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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s concerning that a family member just assumes her (potentially) SEN child will be ‘fine’ because our SEN child is

55 replies

Dingalingadingdang · 22/03/2022 22:48

I know for a start this is none of my business but SIL has a child that’s showing definite markers for a number of potential serious conditions that can be managed but never cured.

Our DD has SEN. She has had massive intervention from a very young age (private school, extra therapies, time as we work for ourselves - the whole 9 yards) which has meant she is now thriving and it’s much less obvious (tho there is a constant vigilance that comes when something can’t be ‘cured’).

Anyway, SIL is ‘not worried’ because our child was ‘the same’ but is now ‘fine’. The basis of this is one sign and symptom shared. That’s it. The actual diagnosis would not be remotely the same if it turns out to be the case.

AIBU to think that’s really not the best approach of a child and she needs to start being proactive and can’t just assume it will all right itself ‘because it did for you’.

Also a more distant relative on that side brought up this particular condition in a totally ‘non connected’ way (but a very random thing to just start talking about) which shows there must be concerns from others - not just me.

As I say I know it’s nothing to do with me but surely she needs to be encouraged to seek help. Aibu to ask how?

OP posts:
SevenWaystoLeave · 22/03/2022 23:05

If her DC needs more proactive intervention this will surely soon become apparent to her, and she'll get on it then? I'm not really sure what you're looking for from her at this point. Sounds like your biggest peeve is it not being acknowledged how much you've done with your DD? If her child has the same needs, it'll become obvious to her soon enough. If not, then it's not a comparible situation anyway.

MardyMandy · 22/03/2022 23:14

People need time to come to terms with things. It can't be rushed. I speak from experience of both positions.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 22/03/2022 23:17

Honestly, let it go.

She’s probably seeing how well your dd is doing and it’s a life raft during a really difficult time.

My dd is waiting to be diagnosed with ASD, and you can bet I focus on the older kids I know that are thriving in-spite of their similar challenges, as opposed to the doom and gloom that’s everywhere about the condition online.

Gasandpair · 22/03/2022 23:26

I can understand how you’re feeling here. A lot of people assume my ds is doing well ‘just because’ but I’ve put in sooo much work that others don’t really see, even my dh I don’t think understands how much energy I’ve put in and that it’s paying off now.,

I’d just outright say to her that you’ll happily talk her through the interventions you used that were the most effective anytime she wants to know but understand that it can be overwhelming at first to work out what will work best for her own particular dc. Recommend that she talks to as many other parents of children with similar SN and picks their brains too so the responsibility isn’t all on you.

lborgia · 23/03/2022 01:09

I seriously hope that if the time comes when she has to start helping her child, she won't be using words such as "fixed", "cured", and think massive therapy and behaviour modification is always the way forward.

Depending on what is going to happen, let's hope she doesn't need "massive intervention" to make her child a happy and content person.

Carpy899 · 23/03/2022 04:40

If it's not your business why are you on here starting a thread about it anyway? Speak to your SIL in you're if that bothered about this child and think you can offer some advice or do the opposite and just judge from afar that you're such a better parent.

Philisophigal · 23/03/2022 06:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 06:17

I think that, if you want to help her, you need to focus on how important early intervention is and the difference it has made to your child rather than implying to her that your child was ok but hers might not?

Original poster
Dingalingadingdang · 23/03/2022 06:34

I don’t think hers won’t be fine, and mine is. But I do know mine has less day to day issue because of intervention which she doesn’t seem to see.

I have had no conversation with her about it. But others are concerned, hence raised it with and I guess looking for reassurance that it will all come out in the wash.

Of course the fact that up to this point by SN child was somewhat derided as different and inadequate compared to her first and is now being deemed as a beacon of hope considering the second is interesting.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 23/03/2022 06:39

She may well be in denial about her childs needs. Although Indo understand your concerns as DS1 has additional support needs and we have had huge intervention in place since he was a pre schooler and quite honestly I exhausted myself trying to support him and help him day to day. It's paid off he has come on in leaps and bounds and is doing great. People have no idea the work we and the professionals who support him have had to put in or the ongoing fight I have had for 8 years to help him.

PineConesInTheSnow · 23/03/2022 06:43

I know for a start this is none of my business

You have answered your own question here.

Really just leave your SIL to find her own way with her child. She can always ask you for help if and when she wants help.

There is a terrible rift in my family due to a similar situation and the different approaches to raising a child with special needs. I despair so much over the silent (and sometimes overt) judgement.

Try anything you can to avoid comparison and to diminish judgements among your family members. The loss and damage isn’t worth some attempt to sway her parenting approach to mimic yours. She may be deluded according to you but she may need that right now as a way to cope.

implantreplace · 23/03/2022 06:44

How old are the children involved?

implantreplace · 23/03/2022 06:45

* I have had no conversation with her about it*

So all hearsay?
And presumably you’re not close to her?

PineConesInTheSnow · 23/03/2022 06:50

Of course the fact that up to this point my SN child was somewhat derided as different and inadequate compared to her first and is now being deemed as a beacon of hope considering the second is interesting.

It’s probably difficult not to be bitter about this history, I would struggle with this. Was it her deriding your child or other family members making comparisons?

But still, just keep to yourself. If she was prejudiced against your child for having SN, I really feel sad for her own SN child.

implantreplace · 23/03/2022 06:53

Ah read update

Ok - so clearly you two don’t get on well. At all.

And everything you say is hearsay becuae you’ve not actually spoken to her about it

Op - step away. You are not be person to think about this, let alone raise with her or discuss with others

Original poster
Dingalingadingdang · 23/03/2022 06:59

I haven’t raised it with her because I understand the process you have to go through to come to terms with it and for her it will be doubly hard because of her various views on what a child ‘should be’.

This was a) to see if I was reading it wrong b) anything I can do to help considering her views.

If the answer is a) wrong end of the stick or none of your business - nothing to do with you b) nothing, then I will not attempt any help and just nod and smile

OP posts:
implantreplace · 23/03/2022 07:01

Op

You don’t get on
You have had NO communication with her about the issue to date whatsoever
Everything is second hand.

You are not the person to get involved

How old is the child?

EIisheva · 23/03/2022 07:08

I’m assuming you’re talking about autism.

We did similar in terms of massive interventions and it has really paid off.

People from the outside would probably assume that he just grew out of it and they don’t see the amount of effort it has taken on every area of his life. I am exhausted by autism and it’s aspects. My son is 9 and I still can’t guarantee that I’ll get a full Night sleep. But hey - he can talk, ear and poo these days so that’s small potatoes.

I can see why you might feel annoyed that your SIL doesn’t seem to see that your son is ok because if the extra effort, however you don’t see what effort she is putting in behind the scenes either and she may just not want to discuss it yet. Just be there for her.

Gasandpair · 23/03/2022 07:09

“Of course the fact that up to this point my SN child was somewhat derided as different and inadequate compared to her first and is now being deemed as a beacon of hope considering the second is interesting.“
My ds was also “somewhat derided” by family members. BIL went ape shit once about ds’ (actually not that bad) behaviour and stormed out of birthday party, despite ds’ subsequent diagnoses and extensive support needs, he has never said anything about it. So I understand your pain there. I also understand that it would be difficult to stand by and not say anything to help a child who needs that kind of support but parents are blithely assuming that everything will be fine and dandy without much effort on their part. I have held back and not made the suggestions I might have done and Looking back I think the parents made the assumption that it would all be ok partly based on my ds. Then the child has gone on to struggle more and more, eventually not able to attend school at all. It is none of my business of course but I still feel it.

EIisheva · 23/03/2022 07:10

Ok just see you don’t even get on

In that case definitely butt out and “be there”’ if she needs support

Appleseesaw · 23/03/2022 07:22

I know this is cheeky, but for those who have had success with interventions, what interventions are they and when did you start?

Op, I think you are right, but in your shoes I wouldn’t say anything unless she brought it up with me first. Even then I’d be more inclined to talk about what I did with my child, rather than give advice on her child (unless she specifically requests this).

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/03/2022 07:24

Very often people who don’t have DC with additional needs don’t see the very hard work that goes in to supporting them just to function day by day. And many parents have a 100 different opinions about children with additional needs, some of them deeply unpleasant, you just need to look at threads here to see that. You sound quite happy to see her “comeuppance”, which may be due to the hurt she caused you but tbh she will need empathy and support in bucketloads. You may not be the one to give her that because of your feelings about the family response to your own child.

It’s great that you’ve had the time and resources to support your child, many parents don’t have access to such resources. You’ll know that if you can’t throw time and money at it the level of support available to parents is pretty scant and has to be hard fought for, it sounds like her child hasn’t been diagnosed yet so she’s very early in a system that can be utterly bewildering. Give her time and space, let her come to terms with her situation and let her have her hopes that her DC will be ok, it’ll soon becomes apparent the amount of work she’ll have on her plate.

Winkydink · 23/03/2022 07:25

I totally here you. Both my DC have had numerous issues - one physical from birth trauma one asd related with numerous other features. People don’t seem to get that I quit my job and devoted myself full time to getting every last bit of help I could wrangle from the nhs and privately. OT, physio, portage, play therapy, speech therapy, feeding therapy, podiatry - you name it! I was there pushing for the appointments. DC are now “fine” I’ve been told by friends but by god it’s been a tough road.

There’s not really anything you can do or say - I mean this in the nicest way but you need to not worry about her, she needs to figure this out for herself.

Winkydink · 23/03/2022 07:25

Horrendous typo - I clearly “hear” you!

Lunalicious · 23/03/2022 07:26

Tbh I would just let her get on with it and mind your own business (in the nicest possible way). You don't get on so anything you say to her is potentially going to be taken the wrong way and cause an argument.