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Original poster

Advice on changing teen's beliefs. Worrying view.

53 replies

BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 22/03/2022 21:49

I was just challenged when the words, "I can't admit when I'm wrong or I've made a mistake, say I'm sorry or backtrack as it will make me less of a man!" came out of the mouth of a teenage boy.

Please help me with a cool, teen-friendly example (book, podcast, film...anything(!) to show him how this belief is so very far from the truth. I don't even know where to start looking.

He won't listen to me (what do I know?!) and he hasn't learned this attitude from home - his dad and brothers aren't like this at all. He's a prickly, uptight teen, he needs to want to change, to want to be open to seeing a different way.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Underfrighter · 22/03/2022 21:59

Does he like any team sport like football? Ask what would happen if his favourite player had that attitude. If they refused to try and analyse what went wrong or why and just pretended a mistake hadn't happened, how would that help them when they came across the same situation in the next game?

AmbitiousHalibut · 22/03/2022 22:00

Hi, I'm sure someone will be along with better examples, but the person who just came to mind is Tom Brady. He recently retired as one of the greats I'm American football (I'm told) and then changed his mind. There may be interesting analysis or news articles that show his change of heart being well received and nothing unmanly about it?

AmbitiousHalibut · 22/03/2022 22:02

Oh, or if he watches Ted Lasso, Roy Kent is a great example of a super alpha male who also admits when he makes mistakes. His language isn't great, so I guess it depends how old your teenager is!

MangyInseam · 22/03/2022 22:06

Is he generally kind of a rigid thinker? Sometimes kids like that get an idea, and even though there are lots of counter-examples around them, can't let it go.

Awakened22 · 22/03/2022 22:22

Definitely try Steven Bartlett’s book or podcast. He’s a young entrepreneur and on dragons den…his book’s called happy sexy millionaire but he talks a lot about how he’s had to redefine what success meant and his understanding of what’s important to be happy.

Littlebluebird123 · 22/03/2022 22:35

Growth mindset versus fixed mindset is something to look into.

CliffsofMohair · 22/03/2022 22:37

@AmbitiousHalibut

Oh, or if he watches Ted Lasso, Roy Kent is a great example of a super alpha male who also admits when he makes mistakes. His language isn't great, so I guess it depends how old your teenager is!
Bloody love Roy Kent 😂😂😂😂
LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 22/03/2022 22:39

I’d give it time. Teens come out with a lot of guff because they’re trying on different personalities and personas to see what fits.

Was there a particular context to that mouthful, or was he quoting someone? It’s quite wordy.

I wouldn’t try telling a teen anything, but with mine I keep drawing his attention to the qualities and actions of men I admire in the course of chatting about his day, or the news, or characters in films and books.

“He handled that well” about a friend defusing a fight at lunchtime
Contrasting the Scottish landscapers helping to rescue people in Ukraine to the bored queens guard heading off on an adventure.

It’s not as contrived or worthy as I’m describing; it’s just chit chat. But I think a slow drip drip of values might be better than a big example, particularly as we now live in a world where all the heroes turn out to be a disappointment.

Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 22/03/2022 22:51

Thank you all. Loads to think about.

His personality has totally flipped since he became a teen. He would have had a really high EQ growing up (had it been measured!) and was empathetic- much more so than his peers (to the point where even he noticed he thought more about things/people/feelings than others). He was kind, positive, gentle. He now talks so aggressively, almost barks at us. Pushes my buttons big time- I just can't stand the tone and constant put downs (to his siblings). He can't admit when he's wrong, will argue about anything... thinks he knows best (it clearly does go in as you see it come out later down the line).

He's a good kid, works hard at school and school don't see this side of him (thankfully).

It's almost like he enjoys goading us at home. A few narcissistic tendencies when he talks to us.

Tonight he's apologised about something and admitted he knows he's doing it but can't stop as it's 'unmanly'. He seems so angry and bitter all the time and I worry he's doing irreparable damage to his sibling relationships.

Growth mindset. His school was a growth mindset school and I'm a teacher. Academically he has a growth mindset.

OP posts:
DaffTheDoggo · 22/03/2022 22:57

Op, does he spend a lot of time online? I’d be wondering whether he’s on a chat room or watching videos about men’s rights, trad gender roles etc.

noblegiraffe · 22/03/2022 22:59

Does he spend a lot of time on the internet? Places like Reddit or twitter where arguing like that is the norm?

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/03/2022 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/03/2022 23:14

Sorry but what do you plan to do with these book and podcast suggestions? Make him do book reports, watch them like “Clockwork Orange”?

He needs good role models, a dose of humility now and then, and for you not to panic. Jesus, I’m a girl and hate to admit when I’m wrong. I’ll do it because it’s the right thing to do, but nobody actually enjoys it. Especially a teen who is trying to figure out life. On a deep level they know they are full of crap, but won’t admit it until much later in life.

Honestly, relax and don’t let it get a rise out of you, but do make sure you point out when he is wrong but don’t make him admit it. “Oh, so balancing all those full plates won’t be a problem, huh… feel free to expand on that after you clean the rice and chicken on the floor”

Tiredtiredtired100 · 23/03/2022 00:00

Watch the documentary the mask you live in:
www.imdb.com/title/tt3983674/
It’s fantastic and aimed at teenagers. Watch it and discuss it with him.

MyHusbandTheIdiot · 23/03/2022 00:04

Another person here who is wondering what he’s been frequenting on the internet…

ikeepseeingit · 23/03/2022 00:34

I think the question you really need to ask him when he says this is ' Why would you think less of yourself for admitting you need to grow? If we never admit it, we will stay stagnant all our lives.' Then you need to address what he means by less of a 'man' does he think he needs to be a grown-up and should have it all together, or does he think he needs to be 'manly' by being right? Getting to the root of what he's saying without judging first might be more beneficial because there are two different approaches needed based on the answer.

lborgia · 23/03/2022 01:19

We had a very similar experience.

Turns out he was feeling very confused by his own aggression, but several long talks (sitting in the car not face to face) really helped.

He was struggling. With things happening to him, things around him. Perceived injustices in the way we parent him compared to siblings, all sorts.

At no point did I say his behaviour was OK, but I did say I understood where it was coming from.

We also had a very basic conversation about teenage mood, hormones etc. I know he'd learnt all this before, but hadn't connected it to his own behaviour.

I did a lot of explaining about how we parent, why we do things the way we do.

It didn't magically stop, but it definitely brought it all to a fairly rapid conclusion.

My best parenting advice is to make time to spend with each child and cultivate separate relationships. Even more important as they're growing older, they will start to see your flaws, and they need to not worry about that. You are human, but you've still got this.

That sort of thing!

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 23/03/2022 01:27

It doesn't sound like he actually believes that to me. It sounds like he's using it as an excuse to be a bit of a twat to you all.

I'd be coming down hard. If he talks poorly to you or siblings, instant confiscation of privileges etc and an explanation that it won't be put up with in the real world and that others don't deserve to be at the mercy of his moods.

It's time he learns to treat his loved ones well.

lborgia · 23/03/2022 01:42

Or you could do that.

mswales · 23/03/2022 01:49

@Awakened22

Definitely try Steven Bartlett’s book or podcast. He’s a young entrepreneur and on dragons den…his book’s called happy sexy millionaire but he talks a lot about how he’s had to redefine what success meant and his understanding of what’s important to be happy.
Great recommendation as Steve Bartlett also wrote a book on toxic masculinity
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/03/2022 01:59

Sounds like DS.

He has spent the last three years (he is 16) being an absolute weapons grade arsehole. I clung to the fact that his four older siblings were arseholes too in their teens, although not to his level. I was an arsehole at that age and so was my sister.

In the last few months we have had no big outbursts, today he asked me how my day at work was and offered to cook dinner......I am on the point of asking for blood tests to confirm that he hasnt been abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone! It got to the point where I started recording his (frankly abusive) rants and then got accused of blackmail......until I pointed out that if he was 100% right and everyone would agree that I was in the wrong (as he claimed_, why did he care if I had recorded him as surely it would simply prove that I was an utter bitch and he was a victim.

They do come back eventually, but I am sorry to say that it may take a few years.

As I said to DS last year "Oh I wish I was 15 again......then I would know everything just like you do!

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 02:33

Sounds like a teen boy with no positive male role models in his life.

TigerYiger · 23/03/2022 03:36

As a mum of two teen boys, give him a hug and let him know you love him. When we feel secure in ourselves and loved we don't need to perform, he's describing not feeling safe to be himself. Re-write your post as if it were about you, which will rightly feel controlling and unfair, and call yourself out on trying to control him. Are you trying to keep up appearances? Our children are a reflection of us, he's only doing to himself what you are doing to him. Probably didn't start with you but is yours, and not his, to own. Sorry if this is triggering, it's obvs not personal and hard to hear but it's the place where we truly heal - put down the magnifying glass and pick up a mirror.

TigerYiger · 23/03/2022 03:42

Sorry, I meant he's only doing to himself what you are doing to you. Sent with compassion x

CaribooSasquatch · 23/03/2022 03:56

Obviously there are other explanations (and just being a teenager is probably the most likely) but you could have been describing my DS1's "personality transplant" as a young teenager.

I may be projecting here...but...your DS seems quite fixated on appearances and being seen as "manly" enough. My moody and confrontational DS pretty much immediately reverted back to his previous lovely, sensitive self once he came out.

Could your son be in denial about his sexuality and be over compensating with all this macho BS?