Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on changing teen's beliefs. Worrying view.

53 replies

BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 22/03/2022 21:49

I was just challenged when the words, "I can't admit when I'm wrong or I've made a mistake, say I'm sorry or backtrack as it will make me less of a man!" came out of the mouth of a teenage boy.

Please help me with a cool, teen-friendly example (book, podcast, film...anything(!) to show him how this belief is so very far from the truth. I don't even know where to start looking.

He won't listen to me (what do I know?!) and he hasn't learned this attitude from home - his dad and brothers aren't like this at all. He's a prickly, uptight teen, he needs to want to change, to want to be open to seeing a different way.

Thank you!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/03/2022 06:50

Ignore. He'll be winding you up.

maddening · 23/03/2022 07:07

Yeah do check out online activity, it does read like mra or incel type grooming of a young mind.

Also let him have friends over so you van observce and see if any of his friends in particular bring another side out in him when they interact with each other

Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 23/03/2022 08:32

Thank you all for taking gbtge time to reply. Believe me, he has many positive male role models. He has many opportunities to talk, or to have 121 time. He has a lovely life.

To the person who (not very helpfully) asked what I was planning to do with books or podcasts... the rest of what you had to say was valuable and valid but undermined by the sarcasm. I was asking for help (for him and me) and didn't need to be patronised.

You have all given me some great reassurances and it's nice to know it's not just him who goes through this.

You have hit on something about what he watches online and on TV. He is really good at debating and making informed arguments but he seems to practise on us. He has a real sense of what's fair and not fair and tries to instill this on his siblings (food, snacks etc) but doesn't live to his own standards. This drives me bonkers BUT I must try not to bite!

Our other sons are not like this so it's not a case of negative role models within the house.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/03/2022 08:43

@Awakened22

Definitely try Steven Bartlett’s book or podcast. He’s a young entrepreneur and on dragons den…his book’s called happy sexy millionaire but he talks a lot about how he’s had to redefine what success meant and his understanding of what’s important to be happy.
I agree with this. Steven's podcasts are absolutely incredible. He's a really young man but is really interested in psychology and what success really means.
gingerhills · 23/03/2022 08:50

I'm afraid I'd mock that attitude (not him). I'd say, 'Who told you that men are such jerks they are incapable of admitting mistakes? It's not true of any man worth knowing. What if Einstein had said, 'Big butch ME am right first time!' and not bothered to explore the 599 extra failed attempts that led to the theory of relativity?'
Remind him there's not one way to be a man. Every man is an individual and he doesn't have to force himself to conform to a stereotype.

I think teens do suddenly explore extreme ideas. I remember DS2 becoming pro-Trump for a while, and thinking he was a brilliant businessman and world leader. That unnerved me a lot. He used to get upset when we mocked Trump and said we were being unkind. He saw the light.

CallMeDaddy58 · 23/03/2022 08:52

@AmbitiousHalibut

Hi, I'm sure someone will be along with better examples, but the person who just came to mind is Tom Brady. He recently retired as one of the greats I'm American football (I'm told) and then changed his mind. There may be interesting analysis or news articles that show his change of heart being well received and nothing unmanly about it?
Probably not the best example. As a teen I’m sure he’s seen the many many memes taking the piss saying 2 months at home with the wife and kids drove Tom Brady back to football in his mid forties. If anything toxic masculinity has been reinforced by Tom’s situation. He keeps talking about “unfinished business” and he’s also a known cheat. Search “deflate gate” if your interested in the details.
Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 23/03/2022 17:23

@TigerYiger

As a mum of two teen boys, give him a hug and let him know you love him. When we feel secure in ourselves and loved we don't need to perform, he's describing not feeling safe to be himself. Re-write your post as if it were about you, which will rightly feel controlling and unfair, and call yourself out on trying to control him. Are you trying to keep up appearances? Our children are a reflection of us, he's only doing to himself what you are doing to him. Probably didn't start with you but is yours, and not his, to own. Sorry if this is triggering, it's obvs not personal and hard to hear but it's the place where we truly heal - put down the magnifying glass and pick up a mirror.
I don't really understand what you are saying.
OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 23/03/2022 17:37

Are you quite touchy too OP? You have said a few things which make me think you might be, so it might be worth exploring within yourself. I have found that helpful, if challenging, when my kids start doing things that particularly trigger me. If you address this in yourself then you might on some level help him to release his grip a little.

Ballcactus · 23/03/2022 17:41

@DaffTheDoggo

Op, does he spend a lot of time online? I’d be wondering whether he’s on a chat room or watching videos about men’s rights, trad gender roles etc.
This was my thought too
CremeEggThief · 23/03/2022 17:44

Probably just a phase, OP. I've hrard similar from my son in his mid-teens. Thankfully, he's calmed down and grown up a lot, although he still comes out with the odd thing that makes you roll your eyes.

AmbitiousHalibut · 23/03/2022 17:46

@52CallMeDaddy58
Apologies, I wasn't aware of that.

Knittingchamp · 23/03/2022 17:48

Dwayne Johnson is an ex WWE guy and he is very Macho and does a lot of work in this area I think, he's all about being manly means being a good person, treating others well, no bravado etc. He's a big action star and a massive muscly type so that might connect.

Also could be a bit of a cry for help OP, maybe a bully culture has started around him and he has to be hard all the time to not become a target.

Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 23/03/2022 17:55

@coffeeisthebest

Are you quite touchy too OP? You have said a few things which make me think you might be, so it might be worth exploring within yourself. I have found that helpful, if challenging, when my kids start doing things that particularly trigger me. If you address this in yourself then you might on some level help him to release his grip a little.
Lol what makes you think that? No, I wouldn't really say I'm touchy. I'm far from perfect but not overly touchy! Just a mum asking for advice or signposting (rather than looking to be patronised as one reply came across as).
OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 23/03/2022 18:02

Hi son of OP. Being a woman, I can assure you that a man who won't apologise or admit when he is wrong is a red flag and literally no woman wants or respects a bloke like that.

I'd run for the hills. Honestly. Apologising with dignity and saying, 'you know what, I was wrong' gets you a lot more respect than refusing to back down. It makes you less of a twat, not less of a man. You sound pretty immature. Nothing manly about your current attitude. It's more reminiscent of a 12 year old boy.

Fritilleries · 23/03/2022 18:07

@Notanotherwindow

Hi son of OP. Being a woman, I can assure you that a man who won't apologise or admit when he is wrong is a red flag and literally no woman wants or respects a bloke like that.

I'd run for the hills. Honestly. Apologising with dignity and saying, 'you know what, I was wrong' gets you a lot more respect than refusing to back down. It makes you less of a twat, not less of a man. You sound pretty immature. Nothing manly about your current attitude. It's more reminiscent of a 12 year old boy.

Who is this aimed at?
00100001 · 23/03/2022 18:08

@Notanotherwindow

Hi son of OP. Being a woman, I can assure you that a man who won't apologise or admit when he is wrong is a red flag and literally no woman wants or respects a bloke like that.

I'd run for the hills. Honestly. Apologising with dignity and saying, 'you know what, I was wrong' gets you a lot more respect than refusing to back down. It makes you less of a twat, not less of a man. You sound pretty immature. Nothing manly about your current attitude. It's more reminiscent of a 12 year old boy.

...it's her son, not her boyfriend...
Ohmnomnom · 23/03/2022 18:17

I agree with some constructive piss taking. Nothing kills a teenager's ideology faster than a parent ridiculing it.

HannibalHeyes · 23/03/2022 18:29

I would go with the line, "actually, a real man is someone who takes responsibility for his own actions, and attitudes. Admitting you have made a mistake (and then trying to correct it) is a real sign of strength. Refusing to admit to mistakes is a rather pathetic sign of weakness." See Boris and Trump as examples of the latter...

Broads93 · 23/03/2022 18:51

He sounds like an incel/misogynist in the making, absolutely keep a close eye on his ideologies.

Hopefulsunrise · 23/03/2022 19:07

What is he defining as a man?

MangyInseam · 23/03/2022 19:07

@Knittingchamp

Dwayne Johnson is an ex WWE guy and he is very Macho and does a lot of work in this area I think, he's all about being manly means being a good person, treating others well, no bravado etc. He's a big action star and a massive muscly type so that might connect.

Also could be a bit of a cry for help OP, maybe a bully culture has started around him and he has to be hard all the time to not become a target.

A bit like Mr T in the old days!
Notanotherwindow · 23/03/2022 19:09

Yes I got that. Just pointing out to him that no female will find this shit attractive. It isn't manly never to apologise, its just immature. OP can show him the thread if she wants with a whole boatload of people telling him that his attitude isn't cool.

Allsorts1 · 23/03/2022 19:12

I’d be worried he’d found the red pill on reddit.

Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 23/03/2022 19:30

@Allsorts1

I’d be worried he’d found the red pill on reddit.
What's the red pill on Reddit?
OP posts:
Original poster
BoysDontCryOhYesTheyDo · 23/03/2022 19:32

After yesterday's conversation, he seems much lighter and less prickly. Long may it continue. Lots of great ideas here- thanks again!

OP posts: