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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she taking the p**s or am I being unreasonable?

88 replies

Kab3042 · 22/03/2022 12:36

Mil likes fo book spontaneous holidays. Not so much the last couple years due to covid.. but is starting up again! She has two dogs who she really couldn't give a crap about tbh. Better if she re homed them.

In the past she's asked us to have her dogs because she's going away in say 3 days time.. all very last minute. Years ago we could have them but it was a total pain as they are very large dogs and needy, snappy at times etc.

we've since then we've had kids and we have our own dog now who isn't keen on other dogs since being attacked by our neighbours dog so it's a definite no but she still asks!

We can't have them here but dp is a pushover and has gone to stay over there (different town so 20 minutes away) for the time she's on holiday meaning between work and two kids with sen, it's a bloody nightmare. Last time it was 2 weeks.

Another time she actually booked kennels. But didn't book them until 2 days after she left for holiday. She just sprung it on us that she was going away the next day and could we take them to the kennels in 3 days time - miles away!! We did it but then we turned up, turns out she hadn't booked them in for a couple days after that again then paperwork was checked she hadn't had their vaccines updated to be able to stay in kennels. So again Dp had to stay at his mums for 2 weeks. Me at home with two kids with sen juggling life.

Dp obviously had no choice as the dogs cannot be left for long. He'd leave them to go work then go back there for the night. He'd come home for an hour each night to help get the kids to sleep. I was not working at the time but still a total pain in the asshole.

She's going away again. She's got her other son to take care of them this time but it's not the dogs she's asked for this time. But her other son is useless and leaves doors open so they usually escape so again we will be out looking for them and taking over I expect.

Shes going on holiday Friday. She's asked us to take her car for repair work whilst she's gone (going in her dh'a car to the airport). So we have to drive to hers, drive to the garage with me following on behind so I can drive Dp home. Then go get it again later in the day! Potentially take it back if any more repairs. Bloody nightmare. Surely her car can wait til she's home to it herself?

It's not just running errands. Feel like it's taking the mickey. She doesn't do a huge deal for us (not that I expect her to!). She knows we have a lot on our plate at the minute with work and kdis (eldest has severe learning difficulties and youngest has some degree of sen). Work, school, appointments etc.

Also asked if we can drive around her other son too (dp's bother) He drives himself but hasn't got a car at the minute.

It's the last minute thing that gets me. She's literally like I'm going on holiday in 3 days, can you do this! Etc. I'm certain she would not do the same for us!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kab3042 · 22/03/2022 14:04

The problem with saying no about the dogs, is that she literally tells us 3 days before the dogs need somewhere to go. We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before. Not the dogs fault. We would have them here but not fair on my dog.

As for the car, we don't intend to do it! Dp has told her his brother can do it and sure he can find a mate to get him a lift home as his brother has no kids or other responsibilities and lives in with his mum so he's right bloody there (he wasn't able to look after dogs previously as was either with mil or living away, he's more recently come back!)

She's also asked Dp to fix things around hwr despite that she has a able bodied husband (not elderly) and a son at home who does that kind of thing as a living. Dp wouldn't mind and would do stuff to help out but he doesn't have so much time as his stepdad or brother! His stepdad and brother are bone idle!

OP posts:
incognitoforthisone · 22/03/2022 14:06

If she left the dogs alone for a weekend, just with the door open so they could go out, I'd honestly have phoned the RSPCA.

She is massively taking the piss but because your DH keeps saying yes to these demands, she assumes you're OK with it and will keep doing it. She sounds like a feckless nightmare in general to be honest, but either way your DH really needs to have a serious word with her. Not just about the last-minute demands for help but about the care of the dogs in general. As you say, she clearly doesn't give a shit about them and they would be better off rehomed with someone who can cope with them.

nearlyspringyay · 22/03/2022 14:14

You need to learn to say no to her. She'll carry on taking the piss out of you forevermore

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 14:15

Why do people that own dogs find it so difficult to find dog kennels or pet sitters.

They’re not your problem, she will fix the problem when you both say no. If she wants to leave her dogs alone for 2 wks that’s gonna be her that gets in trouble for neglecting them, you’re not responsible for them she is.

Thewindwhispers · 22/03/2022 14:18

Yanbu. Someone needs to have a huge row with her about how selfish she is. You’re looking after two SEN kids on your own plus your dog, so DH can have her dogs so she can have a holiday?! What a selfish MIL.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2022 14:19

The next time she asks, decline. Then report the dogs to the RSPCA if they are then left alone.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2022 14:19

You’re making excuses for letting her take the piss. I’m sure why.

It’s in your gift to stop the whole fucking farce. Find your voice and start sticking up for yourself.

Your partner needs to start being more worried about upsetting you and his children than his useless, unreliable, selfish, entitled mother and his feckless sibling. Start kicking back hard or this will go on forever.

IncompleteSenten · 22/03/2022 14:20

So then with 3 days to go she'd have to cancel her trip, wouldn't she?

She does this because she knows you'll go oh no we must step in for the dogs.

When what you should say is no we are not doing it and if you leave those dogs alone we will report you to the RSPCA.

Every piss taker needs a doormat. Sorry. She won't stop until your husband lets her suffer the actual consequences of her choices and that includes what happens when you abandon your animals...They are removed.

Sistanotcista · 22/03/2022 14:23

I’d do the same with the dogs as I’d also feel sorry for them. Re the car - can’t the son who drives but doesn’t have a car take the car to the garage and then drive it afterwards? No more lifts required then. Appreciate he would need to take a taxi there and back, but presumably that can be arranged?

PandoraVictoria · 22/03/2022 14:28

I'm outraged for you!!

Firstly - tell her in advance (before any holiday is booked). "Just want to make you aware that the next time you go away we won't be able to look after your dogs, that sort of care doesn't fit into our lives any more so we won't be able to help."

Then, if she pulls the same stunt (which she undoubtedly will), just reiterate what you've already said and stuck firm.

And as PP have said - if the dogs are left alone then call the dog warden and she can deal with it when she gets back. You can call anonymously.

Good luck!

Laniania · 22/03/2022 14:30

You lost two weeks of your husband's help to someone else's dog care?!

I get that you love dogs but you're not really helping them here; if you keep bailing out their proper owner she will never really take responsibility for them.

This woman is stealing your and your husband's time and attention from your children. If you won't stand up to her for you, do it for your kids. The more you give, the more she'll want.

Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 22/03/2022 14:30

We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before. Not the dogs fault. We would have them here but not fair on my dog

I think I’d be tempted to let her leave them then phone the rspca and report that the owner has gone away and left them.

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 14:32

She does it because you are all mugs and she knows it.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/03/2022 14:32

We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before.

If you didn't take them, she'd leave them for two weeks to starve?

moose62 · 22/03/2022 14:36

If she leaves them again with just the door open, ring the RSPCA. Then the problem will be solved as the dogs will be taken, rehomed and given a decent life.

MadinMarch · 22/03/2022 14:37

I am guessing that "that generation" is my generation or a bit younger and surprise! we also commuted had kids and struggled with work life balance....don't put other people's cheeky fuckery on me and my contemporaries

@Godmum56
I totally agree!
I just don't recognise the life I was supposed to have lived many years ago according to many on Mn!
It infuriates me!

Tdcp · 22/03/2022 14:41

If she goes on holiday and leaves the dogs alone then ring the rspca and tell them that. It's not down to you to make sure her dogs are fed/ watered/ walked / alive, especially when you're not happy to... It's hers. Stop letting her use you both.

LagunaBubbles · 22/03/2022 14:46

The problem with saying no about the dogs, is that she literally tells us 3 days before the dogs need somewhere to go. We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before

So you have said several times. She relies on you not wanting the dogs left alone so has zero incentive to change. They arent your responsibility. If she leaves them alone report her.

AlisonDonut · 22/03/2022 14:50

The problem with saying no about the dogs, is that she literally tells us 3 days before the dogs need somewhere to go. We don't want those dogs be left alone, she's done it before. Not the dogs fault.

Ok then look after them.

Or say 'no'.

It really is your choice here.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/03/2022 14:54

Just stop.

If her other son has been roped in to look after the dogs then great. Leave him to it. Let the dogs piss and shit all over her house if needs be. She shouldn't have dogs (or even goldfish) if she can't look after them and organise in good time someone to look after them in her absence. She isn't doing the last bit.

Your DP needs to stand up to his mother. What is the worst that could happen? She stops talking to you both and doesn't ask you to look after the dogs? That would be a win in my book!

tkwal · 22/03/2022 14:55

Reading your post at first I thought your MIL was widowed , but she's going to the airport in her dh's car ?. If she has a husband where is he in all this ? Is she some kind of Hyacinth Bucket with a worn down Richard who can't argue with her ? If he's your FiL it explains a lot about your husbands behaviour

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:00

Wow she has absolutely no respect for you and your DH’s time has she?!! She is taking you for granted big time, and your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and tell her that he will not be available when she clicks her fingers from here on in.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2022 15:07

"dp is a pushover"
Then take charge. Yes she's his mother, but so what? Her unreasonable behaviour causes you problems, so you are entitled to intervene.

You tell her that you don't appreciate her last-minute unreasonable requests, and from now on she is to assume that your joint response will always be 'no' so she's to stop asking. Her holidays are never to interfere with your life again. And that should she approach her son and get his agreement (because he's a wet lettuce) that you will overrule his agreement. You tell her that if she abandons her dogs again you will hand them to the RSPCA immediately.

She has a husband and a resident adult son, so I'd also be telling her to stop asking DP to do stuff for her around the house, DP has his own house and children to see to.

And if that puts her in a huff - good!

Probably a good idea to tell your DP this is what you're going to do first. He may well be relieved to have the responsibility taken from his shoulders - wet lettuces usually do.

Wren44 · 22/03/2022 15:10

Just tell her no from now on. You have a busy life to live. You don’t additionally need to be her personal assistant, running around managing her life. Honestly, you don’t owe her anything z

Andacherryonthetop · 22/03/2022 15:17

YABU to just keep bowing down to her and her ridiculous requests. Why do you think she’ll stop if you keep bailing her out all the time?

Just say no sorry we can’t. End of. If she leaves the dogs, anonymously call RSPCA. It is most definitely not your problem so stop acting like it is. You both need to put your foot down and say no to her otherwise nothing will change. She is a dick. But you are enabling her.