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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being honest about telling the truth about having a baby means you're judged as having mental health issues?

58 replies

BabyFeb22 · 21/03/2022 11:24

Just that really! I had my beautiful first DD 5 weeks ago. Last week I posted on social media the truth... basically saying that social media makes all new babies/parenting look perfect and like a breeze when actually let's be honest it's bloody hard work!! This resulting in me getting at least 6 private messages asking if I was coping and saying I should speak to the doctors if not. Has social media really got to a point where we can no longer be truthful? AIBU in this was just caring messages or is it that no one likes the truth anymore and if you don't have a 'prefect' life then something must be wrong.

OP posts:
flyingdream · 21/03/2022 11:28

Totally agree. People can be judged and misinterpret. I wish we were more honest.I felt the same btw.

Traumdeuter · 21/03/2022 11:29

Probably just caring messages if they were from people who know you; 5 weeks is a weird time as you feel a bit more confident but it’s also still very relentless and new, and the sleep deprivation is really biting. It seems fair to ask if you’re OK and to seek help if not OK.

Social media is curated. I never see anything that makes parenting look amazing/perfect but that’s because I choose not to follow it.

I think there are some people who are a bit disconcerted by displays of negativity on socials, thinking it’s attention-seeking or just not what they want to see.

Are the people sending you messages also parents? I would respond very differently to someone who was living it or had been through it with a newborn, rather than people who were just being vaguely supportive because new mums need support.

DropYourSword · 21/03/2022 11:30

Reframe your thinking here - although what you said is just absolutely true it's lovely that you have lots of people looking out for you.

Toothiehurtie · 21/03/2022 11:30

I couldn’t agree more. I found it difficult and had a good whinge about it but found that people who didn’t moan at all and said how great it was were the ones who struggled. The more photos someone puts on social media saying their life is perfect the less it’s likely to be mostly.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/03/2022 11:32

I think the birth rate would drop if people knew what it’s really like.

I didn’t bother with kids, dh and I were under no illusions how hard it is.

Hugasauras · 21/03/2022 11:32

Maybe there was something about the way you worded it that people found concerning? It's impossible to say really. I'd find it strange that number of people would enquire about your mental health over something as straight as 'having a baby is hard work'.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 21/03/2022 11:33

You've posted that you're finding it tough, which is natural, and people have responded with kindness. I'm not sure what you're objecting to?

Original poster
BabyFeb22 · 21/03/2022 11:33

Yes I agree with the tiredness and not sure if that's what made me get my back up about it if I'm honest. Yes I also totally agree with the people that post all the time how perfect everything is are probably the ones most struggling. I don't know if it's just a bit of a worry from me because I was scared I would get PND as suffered depression in the past when I was younger so it was always a massive fear. Also being a FT mum I do have the days where I feel like I haven't got a clue what I'm doing then others where I'm like wow I'm smashing this 😂.

OP posts:
Charette · 21/03/2022 11:33

On the contrary, I think everyone's extremely well aware that having a newborn is grindingly hard work. In your shoes, I think I'd be wondering whether this represented a significant departure from your usual social media posts, hence the concern from friends, or whether you have slightly dimwit friends.

MarthaFokker · 21/03/2022 11:36

I've yet to see someone actually stating their 'life is perfect' though.

What mostly happens is, they (like most people) only post about happy/joyous things and from that, others will interpret those posts as them having a 'perfect life', especially if their own isn't going so well.

I think you have a point though in that it's difficult to be truthful without others jumping to possible 'PND' etc but that's probably because they're not with you in real life.

Burgoo · 21/03/2022 11:36

To answer your question re: social media and honesty - yes. We now have to pretend things are different. Why? Because we have to present our lives as wonderful and perfect or we are somehow flawed. I say screw it because that's not my style.

I guess people are now much more aware and worry about PND. Whilst that makes sense, I also find the incessant drive to pathologise all human emotion to be rather tiresome. Parents WILL be tired having children around! They will get irritated by them. They will feel like its too much hassle occasionally. God forbid they wish they could go back in time to a better, less responsible, time! That's okay!

I feel your pain.

QuiltedHippo · 21/03/2022 11:37

Those first weeks were grim, I'd hear people say they were "loving it" and think they were insane. I remember being confused becuse youre so aware of PND it can feel like you have to feel amazing.
I can look back now and know I wasnt depressed it was just bloody hard, nearly a year later I adore my baby and motherhood (most of the time Wink)
People maybe thought you were doing a bit of a cry for help and just trying to be supportive. It will get better I promise Flowers

MarthaFokker · 21/03/2022 11:39

@Fluffycloudland77

I think the birth rate would drop if people knew what it’s really like.

I didn’t bother with kids, dh and I were under no illusions how hard it is.

Anyone who has more than one child knows what it's really like.
MarthaFokker · 21/03/2022 11:41

@Burgoo

To answer your question re: social media and honesty - yes. We now have to pretend things are different. Why? Because we have to present our lives as wonderful and perfect or we are somehow flawed. I say screw it because that's not my style.

I guess people are now much more aware and worry about PND. Whilst that makes sense, I also find the incessant drive to pathologise all human emotion to be rather tiresome. Parents WILL be tired having children around! They will get irritated by them. They will feel like its too much hassle occasionally. God forbid they wish they could go back in time to a better, less responsible, time! That's okay!

I feel your pain.

We now have to pretend things are different. Why? Because we have to present our lives as wonderful and perfect or we are somehow flawed.

No we don't. That's ridiculous and again, probably means you've interpreted people posting only happy things as them having perfect lives.

BulletTrain · 21/03/2022 11:43

I cried on and off for the first 6 weeks but I didn't have PND - I was just tired, and sore, and lonely, yet overwhelmed that suddenly I could no longer go to the toilet alone/make a drink and finish it/get out of the house on time because I was no longer in charge!

I think it's normal, and it annoys me that we are expected to either not mention all this or do so but in a "funny" blogger-esque way e.g. Hurrah For Gin.

TulipsGarden · 21/03/2022 11:53

If a friend posted that I would privately message and check they were ok, because I've been there and I know how hard it is. It's perfectly normal to find it relentlessly awful, and sometimes that turns into more and you need some help.

Are you following a lot of Instagram people who are having babies? Because Instagram is not real life, and they are literally paid to make their lives look good. Those perfectly decorated nurseries and cute babies in a moses basket are NOT how their lives really are. Plus they have the money for a cleaner, night nanny, breastfeeding consultant etc - it's all a sham.

sillysmiles · 21/03/2022 12:02

To me, social media it very much only the positive and the pretty. That's what I post and that's what I see.
If a friend with a 5 week old posted that they were finding it very hard then I would message them to see if they were ok and if there was anything they needed help with.
You have friends who care. What's wrong with that?

BulletTrain · 21/03/2022 12:05

For me, it wasn't about people caring, it was about being told to I should go to the Dr for depression if I was having a bad day/week because that wasn't "normal".

MissMaple82 · 21/03/2022 12:06

Those first weeks are fucking horrendous. It was 3 months before I even began to feel normal again. I avoid social media because its either full of twats or just plain bull shit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 12:11

You’re lucky to have such supportive friends. Would you not have done the same in their shoes?

I disagree that everything you hear is positive or made up. Women post on here often saying all they hear is misery and horror and it’s putting them off getting pregnant. The prevailing narrative about having babies is anything but happy and rosy. People often reply to those threads with positive experiences showing that actually people who’ve found it easy don’t tend to talk about it for fear of being called smug or liars. Not everyone hates the newborn stage but you’re in good company if you do. And for a number of them signposting help in case it is PND and they can find support is a good thing.

TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 12:12

I think your title is a bit inflammatory.

You say 'judged' as if people would think less of you if you had PND.

What people have done is care and look out for you.

You could equally have come on here complaining that you posted how you were finding the first few weeks difficult and not one of your friends checked with you, or suggested you see a doc.

I like to think that people do indeed post the happy times on social media, and have support in RL. You really don't want to be looking for support via FB in the middle of the night - you want to be able to pick up the phone and ask a good friend to come over.
Or you might be out for a walk and a neighbour just see that you need a listening ear and a cuppa.

RoastedFerret · 21/03/2022 12:23

I disagree that everything you hear is positive or made up. Women post on here often saying all they hear is misery and horror and it’s putting them off getting pregnant. The prevailing narrative about having babies is anything but happy and rosy. People often reply to those threads with positive experiences showing that actually people who’ve found it easy don’t tend to talk about it for fear of being called smug or liars. Not everyone hates the newborn stage but you’re in good company if you do. And for a number of them signposting help in case it is PND and they can find support is a good thing.

I was just thinking the same. I would message a friend that said they were finding it hard to see if they need help, I would interpret a person making that statement as looking for help but I don't post personal things on social media so maybe look at it differently. Personally I didn't find it difficult at all, I had great births, easy recoveries, adored being a mum to a newborn but tend to keep quiet about my experiences so I would want to help someone who was finding it difficult if I could, especially if it meant calling over for baby cuddles for a few hours while they slept. No one wants to see their friends going through a hard time after all.

Hugasauras · 21/03/2022 12:27

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re lucky to have such supportive friends. Would you not have done the same in their shoes?

I disagree that everything you hear is positive or made up. Women post on here often saying all they hear is misery and horror and it’s putting them off getting pregnant. The prevailing narrative about having babies is anything but happy and rosy. People often reply to those threads with positive experiences showing that actually people who’ve found it easy don’t tend to talk about it for fear of being called smug or liars. Not everyone hates the newborn stage but you’re in good company if you do. And for a number of them signposting help in case it is PND and they can find support is a good thing.

Yes yes yes.

'The truth' isn't universal in this case, it's 'a truth' which may be true for some women and not for others. I found newborn stage amazing –my husband was home for a month, I had a very easy baby and easy recovery from birth, and I loved it. But I can also recognise that other people have a very different experience and that's also totally normal. There is no 'truth', just a huge range of different experiences, none of which are more valid or correct than the others.

I also don't think there's any sort of conspiracy hiding how hard the first weeks can be - if anything I was prepared the other way round: for it to be absolutely horrendous, after everything I had read online!

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 21/03/2022 12:34

Okay, so the social norm in your circles is apparently to only post about the wonderful parts of things. (Presumably nobody ever talks about travel nightmares, only displays the gorgeous beach at the destination, and never mentions going thru Builder Hell, only shows off the beautiful extension.)

You didn't do that. You broke a social norm. Nothing wrong with that, but breaking a social norm can be a sign or a message that something's wrong. So people contacted you to check you were okay, and that your post wasn't a smoke signal from a woman barely hanging on by her fingernails. If the social norms among the people you digitally hang around with were more warts'n'all, maybe it wouldn't have prompted those replies.

At least you know you're not shouting into the void, I guess.

LittleGwyneth · 21/03/2022 12:36

Honestly all I've heard is the opposite. I hear how hard it is, miserable, lonely, exhausting. No-one has told me how fun or exciting it's going to be. It would be nice to get a bit more balance.