To just have a moan and a handhold about the primary school years

[Deereemer]

Ds is year 7 and dd year 3,both going through same small local primary school. I am just SO tired of it. If a family has a hard time like cheating or poor finances or god forbid SS it is manna from heavan forall the gossiping. Judging and competivity on parenting, income, social status, cars, book bands, child popularity, weight loss, exercise, size of 40th bday party, generosity of GPs... Endless.
Im SO tired of it. Ds in year7 doesn't even feel like a break because everyone goes to the secondary.
I try to take a step back, be friendly but not too close, open but not tell everyone everything, non critical, non competitive and offer play dates and give a decent birthday party to the whole class each year. I feel like what more can i do? Its just such a horrible place. Is this just my middle England primary school right now in 2022? Or other places better? Aibu to think not every primary school in the uk is full of this?

Are the people saying it isn't there experience in cities?
Im wondering if its because we are in a semi rural and quite regressive area for women - lots dont work, scared to leave if unhappy as where would they live etc etc.

Not my experience and moved a lot due to work. Nice people mainly.. odd nutter...that's life..

if you work full time are you there for pick up drop off?
just stand outside
or find others to stand with, who dont bitch

I drop mine at school gates and they walk in now- bliss so no contact at drop off. Pick up I stay in car until after gates open then walk in by which time most people have cleared out.

Single form entry primary here, and don't recognise your experience at all.

Another saying think you have been very unlucky. I have had 3 in primary and never anything like you describe. I only pick up once a week and chat is mainly about weather always being awful at 3pm and people reminding each other about swimming/dress up day. I am sure there are some people who do talk about the stuff you mention but I assume they just do it to each other, it certainly isnt a main feature at the school gates at my kids school.

Thars the problem mrslarge, i don't meet any that don't bitch! Its seen as acceptable 🤷‍♀️

I am going to stereotype wildly based on my experience here, but most of the mums (and dads) I know at our school are working professionals who haven’t got time or inclination for this nonsense. There seems to be more gossiping and cliquey behaviour from the SAHMs.

@AlongCameBetsy

I don't interact with parents much. Breakfast club drop off and after school pick up - I don't see anyone. That fine by me, I don't have time!

Same here - didn’t do school gates. Much easier drop off and collecting from breakfast and after school club as everyone was arriving at different times.

@Deereemer

Are the people saying it isn't there experience in cities? Im wondering if its because we are in a semi rural and quite regressive area for women - lots dont work, scared to leave if unhappy as where would they live etc etc.

I’m in a semi rural area on the edge of a city, and I don’t recognise your experience at all. Mine have all gone through primary now and whilst there were some parents I didn’t really know or who weren’t of cup of year, they were all reasonably normal, perfectly fine, women.

Most were nice and I enjoyed a quick chat about the weather with them for a few minutes!

The prob where i am is that the working mums feel guilty so try to fit in with the sahms who usually have far more money and time

Don’t recognise this.

A friend bought a house in a village near a big town (south east england) and sent her DC to the school, which was one class in a year group, and mentioned things that seem a bit like this. Gossip, lots of moaning about the school and things. This and other things they disliked about the social side of living there were big factors in she and her H deciding to sell the house and move to the town.

Yes, definitely. We live in a fairly affluent, semi-rural location and lots of the mothers don't work. When I was a sahm I used to be much more involved in the whole school gates thing. It's so relentlessly bitchy and competitive. I think I was basically in one of those cliques that you often see referenced in Mumsnet, although it wasn't deliberate. They were just the mothers I had met at baby groups and then the kids had gone to the same primary school. It was one of the reasons I decided to go back to work honestly. My world had become way too small and toxic.

Luckily we don't have this but I also don't get involved with gossip as such

That sounds awful. I’ve never experienced it or heard of an experienced like this, although I’m sure it’s not unique.

There must be some nice parents? Or yes, step back completely.

@Deereemer

Are the people saying it isn't there experience in cities? Im wondering if its because we are in a semi rural and quite regressive area for women - lots dont work, scared to leave if unhappy as where would they live etc etc.

Yes, that might be a factor

Unhappy people sometimes enjoy unhappiness in others.

I imagine you live in the 'commuter belt' which can be highly competitive.
Not everywhere is like this, not at all.

@Deereemer

Are the people saying it isn't there experience in cities? Im wondering if its because we are in a semi rural and quite regressive area for women - lots dont work, scared to leave if unhappy as where would they live etc etc.

Possibly. I'm in a large working class town, I don't think there's many SAHMs who don't work at all, we've all got enough to be getting on with rather than gossiping about others.

@Deereemer

Are the people saying it isn't there experience in cities? Im wondering if its because we are in a semi rural and quite regressive area for women - lots dont work, scared to leave if unhappy as where would they live etc etc.

I live in London. Gossip happens, but nowhere near the intensity you’re taking about. Probably because we’re all going out to work straight after drop off so don’t have the headspace!

We have a few months left to go of this crap and I cannot wait for it to end. Small village primary, parenting cliques mirrored by children’s cliques. My child has had trouble since day one as we moved into the area just before she started Reception and so she didn’t attend the village pre-school. This has, ridiculously, set the tone for her entire primary school experience. Plus, there is only one small class per year, so difficult making different friends, and many kids in the class are related to each other so if one of them (or a parent) decides to turn their nose up at you, you’ve had it.

And, all the bloody emails from primary school. I had 12 the other day, all asking for donations, costumes, payment, outfits for performances (no, I won’t be buying a pair of ‘jazz shoes’ for DD for one two minute performance) and special days requiring particular coloured clothing.

Bring on secondary school, I say.

I'm also sick of the we aren't wearing the branded uniform you paid a small fortune for but please spend on this charity stuff...

I think some people are being a trifle disingenuous, OP - I absolutely recognize this. Not, admittedly, to the degree you're describing, but certainly a fair bit. The extra-marital affairs; the 'problem' kids; the inexplicable material wealth of the families on benefits. I'm a single mum and hold down three jobs to make ends meet, but I'm privately educated and have two degrees: so I'm very much seen as 'poor but plucky' 😂 I have to say that (nearly) everybody is very kind to each other with lifts; ad hoc babysitting; loans of clothing and equipment. For example, I did some very late-minute babysitting for one of the particularly wealthy families in the village a few weeks ago and, although it killed me to turn down the proffered crispy twenties, I remembered how kind they'd been about getting some medication for my elderly parent, and how they'd offered a lift to the surgery on another occasion. It really does all 'go around' rather well.

@LetHimHaveIt

I think some people are being a trifle disingenuous, OP - I absolutely recognize this. Not, admittedly, to the degree you're describing, but certainly a fair bit. The extra-marital affairs; the 'problem' kids; the inexplicable material wealth of the families on benefits. I'm a single mum and hold down three jobs to make ends meet, but I'm privately educated and have two degrees: so I'm very much seen as 'poor but plucky' 😂 I have to say that (nearly) everybody is very kind to each other with lifts; ad hoc babysitting; loans of clothing and equipment. For example, I did some very late-minute babysitting for one of the particularly wealthy families in the village a few weeks ago and, although it killed me to turn down the proffered crispy twenties, I remembered how kind they'd been about getting some medication for my elderly parent, and how they'd offered a lift to the surgery on another occasion. It really does all 'go around' rather well.

Not disingenuous, I just don't involve myself with the other parents to know all these ins and outs. I pick up DS and leave, I'm not interested in engaging in small talk. I don't even know the names of most of the parents and DS is in year 4.

Ours is nothing like that. DCs in two different run through independent schools in London - very competitive entry so you may think would attract a certain type.
Clearly the vast majority are earning well and some extremely well but you just can’t tell. No-one talks about their child’s achievements, no idea of the cars they drive etc. No cliques between children or parents but friendship circles do form naturally.
Maybe we have been lucky between the two schools and year groups.

@LetHimHaveIt

I think some people are being a trifle disingenuous, OP - I absolutely recognize this. Not, admittedly, to the degree you're describing, but certainly a fair bit. The extra-marital affairs; the 'problem' kids; the inexplicable material wealth of the families on benefits. I'm a single mum and hold down three jobs to make ends meet, but I'm privately educated and have two degrees: so I'm very much seen as 'poor but plucky' 😂 I have to say that (nearly) everybody is very kind to each other with lifts; ad hoc babysitting; loans of clothing and equipment. For example, I did some very late-minute babysitting for one of the particularly wealthy families in the village a few weeks ago and, although it killed me to turn down the proffered crispy twenties, I remembered how kind they'd been about getting some medication for my elderly parent, and how they'd offered a lift to the surgery on another occasion. It really does all 'go around' rather well.

I’m not being disingenuous, I genuinely don’t recognise this. Our school is a smallish village primary, I happily chat to other parents at pick up but there’s no talk about other peoples finances etc, and I have no idea what book band anyone else is on! We usually just chat about things like weekend plans, general chit chat… maybe they all slag me off when I leave 🤷🏻‍♀️