AIBU to say DC can't spend time with exH's housemate?

[Argh2022]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

ExH told me this week he might move in a lodger soon. He told the DC the person's name and several details, eg they'll bring some pets with them. He's already asked permission from the letting agent. So all a lot more nailed down than he made me think. ExH is renting, so it's unlikely to be a lodger arrangement - more likely to both be tenants.

Potential housemate is an activist, and some of what exH told the DC about this person's views has already been parroted back to me by DC. This particular kind of activism (belligerent online personality, threats against anyone who disagrees etc) is not something I want around my DC. ExH is armchair/online activist-adjacent. Before we left, he devoted his time to building his online presence (unbeknownst to me - I happened upon his huge follower count months later), separating himself from all of us in the same house. He sometimes didn't see the DC for an entire week despite living in the same house. We are still scarred by his erratic behaviour during this time.

ExH met the potential housemate on the internet, as far as I know. Person is unemployed, as far as I can work out, so no DBS. No idea where money for rent will come from.

ExH is struggling for money (he spent thousands on, essentially, toys in the past year - tv, PS5, lots of others). He has a very good salary, but, I assume, lots of debt to repay. He pays maintenance, but not very regularly because he's often short of money before payday. He has a very good job. I've been flexible and accommodating about this to keep the peace.

DC see him several times a week but don't sleep over. They've had a rocky relationship because exH is unable to consider anyone's needs except his own. Younger DC's school raised safeguarding concerns about his behaviour towards DC a few months ago.

ExH was emotionally abusive to me before I left with DC (I had help from domestic violence charity) and continues to be emotionally abusive to the DC (gaslighting).

AIBU to say DC can't go to exH's house and he'll have to see them elsewhere?

(Also, this might be unpopular on MN, but I have a real dislike of pets for germophobe reasons and don't want DC to be around this person's pets as I'll have to deal with hair, smell etc.)

Even if there wasn't a new housemate there's safeguarding concerns so I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised visits in his home no. Does he have parents or other family nearby?

@Cakecakecheese

Even if there wasn't a new housemate there's safeguarding concerns so I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised visits in his home no. Does he have parents or other family nearby?

No family nearby, and DC were uncomfortable with them last time they saw them (first time in several years) because they crossed personal boundaries and ExH was absolutely no help.

YABU

It is not clear why you don't trust the activist but whether you are right or wrong, the question is whether your husband or a court would let you forbid contact with that person

@Cakecakecheese

Even if there wasn't a new housemate there's safeguarding concerns so I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised visits in his home no. Does he have parents or other family nearby?

I assume he has parental responsibility so it is not as straightforward as that.

The pets aren't an issue and I wouldn't muddy the waters by mentioning that in your reasoning (unless there is something you haven't mentioned, like the pet being a banned breed dog or DC having a severe allergy).

I'd focus on the safeguarding issues.

Could you use something like Sarah's Law to get checks done too, just in case your ex does introduce DC to this person?

Don't mention the pets, it's likely to make you sound unreasonable - concentrate on genuine concerns, and ask that a background check is done on the lodger. You need to make sure you ask things that genuine not just those that could be considered spiteful especially if you end up seeking a legal remedy

Depends on what you mean by school having Safeguarding issues? As to pets, you have no say on that.

Not a dangerous dog, no. Quite normal and average pets, just not something I want around my kids on a regular basis.

We've not been to court and I'm keen to avoid it. I doubt a judge would care about my concerns as ExH has PR, so his judgement of housemate counts too. I've tried to explain my worries to ExH but he isn't receptive. He never is.

I previously tried to get him to understand that youngest DC was struggling with contact arrangements and we'd need to change timings slightly. He dug his heels in until school noticed DC's anxiety and talked to them about their feelings (exH not very caring and quite harsh/shouty sometimes, so DC were anxious when at his house). Then ExH suddenly agreed to my plan.

I promised myself I'd listen to my instincts from now on as not doing so before caused DC quite a lot of anxiety. ExH just won't take my word for it - I had to ask the head teacher to explain it all to him previously.

I think with the pets YABU. With the lodger or indeed the dad if there are genuine safeguarding reasons the kids shouldn’t go there. But if it’s just that he’s a bit of an arse YABU- I’m sure you wouldn’t expect your ex to vet all of your friends before the kids meet them. How old are the kids?

YANBU to have concerns, but I don't know if you can do anything. Unfortunately once parents separate, you have very little control over what happens to your dc in the other parent's care and you could end up being the one to lose them if a judge thinks you're blocking contact.

If he is their father and has parental responsibility, then he has the right to make decisions about who is in contact with them while they are in his care. If you have a valid safeguarding concern about someone, with evidence to back it up, then you can try to prevent contact, but you would have to go to court and prove there was a risk of harm.

You definitely don't have the right to dictate that they don't come into contact with animals! Ex can fill his house with pets if he wants to - that's his jurisdiction.

I know you say you would prefer to avoid court, but it might be worth considering doing that to formalise the arrangements - because you sound rather confused about what the boundaries are and who has authority over what.

You should get help for your issues, rather than ban your DC from going into houses with pets, how is that sustainable? He could be a lodger. When the bedroom tax came in I know of a few people who had lodgers, not co tenants. You're going to have to use whatever law you can to check out the lodger and listen for red flags. Learn to get information from the children without questioning them.

YABU! It doesn't sound like any genuine safeguarding issues you just don't like the sound of him. You can't stop contact because you don't like the idea of your ex's housemate. Court wouldn't stop contact if it went to it. Loads of parents move in with other people (partners, housemates or family etc) and they won't be DBS checked etc.

What's the problem with the pets??

If there are safeguarding concerns about your ex, you need to act on them of course.

If you are finding excuses to keep your children away from him because you don’t like animals and aren’t keen on his housemate, you are doing an awful thing, skirting close to parental alienation.

I can’t tell from what you’ve written which it is.

What's wrong with them being around pets? Your DH could decide to get any number of pets tomorrow and there's nothing you could do about it unless they were banned breeds.

You can dislike this new lodger but ultimately it's not up to you. Your ex has every right to decide who he allows around his DC, just like you do when they're at your house.

i think you are clutching at straws a bit here tbh

if he goes to court with this a judge won't really be overly concerned unless a cafcass report indicates something

cafcass are unlikely to see much of an issue here. how old are dc?

@Flossieskeeper

Yanbu To summarise the issues mentioned : He doesn’t pay regular maintenance He isn’t cooperative with you as a parent He doesn’t listen to any of your concerns and the school has raised safeguarding concerns Dc have been anxious visiting him He’s moving in some internet random and your expected to be ok with this? No background check and not willing to listen to you or the kids?

Out of interest this person views - are we talking about leaning to the far right here?

isn't cooperative as a parent....translated as he doesn't do as he's told! that will be because he's the other parent who is an equal and does things differently!

are we asking all mums with residency to ensure new boyfriends have a DBS now? which one? who pays?

@Flossieskeeper

Yanbu To summarise the issues mentioned : He doesn’t pay regular maintenance He isn’t cooperative with you as a parent He doesn’t listen to any of your concerns and the school has raised safeguarding concerns Dc have been anxious visiting him He’s moving in some internet random and your expected to be ok with this? No background check and not willing to listen to you or the kids?

Out of interest this person views - are we talking about leaning to the far right here?

Not far right. Very vocal trans activist. (Not trying to drip feed. I have no issue with trans people, but the activism goes a bit far sometimes.)

DC are 5 and 12.

None of your business.. With PR your ex gets to decide what his dc do and who they are around in his time. Would you like him trying to dictate to you op?

I am afraid to say that unless there are actual safeguarding concerns then who your ex has in his property when your children are there is of no relevance to you the same way your ex can't dictate who you have in your property.