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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd buying a Mother’s Day card for my friend…

77 replies

Mumwithalltheemotion · 20/03/2022 11:37

Hi all
First time posting but long time lingerer!
So my dh told me this morning that my dd (17) has bought a Mother’s Day card for my best friend. This has upset me. Maybe I’m
Overreacting, prob most people wouldn’t care, but in all honestly I don’t even know why she’s giving her one. My friend is not remotely like a mother to my dd, we met when our dd’s were 12, she’s a good friend of mine and we spend time together as our families get on really well.

On my friends birthday last year dd put a post on social media saying ‘happy birthday to my 2nd Mum’. It kind of embarrassed me that people saw that as at the time as we were going through a hard time with our mother daughter relationship (hormones and it’s completely fine now). I explained to my dd that it hurt my feelings so I found it strange that she then went and bought a Mother’s Day card. Dh said to dd I might be a bit upset about it but she’s insisting she’s already bought the card so will give it.

I’d always be happy that my dd can talk to my friend (she doesn’t really) and I think close relationships with other adults can be a really positive addition but isn’t ‘2nd mother’ a bit much!!!
Thank you, please be kind…

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 20/03/2022 13:40

@Fairyarmpits

If your relationship is a bit strained I would guess that she is testing you.

I'd ignore it. Go grey rock. It's a great technique for when people are trying to get a reaction out of you as it tends to take the wind out of their sails.

Yes, this. I think your DD is testing you.

I also think she just likes the idea of having a ‘second mum’. My sister was like this in her teens. She and our mum used to clash quite a bit and my sister would make a big thing of saying how close she was to family friends or her own friends’ mums - but she really wasn’t especially close to those people at all! It’s a very teenage thing, I think.

Eightiesfan · 20/03/2022 13:56

@HelenWick

Smile and whatever she asks you for anything say "why don't you ask your other mum for that, I'm tired"
This is terrible advice, you will gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.
Original poster
Mumwithalltheemotion · 20/03/2022 13:57

@DemBonesDemBones
I’m very sorry that’s the relationship you had with your mother but that is not even remotely like the relationship I have with my dd. Not even 1%.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2022 14:03

I love my dd and I love that she has friends, support and relationships other than me but surely they have their own title and I don’t think ‘2nd mum’ should be that title, even if they are close.

But it's your DD's choice, not yours.

Roselilly36 · 20/03/2022 14:11

I can why it would upset you. Your DD only has one mum, you. Try not to allow it to upset you.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 14:20

I have a couple of thoughts.

One is why the heck did your OH tell you?! Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

The other is, if you’re really close, feel secure in your relationship and don’t let jealousy creep in. Maybe it’s a sign of how close your daughter feels to you that she’s able to feel friendly with another woman? You’re her mum and always will be. Maybe she’s just being kind to the other lady?

nokidshere · 20/03/2022 14:21

You can't change how other people behave and feel. It's only your own insecurities that are making this an issue for you. It's silly to be jealous of your best friend because you daughter feels like she has a connection with her, or to be hurt that your daughter views her like that. Nothing can change the fact that you are her mother. Your friend is not a threat to your relationship with your daughter unless you let it be.

Threadbaretoe · 20/03/2022 14:28

I'm wondering if it has something to do with your daughter's relationship with your friend's daughter.
Teens often seek to solidify/ make their relationships feel tighter. Your daughter sending the card may be about her wanting to feel more connected to the daughter/friend?

Original poster
Mumwithalltheemotion · 20/03/2022 14:30

@7eleven
He told me as he knew I’d be a bit confused/hurt about it and I’d find out on social media when my friend no doubt posts about it so I guess he was trying not to ruin Mother’s Day next week..

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 20/03/2022 14:33

They obviously are much closer than you think Shock

Take dembonesdembones advice id say....

twoandcooplease · 20/03/2022 14:34

[quote Mumwithalltheemotion]@DemBonesDemBones
I’m very sorry that’s the relationship you had with your mother but that is not even remotely like the relationship I have with my dd. Not even 1%.[/quote]
Yes I agree. I don't think it sounds like your relationship either from what you've written
I actually think pp's comment is out of order thy aren't remotely the same

Squeezita · 20/03/2022 14:38

I don’t actually think they are that close or that they text that much.

It’s all being played out for social media.

Dd gets to show off that she has a ‘second mum’ on social media, and because she knows your friend laps it up, she’s getting her Mother’s Day card so she can do the same.

It’s a symbiotic exchange for two people who live their lives on social media.

I’m guessing you’re not that active on social media, OP?

twoandcooplease · 20/03/2022 14:47

I did notice in the shops this year there are a lot more than your usual mum/gran/step-mum etc. I seen cards for aunties, 'stand in mum' and dads on Mother's Day this year
I really think she was probably standing in front of them picking yours, seen one that said for 2nd mum, thought it was a sweet gesture to your friend and didn't think anything of it. Definitely not thinking it would hurt you as it's clear she loves you very much based on that letter

The reason I'm thinking this as I was standing buying my mums but when I got to the till I'd picked up half a dozen. For gran, mum, MIL, mil from dc, mil from DP, dm from dc, gran from dc AND mum from the cat!! (I know...!!)

mrschocolatte · 20/03/2022 14:48

I know this is different to your situation but my lovely niece wishes me a happy Mothers Day every year and has told me that she views me as a ‘second mum’. It means a lot to me that she does that because I can’t have children of my own and it always moves me that she thinks of me and wants to include me in the day too. She has a fabulous relationship with her Mum, my SIL. SIL knows and we joke together if niece ever gets in trouble she’ll have the two us to contend with!

twoandcooplease · 20/03/2022 14:50

It’s a symbiotic exchange for two people who live their lives on social media.
On the back of my post I also agree with this

@Mumwithalltheemotion what is your daughters social media like? Is she showy like your friend?

Xpologog · 20/03/2022 14:51

@TryingPrettyHard

I might be wrong about this but I think she's testing your reaction / limits. My sister went through a similar phase age 19 always telling our Dad that one of her tutors was like a dad to her. It always caused upset (obviously) and started during one of their tricky patches.

If you're able to, I would ignore it with DD but maybe bring up how hurtful it is to your friend.

^ This was my thought to. Although she’s a little older than I’d expect is this her USP amongst her friends? “I’ve got my mum and a second mum”
tkwal · 20/03/2022 14:53

If your daughter has been equally thoughtful in buying you a card/gift I would be happy that she thinks highly enough of your friend to do this. Maybe your friend and her daughter aren't getting on all that well at the moment ? Or maybe your daughter can talk to her about things she would feel awkward discussing with you ?. I would definitely be happy to have such a kind natured child

StringFellow · 20/03/2022 14:58

@DemBonesDemBones

My mum was like you. I wasn't allowed to be close to any adult as a child (other than the men she wanted a relationship with). Which was great for her because no one could see her abusing me. It continued when I became an adult, huge temper tantrums over who I allowed into my house, how 'embarrassing' it was for me to have friends her age. And eventually yet more tantrums about who was allowed to see my children and for how long. We've not spoken for over 7 years.
This is sad but not really relatable to OP’s situation is it? Very inappropriate
StringFellow · 20/03/2022 15:00

I would honestly ignore it, she might be trying to get a rise out of you since she knows the previous Facebook post upset you.

Margaretmatcher · 20/03/2022 15:19

Years ago a friend of mine had a very good friendship with work colleague who was 20 years younger than my friend. Younger colleague turned up at my friend's house on Mother's day with card and flowers. This upset all four of my friends young children because friend is their mum. Maybe your daughter she rethink the card giving

TheChronicalTales · 20/03/2022 15:20

I think they are obviously much closer than you think. My Mum had me very young and we were very close growing up and she often described me as her best friend. But there were still things I didn’t tell her, I was very close to my Godmother (DM’s best friend), it never crossed my mind to tell my Mum every time we messaged or spoke on the phone and at 17 how could you know this without monitoring her phone?

Her being close with someone else doesn’t mean you aren’t very close either. I do think you sound a bit in denial about the situation.

skybluee · 20/03/2022 15:23

It seems weird if they're not close. I'd try to figure out WHY your daughter is doing it - why does she want to get a rise out of you/get your attention/send one to this other woman? Maybe just ask her directly about it? It seems weird after the letter she sent. Honestly I think you should just ask her and speak to her when you're both in a good place, no time pressure and in a relaxed setting.

EmergencyHydrangea · 20/03/2022 15:38

I would be delighted that my daughter had another woman in her life she felt she could lean on. And of course a seventeen year old doesn't tell their actual mother everything, what a ridiculous and unhealthy idea.

Yummymummy2020 · 20/03/2022 15:56

Hmm. I always considered my gran and also my best friends mum growing up as second mums. I always got them cards. They took care of me a lot though from a young age so it is different if as you say they are not close. I wonder though, are there issues between you and your daughter that you are not aware of? Others have suggested she might confide in this other lady discreetly and I agree that’s very possible. 17 is such a tough age for a lot of teens. Something minor she may have done or said In your eyes may have meant the world to your teen. The fact your families spent a lot of time together as they all got on would suggest they could have a close relationship, though I would have thought you would have known if that was the case so I think I would ask your friend about it just to see if it’s troubling you a lot.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 20/03/2022 16:22

It's a tough one as I feel there's only two explanations which are at very opposite ends of the scale and without any of us knowing your DD, you or your friend it's hard to judge. Either your DD is being deliberately cruel to you or she's much closer to your friend than you realise. It's hard to see a middle ground between the two. Tough one, and I can see why either scenario isn't ideal for you.

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