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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed hearing about my exh!!!

62 replies

Cherry55 · 22/03/2022 17:29

I'm done. I've done the therapy, I've done the acceptance, I've worked on myself and my career to look me and the kids. Ive even got a lovely man. I've got us back on our feet after being left by exh for ow and a whole trunk of lies and hideousness that could warrant a netflix series.

But by jeszzz I am done biting my tongue when the kids tell me, and this is weekly, about daddy's new car, new extension, new job, the ow new thus and that even...he's the actual devil incarnate and deserves nothing.

It's so lovely to have the headspace and I go days without a second thought to him now but its tough having it dished to you from your lovely children and you have to keep frankly saintly about it.

So hard!!! He pays us the bare minimum and I work my butt off and do pretty much all the childcare so it galling.

Can I ask your tongue biting techniques because I'm ashamed to say sometimes, not often, my happy for daddy mask slips.

OP posts:
ISayItLikeItIs · 23/03/2022 10:33

Why should you bite your tongue? If he can pay for all these nice things surely he should be paying more for his kids

DaisyDeli · 23/03/2022 10:44

It gets easier OP. Bide your time.

Hold on to the fact that the ex makes your children happy.

LabelMaker · 23/03/2022 10:50

If it helps they are probably doing the same to him and OW.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2022 11:10

Well I’d drop your standards to neutral about Daddy - that’s good enough. Also accept it is completely normal to be pissed off. And also see a solicitor if there’s any chance you can get more cash? Otherwise just keep on truckin forward as best you can.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:16

Thanks all. I spent a fortune with the solicitor and he plays the game so very well. Technically I could take him back to court as he blatantly lied about so much in terms of assets and his intended living set up, but the stress vs the outcome after court costs are really not worth it.

I'm so conscious about not showing my anger to the kids. They deserve a carefree childhood but it's so hard to keep the mask on all the time. I saw my eldest nudge the youngest to stop talking as they were reeling off the latest "daddy's amazing xyz....." and at that moment I felt like I'd failed.

It is so hard as I'm a heart on the sleeve person. You read so much about how damaging parents behaviour is to children. But bloody hell am I being pushed.

OP posts:
VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 23/03/2022 11:21

Sorry, can't help...my ex has his moments, but is mostly a wart on the nose of my existence and I'm not great at hiding that opinion either.

The paying the bare minimum of child maintenance and pleading poverty whilst buying cars and holidays and supporting his partner to barely work for no good reason when he chivvied me out the door when our DD was 18 weeks old. The fact he gets all the time in the world to do what the fuck he wants as DD doesn't do overnights, whilst I shoulder the brunt of the responsibility and practicalities for our child.

What really boils my piss is him doing things/behaving in a way with his new partner (well he met her online a week after I told him I wanted a divorce, having been begging me to reconsider for 4 months Hmm) in a way that, had he done so with me, things may have worked out differently.

To me it's an indicator that he probably didn;t love me for a long time and certainly didn't respect me...yet he manipulated me to staying in a miserable. controlling marriage purely for the sake of his financial security and image.

Twat.

Apologies for the rant...if you find a solution (that doesn't involve re-laying my patio) feel free to PM me.

Momicrone · 23/03/2022 11:22

But ultimately you want them to have a good relationship with their dad

BlingLoving · 23/03/2022 11:22

While I agree that not showing your anger is probably healthy, I really don't understand why women twist themselves up in knots to try and stop the kids from seeing the truth of their fathers. I see it with SIL too - she's so busy protecting her ex that she's forgotten her priority is the children.

OP - obviously, ranting and raving is great. But I really don't think you have to be pleased for him or that you have to pretend everything is fine. depending on the age of the children, why can't you just ignore it or, if children are older, make the point that it's great daddy has all this and its a pity you don't have it at yours. I see it time and time again, the woman can barely make ends meet and yet that is blamed on her while the man, with kids just EOW, barely covering maintenance and all the usual trappings of being a man and earning more etc etc, is seen as this super cool, fun, successful person. Bollocks to that.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:26

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty YES. He has gone from becoming an all consuming heartbreak to an intermittent irritant. The wart on the nose is perfect. You can get on with your day but then just notice it and gahhhh.

Sorry, he sounds as selfish as my ex. Lots of boiling piss here too.

I just want a zen tactic that shields my children from it. And event that makes me cross as i think I'm STILL covering his ass/poor life choices

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 23/03/2022 11:27

@Momicrone

But ultimately you want them to have a good relationship with their dad
You see, this is what I don't get. Of course you want them to have a good relationship with their dad.... if their dad is going to be a good, reliable dad. But, one has to assume that a man who has done everything he can to get out of paying for his children, flitted off when (I assume) his wife and DC needed him because he wanted to be with someone else etc, is unlikely to have a long term good relationship with the DC.

I'll bet good money that OP's ex is unreliable, doesn't see the DC that often etc.

Quite frankly, helping the children to be realistic about their dad's reliability seems sensible to me. SIL won't admit this but one of the reasons she's not insisting BIL move out super fast is because she is 100% aware that once he's gone he will, at best, see their DC every week or so. There will be no overnights. There will be no trips to anywhere. Nothing. At least when he's in the house they have dinner with him (prepared by her) a couple of times a week.....

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:31

"I see it time and time again, the woman can barely make ends meet and yet that is blamed on her while the man, with kids just EOW, barely covering maintenance and all the usual trappings of being a man and earning more etc etc, is seen as this super cool, fun, successful person. Bollocks to that."

Yup. But I can't seem to think what would be the best approach to not entirely screw the kids up or make them think their dad is the beast he is.

I'm drinking a lot of poison on his behalf so he can live his jolly life, but on the other hand i don't want the children to suffer in any way, yet I also want some validation too. Tricky.

OP posts:
VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 23/03/2022 11:31

@Cherry55 I'm sorry you're dealing with this shite too. I have a few divorced friends and think it's pretty standard tbh.

In my case I'm sure he's sometimes difficult as a way of punishing me for having the temerity to divorce him.

Ahhhhhbisto · 23/03/2022 11:33

That is really tough OP. I agree with lots of posters saying that you shouldn't have to shield your children from the truth but my parents divorced when I was young. One parent spent their time pointing out all of the others faults, one remained neutral.

As an adult I have so much more respect for the neutral parent.

BlingLoving · 23/03/2022 11:33

Yup. But I can't seem to think what would be the best approach to not entirely screw the kids up or make them think their dad is the beast he is.

I'm not saying portray him as a beast. But I do think it is not up to you to LIE to your children to make him out to be a good guy when he isn't. That's just going to backfire on you down the line, "but you said Daddy love us and will always be there for us so why is he refusing to help pay for college when he's just bought himself a new porsche?"

Pigsears · 23/03/2022 11:33

Nothing of value to add other than I know it's hard not to be bitter- and sounds like you are doing a great job.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:34

Actually their dad is very reliable and by the book in terms of their EOW schedule. He will not however disclose his earnings to me and point blank refused to offer an annual proof of earnings. That i am going tfor a CMS annual calculation for. He would do anything to avoid paying more than the bare minimum.

No help with school trips/uniform etc whist he prats about with new cards, massive house etc...

That makes the tongue biting harder

OP posts:
Bellyups · 23/03/2022 11:35

Bide your time op. Trust me, if he’s anything like my ex (dc father), your dc will think differently about him at some point. People used to tell me that. That when they are older they’ll see him for what he is/has done. And they have.

You don’t have to be positive, just neutral is fine.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:37

@Ahhhhhbisto was the neutral parent the one at any fault out of interest? I can also se this pan out that he can be as neutral as possible as he has to cover his tracks whilst I have been the one properly "done too" so it is harder for me. Also I am under strain with managing everything on my own and all the day-to-day childcare really. He can be the happy clappy one as he has the beauty of time on his hands.

I really worry about this and my future relationship with the children.

OP posts:
LovelaceBiggWither · 23/03/2022 11:37

We instituted a rule that what happened in each household stays in that household. It worked well but she was a teen by the time I'd had enough of our relationship details being fed back to her mother and I suspect her mother felt the same way.

BlingLoving · 23/03/2022 11:41

No help with school trips/uniform etc whist he prats about with new cards, massive house etc...

How old are your children? I don't think it's worth responding to, for example, a new house announcement with, "Great, but pity we don't even have enough money for uniforms." But I do think it's okay to say when your children want something you can't afford, "I'm sorry, I can't afford that new coat/new shoes etc - why don't you ask your dad." And if they complain that you never have money, to factually point out that you earn less, have higher costs and you have 4 people to look after etc.

Obviously you run the risk that the moment THEY ask he delivers and you get to look like the cheapie parent again. But children, teenagers especially, aren't stupid. Over time, they'll figure it out. They'll probably go through a phase of playing you off against each other. But at some point they'll realise that you were the one who was there for them.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:42

@BlingLoving "But I do think it is not up to you to LIE to your children to make him out to be a good guy when he isn't. That's just going to backfire on you down the line, "but you said Daddy love us and will always be there for us so why is he refusing to help pay for college when he's just bought himself a new porsche?""

I honestly can't be honest with the kids whilst they are young. That would shatter their world. He puts up such a convincing facade but I'm thankful for it in a lot of ways when it comes to them.

I guess if he (and he will) refuses to help out as they get older and bills get bigger, I will be honest with them then but they will be older and more able to process that. Hopefully it will push him to paying his way as he likes to be seen as the good guy. "mummy is happy to pay half for the school trip darling but ask daddy for the other half" etc...

OP posts:
Ahhhhhbisto · 23/03/2022 11:42

[quote Cherry55]@Ahhhhhbisto was the neutral parent the one at any fault out of interest? I can also se this pan out that he can be as neutral as possible as he has to cover his tracks whilst I have been the one properly "done too" so it is harder for me. Also I am under strain with managing everything on my own and all the day-to-day childcare really. He can be the happy clappy one as he has the beauty of time on his hands.

I really worry about this and my future relationship with the children.[/quote]
No actually! I think my DM was in defence mode after the marriage breakdown (her fault) so she would point out my DF's faults to make herself feel justified.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:43

"But at some point they'll realise that you were the one who was there for them"

I really hope so because I genuinely am and always will be.

OP posts:
Ahhhhhbisto · 23/03/2022 11:44

Oh and myself and my sister could see the truth for ourselves as we grew up. I imagine my dad did alot of tongue biting.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 23/03/2022 11:44

@Ahhhhhbisto thanks for replying. Interesting! That actually makes me feel a bit better and motivates me to tongue bite a bit more!

OP posts: