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Original poster

Dating again... But there's serious baggage

57 replies

Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 14:22

Hi all, i need some help deciding what to do.
I haven't dated for 11 years as my childrens father left me whilst pregnant and its taken me a long time to even want to trust a man again. Cutting straight to the point ive recently been on a date with a man my age. Hes secure financially (not that i care about money), smart, kind and has 2 children like me.... But!!!!
He was married for 19 years to a woman he grew up with, the mother of his children. Their families are close and they still do stuff together with the kids as a family unit.
He goes to her house and looks after their son on occasion and stays quite late.
They split 3 years ago, he dated 2 women since her and the 1st his ex wife got jealous and convinced him they deserved another shot as a family, so he left his very understanding girlfriend and they went to councilling to try again. It lasted 6 months. She then dated a z list celebrity, got a boob job, and decided to try and get famous (shes a very attractive woman).
The point of all this is is would you all be able to deal with your partner hanging out ans playing happy families with his ex like he does? Am i being silly wanting to give up dating him on the fear that she will beckon him back again if i fall for him (even though hes said that wouldn't happen).
People easily lie and i dont know if he is telling the truth about being over her or not.
Is it even worth the stress??

Vote yes for its worth it and no if you think its just too much baggage. Thank you all i appreciate it x

OP posts:
GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 17:05

That’s not ‘baggage’. He hasn’t even packed yet. He’s still enmeshed with her and sounds a bit pathetic/obsessed.

There is no way this could work out for you.

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:06

@futuremoneyinbank

Oh don't worry about what they say at the end. Last time I got "I hope you find someone WITHOUT A PAST" (no, but anyone who hasn't bonked a family member and hidden a relationship with them shouldn't be a tall ask) and before that I got "no one will ever love you like I do, especially as you're a single mother" Hmm. Before that was my kid's dad who said "I hope every time you look into her eyes you have to think of me because she has MY EYES!". Seriously, they are just ego manic kids at heart.
That made me chuckle..... Such good advice. Im a very sensitive soul and i could tell he was trying to hurt me and make me doubt myself and make me feel like tye typical "all women are psycho" . Im sensitive but not a push over though so i think he was shocked by my response. He also said the only reservation he had was that i had kids Grin..... He has two kids too ffs. And they're younger than mine!!! He said hes only dated single women so dating a woman with kids he doesn't know how that will work. I was obviously fuming and said "umm excuse me, but u have kids!" and "it sounds like you want someone who can drop everything when your free and come running to warm your bed". He said thats not the case at all and that i used his honesty against him which isn't fair
OP posts:
futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 17:08

Yeah, I'd be running too. My ex told me post split that he thought I didn't stand up for him enough...against my 9yo dd Grin. They want all the attention is all.

RantyAunty · 21/03/2022 17:16

One date and he's laid his entire life story on you. Did you have a chance to say anything or did he ask anything about you?

I wouldn't even bother meeting with him. You'll have to listen to him guilt trip you for not continuing to see him. Then you'll have another instalment of his ex dramas.

Send a polite text saying you're not a match then block.

averythinline · 21/03/2022 17:22

I wouldn't bother meeting either...waste of time
..can't believe he said you should think he's a catch .. sod that.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/03/2022 17:22

Definitely not. There is a difference between maintaining a good working relationship with an ex and this crap. My BF has the former with his ex and I love seeing it tbh, it is one of the things I really value. But there are boundaries, they communicate about the child and aren't enmeshed!

Bogeyes · 21/03/2022 17:26

Walk away

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:50

@GahAndTheBear

That’s not ‘baggage’. He hasn’t even packed yet. He’s still enmeshed with her and sounds a bit pathetic/obsessed.

There is no way this could work out for you.

You're right... He had me doubting my instincts. Made me feel like im over the top to feel the way i do
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:52

@RantyAunty

One date and he's laid his entire life story on you. Did you have a chance to say anything or did he ask anything about you?

I wouldn't even bother meeting with him. You'll have to listen to him guilt trip you for not continuing to see him. Then you'll have another instalment of his ex dramas.

Send a polite text saying you're not a match then block.

Im too nice thats the problem and because hes local to me i worry about what he will say about me.. Stupid i know. Cant go through life worrying about what people say/think. I need to harden up a bit. Ik easily made to feel things are my fault
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:55

@RantyAunty

One date and he's laid his entire life story on you. Did you have a chance to say anything or did he ask anything about you?

I wouldn't even bother meeting with him. You'll have to listen to him guilt trip you for not continuing to see him. Then you'll have another instalment of his ex dramas.

Send a polite text saying you're not a match then block.

I literally know everything about his wife. How they met when she was 17 and he was 19. He moved abroad and she wouldn't go so he came bk because he missed her ajd surprised her. I know her job, how her parents and his knew each other and are close. They even both have the same 1st name 😂😂🙈
OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 21/03/2022 17:55

Give him a chance OP.

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:56

@averythinline

I wouldn't bother meeting either...waste of time ..can't believe he said you should think he's a catch .. sod that.
Yeah..... Who does that? Im so glad you all agree. Had him making me feel like im not understanding and insecure
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 17:57

@Bogeyes

Walk away
👍👍
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 18:09

@LampLighter414

Give him a chance OP.
And hope he loves me more than the wife of 19 years he still pretends is his #family unit"... I dont think its a chance im willing to take. Having to try and fit in a family that is used to his ex wife... Too much stress and effort. I need an easy life
OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/03/2022 18:16

I think he was setting you up to be the backup, emergency girlfriend. Sod that.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 21/03/2022 18:25

@RantyAunty

One date and he's laid his entire life story on you. Did you have a chance to say anything or did he ask anything about you?

I wouldn't even bother meeting with him. You'll have to listen to him guilt trip you for not continuing to see him. Then you'll have another instalment of his ex dramas.

Send a polite text saying you're not a match then block.

I second not ever seeing him again. He sounds very rude and puts you down. I would text him saying you don’t think it’s working out and don’t want to see him again and block. Block immediately before he has a chance to reply so he doesn’t say anything else hurtful for you to even think about. The right person for you won’t be this tricky.
GahAndTheBear · 21/03/2022 19:07

@LampLighter414

Give him a chance OP.
Why?

There are loads of genuinely single men out there.

Even if there weren’t huge numbers of single men out there, she’d still be better off not touching this with a barge pole.

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 19:24

@MissConductUS

I think he was setting you up to be the backup, emergency girlfriend. Sod that.
Me too now i think about it... His bed warmer
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 19:25

Agreed

OP posts:
pyramidsystem · 21/03/2022 19:33

You sound too modest to admit it OP but I imagine you're extremely attractive. He's sounds superficial and you do not. He's not for you

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 21:27

@pyramidsystem

You sound too modest to admit it OP but I imagine you're extremely attractive. He's sounds superficial and you do not. He's not for you
Ahhh thank you. Im really down on myself so i don't see what others do. A bit if post traumatic stress i guess after having my children's father leave me at such a delicate moment. I am just a see the beauty in life, kind of person. Chips on the beach, kisses in the rain. His ex is a hair, nails and Instagram person. I dont know what he sees in me tbh... I try not to compare but i do feel inadequate. I eat macdonalds and she does keto diet 😂😂. I just want someone normal who falls in love with just me and my kids. Seems impossible to find tbh.... Im giving up already
OP posts:
Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 21:30

Ive laid it all out bare and text him.... Told him i won't be meeting him in the nicest possible way. Hes responded saying thays fine, he can see there's numerous reasons why we wouldn't work 😂😂. Having a dig i suppose. Least it's done. I won't be meeting him xx

OP posts:
PoshPyjamas · 21/03/2022 21:33

For the best - he sounds massively immature re the tattoos thing.

Lovemusic33 · 21/03/2022 21:38

This is why I don’t date men with dc (or young dc), I did all this with exh, he had 3 dc, I just couldn’t do it again. I would rather stay single.

Original poster
Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 22:41

Agreed... He seems immature and trying to keep up with the ex wives egotistical insta profile. Just not me.... Fame, money... Shove it lol. Id rather chill with a mojito and listen to music on a beach in Cornwall (where i live). When u die who gives a crap if ur famous or desired.. No one. So many self absorbed people in this world.. Sometimes i think its not meant for souls like mine

OP posts:
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