiculous.

I agree, their money, their choice. However I don't think they should expect family/friends to incur huge costs for hen/stag dos, gifts etc if they've spent lots of money on them for their first weddings. Just my opinion.

I'd rather go to a big second wedding than attend a so-called vow renewal.

I went to a second wedding when the bride had had a very small first wedding. I wondered if there were some things this time round that she'd felt sad about not having first time, and was glad she could do them now if that was the case. Never occurred to me she shouldn't have had a big wedding.

My mother told me (the week before my 2nd wedding) that second weddings don't count!