Dating again... But there's serious baggage

Manda2725 · 2022-03-21T14:22:28+00:00

Hi all, i need some help deciding what to do. I haven't dated for 11 years as my childrens father left me whilst pregnant and its taken me a long time to even want to trust a man again. Cutting straight to the point ive recently been on a date with a man my age. Hes secure financially (not that i care about money), smart, kind and has 2 children like me.... But!!!! He was married for 19 years to a woman he grew up with, the mother of his children. Their families are close and they still do stuff together with the kids as a family unit. He goes to her house and looks after their son on occasion and stays quite late. They split 3 years ago, he dated 2 women since her and the 1st his ex wife got jealous and convinced him they deserved another shot as a family, so he left his very understanding girlfriend and they went to councilling to try again. It lasted 6 months. She then dated a z list celebrity, got a boob job, and decided to try and get famous (shes a very attractive woman). The point of all this is is would you all be able to deal with your partner hanging out ans playing happy families with his ex like he does? Am i being silly wanting to give up dating him on the fear that she will beckon him back again if i fall for him (even though hes said that wouldn't happen). People easily lie and i dont know if he is telling the truth about being over her or not. Is it even worth the stress?? Vote yes for its worth it and no if you think its just too much baggage. Thank you all i appreciate it x

lemongreentea · 21/03/2022 14:26

too much baggage, find someone else to date. you sound lovely so shouldnt be hard to meet someone as uncomplicated and nice as yourself. his life sounds messy and so will yours soon if you carry on seeing him.

Pinksalty · 21/03/2022 14:31

I’m a person who still does occasional things with my childrens dad, ie bday lunches for them or I’ll stay for a coffee after drop off. But the difference is that neither of us have ever tried to get back together.
And, if I’m dating someone with kids, I think it can be a good thing for a parent to be able to maintain a good relationship with the mother of his children.
But, I’d be the same as you and worrying that he should go running back again if she asked!

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 21/03/2022 14:34

I agree, too much baggage here, sorry x

SailingNotSurfing · 21/03/2022 14:37

Hmm, wanting to become a z-list celebrity isn't a fantastic career aspiration, if that's what his ex is aiming for. It sounds as if he is being kept on the back burner, in case everything goes tits up again for her.

I'd be inclined to step aside and wait for the next unencumbered man to come along.

Onlyforcake · 21/03/2022 14:45

It sounds like you want a bit more time, someone more sure of what they want which is not unreasonable.

Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 14:55

Yes, that does concern me that ill be ij a messy situation. Like a 3rd wheel almost. Hes adamant thats not the case but i get along with my kids dad and we dont hang out or refer to ourselves as "a family" as they still do. I find it intimidating. Thank you. I hope i find someone nice

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Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 15:01

She was dating a z list celebrity that was extremely good looking and covered in tattoos... Another red flag is hes never had a tattoo in his life and all of a sudden wants full body and arm tattoos just like the guy his ex wife was sleeping with

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Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 15:01

Agreed

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Iamclearlyamug · 21/03/2022 15:06

Trust me - run away now. I had a similar situation last summer when I met a guy whose ex was an alcoholic (I don’t mean liked a drink, I mean had been in rehab twice, SS involvement with their kids and a police record after she threatened him with a knife)

I really liked this guy and he really liked me, but when he told her he was seeing someone new (after 18 months living apart) she went mad and instantly started alienating the kids saying their daddy wanted them to have a new mummy etc.

He eventually broke it off with me because, like your man previously, she convinced him they should try one more time to keep the family together.

I promise you it’s not worth it, the stress absolutely messed with my head so much! Find someone with less baggage!

Viviennemary · 21/03/2022 15:08

Do not get involved in this set up. Leave them to it.

TomAllenWife · 21/03/2022 15:10

Too much baggage

Me and xh still do parents evenings together or will see each other at rugby matches but that's enough
I've never understand families that break up and they still go on holiday together

Difficult ex wives can hold a lot of power when the children are young. I had an ex who darent introduce me to his children FOR 3 YEARS!

I love that my DP and his ex have very little contact as their children are mid to late teens and it's the same for me & my ex

Blanca87 · 21/03/2022 15:12

I would be put off that he only seems to parent his children at his ex house? Not exactly dad of the year is he? Why is that?

Philisophigal · 21/03/2022 15:12

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This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 15:13

Personally I couldn't do it. My last partner had had a relationship with a family member and even though they don't see each other since that relationship broke down it was always going to be messy seeing the extended family and noticing how they'd try to not mention her. He would have to arrange separate days to visit the parents and the whole family was divided. I'd never willingly get into a situation like that again as it's not wort the aggro of that person always being in the background; if their relationship goes tits-up are they going to lure him back again?

Dasher789 · 21/03/2022 15:37

I think it does cross the line here and yanbu but in general, I don't think maintaining good relations with the mother of your children is a bad thing. My parents are divorced but would include each other in 'family' events or occasions. Looking back to my childhood and not having that big divide between parents has been hugely beneficial. My DH's parents are divorced and have had no relationship since DH father found a new gf. Both DH and his sibling have done well for themselves but they do have a level of trauma which would seem to have resulted from the relationship between the parents and they feel totally shunted out of DH's dads 'new family'.

incognitoforthisone · 21/03/2022 15:58

@Manda2725

She was dating a z list celebrity that was extremely good looking and covered in tattoos... Another red flag is hes never had a tattoo in his life and all of a sudden wants full body and arm tattoos just like the guy his ex wife was sleeping with

Until this point I was thinking, 'Hmm, maybe he does just have a really nice, civilised, amicable relationship with the mother of his kids'. But now - yeah, I think there's baggage aplenty here and I'd end it I think. You can do better.

Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 16:44

@Blanca87

I would be put off that he only seems to parent his children at his ex house? Not exactly dad of the year is he? Why is that?

He does have his kids at his house too regularly, but his son has a broken leg so he went there the other night to watch that son whilst the other went football with the mother. However he wasn't home till 10 30pm which means he must have stayed for tea etc. He also moved back in during covid to parent together..... There was absolutely no need to do that as my ex was allowed to pick our kids up. Felt to me like an excuse to get back in there. She even dated a guy in dubai and thought about moving there... I said "wow, im guessing you'd take a court order to keep the kids im this country" and he said "my job allows me to work where i want so i was considering moving to dubai so his ex can be happy"

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Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 16:49

@Dasher789

I think it does cross the line here and yanbu but in general, I don't think maintaining good relations with the mother of your children is a bad thing. My parents are divorced but would include each other in 'family' events or occasions. Looking back to my childhood and not having that big divide between parents has been hugely beneficial. My DH's parents are divorced and have had no relationship since DH father found a new gf. Both DH and his sibling have done well for themselves but they do have a level of trauma which would seem to have resulted from the relationship between the parents and they feel totally shunted out of DH's dads 'new family'.

I agree.. My ex and i are civil for the kids sake and thats great. I love his girlfriend to bits, she's great. However we do not socialise together at all unless its something essential then his girlfriend comes anyway. I stalked looked at his social media to see what his ex wife and he were like together and there was a video of them clay pigeon shooting with their kids recently. The guy im dating was gassing his ex wife up about how good she was, saying she was on fire etc and she was loving it. Its all making me very paranoid

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PoshPyjamas · 21/03/2022 16:52

Yeah, no.

Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 16:52

@Philisophigal

In these circumstances, I would run a mile.

I think you are right... I tried to end it the other day (dating i mean, we aren't a couple yet) and he got quite shitty about it saying im an over thinker and that he has alot to offer and its a shame i can't see that etc. He has money and i dont, owns gus house, great job etc.. I couldn't care less. Id rather eat beans on toast for the rest of my life than settle. Money does not interest me

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PoshPyjamas · 21/03/2022 16:53

What, so he made out that you're not allowed to finish with him, because he's such a good catch

Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 16:56

@Iamclearlyamug

Trust me - run away now. I had a similar situation last summer when I met a guy whose ex was an alcoholic (I don’t mean liked a drink, I mean had been in rehab twice, SS involvement with their kids and a police record after she threatened him with a knife)

I really liked this guy and he really liked me, but when he told her he was seeing someone new (after 18 months living apart) she went mad and instantly started alienating the kids saying their daddy wanted them to have a new mummy etc.

He eventually broke it off with me because, like your man previously, she convinced him they should try one more time to keep the family together.

I promise you it’s not worth it, the stress absolutely messed with my head so much! Find someone with less baggage!

Im meeting him Thursday morning for a talk. I will be ending it. Its too much hassle. Makes me sad though as without the ex situation hes a catch.... Shame really

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futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 16:59

Oh don't worry about what they say at the end. Last time I got "I hope you find someone WITHOUT A PAST" (no, but anyone who hasn't bonked a family member and hidden a relationship with them shouldn't be a tall ask) and before that I got "no one will ever love you like I do, especially as you're a single mother" . Before that was my kid's dad who said "I hope every time you look into her eyes you have to think of me because she has MY EYES!". Seriously, they are just ego manic kids at heart.

Original poster

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:00

@PoshPyjamas

What, so he made out that you're not allowed to finish with him, because he's such a good catch

He said " i thought you were the one who was going restore my faith in relationships". Then said " i have alot to offer its a shame you cant see that" (ummmm so do, so i didn't understand the point of that) When i got offended by those comments he tried to made out i was taking them out of context and that he wasn't having a dig at me. He text me half eleven at night to say those things. I think he can't stand that a working class girl, single mum etc could possibly turn him down 😂😂.

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Steelesauce · 21/03/2022 17:03

Def turn him down, he sounds like hes got a massive inflated ego. Put him down a peg or 2 for his own sake