Is she taking the p**s or am I being unreasonable?

[Kab3042]

Mil likes fo book spontaneous holidays. Not so much the last couple years due to covid.. but is starting up again! She has two dogs who she really couldn't give a crap about tbh. Better if she re homed them.

In the past she's asked us to have her dogs because she's going away in say 3 days time.. all very last minute. Years ago we could have them but it was a total pain as they are very large dogs and needy, snappy at times etc.

we've since then we've had kids and we have our own dog now who isn't keen on other dogs since being attacked by our neighbours dog so it's a definite no but she still asks!

We can't have them here but dp is a pushover and has gone to stay over there (different town so 20 minutes away) for the time she's on holiday meaning between work and two kids with sen, it's a bloody nightmare. Last time it was 2 weeks.

Another time she actually booked kennels. But didn't book them until 2 days after she left for holiday. She just sprung it on us that she was going away the next day and could we take them to the kennels in 3 days time - miles away!! We did it but then we turned up, turns out she hadn't booked them in for a couple days after that again then paperwork was checked she hadn't had their vaccines updated to be able to stay in kennels. So again Dp had to stay at his mums for 2 weeks. Me at home with two kids with sen juggling life.

Dp obviously had no choice as the dogs cannot be left for long. He'd leave them to go work then go back there for the night. He'd come home for an hour each night to help get the kids to sleep. I was not working at the time but still a total pain in the asshole.

She's going away again. She's got her other son to take care of them this time but it's not the dogs she's asked for this time. But her other son is useless and leaves doors open so they usually escape so again we will be out looking for them and taking over I expect.

Shes going on holiday Friday. She's asked us to take her car for repair work whilst she's gone (going in her dh'a car to the airport). So we have to drive to hers, drive to the garage with me following on behind so I can drive Dp home. Then go get it again later in the day! Potentially take it back if any more repairs. Bloody nightmare. Surely her car can wait til she's home to it herself?

It's not just running errands. Feel like it's taking the mickey. She doesn't do a huge deal for us (not that I expect her to!). She knows we have a lot on our plate at the minute with work and kdis (eldest has severe learning difficulties and youngest has some degree of sen). Work, school, appointments etc.

Also asked if we can drive around her other son too (dp's bother) He drives himself but hasn't got a car at the minute.

It's the last minute thing that gets me. She's literally like I'm going on holiday in 3 days, can you do this! Etc. I'm certain she would not do the same for us!

The car is straight forward you need to say no. Sorry mil we can't take your car in when you're away, you'll have to rebook it when you're back.

You also need to be clear with bil. Please bil take more care with the dogs, they could be seriously hurt if you allow them to escape. Although I completely get if anything did happen you would really need to help find them, you certainly shouldn't take over care.

You can say no to all of it.
Problem solved.

@moose62
"If she leaves them again with just the door open, ring the RSPCA. Then the problem will be solved as the dogs will be taken, rehomed and given a decent life."

The dogs will be put down after seven days. They are large, snappy dogs who aren't used to children. They won't be rehomed. If the MIL says that the OP's DH was looking after them, then the neglect is on them.

OP, you need a conversation with her now. You make it clear that there will be no dog sitting. She can sacrifice one holiday and get the vaccinations needed for kennels. All other favours stop, you both have too many responsibilities. How old are the dogs now? Make it clear that when they die they aren't to be replaced.

Giving you the good old mumsnet line ‘you don’t have a mil problem you have a dh problem’.
Your issue is that your husband goes to live at your mil house leaving you to deal with everything.

She’s taking the piss. It would be fair enough for her to expect help if she were on her own, but if she has another son and a husband at home, there’s no good reason why she has to rely on one of her sons so much.

Oh just stop it, book the dogs into kennels yourself and she can pick them up when she pays the bill. Don't taxi the brother (!), etc. The more you do the more she'll take and the more she'll expect and demand.

The problem with saying no about the dogs, is that she literally tells us 3 days before the dogs need somewhere to go. We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before. Not the dogs fault. We would have them here but not fair on my dog.

but you can say no - you say MIL we cannot have them, dh cannot come to your house, and the dogs cannot be left alone. Cancel your holiday.
If you don't we call RSPCA on day 1 and tell them you are away for 2 weeks and have left the dogs.

Then stick to it.

I would give her warning. Tell her when she gets back from this holiday that you can never ever have her dogs or facilitate dh being there. that she needs to book dog sitters etc in advance. That if she books a holiday without sorting dogs, you'll report her to RSPCA.
Say it, say it firmly, mean it and follow through.

Funnily enough you'll only have to do it once.
All other requests (car/garage/brother etc) are just a simple no.
If brother can't get transport, he can stay with a friend for the week.

Wow, she's taking the Mickey big time!!
She must've been waited on all of her life to ask all this of you.
I'm stunned.
Perhaps let the dogs 'run away' to a new home if they accidentally get let out.
Gosh your DP really needs to start saying no to his DM.

Your MIL appears to have poor organisational skills in that she leaves everything to the last minute.
You and your DH also need to up your own game with regards to your own life planning because she has been allowed to spring this on you several times.
Get organised to prevent another next time.
As soon as she comes back, tell her in no uncertain terms that neither you nor DH will be picking up her pieces ever again to accommodate another one of her holidays ….last minute or not. Tell her what she has been doing is treating you with contempt. Explain exactly how it negatively impacts the lives of your own family unit while she swans off without a care in the world.
It’s a crazy way to carry on and can easily be prevented without falling out. No idea why this can’t be sorted with some proper organisation and forward planning … like most people have to do all the time.

As per PP your DH needs to tell his mum no, no putting the car in, no to running around his DB and no to ever looking after the dogs again. He needs to tell her something along the lines of, "Kab and my DC need me at home. It's not fair on my family for me to watch your dogs. If you go away without arranging a dog sitter or kennels I won't be looking after them. I will call the RSPCA/pound (insert correct name) to make sure they aren't left without care, but that's the extent of any future involvement we will have with the care of your dogs'".

She gives you 3 days notice because it creates an artificial "emergency" which makes it harder for you as reasonable people to say no. However its worked, and so she's established it as a pattern and will keep doing it.
I agree with the pp who said tell MIL upfront as clearly as possible and without emotive language, that from now on you will not be doing these things, then she has less excuse to call you with "an emergency"

She gives you 3 days notice because it creates an artificial "emergency" which makes it harder for you as reasonable people to say no.

this 100%