It’s concerning that a family member just assumes her (potentially) SEN child will be ‘fine’ because our SEN child is

[Dingalingadingdang]

I know for a start this is none of my business but SIL has a child that’s showing definite markers for a number of potential serious conditions that can be managed but never cured.

Our DD has SEN. She has had massive intervention from a very young age (private school, extra therapies, time as we work for ourselves - the whole 9 yards) which has meant she is now thriving and it’s much less obvious (tho there is a constant vigilance that comes when something can’t be ‘cured’).

Anyway, SIL is ‘not worried’ because our child was ‘the same’ but is now ‘fine’. The basis of this is one sign and symptom shared. That’s it. The actual diagnosis would not be remotely the same if it turns out to be the case.

AIBU to think that’s really not the best approach of a child and she needs to start being proactive and can’t just assume it will all right itself ‘because it did for you’.

Also a more distant relative on that side brought up this particular condition in a totally ‘non connected’ way (but a very random thing to just start talking about) which shows there must be concerns from others - not just me.

As I say I know it’s nothing to do with me but surely she needs to be encouraged to seek help. Aibu to ask how?

@Elisheva - well if it’s the right thing to butt out because ‘we obviously don’t get on’, I won’t be wasting my time ‘being there’ - for someone with whom I ‘obviously don’t get on’.

@MardyMandy

People need time to come to terms with things. It can't be rushed. I speak from experience of both positions.

This.

She will find her own way through, just as you did. And, to a certain extent, her DC will be who they are going to be irrespective of whether they go to private school or have ABA or whatever you have been doing. Time clarifies a child's developmental path and most of us take the result as a reflection on our parenting, but I often think that (barring neglect) we overestimate how much is down to our excellence.

If you are talking about autism the fact your kid is at private school and has interventions may or may not be affecting her outcome, there's so many unknowns your cannot compare. Most autistic children go to state school and most don't get much help, most do well in the long term. Your sil's child may end up doing "better" than your child there is no way of knowing.

My dd is autistic and already an adult. I will always reassure people at the beginning of the journey that whilst there's no guarantees, many different outcomes most youngsters with autism will do ok and there's lots of hope - no point in stressing all the potential pitfalls to the parents of a person just diagnosed who are struggling.

My DD has recently been diagnosed as ASD and I have had so many people tell me that she will be fine and to look at celebrities such as Steve Jobs, Bill Gates etc.

These people don't see the high level of input from me to ensure that my DD is able to access even the more simple activities in a meaningful and enjoyable way. They don't understand the intensity of fighting for even the most basic support and the agony of not knowing the future. It takes time to come to terms with the new normal and she might be getting filled up with everyone else trying (clumsily) to offer support and comfort.

You sound angry about previous comments that she made. You have every right to be and don't need to offer her support if you don't want to. But she's probably reeling and feeling it's best to focus on the positive stories right now.

You plainly don't like her and haven't, it appears, made any attempt to contact her in a spirit of warmth, empathy and support. Instead you chose to bitch about her on the internet.

Time to step back from the keyboard and consider whether you want to offer any compassion and support or are going to continue to carp from the sidelines. The third option is to butt out, say nothing and stop bitching about her.

I can tell you are worried for your nephew/neice. But I also feel that you are miffed because all of the great/extra efforts you have put into your child haven't been recognised as such, and it is annoying when you put so much into something and others treat it likes it nothing and they will and can do the same (without really understand what it took to get you where you are). Sadly some people underestimate the tenacity and hard work of others.

If it's Utism ,than it's a huge spectrum and what works for one child won't work for another
My son was diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities at three and a half,he has tons of interventions at his special school,but due to his severe cognitive impairment,he won't be the next Bill gates etc ,and it would be ridiculous to suggest everyone in the spectrum could b.

Well aren't you a great parent and your SIL obviously s**t, we'll done you, feel better? Mind your business, you don't know what's going on and you clearly just want to dump on your SIL with faux concern about her child 🙄

I wonder if it would be better to re post this in SN section OP? It’s not an unfamiliar dynamic for parents of dc with sn, and it’s not quite as simple as keeping your beak out.

In similar situations (friends and family) I have been approached by third parties and I’ve just said that getting early intervention has been key, that you have to fight hard for everything, that waiting lists are long, and that the other parent is welcome to contact me if they want.

They seldom do, and I suspect that there’s a voyeuristic aspect to some of these conversations, and that the information isn’t necessarily fed back at all.

In similar situations to yours I’ve reached out and suggested a play date. Sometimes the dm isn’t interested and that’s fair enough, sometimes it’s useful but there isn’t enough of a connection to be useful to each other long term and that’s ok too.

I wouldn’t push in, but I would reach out.

There is a lot of speculation here. You think she is assuming her child will be ok because your child seems to be ok. Equally you are assuming she is wrong about that.

Even if both children have the exact same condition to the exact same degree it will present differently in each of them and require different interventions. They way you have adapted and managed with your child was the right way for them and your family, it doesn't mean it will be the right way for your SIL and her child. That family will find its own path in its own time.

Your gut instinct is correct. This isn't any of your business. Be available and present to help out and support if requested but apart from that, devote your time and attention to your own family.

“Of course she will be fine, they are all fine in their way, we just need to work out what their way is and how to support them to be fine! We did quite a lot of ‘finding out’ with Dd which was scary at the time but gave us a clear picture of how to support her, and professional back up. It was really helpful. If you have any thoughts based on symptom / sign let me know if you want the name of the professionals that advised us”

But. Do they have the same capacity to afford private school, private therapies and flexible working?
If not she may be avoiding discussion with you because she knows that the reality for lots of parents with children with SEN is a parent unable to work, financial pressure snd constant battling and paperwork with medical and educational systems.

Not every child with SEN improves with ‘massive intervention’ and some children with significant needs when young improve with little intervention. I’m sure your SIL is just as concerned for her child as you are for yours. Also, not everyone is able to pay for (or ‘be proactive’ battling for) private school and therapies. You don’t sound as if you really want to help in this situation anyway. You have said you’re not close, so you probably don’t know how your SIL is truly feeling about her situation.

All you can do, if you are in touch with her, is talk about how much support you have had to put in, and for how long, to get your child to where she is. And also try to emphasise how no two children with SEN are alike.

she is being positive
dont burst her bubble

I think you need to stay out of it. Intervention doesn’t always mean the child will improve or live a normal life. My dd had a early diagnosis, had loads of therapy (speech therapy, music therapy, occupational therapy, sound therapy…….), I spent the first 5 years going back and forth to appointments, doing therapy at home, giving up my job to spend more time with her. She’s now 16 and still struggles with speech and understanding, attends a sn school and needs 1:1 most of the time.

I’m sure she is well aware of what the future may or may not hold, she’s trying to stay positive which is all she can do.

@MrsLargeEmbodied

she is being positive dont burst her bubble

Not sure about this. It reminds me of when my mother had a stroke: I was told a lot of positive stories about people making good recoveries, but one person said that in her experience with people of that age (in her 80s), things only tended to get worse. As it turned out, that one person was right, and I was very glad to have been forewarned.

That doesn't mean OP has to put forward a worst case scenario, but a little gentle information about how much they have had to put into helping their child and how every child is different may well be very helpful to her SIL, and save her regretting that she didn't act sooner to get help.

I think I,d give it time and try to be there to lend a listening ear. As many have said, potentially she needs time to comes to terms and adjust expectations.

However an exception would be if the suspected condition was something that really should have immediate medical attention. Eg the child is at serious risk if the family don’t seek medical advice.

I’d just outright say to her that you’ll happily talk her through the interventions you used that were the most effective anytime she wants to know but understand that it can be overwhelming at first to work out what will work best for her own particular dc

This would have hugely pissed me off while I was coming to terms with the fact that my dd had severe LD. I didn't want to hear it.
This mother needs time to adjust without having her head pecked by well meaning busybodies. Professional advice is what she needs, when she asks for it.

@Appleseesaw - for us it was a lot of different interventions on a needs basis

For us, the professionals gave advice and some short term bursts of ‘help’ but the real work was at home - adapting our behaviour to support him, changing the environment to meet his sensory needs and physical challenges, learning to support him emotionally.

Getting him assessed has been an uphill battle, and incredibly having a diagnosis can actually be a barrier to getting another diagnosis ime. And accessing one service can be a barrier to another (eg he’s currently getting much needed CBT, so the OT won’t see him while that’s going on 🙄). It’s not even as simple as paying privately because you still have to deal with long lists and some dubious practices. I’ve had to step in a couple of times.

If you’re looking at interventions the key is to ensure they are research based. Even new techniques should be drawn from a solid research base.

And it’s not about finding a cure - it’s about meeting an individual child’s needs and giving as much care and support as you can.

Hth.

[quote Dingalingadingdang]@Elisheva - well if it’s the right thing to butt out because ‘we obviously don’t get on’, I won’t be wasting my time ‘being there’ - for someone with whom I ‘obviously don’t get on’.[/quote]
I sense your being sarcastic
However - yes, what you say is bang on

Private education
Multiple therapies
You and are partner heavily involved as work from home

Perhaps this is all out of her each and she knows it. So even if you did even vaguely get on, you probably wouldn’t be her first port of call

Her “reach”

Id let her get on with it. None of your business. It is surely possible that your childs issues improved with maturity as much as any intervention you put in place.
Maybe you could have a chat with her and talk about the therapies you found useful if you want to help. Id be gentle about it though, but its nice that she sees your child as a success story