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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just have a moan and a handhold about the primary school years

96 replies

Deereemer · 19/03/2022 23:49

Ds is year 7 and dd year 3,both going through same small local primary school. I am just SO tired of it. If a family has a hard time like cheating or poor finances or god forbid SS it is manna from heavan forall the gossiping. Judging and competivity on parenting, income, social status, cars, book bands, child popularity, weight loss, exercise, size of 40th bday party, generosity of GPs... Endless.
Im SO tired of it. Ds in year7 doesn't even feel like a break because everyone goes to the secondary.
I try to take a step back, be friendly but not too close, open but not tell everyone everything, non critical, non competitive and offer play dates and give a decent birthday party to the whole class each year. I feel like what more can i do? Its just such a horrible place. Is this just my middle England primary school right now in 2022? Or other places better? Aibu to think not every primary school in the uk is full of this?

OP posts:
Papayamya · 19/03/2022 23:52

I'm sure your experience isn't unique, but no, not every primary school is the same.

raspberryjamchicken · 19/03/2022 23:57

I think you have been unlucky - my primary school experience hasn't been like this. However I have always worked at least 3 days a week and full-time for the past 2 years (ironically in a primary school!) so have rarely been at the school gates. Perhaps that means I am less likely to know about any gossiping or judging. Maybe they are all judging me for working and I just don't know it because I'm not there!

raspberryjamchicken · 19/03/2022 23:58

Of the parents I do know though, absolutely none would voice any judgements about others' finances.

Spudina · 20/03/2022 00:02

I’ve never heard people talking the way you describe. But I don’t get involved. I exchanged pleasantries and that’s it.
The whole class parties are ridiculous after the first couple of years. By year one your kid knows who their actual friends are. Just do an activity for a few friends. The parents don’t want to be forced to go to another party for some kid their kid barely knows.

lifeuphigh · 20/03/2022 00:05

Small private primary and I don't recognise any of this. No gossip, no judgement, genuine inclusivity, genuine helpfulness, just a whole bunch of really lovely families. And I'm always at the school gates and very chatty so I think I would hear it if it was going on...

LollyLol · 20/03/2022 03:34

That sounds awful. My DD's school is nothing like that. I think you have been exceptionally unlucky. Most parents I meet are funny, self-deprecating about their parenting skills, and real. And wary about bragging and being a nob, especially knowing that other people struggle, and you literally have no idea what other people are dealing with.

Can you just smile and nod and change the subject, or snile and nod and get away from them?!

Monty27 · 20/03/2022 03:39

OP are you a single parent and do you work?

EllaVaNight · 20/03/2022 04:02

Never experienced this but then I don't entertain gossip/drama anyway so wouldn't hear about it. I don't tell anyone personal issues unless I can trust them so people would have nothing to gossip about anyway. Also I have always worked so don't have time to habe around chatting forever.

Lady0racle · 20/03/2022 04:37

My DCs school could be like this I suppose. But I work full time so my kids are in wraparound care and I’m never at the school gates. Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t get to collect from school, but then I read posts like yours and think that there are definite upsides!

Nat6999 · 20/03/2022 04:40

I hated the primary school years, school was a single class per year school. Parents (mainly mums) were so up themselves, they nearly all knew each other from either church or from being pupilsat the school themselves. School pick ups & drop offs were like a fashion show, the mum's all had their own little gangs & spent time bitching about the outsiders like me. It was one of the happiest days of my life when ds left to go to secondary school as there were only three pupils including ds going to the local secondary, everyone else was going to the church school.

Fedupbuyer · 20/03/2022 07:20

I keep myself to myself,I don’t engage with school parents,I will politely smile but that is it.

AlongCameBetsy · 20/03/2022 07:29

I don't interact with parents much. Breakfast club drop off and after school pick up - I don't see anyone. That fine by me, I don't have time!

londonrach · 20/03/2022 07:33

Never heard anything like you say. We talk about the weather in the playground

Oysterbabe · 20/03/2022 07:33

Sounds horrible.
Our school isn't like this. I genuinely like most of the other mums, they're just normal, perfectly nice women.

SallyWD · 20/03/2022 07:37

My children are at a small primary school where everyone knows everyone else and I don't recognise this at all. I think you've been unlucky.

Fluffruff · 20/03/2022 07:42

I don’t really recognise this. I wouldn’t have a clue what book bands other children are on etc , I know a few parents fairly well but we’d just never talk about something like this. Then again I’m only at the class door twice a week due to wraparound care etc. How do all these school parents know so much OP? Do they stand around talking about the size of 40th birthday parties? So bizarre!

GoldenGorilla · 20/03/2022 07:46

We’ve been at two primary schools and don’t recognise that at all, think you’ve been unlucky!

NerrSnerr · 20/03/2022 07:50

I have two at primary and it's not like this at all. I have a small group of parents/ grandparents who I'm friends with because of the children and we don't know what's going on with everyone else. Certainly no talk of all the things like weight loss etc

Footballsundays6777 · 20/03/2022 07:50

I’ve a couple of school mum friends but mainly avoid school chat and other parents at all costs.
There probably is gossiping I’d imagine but I’m so far out of the loop and I just don’t care.

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 07:53

Thanks all much appreciated to hear all views. I try not to get involved as I work full time so i just try to make sure I do a few play dates for my dc each year. I have been unlucky in that exh had a breakdown after losing both his parents which was hard, and it felt like other mums just wanted to hear the latest from the horses mouth so maybe im jaded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 07:57

To qualify about the subjects conversation move from hi its a nice day isnt it to 'well i don't know how she affords that car not working must have that dp round her little finger' very quickly and from the majority of parents i even pass the time with. I shut it down but it never really stops in any context that i have to see other parents in.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/03/2022 07:59

It's not like this at DS's primary. I don't socialise with any of the parents though beyond a hello at pick up time.

thesparkthatbled · 20/03/2022 08:00

I don't recognise this at all. I've made good friends with some parents at our school, so I'm just say hi to, so I've never spoken to.
Most people seem to just be getting on with their day, I'm sure some gossiping probably goes on somewhere, but I have no appetite for drama so wouldnt have a clue!

No idea how anyone would know what book band other kids are in or anything like that (or indeed why anyone would bother to pass comment even if they did)

KatherineJaneway · 20/03/2022 08:03

Sounds like my primary in the 70's

Hellooooo754 · 20/03/2022 08:05

Mine isn’t as bad as yours, but there’s a bit of gossiping to be found if you look for it, for sure. I think it’s like anywhere though. In an office there’d be gossiping / politics if you look for it.

Have you seen Motherland? It might make you laugh.

I don’t engage much as it isn’t my thing. We do play dates with the best friends, but mostly do clubs (swimming etc) after school.