To still be annoyed hearing about my exh!!!

[Cherry55]

I'm done. I've done the therapy, I've done the acceptance, I've worked on myself and my career to look me and the kids. Ive even got a lovely man. I've got us back on our feet after being left by exh for ow and a whole trunk of lies and hideousness that could warrant a netflix series.

But by jeszzz I am done biting my tongue when the kids tell me, and this is weekly, about daddy's new car, new extension, new job, the ow new thus and that even...he's the actual devil incarnate and deserves nothing.

It's so lovely to have the headspace and I go days without a second thought to him now but its tough having it dished to you from your lovely children and you have to keep frankly saintly about it.

So hard!!! He pays us the bare minimum and I work my butt off and do pretty much all the childcare so it galling.

Can I ask your tongue biting techniques because I'm ashamed to say sometimes, not often, my happy for daddy mask slips.

Tell your ex that you cannot afford xyz so it is up to him to pay it or the kids will go without. Tell him that the kids aren't stupid so they will put 2 and 2 together - see him with a lavish lifestyle and their mum not.

My ex doesn't pay me anything so the kids know to go to him for stuff.

Why don't you propose 50:50 so you have half the costs and half the childcare?

Kids are very perceptive, they know who's taking care of them, especially when they get to be teenagers. My exH is useless, he became useless overnight when he left for the ow and his life imploded in ways he hadn't anticipated in the fantasy world he'd created in his head. My DC don't need me to tell them he's useless.

I've never managed to get information from my exH about his income, but I don't think what he pays is very far below the minimum and horror stories about CMS stopped my pursuing it. He always seems to be skint, which is nice.

@Eeksteek good job IMO.

I think the truth in a calm but honest way serves children better.

daddy's new car, new extension, new job,

'Pity he won't pay child maintenance for his own children'.

My fairy godmother is knitting me a voodoo doll to deal with my abusive exH. I've ordered some 6"nails for when it's done. My dad always said when in doubt use a 6" nail.

single mum of 1 on benefits, I dont bite my tongue at all, my child hates his father more then I do.

@billy1966 serves him right. Your friend sounds wonderfully dignified and a great mother.

@Greyarea12 This is exactly how I feel. Then i get disappointed at the slip. Then angry I have to play a part. Repeat.

it’s not easy at all @Retireready

@boldmove Karma is taking wayyy too long here :(

@PixiKitKat That’s so sad though. Sorry.

@lonelydad2022Because I love my kids, wanted a family and made a promise of which I didn’t break. Plus I don’t see them as pay per view like so many dads do - exactly as per your response! It is hard but I have stepped up to the plate. You’re diverting from the topic of this post.

DiamondBright - ha!

Just to echo PPs that the DC will realise in their own time what he’s like.

My eldest SDC has been NC with his mum for nearly 3 years now and the younger two SDC are very low contact (about an hour once every six months).

She’s never paid a penny towards them (she split from DH 15 years ago). Made every excuse not to see them (going for a run, or couldn’t cope with getting up early to get them to school, or too tired, or ill, etc etc). When eldest was in ICU for 2 weeks she came once and then left him completely alone without telling us. In the three months he was recovering at home she never texted him once to ask how he was. He had no time for her after that. She can’t even be arsed to get them birthday or Xmas cards and just sends them £20.

She refused to work more than 16 hours a week and said she couldn’t afford to pay for the DC, but still managed to get lip fillers, nail extensions etc.

Some bio parents are just a waste of space.

@Ahhhhhbisto

Oh and myself and my sister could see the truth for ourselves as we grew up. I imagine my dad did alot of tongue biting.

Twenty-plus years later, my adult child, with whom I have a brilliant relationship, has recently told me he knows exactly who and what his father is (my child's partner then joined in the conversation and said "yes, a piece of shit"). It was not easy, and tbh I am still financially not in the best situation compared with ex, but my life is good! when people told me my child would one day "realize" I did not think it was possible. It is!

I must say when we were dealing with social workers to try and sort out visitation they encouraged me not to say bad things about the ex, that encouraged me to defend him saying he cant help it, he's mental etc that just wound my son up more, he was much happier when I agreed with him yes your father is a bastard, just be honest with kids, they have eyes.

You sound like a great mother yourself.

That story is 45+ years old and the first time I had heard that marriages broke up and divorced! He had an affair with a neighbour and everyone knew it was going on except her mum.
Just awful.
And very humiliating.
She was a fantastic teacher too.
They were a very happy family up until that time.

Some men are just scum.
He had 20 years in a nursing home with few visitors.
His family were seriously unimpressed with him too.

What you can do is say to the children "sorry darling, mummy can't afford that, but you could ask Daddy" on a loop, with a big smile.

Why not. Let him say No.

Stay strong