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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't a lie in

95 replies

Oysterbabe · 20/03/2022 08:15

My 4 year old is a naturally early riser. He bounces out of bed at 5, sometimes before, shouting for me and asking for breakfast. I've tried to get him to stay in bed or his room at least but there's zero chance of him going back to sleep. He is full of beans. I get up with him every day. Occasionally at the weekend DH will 'let me have a lie in' on one of the days. What this means is that I get up at 5 as usual and a couple of hours later he wanders down and suggests I go back to bed. When I've been up for 2 hours, drank 3 cups of coffee, made breakfast and watched a film on Disney+ there's no chance of me going back to sleep. I sometimes go back to bed and just read or mumsnet. It gets my back up when he then says I had a lie in. It's not a lie in.

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 20/03/2022 09:43

PS I got very little sympathy from my mother ... guess who'd also had to deal with an early riser for years ...

takealettermsjones · 20/03/2022 09:43

I completely agree with PP that your husband is probably finding DS's preference very convenient.

You both work full time (ok you do four days) - so imo he needs to be getting up 3 mornings out of 7, one of them being a weekend day. There's really no reason why he can't be expected to do this. If DS kicks off and wants you, he deals with it. But watch out for him doing the whole, "you want mummy don't you, shall we go and get her" thing. 🙄

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 09:49

DH's reasoning is that DS wants me and will kick off if he goes down first.

We'll he needs to parent his way to a solution then doesn't he?

Him doing it less is only going to continue the issue...

As for the wording of him 'letting' you have a lie in.

You aren't default parent just because you have a vagina.

I'm sure his penis isn't so big he can't get out of bed and do his share of parenting.

Does he refer to any solo childcare (aka parenting) as 'helping you' or 'babysitting'? He sounds the type of he thinks getting his own kid up is doing you a massive favour or going above and beyond.

ComDummings · 20/03/2022 09:52

Take it in turns for lie ins. If your DH gets up and your 4yo kicks off then who cares? Let him kick off, he’s old enough to learn that sometimes daddy gets up with him.

MuggleMadness · 20/03/2022 09:54

You're both working, if he gets up every morning with DS, DS will soon get used to it and you can start to take turns.

Your current situation is madness & it's a wonder you have put up with it for so long.

Original poster
Oysterbabe · 20/03/2022 10:03

Thanks for the suggestions on improving sleep. He already has a groclock but he ignores it or pushes buttons until it shows the sun. It's set for 6 and on the rare unicorn days he stays in bed until then he's very proud of himself. Maybe changing it to 5:10 and the reward chart is the place to start.
He's in bed by 7:30 and asleep by 8. I already think that's on the later side. In my experience later bedtimes mean the same wake up time but a tired and grumpy boy.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 20/03/2022 10:07

I think that's it
It needs to be set at a time he can achieve and get rewarded for so that it's worth working for and then it can be gradually extended

peachgreen · 20/03/2022 10:10

What are the consequence when he gets up before his Gro-Clock or fiddles with it? When I was training DD (she was 4 in Feb) to stay in bed until her clock was green, on the rare occasions that she kicked off and insisted on getting up before then, there was no TV, no breakfast (she had water to drink) and no toys until it has turned green. I would just repeatedly say "it's not morning time yet so no TV/toys/breakfast". She soon learned that it was pretty boring and she was better off staying in bed so she could read her books and play with her toys. Now she's got the hang of it she quite often chooses to go back to sleep and I very rarely hear from her before her clock is green (8.30am in this house, but I appreciate that's quite late for most!).

Your DH is being an absolute arse and obviously he should be doing half of the early wake ups (including during the week!) but that aside, 5am starts are s no way to live!

yellowbridgebang · 20/03/2022 10:14

Presumably he is either in reception or going to reception in September? But you're treating him like an 18 month old.

Set some rules (before executing them so everyone is clear) and appropriate consequences. It'll be rough but then everyone will know where they stand. Or you carry on this charade and he'll still be asking for you at 5am every day while your husband gets plenty of sleep in 5 years time....

Steelesauce · 20/03/2022 10:20

Just chuck an ipad with headphones at him? I'm a lone parent, this is how I deal with days I want a lie in. Probably not the best but needs must. I have a 3, 6 and 9 year old, now well trained enough for me to sleep in til 9.

princesspq · 20/03/2022 10:22

I think sometimes my DH needs just as much gradual adjustment to change as my DC does! If i want something to change I need to actively sit down and have a conversation about it and what my expectations are, then there's no chance he can say he didn't understand

PermanentTemporary · 20/03/2022 10:23

Yup I agree thats not a lie in. I believe they need to get up, do the first 2-3 hours during which time they take the child OUT in an ideal world.

My sister did the first stint on her own for 15 years, 2 kids. Divorced now. Her ex can't beleeeeeeeeve how cruel she is.

BillyBarryBoo · 20/03/2022 10:25

You need to have your lie in on a Saturday. Then if you don't actually get it, you either get to try again on Sunday, or you wake DH during his lie in at the same time you were woken the previous day. So you both get a decent lie in, or nobody does

Spottybluepyjamas · 20/03/2022 10:26

Why isn't your DH getting up with him on one of the weekend days anyway? It's only fair to alternate mornings. In answer to your question though - no, that's absolutely not a lie in

WaterBottle123 · 20/03/2022 10:39

OP this REALLY isn't about solving your DS's sleep. That will naturally improve over time,

Your DH won't and his opted put of parenting will only get worse.

Put your foot down now. Or you'll hate him in a few years for caring so little for your needs

Hercisback · 20/03/2022 10:42

Having seen you work all week too, your DH is massively unreasonable!

Split lie ins between you and tell him to get up.

underneaththeash · 20/03/2022 10:49

You need to be more grumpy in the morning with him. Tell him you’re tired.
On a Saturday night remind him that daddy is getting up with him tomorrow and you’re going to be really cross if he wakes you up too.
You have as much right to a decent night’s sleep as everyone else.

Sceptre86 · 20/03/2022 10:55

It isn't a lie in and I think almost all posters would agree. Sending your dh to do one of the days at the weekend with him isn't a big ask, he may well kick off but he won't do that every week. Also at 4 surely you can explain that daddy will be getting up with him and talk about all the fun things they can do. You haven't mentioned if there are any sen at play but my 4 year old would understand. It seems that you've gotten into a routine that works for you dh and son but not for you. If you're not bothered by it, fair enough but I'd be taking steps to make this fair and getting your son used to playing on his own.

Babyboomtastic · 20/03/2022 11:04

The weekend lie in is a red herring here. You work 4 days, he 5, so he should do 3 mornings a week and you 4, as a minimum.

Lazy git.

NameChChChChanges1 · 20/03/2022 11:05

Go to a hotel

And with our early riser DS we give him picture instructions next to his digital clock:

5 = pic of a boy sleeping (he has to stay in bed)
6 = pic of a boy playing (he has to play quietly in his room)
7 = pic of a boy eating breakfast (he's allowed to wake us up for breakfast)

We had fucking years of 5am wake ups though and it was torture.

But seriously, go to a hotel for 2 nights and let your "D"h deal with it

ChiselandBits · 20/03/2022 11:12

Can I just say my DS was like this and the Gro clock didnt work. He didn't have the self control. The issue is with DH not ds

OatmilkandCookies · 20/03/2022 11:13

He's the one having a lie in if you get up at 5. Surely you would do you take take turns getting up so the other gets a lie in?

Ca6444443 · 20/03/2022 11:14

What a prick why can’t he get up and take them out so you can sleep if they always want you? Your working just as much god I would be absolutely fuming.

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 11:19

Nope not a lie in! Personally I wouldn't mess around with his bedtimes hoping for a later start to the day as it'll probably just be more frustrating. I would though think of things he can do in his room maybe? We have a yoto and it's great, he will happily pick it up and pop a card in or listen to the radio on it for a bit when he wakes up if the sun hasn't appeared on it yet (the moon icon changes to the sun at 7am).

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 11:19

Of course he should absolutely be getting up at 5 with him and allowing you to have an actual lie in.

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