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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt by a text from 6 years ago sent by bil

58 replies

3Daddy31982 · 21/03/2022 18:08

It's a long (incredibly long) text sent from BIL phone. I don't know if it was written by him or his then fiancée. It called me "pathetic" because I went into his engagement party then went out. I'd forgotten the exceptionally expensive cakes bought off (professional baker).

It moaned I didn't talk to them (son was 4 months old and didn't sleep. Since diagnosed with adhd. I was shattered.

It said I'd blocked him on my now husbands phone. I hadn't. It was filled with venom. I'm basically the bad guy.

Some text i sent (absolutely zero idea) was moaned about.

She left him as he couldn't impregnate her and work is beneath her...

I just feel crap.

OP posts:
ClariceQuiff · 21/03/2022 18:11

It sounds like a horrible message. You say it was sent six years ago - do you still have contact with your BIL? If so, how are things between you?

Jedsnewstar · 21/03/2022 18:15

6 years ago and it could have been sent by fiancé who isn’t in the picture any more?

Why are you suddenly upset or though about this? What did your DH say at the time?

Georgeskitchen · 21/03/2022 18:18

I'm not sure I understand this. Have you been upset for 6 years about it?
Who left who?

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 21/03/2022 18:20

Do ADHD 4 month olds behave differently to non-adhd 4 month olds?

If you were tired with a young baby, did you actually go out afterwards?

It does sound rude that you didn't say hi to them. Being tired isn't an excuse. If I was ok enough to attend a gathering, I'd be able to walk a few metres over to the host to say hello.

That being said, they were foolish to text you like that as it's obvious it'll cause a divide in the family.

It was years ago though so you need to move on.

And what you say about "impregnating her" is very insensitive and rude. Loads of women here will have fertility issues and it's very stressful, no surprise it ruins some relationships. The way you say it sounds really nasty tbh.

GloriousGoosebumps · 21/03/2022 18:26

Can you give us more information? Did you reply to the text? Did bil ever mention the text and if so what did he say? How does bil treat you now?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 21/03/2022 18:30

If it’s 6 years ago why now is it upsetting you ? I’m sure it was upsetting but unless something has happened recently I don’t I understand.

Susu49 · 21/03/2022 18:30

What's going on in your life atm, op? I think there must be more to your situation and your feelings than a text sent 6 years ago. Do you find yourself ruminating on other things as well? Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 18:32

When did you see the text?
Recently or 6 years ago?

Original poster
3Daddy31982 · 21/03/2022 18:48

I guess it upsets me by the vitriol. I'd gone to their engagement as I wanted to and I was really exhausted. The baby cried from 6pm to 8am every night.

I don't know why it still hurts me. But it does. I'd meant the cakes nicely. I didn't mean to forget them.

Bil was at his last Fri. All OK. My life's grand. Shouldn't let it get to me but it does.

She came close to taking my husband off me. His family told him me or them. We've been married 6 yrs. She's single. I guess that text reminded me of how sad 😔 she made me and how close I came to losing husband and being a single mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
3Daddy31982 · 21/03/2022 18:50

Some of it made no sense then or now. You're right it's history. She's single. Karma?!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 21/03/2022 18:52

How could she make you a single mom? Is your dh easily influenced by his family?

Longbin · 21/03/2022 18:53

Your post makes you sound like an awful person. Why are you saying someone left someone as they couldn’t impregnate them? It barely makes sense and that has nothing to do with any text you would have received

MartinMartinMarti · 21/03/2022 18:54

Your comments about her infertility and singleness are vile.

Don’t go expecting sympathy for how you’ve been treated if you are going to be unpleasant yourself.

IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 18:58

Karma doesn't exist.

MajesticallyAwkward · 21/03/2022 19:00

Why are you still upset about a text 6 years ago? And the way you talk about these people is awful.

I'm not sure I understand any of it and the updates are creating more questions.
What has the BILs exs infertility got to with anything.
Why would 'she' nearly take your husband away? and how is that connected to his family not liking you?
Why wouldn't you just say hello at their engagement party?
Did you go out after the party? If you were so tired you couldn't say hello but still went out after that's really poor form.
What have the cakes got to do with anything?

TidyDancer · 21/03/2022 19:04

How long did you stay at the party? If you told them you were exhausted because of your baby but then went out I can see why they would be annoyed. And you didn't talk to them? Yes, that's very rude.

Your general comments about singleness and infertility are absolutely vile.

You're not covering yourself in glory on this one.

iheartmybeachhut · 21/03/2022 19:05

Tbh you come across as very judgemental and somewhat insenstive yourself op. So unless a massive drip feed is coming along yabu.

AchillesPoirot · 21/03/2022 19:07

Why are you ruminating over this so many years later?

iheartmybeachhut · 21/03/2022 19:08

Karma is an over used word and has nothing to do with 'what comes around goes around' ask any hindu or buddist.

extractorfactor · 21/03/2022 19:11

When you say you went out, do you mean you left the party to go home, or you left the party to go clubbing?
I don't understand the cakes? Did you eat some super expensive cake and forget to thank them?
Using the term impregnate is horrible you make her sound like a brood mare.
Does your husband have a wondering eye? Is he ruled by his dick? Is that why you are worried HE would go off with her?
Why are you still agonising over a text that's six year old?
Have you not spoken to your BIl for 6 years?
Sounds like you perhaps didn't behave very well, but I don't understand why they were petty either. No need to send you a text, if they didn't like your behaviour it would have been better for them to simply ignore it and go low contact with you.
You use the term vitriol but to be honest you sound very vitriolic about the ex fiancé.
You need to move on with your life, and perhaps work on your own social skills; it is rude to go to a party and not acknowledge the hosts, no matter how tired you are.

Mamagiraffe · 21/03/2022 19:11

OP I don't think the responses here are going to help you, as you probably will be a bit unreasonable due to rejection sensitive dysphoria. As someone on the ND pathway post motherhood too I get it. Sometimes you lash out at anything you can get a toehold on because you're full on traumatised. RSD will still feel just as strong to you now as if it happened yesterday. I don't have the answers unfortunately (still in the throes of some of my own) just wanted you to know that I understand a bit

NewtoHolland · 21/03/2022 19:18

It's a choice you make whether you are going to allow yourself to close the door on that hurt or invest your time in ruminating about it...I don't think you're being very reasonable to yourself holding on to it...and your bitterness towards her...maybe you could seek some counseling and work through some of this stuff so you can move forwards as I imagine this is impacting on you and your relationship too.

loveliesbleeding1 · 21/03/2022 19:20

How did she nearly take your Husband?

spacehardware · 21/03/2022 19:21

Shamelessly place marking

Toottooot · 21/03/2022 19:22

Did she shag your husband?

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