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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just have a moan and a handhold about the primary school years

96 replies

Deereemer · 19/03/2022 23:49

Ds is year 7 and dd year 3,both going through same small local primary school. I am just SO tired of it. If a family has a hard time like cheating or poor finances or god forbid SS it is manna from heavan forall the gossiping. Judging and competivity on parenting, income, social status, cars, book bands, child popularity, weight loss, exercise, size of 40th bday party, generosity of GPs... Endless.
Im SO tired of it. Ds in year7 doesn't even feel like a break because everyone goes to the secondary.
I try to take a step back, be friendly but not too close, open but not tell everyone everything, non critical, non competitive and offer play dates and give a decent birthday party to the whole class each year. I feel like what more can i do? Its just such a horrible place. Is this just my middle England primary school right now in 2022? Or other places better? Aibu to think not every primary school in the uk is full of this?

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 20/03/2022 09:29

'Not disingenuous, I just don't involve myself with the other parents to know all these ins and outs. I pick up DS and leave, I'm not interested in engaging in small talk. I don't even know the names of most of the parents and DS is in year 4.'

Then you're not one of the 'some people' to whom I'm referring. In fact, if you deliberately steer clear, you wouldn't know whether OP's experience is also true of your school.

All I'm saying is that 'school gate gossip' is a fairly well-established trope, and while I definitely agree that OP's is an extreme experience, I've certainly known a fair amount of drama in the years my three have attended the pretty rural, one-form entry, primary school. I don't know about anyone's financial struggles and I don't know about SS involvement (except for one family where mum is fairly vocal), but I do know who has shagged who, and who hates who.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/03/2022 09:32

@LetHimHaveIt

'Not disingenuous, I just don't involve myself with the other parents to know all these ins and outs. I pick up DS and leave, I'm not interested in engaging in small talk. I don't even know the names of most of the parents and DS is in year 4.'

Then you're not one of the 'some people' to whom I'm referring. In fact, if you deliberately steer clear, you wouldn't know whether OP's experience is also true of your school.

All I'm saying is that 'school gate gossip' is a fairly well-established trope, and while I definitely agree that OP's is an extreme experience, I've certainly known a fair amount of drama in the years my three have attended the pretty rural, one-form entry, primary school. I don't know about anyone's financial struggles and I don't know about SS involvement (except for one family where mum is fairly vocal), but I do know who has shagged who, and who hates who.

Well from these posts it seems like rural locations are where most of the gossip and drama occurs. I don't live rurally.
neverbeenskiing · 20/03/2022 09:33

I think some people are being a trifle disingenuous, OP - I absolutely recognize this. Not, admittedly, to the degree you're describing, but certainly a fair bit. The extra-marital affairs; the 'problem' kids; the inexplicable material wealth of the families on benefits.

Why would you think people are being disingenuous? There are plenty of parent's who manage not to get involved in this kind of gossip, they just drop the kids off, with a wave and a polite "hello" to other parents and leave. Others don't have time even if they wanted to. They rush to school, drop the kids off as quickly as possible, and rush to work. That's life for many people.

I wouldn't have the first clue about any other parents finances, their marriages etc because I don't engage beyond very brief small-talk at the gates or "is it non uniform day this Friday?" on the class WhatsApp group. I don't share information about my personal life with any of them and it wouldn't occur to me to ask about theirs because I'm not interested. But I imagine once you've become embroiled in this kind of gossip it must be hard to extricate yourself.

CollyFleur · 20/03/2022 09:35

My kids went to a one form entry primary school of c.210 kids. The most lovely place. Everyone know who each other's kids were. Of course there were some bad eggs but in the main, I have the best memories of that time of life and many great friends and long-standing acquaintances were made there - for me and my kids.

goodnightgrumble · 20/03/2022 09:38

With 5 children o have been going to primary school for 22 years. I just drop the kids and run! Don't need to get involved and I don't care what anyone thinks of me. Don't get involved. I still do play dates but not mums night outs etc and I have my own set of friends who o don't get time to see with. Just distance yourself!

ComDummings · 20/03/2022 09:39

This isn’t my experience either, I’m a SAHM who spends a lot of time on the school run. Mostly people keep to themselves and if we bump into other parents and walk with them we just chat about superficial things, what we are doing at the weekend or what’s in the news. Very little gossip or bitching or interest in what other people wear or what they have. I feel like this is going to become a SAHM bashing thread though.

Chely · 20/03/2022 09:40

I avoid talking to people on the school run.

neverbeenskiing · 20/03/2022 09:43

All I'm saying is that 'school gate gossip' is a fairly well-established trope, and while I definitely agree that OP's is an extreme experience, I've certainly known a fair amount of drama in the years my three have attended the pretty rural, one-form entry, primary school.

That's a choice though, isn't it? If a conversation speculating about someone else's marriage, finances or anything else that felt too personal, started at pickup I would happily move away and stand on my own rather than have any part in it. No one is forced to engage with the gossip or "drama".

PermanentTemporary · 20/03/2022 09:48

I definitely recognise what you mean, though ds's primary school years are thankfully some time in the past. In general I was really happy with the school and the experience but there were a few parents who might have got involved with this sort of stuff. It takes a critical mass of parents who won't entertain this sort of vicious gossip to counteract it. Sometimes only a few who just shut down those sorts of conversations and change the subject to something better can do the job. There's always a mass of followers who can be positive or negative depending on the vibe - I'm probably one of them- and a few who will go full on Stasi given the chance. Don't give them the chance.

I thought you meant the general grind of primary school - I was so so happy when it was over and having to be involved! Ds has less than 4 months left of his school career and I can't wait for the whole business to be over.

LetHimHaveIt · 20/03/2022 09:51

That's a choice though, isn't it? If a conversation speculating about someone else's marriage, finances or anything else that felt too personal, started at pickup I would happily move away and stand on my own rather than have any part in it. No one is forced to engage with the gossip or "drama".

No, that's absolutely true. Although a fair amount of gossip is acquired by osmosis: I wouldn't have been able to stand far enough away to not hear the two women having a shouting match, a little while ago.

LittleBearPad · 20/03/2022 09:55

I don’t really recognise the intensity of the gossip you describe OP. Every so often there’s a WhatsApp flap about something pointless but otherwise I have no idea about most of the stuff you mention. Most people walk so cars don’t get noticed and I think most people are too busy for gossiping.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 20/03/2022 10:05

I have had a similar experience OP. Moved from a city and no problem at all with the primary school with my oldest. Parents friendly and my DD made some lovely friendships who we still keep in touch with. I got along with the parents. No batching, just everyone got along.It is very different at the tiny village school when we moved.Sad to say I am counting the days now until my youngest leaves primary school. DS is in Year 6 and then I will have all 3dc's at secondary school. It has been very lonely but I always say hi and bye. Smile but because only 90 children in the school all the other parents know each other and generations have been to the school plus some of the teachers are related/friends with parents. Then again, my children have been happy at the school so that is all that matters to me.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 20/03/2022 10:06

No bitching

Mangogogogo · 20/03/2022 10:24

I’m not one for socialising at the school gates either.. drop the kids off and goodbye. I’ve never had this experience ever. I would say the majority of parents at mine drop and leave. The ones who gather about I couldn’t give a shite if they thought I was cheating or had money issues lol

Barbie222 · 20/03/2022 10:37

These things only take up as much of your mind as you let them. I'm sure there are lots of parents who don't have the school community in their mind at all apart from between 8.55-9 and 3.15-3.20. I don't!

CookieMunch · 20/03/2022 10:46

Sounds awful. Rural primary here and there’s none of this. I’d distance yourself from anyone like this. There must be another parent who feels like you about the gossip it’s just about how you find them.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 20/03/2022 11:04

I’m definitely not familiar with that dynamic in the city primary schools my kids have attended. Mostly the parents of the brightest children (free readers before the others etc) go out their way to be dismissive and not brag. I’m sure there will be pockets of bitches (I can probably guess who they are) but it’s not done openly and goes against the generally supportive culture.

Teachersaurus · 20/03/2022 11:33

School gates are peopled by bigger versions of those inside school. There are little groups of like-minded folks- some gossipy-some 'in crowd' , some sporty-fit, some bored and mischievous, some geeks - and some bullies too.

Don't offices get this sort of grouping too? Your impressions are based on who you end up next to.

Our seaside little-town primary had the full range but when our family hit sudden deep trouble, we found amazing kindness right across the crowd... even the least likely parts!

SmellyWellyWoo · 20/03/2022 11:44

Get a full time job and avoid the school gates. I only pick up DD once a week from the playground and it's very freeing. It's also a big school with two classes per year which also helps you feel more anonymous because there are so many other parents.

SmellyWellyWoo · 20/03/2022 11:46

I also always wear headphones! I'd rather listen to my own music than other people in that situation.

stargirl1701 · 20/03/2022 12:05

We live semi-rurally but 95% of the children are on the school bus to and from school. Drop off and pick up is the farm road end. I rarely see any parents!

Hm2020 · 20/03/2022 12:34

Mine is not like that at all and although all parents in our class particularly friendly but not judgemental and no one has ever mentioned anyone’s car that’s for sure most don’t even drive as we’re in London it’s very mixed I’m a single parent on fsm and his friends parents are an academic and ones a social worker everyone gets on fine and occasionally helps with pick ups or drop offs your situation sounds awful

ReadyToMoveIt · 20/03/2022 13:44

I feel like this is going to become a SAHM bashing thread though

Yeah, people suggesting that SAHM’s have nothing better to do than stand around gossiping and causing drama while working mums are far too busy and important to get involved.
I have been both a SAHM and a full time working mum and have never come across people like those described in the OP.

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 17:39

Thanks all i really appreciate your perspectives. Not really a sahm vs wohm thread as I've been both, just an oh my kerrist how much longer do I have to deal with this for. I just find it hard and i think because we are dfl just before starting at said small 1 form entry primary wirh mixed year groups, and i just didn't realise what it would be like and its just been hard and im a bit sad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 17:51

But i must say... I think it does appear from this thresd that there are those saying not their experience of their semi rural primary are either total non engagers or maybe part of the competitive in-groupers? Not wishing to be goady. Anyway. As i say just a bit sad and thinking about moving.

OP posts: