To think that being honest about telling the truth about having a baby means you're judged as having mental health issues?

[BabyFeb22]

Just that really! I had my beautiful first DD 5 weeks ago. Last week I posted on social media the truth... basically saying that social media makes all new babies/parenting look perfect and like a breeze when actually let's be honest it's bloody hard work!! This resulting in me getting at least 6 private messages asking if I was coping and saying I should speak to the doctors if not. Has social media really got to a point where we can no longer be truthful? AIBU in this was just caring messages or is it that no one likes the truth anymore and if you don't have a 'prefect' life then something must be wrong.

I love how people tell you to go to the doctor. As if the doctor can do anything? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just understandably miserable because my life has turned to shit. All the doctor can do is medicate me to numb the unhappiness. They can’t fix the problem!

At antenatal classes we did an exercise where we had to decide whether things constituted PND or normal struggles after having a baby. I put most into the normal category but was told I was wrong and they were indications of PND! I do think we often categorise normal human reactions as mental illness. Not sure what my point is really. I certainly had indications of depression after both mine but I definitely don't feel that I had PND.

@LittleGwyneth

Honestly all I've heard is the opposite. I hear how hard it is, miserable, lonely, exhausting. No-one has told me how fun or exciting it's going to be. It would be nice to get a bit more balance.

I don’t want to derail this thread as OP is having a rough time of it but have a search on here for past threads on positive experiences of life with a newborn. They are out there and there’s no reason they’d be less honest than the ones from people who hate it.

Is this the only thing you've posted in 5 weeks? I ask because I think virtually every new mum I know has posted on Facebook a time or two to say how tired they are and how hard it is - but they also share cute pictures, joyful moments etc so the overall impression is not entirely negative. If you'd posted nothing at all and then suddenly a long rant about how hard things are you could have - inadvertently - given the impression you were having nothing but struggles. Or maybe you worded something in a particular way that sounded concerning... Or maybe you just have kind friends and family who care about you and wanted to make sure you were okay.

I am inclined to agree with you OP. I have a 4 month old and the difference in how much I enjoy him and can cope well is really directly correlated with how much sleep I was able to get the previous night.

I think sleep deprivation makes most people feel awful and snappy, tearful etc (there's a reason it's used as a torture technique).

PND is clearly a real thing, but it's irritating that simply saying something along the lines of "I am feeling shit from minimal sleep, relentless feeds and nappy changes" is always met with the assumption that you have PND.

If someone posted about feeling shit due to a 60 hour work week, most people would blame the job rather than automatically assuming that the OP was depressed.

@Fluffycloudland77

I think the birth rate would drop if people knew what it’s really like.

I didn’t bother with kids, dh and I were under no illusions how hard it is.

Nah they just delude themselves into thinking it will be fine for them. Some people assume family will help them so they won't have to pay for childcare, so they don't bother looking up the costs. They think about the price of feeding and clothing a baby, but not a child or teenager. They think it gets easier once the child is at school and they are the teachers problem then.

There's many good sides to having a child, but many bad ones too. People just ignore the bad ones and then are 'shocked' when it comes out. Social media stops them admitting when it's shit and pretending it's all fantastic.

I didn’t have the delusion, my mothers “I hope you have one just like you when your older” also rung in my head as I remembered my hair flick and “so do I” flounce.

You can’t risk that kind of karma.

What exactly, what precise words and punctuation, did you post, OP?

Do you have a history of mental illness that the correspondents know about?

OP I probably would have done the same as your friends. I find social media an odd place anyway, but I would worry about a friend sharing publicly that things are hard because to me it could appear a cry for help. But I am pretty careful about what I post publicly and so may not relate to many people who use it to share all kinds of things.

YABU. All I hear from everyone of my generation (30-40s) is how hard and awful it is having kids. I literally do not know a single person who says it's wonderful, only my parents and older people say that. It's like a competition of who hates parenthood more, like you're some saint managing to give birth and care for a baby, it's exhausting. I get that it's hard but your picture of things is the complete opposite of what I'm seeing.

You posted you were struggling, most people would interpret that as a cry for help and, being caring people, they reached out to you. If you're not struggling, then it sounds like you were just attention seeking.

I agree with rethinking it, you have lovely friends.

Also worth bearing in mind we forget what it is like to have a small baby. Looking back it is all sunshine and roses, the bone crippling tiredness and relentless slog is all forgotten. Hence why people have more.

There’s no one universal experience of having a newborn. It’s not the truth, it’s your truth. You can express how hard you’ve found things and it sounds as though there are some people who’ve tried to show care?! Some people will struggle in silence of course but others will genuinely be full of joy. It’s different for everyone. I’ve had two babies and to be honest found the newborn months delightful as they were so precious, really easy babies and very sleepy! There were tough days of course but I wouldn’t have been lying to say I loved those early days. If you want to voice your own experience then of course do so but I wouldn’t see it as exposing a hidden truth.

"social" media is not an arena where sharing your personal thoughts and genuine feelings will get you any support etc, in general. Kind of ironic. But i think of social media is for edited highlights only. Noone has time for people's actual lives on there. I don't consider anyone on social media a friend unless they are someone who is likely to use a more private means of communicating regularly.

SM is a fallacy; an illusion at the best of times and out-right lies at the worst. And I'm willing to hedge bets that these "are you alright, hun?" messages were from either non-parents or those mothers who portray the perfect life with their newborns/toddlers...?

I had my youngest before most of my friends started to have their babies, and there's a large age-gap between my duo. When first-time parent friends asked me what to expect, I was brutally honest with them. Lack of bodily autonomy, the torture of sleep deprivation, the whole horrific healing process of a mother's body for weeks afterwards, the crushing sense of loneliness when you're trapped alone in the middle of the night cluster feeding a restless baby, having to make the decision between your little finger and a dummy even though you've always been so outspoken against them (... unfortunately for my youngest; I needed my little finger!), the risk of bacteria preventing you from having the birth you want because you need to put your baby's life first (group B strep)...

... and yep; I got the "are you coping, hun?" head-tilty questions. Even though my youngest was 2/3 years old plus at the time. Now their children are pre-teens up, they're all quizzing me about the teenage wilderness (mine are 26 and 17), and I'm very much "do as I did and work it out for yourselves!" about a lot of it.

Yet all of their SM "lives"? Perfect. No problems. There's no sign on Friend A's IG that her child tried to kill their neighbours guinea pigs with a golf club, for example, or how Friend B's son is doing drugs with my much older son's former group pf friends, or of how Friend C's teenager has decided they're non-binary, self-harming and having sex with a much older teen (of the opposing birth sex). Nope. All of their SM "lives" are rosy as fuck.

Mine on the other hand? This morning, on FB I was complaining about my 17 year old not being able to get out of bed on time and then leave enough hot water in the tank for his older sibling - not to mention my ire at the amount of wet towels I'm expected to pick up after the pair of them. Yesterday, it was them both telling me they were home for dinner last week, so I budget around a full Sunday Roast... and then they get better offers and fuck off elsewhere. I'm very honest on my SM, but also very aware that 99% users of it... are not.

@BabyFeb22, from one long-time Mum to a new-time Mum... keep on being honest about what your experience of parenthood is. Why? Because this is YOUR story. Your journey with your little one, which one day, they'll be able to access/look back on and feel grateful for your honesty, rather than their peers thinking a newborn shits roses and rainbows.

No social media when mine were born but yes, parts were terrible and difficult. I was also pretty excited about it too.

I'm happy there wasn't social media. Did have to worry about taking perfect pictures and having silly made up things to post about.

It’s hard I have had friends say ‘why does no one tell you how hard it is’ and others who get upset as parents have been ‘scaring’ them with the realities of parenting. What’s the perfect way to pitch it? I try to just be supportive of new parents and acknowledge the difficulties rather than force them to ‘enjoy every second!!!!’ and listen to them when they need it.

I would check my friendnwas ok of she posted that. You are assuming your experience is the same for everyone. When I had my first I was amazed at how easy and joyful it all was. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about.

It's nice that they were caring though. Pnd presents in different ways, not all mothers who have it are apathetic to their baby, I know from my own experience I had horrendous feelings of guilt that I failed to keep her safe inside me, that I didn't have a natural birth, that breastfeeding was a struggle. At the time I thought that things were challenging but that with a tiny baby most mums would feel like I did so I glossed over it, looking back now I recognise the pnd for what it was and was more alert to those feelings in my subsequent pregnancies. Thankfully I didn't experience it again with pregnancy two and three but I did know where I could reach out to for help.

As for saying its rough with a new baby, it can be. It was for me with my first but despite a small age gap my son was great and I adjusted to 2 under 2 really well. My 3rd had been a breeze and she's just easy, there have been a few challenges as she has had reflux and initial slow weight gain but she is thriving and most importantly sleeps. Not all parents find it difficult struggle in the early days.

Virtually everyone I know who is 30s-40s has had one kid and said no more because it’s too hard. Those who have had a second child either don’t work for a living or have incredibly supportive parents.

The older generation who like to say how great it is to have kids are invariably people who were a married couple with a SAHM who never worked and a father in a stable job, with a nice suburban house and a local community of other SAHMs and kids. None of them ever had to juggle childcare and work. Otherwise they’d be saying the same as our generation is: it’s too hard.

@Donra

Virtually everyone I know who is 30s-40s has had one kid and said no more because it’s too hard. Those who have had a second child either don’t work for a living or have incredibly supportive parents.

The older generation who like to say how great it is to have kids are invariably people who were a married couple with a SAHM who never worked and a father in a stable job, with a nice suburban house and a local community of other SAHMs and kids. None of them ever had to juggle childcare and work. Otherwise they’d be saying the same as our generation is: it’s too hard.

Gosh, you must move in very, very different circles to me.

The only people you know with more than one child are SAHM or have supportive parents?

Yes pretty much. The couples who both have full time jobs and no parental support have had their first child and gone “fuck this is hard and between parenting and working I have no life”. So they’re not keen to make it worse by having a second child. The only people who can cope with more than one kid are those who either don’t work or can fob their kids off on family so they can still have a life.

@Donra

Yes pretty much. The couples who both have full time jobs and no parental support have had their first child and gone “fuck this is hard and between parenting and working I have no life”. So they’re not keen to make it worse by having a second child. The only people who can cope with more than one kid are those who either don’t work or can fob their kids off on family so they can still have a life.

My NCT group are all over 30 (first baby is 4). 5 out of 8 have had a second baby (twins in one case) and 4 out of those 5 are SAHMs.

Even here where childcare is cheap, 3 days a week at nursery for 2 under 2s is £1200 a month. It's not hard to see why this pattern happens.

@LittleGwyneth

Honestly all I've heard is the opposite. I hear how hard it is, miserable, lonely, exhausting. No-one has told me how fun or exciting it's going to be. It would be nice to get a bit more balance.

If you don’t normally post on social media about finding life hard, your friends probably assumed you did so because you hoped to find some support. It doesn’t mean they’re judging you, it just looked like you were reaching out.

I think it’s fine to moan on social media, god knows I’ve been known to do it, but I don’t understand the hate from some posters towards people posting highlights. It’s natural to want to share nice moments.

I think it just depends tbh. In my antenatal group, three of us are having/have had a second (out of four; it was a small group) and all of us will be going back to work after maternity leave or have already gone back. We are all mid-late 30s. And two of us have no family within three hours drive.

Experiences are just so varied and individual tbh.

Tell the truth to friends in a small face to face group and they will all say the same. Say it on social media and you get the reaction you did.

SM is not real life just an unrealistic facsimile