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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd buying a Mother’s Day card for my friend…

77 replies

Mumwithalltheemotion · 20/03/2022 11:37

Hi all
First time posting but long time lingerer!
So my dh told me this morning that my dd (17) has bought a Mother’s Day card for my best friend. This has upset me. Maybe I’m
Overreacting, prob most people wouldn’t care, but in all honestly I don’t even know why she’s giving her one. My friend is not remotely like a mother to my dd, we met when our dd’s were 12, she’s a good friend of mine and we spend time together as our families get on really well.

On my friends birthday last year dd put a post on social media saying ‘happy birthday to my 2nd Mum’. It kind of embarrassed me that people saw that as at the time as we were going through a hard time with our mother daughter relationship (hormones and it’s completely fine now). I explained to my dd that it hurt my feelings so I found it strange that she then went and bought a Mother’s Day card. Dh said to dd I might be a bit upset about it but she’s insisting she’s already bought the card so will give it.

I’d always be happy that my dd can talk to my friend (she doesn’t really) and I think close relationships with other adults can be a really positive addition but isn’t ‘2nd mother’ a bit much!!!
Thank you, please be kind…

OP posts:
FizzyTango · 20/03/2022 11:51

Sounds like they are closer than you realise? Do they talk in private that you are aware of.

It’s nice your DD has another trusted adult, but I do understand why that would be hurtful to you. I’d be a bit annoyed with my friend in this situation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2022 11:53

Is she getting you a card as well?

Maybe they spoke more than you realised when you two were having a hard time.

Rummikub · 20/03/2022 11:56

You might need to reframe it as a good thing.
My ex got a to my other dad Father’s Day card. It just represented a meeting of minds/ fun.

ComDummings · 20/03/2022 11:59

I do find the whole ‘2nd mother’ thing a bit weird and I can definitely see why you’re upset. Not sure what you can do though without upsetting your DD.

CannaBelieve · 20/03/2022 12:01

She may have spoken about her problems etc with her...even just messaging etc

It's easier for teens sometimes

TryingPrettyHard · 20/03/2022 12:03

I might be wrong about this but I think she's testing your reaction / limits. My sister went through a similar phase age 19 always telling our Dad that one of her tutors was like a dad to her. It always caused upset (obviously) and started during one of their tricky patches.

If you're able to, I would ignore it with DD but maybe bring up how hurtful it is to your friend.

PinkSyCo · 20/03/2022 12:04

I find the fact that your DD has latched onto your friend like this very odd if especially, as you say, they don’t really even talk to each other. What does your friend make of it?

Foghead · 20/03/2022 12:04

They’re obviously close and probably do talk much more than you realise.
Don’t make it an issue and just focus on your own relationship with Dd.

Original poster
Mumwithalltheemotion · 20/03/2022 12:05

@FizzyTango
The only time they message is if my dd asks my friend ideas on what to get me for birthday/Xmas or what to get friends dd. Don’t get me wrong my friend is lovely, very kind etc but she’s also obsessed with documenting everything on social media so will def put a pic up and say ‘wow look what I got from from my friends dd’
If they were genuinely close I wouldn’t mind at all but they’re honestly not! It’s strange!

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 20/03/2022 12:05

What does your friend think of it?

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 12:07

She’s deliberately trying to make you jealous/ upset you.

Fairyarmpits · 20/03/2022 12:10

If your relationship is a bit strained I would guess that she is testing you.

I'd ignore it. Go grey rock. It's a great technique for when people are trying to get a reaction out of you as it tends to take the wind out of their sails.

SpiderVersed · 20/03/2022 12:11

Your friend is more significant to your daughter than you think. That’s a good thing - the more adults she feels she can talk to the better. It’s especially important when you and she are going through a rocky patch.

She’s not replacing you, she’s having a relationship separate to yours. Doesn’t matter if it’s not a lot of contact, it’s something that matters to her.

Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you.

AlexaShutUp · 20/03/2022 12:12

You're her mum. You will always be her mum. Nothing will ever change that.

Your friend has clearly supported her with stuff, perhaps more than you know. Your dd is just wanting to recognise that.

Love isn't finite. Any affection that your dd may feel towards your friend does not take away from the love that she has for you. There is enough to go around. Honestly, I think you should be grateful for the fact that your friend has clearly been there for your dd, and that you have brought up your dd well enough for her to want to acknowledge that support. The fact that your dd has formed a strong attachment to another adult is probably a reflection of her secure attachment to you.. it's a good thing. It doesn't mean that your friend is going to replace you, and I very much doubt that she would want to even if she could.

Please don't over think this or let yourself feel threatened by it, as it will drive an unnecessary wedge between you and your dd, and/or between you and your friend. It's just a card. Leave it at that.

nokidshere · 20/03/2022 12:15

My best friend and her son always describe me as his 2nd mum. It's just an endearment and acknowledgment of the fact that we have been friends for nearly 30yrs.

My friend was a single parent and I helped and supported them always. If mum was at work, or busy, I became the go to person. Even now at the age of 26 if he can't get hold of his mum for something he comes to me. I love him like one of my own. I would never undermine his mum and I don't describe his as my son but I will always be there for him.

I don't think that her doing that is meant to undermine you or make you feel bad, just an acknowledgment that there is someone else in her life that she can trust as well as you.

Eightiesfan · 20/03/2022 12:15

I agree your DD is trying to wind you up. The Facebook post was one thing, you explained how this hurt you, so for her to buy a MD card is straddling the line of vindictive.

Ask yourself why she told DH about the card, she told him as she knew you would find out. She could have just sent it and no-one would have been wiser.

It sounds like your daughter has unresolved issues with you. I would try to have a gentle conversation with her without any accusations or mentioning her behaviour has hurt you.

AlexaShutUp · 20/03/2022 12:18

If they really aren't close and she is trying to wind you up, then rising to the bait isn't going to help. Either way, just accept it and let her get on with it. If it's genuine, then be happy that she feels well supported by your friend. If she's trying to get a reaction, she'll soon lose interest if she doesn't get one.

Getting all jealous and offended is not going to make things better.

Mossstitch · 20/03/2022 12:20

Grey rock............ That's nice dear........ Don't let her see she's upset you (so long as you get one too!!!!!) 💐 teenagers can be horrible, give me a two year old tantrum anytime😂

Gizacluethen · 20/03/2022 12:20

I don't think you get to decide how your daughter feels about other people. She clearly sees this woman as an important person in her life.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 20/03/2022 12:23

I think 2nd Mother will be mortified (but I hope she handles it graciously) and I think your daughter will also be mortified, about 5 years down the line.

It is thoughtless of her, but she's still only 17. Let it go. If this is the worst thing she ever does to you, you'll be getting off lightly.

ShoesEverywhere · 20/03/2022 12:24

When I had a new baby in my early 20s I befriended a much older lady who I called my second mum. It really upset my mum but I couldn't figure out why - I still loved my mum (of course!) she just provided practical and emotional support when my mum wasn't around. She still does if I go to visit her. In your shoes, I would go with gratitude that your daughter has someone she loves and that will support her, rather than jealousy.

DemBonesDemBones · 20/03/2022 12:27

My mum was like you. I wasn't allowed to be close to any adult as a child (other than the men she wanted a relationship with). Which was great for her because no one could see her abusing me.
It continued when I became an adult, huge temper tantrums over who I allowed into my house, how 'embarrassing' it was for me to have friends her age. And eventually yet more tantrums about who was allowed to see my children and for how long.
We've not spoken for over 7 years.

Eightiesfan · 20/03/2022 12:29

@Gizacluethen

I don't think you get to decide how your daughter feels about other people. She clearly sees this woman as an important person in her life.
This may be, but according t the OP the daughter and OPs friend are not very close. So either they have a deeper relationship that OP does not know about or DD is trying to get a reaction.
Nothingfree · 20/03/2022 12:29

Teenagers often do off minded things when growing up without thinking of the hurt that action might cause, try not to take it to heart OP. You gave birth to her and seen her through all this time, take pride in that anything else is irrelevant. Flowers

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 20/03/2022 12:36

I think you're wee girl is needing more attention from you