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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Settling a family argument- 2nd/3rd etc weddings

68 replies

Wiggleit12 · 23/03/2022 09:00

Not sure if this is the right place to post but,

Currently in a to-do with my Brother, SIL to be and my parents over the “size” of their wedding. Not due to get married until 2024 so just in the planning stages. It’s 2nd wedding for them both, both late 30s have children from previous relationships who all get on well for what it’s worth.

B and SIL not sure what they’d like to do yet but thinking abroad or largeish wedding somewhere local. I’m of the opinion, as are they that it’s their money and their choice so they can do what they like.

My parents are quite old school (don’t know if this makes a difference to the situation) and seem to have this idea that it’s a 2nd wedding so they “shouldn’t make a fuss”.

I’ve also spoken to a few work colleagues and friends parents who have said something similar. Is there some universally accepted suggestion that you should be almost embarrassed that your first marriage failed and you shouldn’t make a big deal out of any subsequent marriages?

OP posts:

whynotwhatknot · 23/03/2022 09:41

tell him to pay for himself then he can do what he likes

beinggreen · 23/03/2022 09:41

I'm not really one for big weddings anyway, but if it's the second wedding for both people (as is the case here), I wouldn't be advocating for a massive fuss.

Regarding the money point, I'd agree that you shouldn't be accepting financial help for a second wedding. If you can afford to go big on your own and you want to, fine, but it feels a bit crass to accept many off relatives for a big do the second time round. Apart from anything else, second wedding suggests you're a bit older in life, and should be able to take care of yourself without relying on your parents.

DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 09:42

If the parents want to offer money they should just offer a lump sum and not tie it to anything. The wedding should be whatever the couple want.

DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 09:44

@beinggreen

I'm not really one for big weddings anyway, but if it's the second wedding for both people (as is the case here), I wouldn't be advocating for a massive fuss.

If they offer with no strings attached I don't see the problem. I am my DH's second wife and his parents gave him a financial contribution no strings attached this time as they had pressured him into going the full hog with the first wedding and he hated it.

DuckyNoMates · 23/03/2022 09:45

Maybe they should not invite your mum if she's going to be rude about it

DrinkingByTheLake · 23/03/2022 09:45

They’re almost 40, it seems a bit dramatic for your brother to be in a bit of a mess over this Your brother needs to tell your parents that he’s a grown man with kids and that he and his partner are more than capable of deciding how they want to get married and paying for it. I really can’t imagine how a nearly 40 year old man who has children can be controlled by his mother. And that the wedding drama has to involve the whole family.

luckylavender · 23/03/2022 09:46

Up to them. Live & let live.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 09:47

Tell him not to accept anything that comes with conditions.

Bdhntbis · 23/03/2022 09:53

It’s quite an old fashioned view that they shouldn’t make a fuss.

Bdhntbis · 23/03/2022 09:54

Although what I have learnt with weddings that if people put conditions on the money they give you for it then irs better to say no thank you and pay to do it your way

Mellowyellow222 · 23/03/2022 10:02

Your parents think they should be ashamed. They aren’t. Nor should they be.

It’s a very old fashioned and mean spirited view. I suspect there will be many battles if your parents can’t just be happy for the couple

Georgeskitchen · 23/03/2022 10:02

Their money their choice although when I got to 3rd time round (for both of us) we did it quietly, register office with 2 witnesses, drink at the pub after, told everyone who needed to know after the event. Everyone was fine with it!!

lovelyluvvy · 23/03/2022 10:09

I've been married before and spent next to nothing on the wedding. If I got married again, I would probably do the same as the idea of big white weddings has never even vaguely interested me, nothing to do with it being a 2nd marriage. I think there are a few factors here as to how I would judge whether or not people were spending too much - did they bankrupt themselves on their first wedding and are they going to do that again? Did the guests have to shell out a fortune on the first wedding to get there, dress code, gifts etc and are they being expected to do the same again? Does this 2nd marriage look likely to last (how long have the couple been together already etc) and did the 1st wedding also look like a poor choice? It's absolutely the couple's choice to have a big wedding if they want, to say they shouldn't because it's their 2nd marriage is almost as if to say 2nd marriages don't count or are less important than the 1st, which is unfair. That sounds like it's going back to ideas of virginal purity, or that 'old brides' should be modest and less visible, not mutton dressed as lamb etc, or that the couple aren't deserving of a big wedding because their first marriages 'failed'. As long as unreasonable and expensive demands aren't being made on the guests, then it's really not anyone else's business.

Original poster

Wiggleit12 · 23/03/2022 10:10

@DrinkingByTheLake totally agree, and genuinely it’s not the wedding as such that he’s concerned about. My mother behaves like a total brat when she doesn’t get what she wants so it’s more the repercussions he can’t be bothered with.

He’s been very firm with her and said it’s a generous offer but not what they want, which is why I didn’t mention the money in my original post, even though my mother keeps bleating on about how “uncouth it is to make such a song and dance about it”, he has told her she doesn’t have to come which she abhorrent about as she HATES missing out.

My own parents are one thing and I genuinely can’t tell if it’s the it’s their actual opinion or it’s a tool for my mother to get what she wants.

But I was a bit surprised that this isn’t just their opinion, totally get not having a big wedding if it’s not what you want, and agree with PP about gifting a lump sum to go towards whatever the couple want. But I’ve always found the practice of gifting money then telling people what to do with it, a bit odd

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 23/03/2022 10:22

I don’t know part of me agrees their money their choice.
However I’m old enough to have been to several second weddings and I always feel a bit odd when they talk about marrying the love of their life in their vows. It always feels a bit well you said that last time and it didn’t work out.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/03/2022 10:23

It’s definitely a commonly held old fashioned view. I can remember my grandma being appalled some acquaintance having a white frock for her second wedding and my mum (70s) would definitely say you should wear something suitable as a second time around dress eg short and pale grey.
Uncouth is an interesting way of putting it. It’s about not making a show of yourself, drawing attention to fact it’s second marriage I think. Same way pg brides had a big bouquet in past and a floaty concealing dress.
But it’s an old fashioned view. If I was brother I’d just tell mum thanks but no thanks we are having big wedding as it’s what we both want.

Thehop · 23/03/2022 10:24

My first wedding was a very small gathering in a hotel.

My second wedding was a big church do.

Do what you want!

abigailsnan · 23/03/2022 10:26

My DD will be getting married again next year she is divorced and her DP was made a widower 6yrs ago,they are very happy together but his mother is the most tactless woman I have ever met she will at any excuse make reference to her late DIL and compare my DD to her.
The future MIL is now dictating who will attend this wedding to my DDs dismay so she and DP have decided to go away on holiday and marry quietly.
OP I suggest your DB & his DP do something similar or have the biggest wedding they can afford I hope when it happens they are very happy.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:34

@Fairyliz

I don’t know part of me agrees their money their choice. However I’m old enough to have been to several second weddings and I always feel a bit odd when they talk about marrying the love of their life in their vows. It always feels a bit well you said that last time and it didn’t work out.

Yes but they know what they are doing this time round.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:35

@abigailsnan

My DD will be getting married again next year she is divorced and her DP was made a widower 6yrs ago,they are very happy together but his mother is the most tactless woman I have ever met she will at any excuse make reference to her late DIL and compare my DD to her. The future MIL is now dictating who will attend this wedding to my DDs dismay so she and DP have decided to go away on holiday and marry quietly. OP I suggest your DB & his DP do something similar or have the biggest wedding they can afford I hope when it happens they are very happy.

Oh what a right moo. I hope they have a lovely wedding and stuff the MIL.

Thewindwhispers · 23/03/2022 10:36

I’ve been to a big second wedding. It is true that it’s tradtinit to make a fuss but thst tradition is dying.

I think the only tricky bit is if they say “until death do us part” which starts all the guests thinking about the ex-spouse who they also said that to.

Chely · 23/03/2022 10:37

As big and fancy as they like.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:37

It's not very supportive to say the 2nd wedding has to be kept quieter. Far better to admit a mistake was made or a tragedy has occurred and now the person has found love (again).

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 10:39

Very much their money their choice.

But I wouldn't spend loads to attend a 2nd wedding if I'd attended the first.
That part would be the cheeky bit for me. Imagine asking people to fork out again so they can see you make the same promises to someone else.

TreatTrimTame · 23/03/2022 10:39

My DP had a large wedding together.
DF then had large second and third weddings, all traditional big white dresses etc. The fourth was just 10 people at a registry office. There was a lot of "next one" jokes and it was the same best man for the first 3 but overall nobody cared. Although some family members did stop attending by wedding 3, but no bad blood.

My DM had 7 people at her second wedding and never remarried.

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