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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say DC can't spend time with exH's housemate?

75 replies

Argh2022 · 19/03/2022 14:58

Name changed for obvious reasons.

ExH told me this week he might move in a lodger soon. He told the DC the person's name and several details, eg they'll bring some pets with them. He's already asked permission from the letting agent. So all a lot more nailed down than he made me think. ExH is renting, so it's unlikely to be a lodger arrangement - more likely to both be tenants.

Potential housemate is an activist, and some of what exH told the DC about this person's views has already been parroted back to me by DC. This particular kind of activism (belligerent online personality, threats against anyone who disagrees etc) is not something I want around my DC. ExH is armchair/online activist-adjacent. Before we left, he devoted his time to building his online presence (unbeknownst to me - I happened upon his huge follower count months later), separating himself from all of us in the same house. He sometimes didn't see the DC for an entire week despite living in the same house. We are still scarred by his erratic behaviour during this time.

ExH met the potential housemate on the internet, as far as I know. Person is unemployed, as far as I can work out, so no DBS. No idea where money for rent will come from.

ExH is struggling for money (he spent thousands on, essentially, toys in the past year - tv, PS5, lots of others). He has a very good salary, but, I assume, lots of debt to repay. He pays maintenance, but not very regularly because he's often short of money before payday. He has a very good job. I've been flexible and accommodating about this to keep the peace.

DC see him several times a week but don't sleep over. They've had a rocky relationship because exH is unable to consider anyone's needs except his own. Younger DC's school raised safeguarding concerns about his behaviour towards DC a few months ago.

ExH was emotionally abusive to me before I left with DC (I had help from domestic violence charity) and continues to be emotionally abusive to the DC (gaslighting).

AIBU to say DC can't go to exH's house and he'll have to see them elsewhere?

(Also, this might be unpopular on MN, but I have a real dislike of pets for germophobe reasons and don't want DC to be around this person's pets as I'll have to deal with hair, smell etc.)

OP posts:

Getoff · 20/03/2022 09:30

Thanks. So useful. So polite. So supportive.

Don't dismiss this as an insult. They are intentionally using strong language in order to get through to you. I agree with what they said, as well as the way they said it. You need to interpret the "shouting" (strong language) not as a sign of their unreasonableness, but as evidence of how unreasonable you look to them.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 20/03/2022 09:37

Totally agree that the pet thing will only hinder you. I'm afraid to say that it is not reasonable and would definitely reduce you credibility in a judge/magistrates/any other professionals eyes.

Seriously - you have to just stop talking about it except in private to personal friends/family.

My ex smokes and the dc always come back stinking. I have to wash everything and air stuff for days and their toys which can't be washed smell for over a week after they get back. I hate it, but in my recent court case I have never mentioned it because it is just not relevant.

Safeguarding issues are the only thing that should make any difference to their going to contact. I am very much with you and would be very very worried if my ex was moving in an internet random.

I think I'd try to get advice from a family solicitor, explain your concerns, show them the batshit that the person posts, go from there. No-one on here, not knowing all the details, can properly advise you.

jytdtysrht · 20/03/2022 09:46

Regarding the pet issue, could you get them each a couple of sets of clothing that they wear at his and you could stick them on a hot wash when they return to yours?

saraclara · 20/03/2022 09:47

I agree with everyone about the pet thing. There is no inevitable clean up. This is an unusual issue that you have, and it could be claimed that it's damaging to your children.

They can shower when they get in and put clothes in the wash, but anything other than that is both unnecessary and will give them the same issues that you have. Which is not good.

I don't have pets myself so have no skin in this game, but even I am having to work hard not to see your other, probably perfectly reasonable issues with your ex, through this OTT lens. So definitely don't mention it to anyone else.

Aworldofmyown · 20/03/2022 09:59

I'm amazed at how many people would happily allow their children to spend a significant amount of time at a house where a total stranger lives whom their father met on the internet.
YABU over the pet thing.

PonyPatter44 · 20/03/2022 10:00

Focus on the important thing here - your children's safety while they're with their dad. Stress to them that if anything happens that makes them feel "funny" or uncomfortable, they can always come straight to you and tell you. Remind both of them about secrets - good adults don't ask kids to keep secrets.

This is the best thing you can do to keep them safe. You can't stop them going, so make sure they're safe while they're there. And for goodness sake, stop letting him call the shots about maintenance. Get to the CMS and formalise it. He'll have plenty of spare money now he has a housemate, won't he?

Original poster

Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 10:02

Thank you, I do get that the pet issue is a non-starter and my own issue that I can't put on the DC. I won't mention it to people I might contact for advice. I suppose the good thing about it is that DC get close contact with pets without me having to feed them or pay for the vet.

What I hate about this situation though is that I am being forced, yet again, to be there for the DC when the emotional fall out hits. Of course that's what I'm here for, but ExH doesn't leave us time to get back on an even keel between episodes where he messes up or makes big changes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 10:03

@PonyPatter44

I might, otherwise I'm not doing the right thing by the children. But he'll see it as revenge for the house mate thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 10:04

@Aworldofmyown

Yes, I don't get it. It's different, I suppose, when it's abstract and you're reading about it on Mumsnet compared to when it's your own children being forced into this situation.

OP posts:

AwkwardPaws27 · 20/03/2022 10:08

But he'll see it as revenge for the house mate thing

Don't mention the housemate in relation to the CMS claim. Say "you've been late / not paid on x number of occasions in the last year/6 months/whatever. I don't have time to keep chasing and the money is to support the children. Doing it informally does not work so we need to go through the CMS".

Dishwashersaurous · 20/03/2022 10:08

It's not that people are OK with the stranger thing, but it's being realistic about what you can do about it.

You need to formalise child support and maintenance arrangements. Quickly. CMS and probably court.

CannaBelieve · 20/03/2022 10:10

@Aworldofmyown

Does that work for 'the mother' too then?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/03/2022 10:14

As long as your dc's other parent considers this person suitable, then you don't get to judge. You could perhaps ask for a Sarah's Law disclosure to make sure he isn't a threat.
The pets issue makes you sound a bit bonkers and will probably do more damage to your children than being around someone whose opinions don't align with yours.

Original poster

Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 10:22

Does that work for 'the mother' too then?

I don't meet up with randoms from the internet and definitely don't make my kids spend time with strangers from my life.

OP posts:

Changechangychange · 20/03/2022 10:23

@Aworldofmyown

One parent can’t stop children seeing the other parent because they don’t like one of their friends.

Can you imagine how abusive fathers would misuse it if they had the power to ban children from contact with mothers because they didn’t like their new partner/friend/family member?

drspouse · 20/03/2022 10:24

If the housemate is a batshit TRA I'm willing to bet he has some of the following on his SM:
Rank misogyny
Statements associated with paedophilia such as "love has no age"
Fetish behaviour
Threats of violence to women.
I am not sure what you do if you find this though. Tell school? Report to police?

Original poster

Argh2022 · 20/03/2022 10:24

@AwkwardPaws27

But he'll see it as revenge for the house mate thing

Of course I wouldn't link the two issues; they're mostly separate for me. Going to CMS at the same time as the house mate thing is going on or shortly after will make him think it's revenge though.

OP posts:

TolkiensFallow · 20/03/2022 10:31

Does it really matter if he thinks it revenge? He seems totally inconsiderate regardless.

Aworldofmyown · 20/03/2022 10:32

A - it's not a friend; it's a live-in housemate who will be there whenever the children are there. That is different.
B - Of course it would be the same for the Mother, the same reasons as above.

AchillesPoirot · 20/03/2022 10:34

If you trust him enough to let him have unsupervised access then you have to let him make choices about who the children are around.

If you don’t trust him enough then you should stop his contact and let him take you to court.

No court is going to insist that you have right to get his friends or partners or housemates. They’re not going to do a DBS type check.

averythinline · 20/03/2022 10:35

It doesn't matter if he thinks its revenge...its factual that he hasn't paid....he sounds a complete dickhwad so you will probably end up in court anyway...
Do the stuff you can control...has the 12yr old got a phone? If not give them one so they can contact you anytime
Its tough but I don't think you can make an issue about the lodger without evidence...and if you get evidence then you can contact ss yourself....

PonyPatter44 · 20/03/2022 10:36

@TolkiensFallow

Does it really matter if he thinks it revenge? He seems totally inconsiderate regardless.

Exactly this. Frankly, who cares what he thinks?

HeartsAndClubs · 20/03/2022 10:39

I'm amazed at how many people would happily allow their children to spend a significant amount of time at a house where a total stranger lives whom their father met on the internet. he’s their parent as much as the OP is. You don’t get to allow or not allow the children’s other parent things, if that’s the case then it goes both ways and the father should be entitled to lay down the rules at the OP’s house as well.

If there are genuine safeguarding concerns, the surely SS would be involved or the OP would be willing to go to court, but as things currently are it seems that she doesn’t want to do that, so my guess is that “there are safeguarding concerns” is being used as a line to gain credibility here. If there really were safeguarding concerns OP would already have taken steps to limit access, but given she hasn’t my guess is that she is saying this to justify her anti trans, anti pet stance.

And with pets in mind, if my ex was so totally anti pets I would buy them a couple of kittens.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/03/2022 10:42

As for people objecting to the fact the ex met this bloke on the internet, given the prevalence of online dating, introducing kids to people you’ve met on the internet is in fact a fairly common phenomenon. After all, one presumes that you have met the individual in person before moving them into your house, which the ex has also likely done.

howtomoveforwards · 20/03/2022 11:05

Have to agree with everyone else, I’m afraid. Sod all you can do about the pets. Clean up is not inevitable, however.

The law works on the basis that a parent wouldn’t, usually, put their children knowingly into a risky situation, around people who may hurt them. As the other parent, the law expects you to trust this is the case, So whilst you may see this as a randomer from the internet, you can see how this could be turned around and used against you if you meet a new partner via online dating. The fact is, we never really know what people are capable of even when we know them well. You can’t demand a DBS from this person, anymore than your ex could demand it of someone in your life.

You need to be aware that the courts do very little to help in these situations. I am sure if you have a search, you will find plenty of threads where women who have been hospitalised by an ex partner, for example, are forced to send frightened children to contact. Unless you have some kind of concrete evidence that could be used to endanger your children, you don’t have a leg to stand on. I am not suggesting this is right or fair but you can see how a PWC could use a new partner, family member or lodger as an excuse to keep children away from their NRP unnecessarily.

You may have some recourse to use Sarah’s law and I would investigate this further.

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