To still be annoyed hearing about my exh!!!

[Cherry55]

I'm done. I've done the therapy, I've done the acceptance, I've worked on myself and my career to look me and the kids. Ive even got a lovely man. I've got us back on our feet after being left by exh for ow and a whole trunk of lies and hideousness that could warrant a netflix series.

But by jeszzz I am done biting my tongue when the kids tell me, and this is weekly, about daddy's new car, new extension, new job, the ow new thus and that even...he's the actual devil incarnate and deserves nothing.

It's so lovely to have the headspace and I go days without a second thought to him now but its tough having it dished to you from your lovely children and you have to keep frankly saintly about it.

So hard!!! He pays us the bare minimum and I work my butt off and do pretty much all the childcare so it galling.

Can I ask your tongue biting techniques because I'm ashamed to say sometimes, not often, my happy for daddy mask slips.

Take it to the CMS and let them sort out how much he should be paying for his children. Once that's sorted you'll know you've done what you can. It might not be as fair as it could be but you'll have done your bit. Comparison is the thief of joy, so stop thinking about his new extension etc. There's nothing to be gained from it.

This probably won't go down well but I told my children that I didn't want to know what happened when they were with dad. I wanted to know if they had a good time, but I wasn't interested in what dad was doing, what OW was doing, nothing like that. It saved my sanity, because my heart would break each time they told me about what they did with dad and OW and how wonderful it was.
It's been much better now they're older and now so much time has passed. It does get better eventually.

Makes sense really, there are ways of saying it. It helps them realise the connection between the two of you is over.

Do you think your dc won't know in time the truth? My exh flashed the cash. Cash he fleeced off him dm. 40k. They were free range dc.

They went nc with him at 12 and 14. Lack of parenting. Their words.
New this.
New that.
Same old cunt..

@Bellyups

Bide your time op. Trust me, if he’s anything like my ex (dc father), your dc will think differently about him at some point. People used to tell me that. That when they are older they’ll see him for what he is/has done. And they have.

You don’t have to be positive, just neutral is fine.

This.

Agree with @BlingLoving

OP, children mature and they eventually get it.
They eventually know.

In one case a son just straight out asked his mother at 14 how much his Dad gave a month.
She had told him unfortunately the school ski trip just couldn't happen as she couldn't afford it.

Everytime he saw his father at his new house with other woman he asked the cost of something and then said " and you give mum only X for me a month".

He has said it to his GP's, he has said it at family dinners, at a BBQ, it just pops out!

It actually is funny because he got away with it for 10 years after walking out on his first wife with OW, but his son now is now shaming him every other time they meet.

The father was very pissed off she told him and has asked that she get him to shut up, but she hadn't a notion of saying anything.

He is now saying all he has to do is ask if he needs something.

He has shamed him.

So the sooner you explain the math to your children the better IMO.

You can do this in a very calm manner with a smile, just explaining you are doing your best you can.

I don't believe they should be protected from his meanness.

I think you are wrong on this, sorry! I'm not saying tell the kids everything but make it very clear to them that you pay for them and you support them but daddy keeps his money for himself. My sister did just as you were doing because she didn't want her child to be upset or hurt by his father's feet of clay. Eventually she got tired of the line ' if you hadn't left daddy we would all be living together etc.' and told her teenage son the truth about his father's other woman and that he had chosen the other woman over them. The son was very upset that he felt his mother had lied to him all that time and finally began to see his father as the 'disney' dad that he is.

This was one reason why my DM deliberately didn't want DF to have access to us when they divorced when I was 5. Didn't help that DF was an alcoholic and his DP's tried to kidnap his first child from his first marriage.

I know it's hard but just bite your tongue no matter how hard it seems.

@billy1966 That son rocks. He's sticking up for his mother bless him!

How old are the children? There’s a big difference between slagging him off and reality of situation. Children aren’t daft. I wouldn’t sugar coat it. If he’s only giving you £100 a month and school trip letter is £500 be clear it’s you paying and money doesn’t grow on trees.

It isn't easy but remember that telling your children that one of their parents is awful will be internalised by them. Wait it out and they'll have perspective.

Bite your tongue in terms of gratuitously slagging him off but you are entitled to have qn emotional reaction imo.

Yanbu. I am sick to death of these men getting away with the bear minimum but still being seen as a "good" dad.
My ex is making the kids and myself homeless. He has used my mh to ensure that I am not getting a penny. We are walking away with literally nothing. While he is in the process of buying a big new house with his gf and her kids and going on fancy holidays.
My kids are teenagers and Im certainly not going to lie to them about why this stuff is happening. I hope the evil cunt dies a slow painful death.

I think it's entirely fair that they know that you need more financial help from daddy. PPs are right. They will see through him eventually and wonder why you hid this from them. Also take the advice that you don't want to know anything about his life, only that they have a good time with him. If he left you for the OW, they will find out. There's no point in biting your tongue too much.

Kids are primary school so so little still. I'm sure they will come to realise who he is and the circumstances of his current set up eventually. Saying that, I'd nominate him for an Oscar his acting is second to none along with his need to be perceived positively.

@MrsBerthaRochester I'm sorry. A lot of people will say how - get a good solicitor etc but having been through it it is very easy to be shafted even with the legal process. I can't believe how easy it is for some of these guys to live with themselves.

@SleeplessInEngland Well this was my take on it. But by heck it is SO HARD

It's so hard to find the right balance between gas lighting your dc that their dad is a good dad (because then they will think that's how being treated as good feels like) and creating issues in them where they see themselves as bad because dc internalise those sorts of emotions about their parents till around secondary school age.

I always went with a silly daddy approach and at around 13/14 was honest in that - yes your dad is shit but he's still your dad and you can't change him, this taught dc how to accept him as he is and not put those feelings back in themselves.

@Cherry55

Kids are primary school so so little still. I'm sure they will come to realise who he is and the circumstances of his current set up eventually. Saying that, I'd nominate him for an Oscar his acting is second to none along with his need to be perceived positively.

They grow up fast. DS is year 6 and has a good idea of this stuff already in the concept of overall finances and also from his friends whose parents are separated. DD is younger but already starting to get it. She announced happily to the party organiser at her birthday a few weeks ago, "yes, and mummy paid you £200 to come and do this party which is nice of her." Wanted to die.

I chose not to fight for even basic cm money. I went through CMS and he still didn't pay monthly. I dropped it. It wasn't worth the stress for me. I made do with my income and a few times a year I ask him to take dc clothes shopping. He does the birthday and Xmas main presents and school uniform. He likes paying for outwardly items as he gets to show off about being a good dad for clothing his dc. It honestly wasn't worth the drama chasing a few hundred quid a month even though I could barely make ends meet at times.

Because of this we actually get on on the surface of things. I don't get involved in any drama whatsoever. If my dc left a school book at his I went and collected it. I never got involved in anything that he did or didn't do. If he forgot to pick them up, again no drama. I refused to let him drag me down and adjusted myself, so say he forgot to pick them up my mindset was YES I get to have a lovely weekend with my dc, or if I had plans I'd take them to his mums house and let her deal with getting him to actually bloody parent.

But they're older now. We get on, they know what he's like and it hasn't impacted their self worth. They aren't negative about him and they aren't in a fantasy land thinking he's amazing when he's not.

@SleeplessInEngland

It isn't easy but remember that telling your children that one of their parents is awful will be internalised by them. Wait it out and they'll have perspective.

I definitely agree that slagging him off in anger is a complete No no.

But if a woman is asked why we haven't this, or can't do that, I think she can answer in a truthful age appropriate way without anger.

I don't think it is right that the children are shielded from the reality of the fact that their mother pays for most of their lives and their father contributes a small amount and they have to live with that amount.

You can do that without anger.
A pure statement of fact that if kids are 10+, they can understand.

My school friends father walked out for another woman when she was 12 and despite her teacher mother doing her best it was a different life for them financially.

He stayed with the OW for 10 years until she dumped him within 18 months of whe he developed arthritis.

His OW's children were never that to him as they loved their own Dad, so they didn't stay in touch.

He then started reaching out to his 3 original children for support.

My school friend and her siblings were 20-25 and busy with their own lives and never allowed him back into their lives, he was kept at a distance.
Polite, kind, friendly, but absolutely at a distance.

He wasn't there for them except one night a forthnight for several years throughout their teens and less again in their late teens.

They were used to not seeing him and had no interest in their busy 20's to make extra space now he suddenly had time.

He ended up in a nursing for many years because of his arthritis before his death.

I don't think for a second that would have happened with his first wife.

Her three children are very successful professionally, adored her, and she was at the very centre of all their lives with her grandchildren, right up to her death.

She never ever said a bad word about her ex husband, but she did explain the new financial reality to her children.
She refused to feel guilt and shame for something that was not within her control.

I hear you. As hard as I try I also have let the mask slip a few times but on other occasions I have also defended him (where he doesn't deserve it) and I have played the .. oh wow that's great act. For me I find what works is to divert the conversation. I acknowledge what is said then move on as quickly as possible. Someone said it gets better and it definitely does.

@Cherry55 I hear you and it echos my situation entirely, although I don't think I am as saintly as you when it comes to holding my tongue about the finances...I do try...but it is difficult when his shiny 'perfect' new life is on parade.

He'll get his comeuppance one day maybe not for a long time. Don't say anything. My friends dh was an absolute arsehole and would always put her down to her dcs. She said nothing about him. Years later they saw him for what he really was and don't have anything to do with him. I'm not saying that will happen but karma comes along and bites you in the bum when you least expect. Just be glad not to be with him and are with someone better.

I realised what a loser my dad was when I was about 13/14. I did the same as the other posters kid and called him out on his shitty maintenance payments to my mother. I just cut him off though and haven't seen him again since. Don't need a loser father in my life.

I’m not sure it’s healthy to shield children from poor fathering. It raises them to be, or to expect, poor fathers to their own children. Which is not the same as filling their ears with poison, but being factual about how Dad’s are not stepping up with the next generation must be the first step to making it socially unacceptable to be such a crap father.

I had to have a frank conversation with my SIX YEAR OLD about how daddy was an alcoholic and while we don’t necessarily vilify alcoholism, we do need to have a healthy relationship with alcohol ourselves, and have very strong boundaries with alcoholics. I drip fed her for years about how he loved her as much as he was able and it was a coping mechanism, but that people do move beyond them and can recover, and his problems were his and not hers. I couldn’t bear the thought of her growing up feeling sorry for him, and maybe getting taken advantage of by him emotionally or financially later. He’d already proved he was capable of it. I was honest, but empathetic about both his failings and his good points. It’s hard and I’m not sure I got it right, but I don’t see why I should make him look good when he was a shit, and I did all the hard work of parenting. Nor do I feel its fair to demonise him when we had good years, too. Like most people, he had good and bad traits and he has to live with the consequences of what he did, which was to love the bottle more than his family. If the consequences are his family does not love or trust him as much as they otherwise might have, that wasn’t ever in my control and I don’t feel I owe it to him to let him off living with that by concealing it. Especially as I would be ‘getting the blame’ for breaking up the family if it was concealed. And that’s not on at all. He’d have been the first to badmouth me to DD and pretend he liked a drink, but was basically a good dad. Readers, he was not. I want DD to expect a great deal more from any partner she takes up with, and I can’t promote that by pretending her Dad was OK.

I realise this is an extreme example, but it comes to same thing. If he’s trying to step up and do better, by all means give credit. And the relationship between the two of you probably shouldn’t be discussed with kids, but his role as a father is one he chose to fulfil poorly, and he doesn’t get to pretend it didn’t happen, even if he is doing better now.