Dd buying a Mother’s Day card for my friend…

[Mumwithalltheemotion]

Hi all
First time posting but long time lingerer!
So my dh told me this morning that my dd (17) has bought a Mother’s Day card for my best friend. This has upset me. Maybe I’m
Overreacting, prob most people wouldn’t care, but in all honestly I don’t even know why she’s giving her one. My friend is not remotely like a mother to my dd, we met when our dd’s were 12, she’s a good friend of mine and we spend time together as our families get on really well.

On my friends birthday last year dd put a post on social media saying ‘happy birthday to my 2nd Mum’. It kind of embarrassed me that people saw that as at the time as we were going through a hard time with our mother daughter relationship (hormones and it’s completely fine now). I explained to my dd that it hurt my feelings so I found it strange that she then went and bought a Mother’s Day card. Dh said to dd I might be a bit upset about it but she’s insisting she’s already bought the card so will give it.

I’d always be happy that my dd can talk to my friend (she doesn’t really) and I think close relationships with other adults can be a really positive addition but isn’t ‘2nd mother’ a bit much!!!
Thank you, please be kind…

Be glad your DD has a special friend who is an older more experienced woman (and someone you know and like).

My "second mother" was my mother's favourite sister and closest friend. It was one of THE great, formative relationships of my life.

She knows the 2nd mum post upset you so this seems quite pointed. Is she normally a bit snidy? Teens can be funny creatures I’d just grit my teeth and try not to react tbh

Personally I think it's a daft idea.

Are you sure she doesn't have a closer relationship with your friend than you think?

If you were going through a tough time, she could have confided in your friend and may have asked her to keep those conversations from you.

I would just tell her it's a lovely way to appreciate "Jane" and just leave it at that.

Its more like an auntie relationship really I would say. Try not to think about it. Its a card on a day which really a commercialised day for all, not really that special. There's probably other things your dad does which are more special. Sometimes teenagers don't think.

My children have many second mums. My friends who I consider my sisters. My friends who do and have dropped everything to help and support me so I am able to be a good parent. My friends who love my children because they love me. My friends who have built their own relationships with my children and yes my children consider them aunties and second mums and know that's where they are to run if anything happens or they need support.
I'd be grateful your daughter recognises that amazing relationship with your friend and I'd be thankful for that friend.

I called a couple of friends mum my second mum in my teens. My own mum was/is fab but it's nice to have others you can talk to and feel close too. Also when I moved away I adopted a new granny. Called her nanny (name). My dc call my friends mum granny (name) and my mum doesn't mind. It's lovely to have other adults you feel close to

I think it's lovely having a 2nd mum but you seem more upset about the fact it ends up on SM and 'embarrasses' you. I would spent less time worrying about what other people might think of your relationship with your daughter and put more effort into listening and understanding to try to improve your actual relationship with your daughter.

@Gizacluethen
I wasn’t. I’m a bit confused as to why my dd is thinking of my friend as a 2nd mum when they don’t have that kind of relationship. I’m not controlling in any way and if they were close I’d see this completely differently.

On my friends birthday last year dd put a post on social media saying ‘happy birthday to my 2nd Mum’. It kind of embarrassed me that people saw that as at the time as we were going through a hard time with our mother daughter relationship (hormones and it’s completely fine now). I explained to my dd that it hurt my feelings so I found it strange that she then went and bought a Mother’s Day card. Dh said to dd I might be a bit upset about it but she’s insisting she’s already bought the card so will give it.

She sounds very manipulative. She knows exactly what she's doing by the sound of it.

My dd’s friend has called me her second mum a few times. It’s an in joke between dd and her because I treat her and all of dd’s friends the same as I treat my dd. My dd considers another friend a bit of a second mum. I take no offence.

Girls and young women need as many positive female role models as possible. This isn’t about you or your friend. This is about your dd.

I would ask friend straight out about it, if she's as good as you say then she'll explain.

I would find that very weird though if my DC said that about one of my friends though especially if they aren't very close! Maybe something is happening behind closed doors that you aren't aware of.

Contrary to how it all sounds I’m super close with my dd, we had a tough year last year, she had my issues that we talked about and I helped her with. The end of any important relationship for her and pressure if school. She tells me literally everything. Even things I think are maybe private. She wrote my a letter last week to say how she’s so sorry for last year and how she was and how much she loves and appreciates me so we’re really in an amazing place.
My friend truly is lovely but does crave attention and needs to be loved. So will plasterer it all over social media and I guess because I am close to dd I feel like it makes our relationship seem like it’s not that great when in fact it is. She definitely isn’t doing it to hurt me in an awful way but it seems she wants to make my friend happy even if it makes me a bit unhappy..

She's winding you up.

I'd be tempted to ask her casually if its a great idea to bake a really special cake for one of her friends ... (but this may be incendiary)

Try not to ignore it completely.

However, next time she wants money/a lift...refer her to your friend.

*mental health issues I meant

[quote Mumwithalltheemotion]@Gizacluethen
I wasn’t. I’m a bit confused as to why my dd is thinking of my friend as a 2nd mum when they don’t have that kind of relationship. I’m not controlling in any way and if they were close I’d see this completely differently.[/quote]
How do you know how close they are, though? Do you read your dd's messages? Monitor her phone calls?

She's 17, she has a life of her own that doesn't include you and you cannot say for sure who she's talking to.

I can see why you might be a bit hurt if you don't have a great relationship with dd but if you do then I can't see why you'd have an issue? She's not trying to replace you.

My "second mum" is my mum's sister, she's been there for me my whole life and understands me in a way my own mum doesn't. That doesn't mean I love her more than I love my actual mum

Sorry that should read Try to ignore it completely. Its not worth getting het up about it.

If your friend will post this on social media as you say she will I’d also think that was weird.
Is your friend as close with YOU as you think? If so, I’d be asking her what she thinks and telling her how it makes YOU FEEL.
Why on earth would a grown woman post something on social media that is a. a card from someone she isn’t that close to, and, b. If it would upset you.
The only thing I can think of is that the friend is actually talking to or seeing your dd behind your back. And if she is why and why don’t you know?
All very strange.
I am sorry this upsets you OP and it would upset me to, but your dd is a teenager and sometimes teenagers do things like this to push the boundaries they have with parents. All perfectly normal.
But your friend, on the other hand, is the one I would be asking questions of.

• if she doesn’t see your dd and have that kind of relationship with her, she surely would find the card odd - and not post on social media.
• if she does see your dd and does have a close bond then why don’t you know and why would she hurt you by posting on social media.

Both my dd and my friend mention that they text sometimes. In fact my dd used to get really annoyed with my friend as my friend used to interfere with my dd and her dd relationship a lot (and I mean a lot) like if they fell out or didn’t meet up for a while etc so my dd found her very overbearing in that sense.

I love my dd and I love that she has friends, support and relationships other than me but surely they have their own title and I don’t think ‘2nd mum’ should be that title, even if they are close.

@Gowithme

I think it's lovely having a 2nd mum but you seem more upset about the fact it ends up on SM and 'embarrasses' you. I would spent less time worrying about what other people might think of your relationship with your daughter and put more effort into listening and understanding to try to improve your actual relationship with your daughter.

Absolutely this !!

I have never had a good relationship with my mother as she is so controlling, even to this day . She hates me speaking to my aunts or other family members and as soon as I mention any older women I get the "is she your 2nd mum??" comment immediately. I feel like saying "2nd? Bit difficult when I don't feel I have a first!!" . For ease I just don't mention anyone anymore, which adds to the list of things i cant talk about (she spreads anything I say), making the relationship even more strained.

Your dd is not necessarily being unkind. 17 is a difficult age, just go with it and focus on your own relationship and don't be jealous or you'll push her away.

Your 'super close', she tells you 'literally everything', she wrote you a 'heartfelt letter to say how she’s so sorry for last year and how she was and how much she loves and appreciates you'.

Yet despite being told by you and by your DH how hurt you were over the social media post, and how hurt you are that she's got this woman she's only known for 5 years a Mother's Day card, she's still insisting on giving it to her??

Sadly it seems you're not as 'super close' as you think, and I'm sorry but she does sound either manipulative or just really couldn't care less about your feelings.

love my dd and I love that she has friends, support and relationships other than me but surely they have their own title and I don’t think ‘2nd mum’ should be that title, even if they are close.

But it's up to your dd what title she gives anyone. It's not meant literally, just an affectionate pair of words

@DemBonesDemBones

My mum was like you. I wasn't allowed to be close to any adult as a child (other than the men she wanted a relationship with). Which was great for her because no one could see her abusing me. It continued when I became an adult, huge temper tantrums over who I allowed into my house, how 'embarrassing' it was for me to have friends her age. And eventually yet more tantrums about who was allowed to see my children and for how long. We've not spoken for over 7 years.

The OP is nothing like your mum in your nasty little post. HTH.

OP, l’d suggest that your daughter is trying to wind you up for some reason. Don’t give her the pleasure, don’t raise it with her, mute the friend on social media for a few days over her birthday.

Smile and whatever she asks you for anything say "why don't you ask your other mum for that, I'm tired"

If it were me…I would honestly just let it go.
I would be grateful that there is another adult that my child feels like they can talk to or ask for help if needed. I wouldn’t care what others thought about the social media thing. Either people know I’m a good mother or their inaccurate thoughts about what the post might entail wouldnt mean much to me. If I was worried or jealous about the relationship then I would up my game as Mum (but it sounds like you aren’t concerned about this). I would plan more nice activities and time for just the two of us.

I would honestly just take the card as her saying that she is a female adult that she cares about and looks up to…in a similar bracket to a Mum and she is trying to do something nice x